Advice for helping my sad ds

[Minstrel]

He's 9 and in year 4. Small school and small class (20, 9 boys 11 girls) and has never been overly popular, not entirely sure why. He's not a horrid child, the opposite if nothing, too sensitive, bit soft, cries easily. He's always had best friend though throughout the school. Last November he left and moved to the other side of the country and DS has struggled ever since.

He's also very bright and has been chosen by school to do lots of extra curricular things like representing the school in a maths competition and this weekend he is off to a borough maths masterclass with 2 other boys in his class. He would love to be their friends and he is 'friendly' with them both but often gets left out. They go to each others houses loads and parents are friends so naturally the boys are close. They are also sporty which DS is not.

How can I help him make friends? They are all moving up to middle school in September but I fear it will be worse there not better. Current school say he's fine but he's so sad. Plays by himself with a hula hoop most lunchtimes. Crying just writing that.

[CLL]

My boy is 4 and in reception. many children who are gifted have heightened emotions and get upset easily. I am considering taking him out of school at the end of the term and home educating him. He cries everyday and does not want to go, I thought it would get better but it has not. There are a lot of parents who meet up who home-ed and I think he would be more suited to this lifestyle. Have you ever considered this option? Many universities such as Cambridge take home-ed kids without any formal qualifications so I am not worried about him academically, he is very bright and will learn regardless.

[sarah707]

Bless him it's so hard when children feel they don't belong especially as they get older and become more aware of it.

It was always my dread to see my child in the playground on their own. Luckily ds loves his football so he was always fine but it's so hard if they are not in the 'in' crowd

Can school help? Do they let quieter children sit and read or maybe play games like chess in one of the classrooms at break times or similar?

Can you help by inviting a friend to come round after school and things like that? Pushing his friendships along a bit if you know what I mean.

Hugs xx

[Mouse]

(((Minstrel & son)))

It's heartbreaking, isn't it?

Have school made any suggestions on how he could make friends? Do they have a buddy scheme or anything like it? It's really tough when they've had a best friend who moves away. Most other children are already in friendship groups and it can be hard to slot in.

When they move up to middle school will there be different children there & different classes, or is it all the same children who move on together?

My daughter struggled the same at junior school. She is very bright, but quite immature emotionally. She wanted to be friends with the 'in crowd', but just didn't feel comfortable with them. They seemed so much more grown up than her. It was difficult when there were few children to chose from. She was in a class of 30, but 20 were boys & only 10 girls. She found that once she went to senior school she met a whole new bunch of kids and soon found ones who were very like her & who all got on well together.

[Minstrel]

They do have a system called playground pals which ironically DS if one of them. The younger children are supposed to approach him if they are lonely etc. No one for him to turn to.

Believe or not he does actually enjoy school, love the learning side of things and unfortunately I don't think I could do a very good job of home schooling. Although quiet and sensitive, I don't think he's shy, happily joins new groups, goes to cubs etc. the cubs are mostly same boys from school as its a small village.

Middle school will be about 15 of his class plus 45 others. I just think he'll still be left out due to already formed friendship groups but my hope is he'll find someone like himself.

[moggy]

Has he tried Cub Scouts? Can be fantastic for making a new set of friends, self-confidence building and opens a whole new world of experiences and opportunities. Maybe a different angle into friendship groups if school children are at Cubs too.

[AliceK]

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick here but the way I am seeing it is that he is happy enough. Could it be that he is happy to spend time by himself and it is you who is sad by this rather than him? Sorry if I've got that wrong

xxxxx

[Minstrel]

He s happy on class but not play times. Would love to have friends round for tea etc. Does go to cubs nd recently went camping plus on a school residential. He'd love a friend who chooses to bunk in with him rather thn being put with whoever is left over after they've all paired up.

