I think my ds is being bullied :(

[Mrsh3103]

My ds is 5 and in year 1. Recently his behaviour has changed dramatically, he has started pooing and weeing himself. He has also started saying things to me & dh like 'if you don't do xxxx I won't be your friend anymore'. I've told him that's not a nice thing to say and he replys with 'H says it all the time to me'.
This morning he had a screaming fit about going in to school (very unlike him) it took 2 teachers to prise him off me. He was screaming 'don't leave me here'.

Me & his dad aren't together anymore and neither are the parents of the child I think might be doing the bullying. Ds come home & says things like 'H said my daddy doesn't love me as much as his daddy loves him because I don't go for 2 sleeps'.
I've explained that H goes every other weekend for 2 nights but ds goes every sat for 1 night and gets picked up from school at least twice a week. And his daddy loves him more than anything in the world.

If you ask ds who his best friend is he will say that this child is. I don't think they would be friends at all if it wasn't for the fact me & his mum are friends so we do things together at the weekends and in the evenings. They have kind of been forced together. The other issue is that I mind this child 1 evening a week!
I can't do anything as nothing happens while he is here. It all seems to be at school so I have no actual proof apart from what ds is saying.
There's loads of other things that have happened but I've rambled on enough now.

I'm going to speak to his teacher on monday but I just don't know what else to do

[shortstuff]

Ithink speaking to the teacher and outlining all youve told us is all you can do.

They can monitor things when they los are there and see what goes on.

Is H not handling his parents being together as well as ds? Maybe you could just have a non judgemental conversation with both together pointing out how their access is the same amount of time just spread differently?

[starlight1]

My son was bullied in year 1..the school were brilliant...

I think yes go talk to the teacher...Ask son if he is been bullied he should already know what bullying is...

My son one of his bullies was an unhealthy friendship he had with a boy who always put my son down. I actually made a point of inviting loads of different kids to Tea who my DS liked...It just helped him build friendships...He is now in year 2 these boys still play together sometimes but plays with lots of other children too...

I took the approach I needed to make my son stronger so he could cope with what was been thrown at him.

some of it may also be about changing teacher if he was attached and the level of work going up.


Also maybe you need to have a conversation about her feelings with his Dad....and the seperation

[Mrsh3103]

I don't think its to do with his parents splitting. Everything he has or does has to be better than my ds. If he can do something that ds can't he will go on & on about it.
Ds told me H plays a game at school where he puts thumbs up, down, and to the side. He says H puts thumbs up to everyone else but thumbs down means ds has to go away and thumbs to the side means everyone has to run away from ds. I've told ds to play with someone else but he tells me that H won't let him.

[blue bear]

Sounds like H has found something he can control(your son) when he can't control the situation st home, do tge school run a nature group sounds like it would be helpful to both children.

Lots of activities on feelings, try get both children talking about how it feels not to have choices, how they feel when people tell them what to do, see if a light switch goes on for H.

Talking to the school is a wise decision I hope things get sorted quickly.

[The Juggler]

I don't think its to do with his parents splitting. Everything he has or does has to be better than my ds. If he can do something that ds can't he will go on & on about it.
Ds told me H plays a game at school where he puts thumbs up, down, and to the side. He says H puts thumbs up to everyone else but thumbs down means ds has to go away and thumbs to the side means everyone has to run away from ds. I've told ds to play with someone else but he tells me that H won't let him.

oh your poor ds tbh honest I think it could be that this lad behaves this way because his parents have split. I've had a couple of young boys where one parent has left and doesn't see them much anymore and both have taken to the "everything I do/have/say is better than yours" - it seems to be a compensation for them. Howevever, that's not to say that it's right for him to affect your ds this way.

Talking to the teacher is the way forward. If the other child is 5 it is very unlikely he will be 100% aware of the impact of his behaviour, he will just enjoy the control and being in charge (where he isn't in other parts of his life). Kids this age often use the 'if you don't do as I say I won't be your friend' and the teacher(s) can use circle times to support the children to realise how this affects others and what they can say instead.

Big hugs to you xx

[kellyskidz!]

First of all, sending huge hugs, this must be awful for you to imagine your poor son being picked on. My daughter is also in y1 and its a trying time for them, they're developing friendship groups and working out the laws of the playground quickly
Secondly, you may not see it but you are in a great position to resolve things here, as you are his childminder (by resolve I don't mean giving him a sly dig in the ribs when he's in your care lol)
As has been said talk about feelings, how would you feel if someone gave you a giant ice cream, how would you feel if everyone ran away from you at playtime and so on, might work more than telling him off!
Praise your son a lot around him, and give him 'grown up jobs' to do, so the bully knows he's from a loving home and that he's not bullying a weak child who is 'easy' to pick on
If all else fails, talk to his mum at pick up time. I know its not in your care but it is happening, and if my daughter was bullying anyone I'd want to know about it
Hope its all sorted soon for you and your son xxx

[shortstuff]

The one thing I would add to kellyzkids is when you talk to either school or the parent be careful not to use the word bully. It will be much better if you just outline what is happening without labelling the behaviour.

We are all careful not to do so with our mindees and in our settings but we are all very passionate when it comes to our own children and its an easy thing to do.

I hope it goes well and ds sees a positive change and the value of speaking up x

[Mrsh3103]

So ds opened up to me last night & told me everything that has been happening at school.
I have the child that has been saying and doing horrible things after school tonight. From what ds has said and what his teacher said when I spoke to her we think it's a control thing.
Obviously my ds comes 1st & he needs to feel happy with the children who are coming into his home. I've decided I'm going to give it a few weeks and see if things change. If not I'll be giving notice.

I'm going to work hard with H when he's here and I have set up a communication book between myself and the school so we can talk about what's being done here and what they're doing.
Ds is going to his dads for tea tonight so I have planned activities with H and the other after schoolies about feelings. We will be talking about what makes us happy, sad, angry, scared and worried.
The school are doing a big project on friendship & what it means and how to treat people.

I'm just wondering whether I'm doing the right thing. Part of me wants to just give immediate notice. But the other part of me is saying they were once good friends and maybe this 'phase' can be corrected and things will go back to how they were.

Also I don't want to give H more ammunition "you told your mummy" etc etc.
So confused

[Samijanec]

I've just done a fantastic course about bullying, it was supplied by SCMA, I'm not sure whether it would be available through your local authority but certainly worth looking at it. It is called "let's be friends, preventing bullying behaviour"

[Mrsh3103]

I'll have a look and see if it's something I'll be able to do. Thanks