People Puzzle Me!

[amylouise867]

Some people I have the absolute PLEASURE of knowing :/ lol are really frazzling my brain lately.

I am the kind of person who will always help, always be there, reliable, friendly, fun, optimistic, find it hard to say no and will always put myself out for others.

Yet, I've been reflecting on a lot so far this year and you know when you feel like enough is enough.

It's all extended family related to be honest.

People that don't bother for months & months then BAM their in touch because they WANT something and they WANT it NOW, it can't wait.
Expect you to drop everything etc.

Family that post aload of absolute rubbish on Facebook painting perfect pictures of how they want others to perceive the relationship they have with you and your children as being all close and loving when in actual fact they rarely come to see you and your young children don't even know who they are?!

And even more bizarre -

One member of my family who I've always been there for...... I've bent over backwards for her and her children. Makes out like my efforts are just nothing, never thanks me for anything I've ever done or things I do do and over the years I've put myself out countless times.
It's a total take take take relationship....

Well she has randomly messaged me tonight after not hearing from her for a week or two - not to ask how me and my family are but to say that her little one has been spoilt today as one if our other family members has brought her a 99p bag of chocolate buttons?!

As you can imagine there's been a Facebook status, and even a photograph of how wonderful it is that she's had these buttons. Although it's kind I just don't get how wonderful these buttons can be in comparison to the things I've done but never get thanked for?! If that makes sense.

I have this child who i love to death for free so she can socialize. I'm there to support and help pick up the pieces all the while, listening to her problems for hours on end and trying to help where I can, Keep planning days out and taking us all there. Visit regular, texting/calling all the time to see how they're all getting on.

Yet it's never mentioned, repeated or appriciated. It's just as if it means nothing all the time? Yet this 99p bag of buttons has been flippin'wonderful today?!
- what is that about?! Just can't make sense of it I really can't?!
I'm not saying I want to be thanked - it's just I find it so odd how she feels the need to mention these buttons to me yet would never mention the things I did to anyone or even see them as a big help enough to say thank you?!

I am at the stage in my life now where I am realising a lot of things and trying to make sense of a lot too.

A quote "People don't realize what we do until we stop doing them" springs to mind.

If anyone can help me make sense of how much I do means nothing yet a pack of 99p buttons from someone who they hardly see is so wonderful would really appreciate your feedback. My brain is (as I said) frazzled lol xx

[shortstuff]

Im so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. It sounds as though you are just being taken for granted and because this other person does nothing ever they will get noticed more.

Maybe you should be unavailable just once. Or when you get the next text reply as if they have only asked how you n los are. They might not realise how they are treating you. People can be like that when they are so absorbed in their own lives. The alternative is to sit them down and tell them how their behaviour is affecting you. Not easy but so worthwhile.

[Rick]

I agree, they are taking you for granted, thinking that it's the norm you do all these things so they don't have to say thankyou. It's difficult but you probably need to say something to them

[QualityCare]

Look at it the other way round this other family member who never does anything for the child suddenly buys a packet of buttons mum is so shocked/surprised she feels the need to tell everyone even to how little she spent, where as you, who have always been there for her (and other family members probably know this) get no thanks feel your taken for granted and yes you may be but mum probably doesn't feel the need to go overboard with the praise and thanks she probably did all that in the beginning and now feels she doesn't need to and thinks you know how grateful she is, as for not asking after your family it probably doesn't cross her mind to ask again some people are like that she probably thinks you will tell her if something was wrong with any of your family. I'm afraid you have to make a choice if it bugs you so much, either carry on as before you are a good person your reward will come later, tell her how you feel and risk a fall out, or cut down on the availability but who will suffer most you, child or family member, how will you feel if you decide from the last two. Try not to let it get to you as l said you are obviously a good kind person we are all different with different attitudes and expectations of how we should behave.

[dawn100]

What you do has become the norm so it isn't really noticed anymore, doesn't mean what you do isn't important but sadly doesn't seem to be appreciated however if you stopped doing it no doubt it would be missed. It sounds like a case of dont know what you've got until you don't have it anymore. You've become that cushion on the sofa that isn't really noticed until its missing!
I have a friend who sounds very similar, I'm always there for her the other day she had to go to a&e with a suspected broken wrist I went up and spent all night at their house until 4 in the morning sitting with her kids and I was starting work at 7, only got a brief thank you however someone who dropped her to hospital the next day to get it splinted the next got a bunch of flowers and she was telling me how wonderful they were and I was sat their thinking what about me and what I do for you - my husbands advice was maybe not be available the next time or just accept that whilst they may not be grateful you are a help to them and if you stopped doing it you would be very much missed, also he said if it inconveniences me too much and wasnt a true emergency say no! As I have a bad habit of putting my needs and my kids needs after other people.

[amylouise867]

She's never ever thanked me for anything.

