Advice needed re partner's kids

[KimW]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. He has 6 children but only 2 live near enough to visit us. These 2 were visiting us often until April this year. Admittedly when they visit my partner isn't very imaginative shall we say.......
Anyway suddenly they don't wanna visit us here
They won't reveal any reason other than very trivial stuff and have now started lieing to not come. They are 11 and nearly 13, one of each.

I have been at my wits end and have no idea what to suggest. They won't talk to their Mum. If it were my kids i would be very worried! But no one only me seems bothered, only me!

What can i do?

[sarah707]

I think it's sometimes a phase teenagers go through.

Do they have their electronic toys and games at your house? Free use of a computer? etc. They might feel they are missing out.

Are they railing against different rules at your house? Are they bored or a long way from their friends?

Teens put a lot of emphasis on material things and their own comfort and are often quite selfish until they come out of the grunting stage.

I would make sure you leave the door open and they know they can visit.

Maybe let them know if you are going on any outings and tell them they are welcome to come along.

Hopefully it's a phase that will pass soon x

[BuggsieMoo]

I agree with what Sarah has said. My step-sons live with me and their dad after a lenghty court case with CAFCASS involvement. They do see mum on a frequent basis at present as they are only 6, 8 and 9 years old.

However, after speaking to some professionals as we were concerned about what happens when they start saying I dont want to go this weekend (for any reason such as not liking it, friends parties etc) then what do we do? After all, the eldest is nearly 10 and does got to clubs etc that do involve weekend involement and we were concerned re the contact and it classing.

The advice we got was NRP always take it as the child is pulling away from them or that the resident parent is doing something to make the child not want to go. However, in reality, children get to the age where their life (such as friends, clubs etc) become more important than spending time with NRP and indeed even resident parents and that it shouldnt be taken as a personal insult as there will also be times when time with the NRP and RP is more important. NRP's forget that the child's life is where they live usually with their friends etc being there, as children get older, this is who they want to be with - doing the things their friends do.

However, this said we would always let ours know that contact with the NRP is still really important and if it got to the stage where they didn't want to go at all then we would look into it and we would always encourage them to continue to go.

I would say given their ages this is all they are doing. You may also find that one says they don't want to go and the other copies - ours have tried that also over different things.

I would suggest the same as Sarah, ask them if they want to come, let them know they are welcome and always hold the door open for them. Don't take it as a personal insult, there is just probably more going on in their lives at home with friends.

HTH

Lisa x

[barbarella68]

Do you have children together?

[gigglinggoblin]

My kids are starting to get annoyed with their dad because he never does anything with them and when they go its all about their younger siblings. They also get upset that we still do stuff when they are not here, the eldest asked if I could not do anything fun with my younger kids while they were away, obviously I had to say I couldnt do that and tried to explain why it woudlnt be fair. If your partner wants to see his kids maybe he could take them out for the day instead of them coming to the house, make it a bit more interesting.

My husband rarely sees or speaks to his mum, I used to think that must be awful for both of them, especially her. But as time has gone on I have realise thats just how they are. How often does your partner see the other 4 kids? If he barely sees them then thats says a lot, maybe it really doesnt bother him and its just something you have to get your head round.

[KimW]

No we have no kids together and his other 4 live too far away to see often and are all adults except one who nearly is.

My partner has taken them out for the day and has just spent a week seeing all 6 together which he enjoyed but still no clues as to why they are against coming here. Obv they will have more friends and activities at home and our rules are different too.....we have some lol

I hope it is a phase but it's quite upsetting not knowing how they feel.

Thanks for the support

[Pixie dust]

I have 2 step daughters who are 12 and 14. They have started to say they don't want to come as they are going to a party/cinema with friends etc we let them decide but I feel my DH is quite happy if they don't come as he can't cope with them growing up boyfriends/make up etc but my two boys who are of a similar age go to their dad 2 week ends a month and he insists they go over and its too bad if they have other plans which is the other end of the scale.They come back moaning about having a boring weekend.

[PixiePetal]

I have never been in the position of having step kids but as I see it you can never be right with teens I know my DDs social life dictates her activities and moods

If they know they are always welcome, hopefully they will come when they are ready.

[KimW]

Thanks guys. They have said coz their Dad doesn't do much with them they get bored which i have thought for a while. However the more i do/suggest the more he does rely on me to provide ideas or entertainment, so i have backed off a little to get him more involved.
The worrying thing is the fact they are lieing to their grandparents, saying they get "pushed upstairs to watch dvds" which they don't. We all watch a suitable film downstairs together.
The prob seems coming here and i'm not sure if it's a dislike of me.

I can understand teenagers and suddenly wanting diff things, i have my own 13 year old (who doesn't always get on with them, so suggesting they all do something together may lead to resentment and another prob )

I shall see how things pan out. Thanks again