[FussyElmo]

He s happy on class but not play times. Would love to have friends round for tea etc. Does go to cubs nd recently went camping plus on a school residential. He'd love a friend who chooses to bunk in with him rather thn being put with whoever is left over after they've all paired up.

this is going to sound daft but does he know how to talk to the other children. My eldest struggled when she went to high school she was often alone. She said no one talks to me and eventually I asked if she spoke to them. So I said to her say hello, have you had a good weekend and she asked me why it hadn't occurred to her to make small talk. Shes still not got loads of friends but has a few good ones.

[Minstrel]

That's probably part of it fussy, I've seen strangers talk to him and although not afraid to talk to them, he gets really tongue tied and stutters. Completely not like that with people he knows, very chatty.

I also don't think he's very good at playing when it's not one thing he enjoys. If someone did ask him to play, rather than be excited and say yes regardless, he wants to know what the game is first and if he sent like that game he'll say no thanks. I think others then give up asking him. I try to get him to see that if he played anyway, they'd be more inclined to listen to his ideas and approach him.

[FussyElmo]

That's probably part of it fussy, I've seen strangers talk to him and although not afraid to talk to them, he gets really tongue tied and stutters. Completely not like that with people he knows, very chatty.

I also don't think he's very good at playing when it's not one thing he enjoys. If someone did ask him to play, rather than be excited and say yes regardless, he wants to know what the game is first and if he sent like that game he'll say no thanks. I think others then give up asking him. I try to get him to see that if he played anyway, they'd be more inclined to listen to his ideas and approach him.

Big hugs its so hard dd is now 14 and still struggles. As I said not got loads of friends but a few and it does make school more bearable. Try and persuade your ds just to join in or ask to. A big step for him but would go far to help him make friends.

Couldn't you invite the 2 boys over who he is doing the maths masterclass with?

[Minstrel]

Thank you. I think I will. It's quite far so we've all arranged to share lifts etc. I'm collecting tomorrow so will ask if they want to stay at ours for a bit afterwards.

[The Juggler]

I feel for you honey. My ds is the same. Had a few friends at his old school but no-one he met out of school - but he did play with them at school. We then had to move him because of bullying and he made a new friend at his new school and met an old friend from primary. However, this didn't work out. New friend physically pulls him away from old friend everytime they are playing togehter, so they fell out. Teachers are saying he has to be friends with the new friend as he was kind to him when he joined school. But he continued to cause problems with the old friend who has now says he doesn't want to be friends anymore.

So now he has only this new friend who he doesn't really get on with any more. I know he won't make any new friends easily and don't know what to do.

sorry hijacked your thread a bit but I do understand how sad you and he feel

[Minstrel]

Ah well didn't go to plan, both boys have sports training to go on to so don't need a lift back either (about half hour away so woud have given them chance to chat. He is getting a lift with the though.

[Maza]

I also know how you feel. I find that playdates do help, it lets them 'practise' being with other people in an environment where they feel secure. Great advice from Fussy. Let's look at the positives - he joins new groups easily, so he has got self esteem and self confidence. He decides whether or not he wants to play a game - great - he knows his own mind and is assertive enough to say no! He did have one good friend - so he is able to make and maintain relationships! Often the most outgoing people are not actually the ones with the most self esteem or self confidence. Continue to build on his strengths and the right people will come along eventually. x

[Minstrel]

Thank you, that's a really lovely way to look at it and sounds spot on. I think although he'd like to be more popular and make friends easily, he really just wants one or two best friends and those sorts of friendships take time to build up. He came out of cubs laughing and joking with the two boys I mentioned above, and we gave them a lift home, he then went off to this maths thing with them this morning and had a good time.

I think I worry more than he does but that's because I moved up to middle school knowing absolutely no one and spent the first 6 months walking round the playground with a dinner lady. How embarrassing! I need to remember that it turned out to be my favourite school...

[Maza]

Hi Minstrel,
I was just wondering how it is going with your son? I think about this thread often because it reminds me of my DD, 5. She says she plays by herself too at playtime and it breaks my heart. We had an Easter Egg Hunt on the last day of school and I was very aware of lots of other mums arranging playdates for over the holidays and no one approached us. I broached the subject with a couple of mums but they haven't got back to me. Have you any tips that you have learnt along the way? x