The flowers I've brought to cheer her up after bad days.

The outings we've been on - there's never been "I've really enjoyed that thank you, look forward to the next one"

The hours I've had LO it always puzzles me how there's never a 'thank you' after having her?!

Never thanks me for the clothes, games, books I buy LO.

I agree that it's taken for granted and become expected. It's the manners that's really bugging me.

How I get messages like the 'button' one of how wonderful that is yet she never asks how I am, how my children are or about what going on in my life.

I've had 2 big upsets in my life where I needed support and she was nowhere to be seen. Infact for one she seemed the completely the opposite and even when I told her how much I was upset and struggling she seemed to go out her way to rub salt in my wound.

I'm at the stage now where I am fed up of saying yes to certain people and keep saying no to myself.

I am distancing myself and have already said no to having her little one last time she asked. The ask went like this.

"Can u have her I want to go out for a meal"
"Yes of course no problem what time u brining her?"
"5pm gona go see a film after our meal too but she don't go to bed till after 10 anyway so we ent gona rush back to get her"

I had to look at that and think no the initial ask was to go for a meal (1-2 hours? As it was local) now it's at least a 5 hour ask.

I had to say sorry I can have her while you go for a meal but I have my own little one to settle and get to bed for her bed time at 8.

There's been lots and lots of examples like above.
I'm just at the point now where I can't keep being 'used' and 'taken for granted' in this one sided relationship.

xxx

[amylouise867]

What you do has become the norm so it isn't really noticed anymore, doesn't mean what you do isn't important but sadly doesn't seem to be appreciated however if you stopped doing it no doubt it would be missed. It sounds like a case of dont know what you've got until you don't have it anymore. You've become that cushion on the sofa that isn't really noticed until its missing! I have a friend who sounds very similar, I'm always there for her the other day she had to go to a&e with a suspected broken wrist I went up and spent all night at their house until 4 in the morning sitting with her kids and I was starting work at 7, only got a brief thank you however someone who dropped her to hospital the next day to get it splinted the next got a bunch of flowers and she was telling me how wonderful they were and I was sat their thinking what about me and what I do for you - my husbands advice was maybe not be available the next time or just accept that whilst they may not be grateful you are a help to them and if you stopped doing it you would be very much missed, also he said if it inconveniences me too much and wasnt a true emergency say no! As I have a bad habit of putting my needs and my kids needs after other people.

That just doesn't make sense though does it.

It's both big helps so you buy flowers for both people or none at all.

Your 'favor' outweighed the short drive to the hospital but she didn't see it that way obviously?!

It is just so odd how people can behave and react & be so thoughtless to other peoples feelings.

xx

[Kiddleywinks]

There are some people that are always giving, some that are always taking, and there comes a time in your life when you reevaluate the people in your life to surround yourself with those that do a bit of both.
For me it was when my brother was killed in an RTA
People I had always been there for during their problems/issues/drama's, at great inconvenience to myself at times, were surprisingly (or not lol) nowhere to be seen, and people that I least expected to be supportive were an absolute godsend and I have no idea how I'd have got through without them.

Some months later, I made some changes, even so far as to remove myself from certain people, and can honestly say my life is far richer emotionally now, with people that give and take in equal amounts.
It was surprisingly easy to do lol

You can't control other people's actions, but you can control your own, and your reactions to them :thumbs up:

[amylouise867]

There are some people that are always giving, some that are always taking, and there comes a time in your life when you reevaluate the people in your life to surround yourself with those that do a bit of both. For me it was when my brother was killed in an RTA People I had always been there for during their problems/issues/drama's, at great inconvenience to myself at times, were surprisingly (or not lol) nowhere to be seen, and people that I least expected to be supportive were an absolute godsend and I have no idea how I'd have got through without them. Some months later, I made some changes, even so far as to remove myself from certain people, and can honestly say my life is far richer emotionally now, with people that give and take in equal amounts. It was surprisingly easy to do lol You can't control other people's actions, but you can control your own, and your reactions to them :thumbs up:

That is so wise! And so true!

I am very sorry to hear of your loss!! I can't begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you!! Sending a big hug x

It was a loss with me too where I needed her and she wasn't anywhere to be seen.

Like you it's been a big wake up call and you do feel like you have to let go of relationships that you get nothing from especially when it's so so obvious that you are in a time of need.

Have you ever seen the video Reason, Season, Lifetime on YouTube? It's a beautiful video and that helped me a lot, made me more accepting to let go of these take take takers, smiled to myself how I was able to see where everyone I had ever met in my life fitted too. Very clever how it's done. Highly recommend watching it!

[Ripeberry]

Maybe it's because they think that you doing things for them is all the thanks you need? If you were always saying no and not helping then they would appreciate you more? That's what I figured out long ago. Do you do things for yourself or others? If it's always for others then they will never thank you. Harsh but true