Facebook and 12yr old Nephew, What to do?

**mandy moo** · 08-12-2012, 01:44 PM

Ok so Im on Facebook, My Sister isnt, she is really against it, doesnt see the need for it when you can email or call someone and other reasons known to her.
My 16yr old neice is on FB has been since she was 13.. She wasnt allowed an account until she was 13.

Now heres my problem, I went on to FB the other day, and my Nephews face popped up (He was 12 in October) as someone I might know! so I PM'd Hello him to see his reaction that I knew he had opened an account, He asked me not to tell his Mum, rightly or wrongly I said ok, but you really ought to tell your mum..

But now Ive had a day or so to think about it, I feel I should tell her, because I know that when she finds out that I know hes on FB, shell want to know why I didnt tell her.. She will be angry..
But on the other hand I have a really good relationship with both neice & nephew, and want them to feel if they ever need someone to talk to and dont feel they can with their mum & dad, they can come talk to me!!

For what its worth both my boys (11 & 14) are on FB, Im friends with both of them and check their accounts regularly. I have also accepted friend requests from their friends.

Am I in the wrong.. should I tell her.. Your thoughts please..

**PixiePetal** · 08-12-2012, 01:56 PM

As you have a good relationship, I would give him the chance to tell himself, but say you will in a few days if he hasn't. Let him have the chance to say you found out and encouraged him to tell as that would be the sensible 'grown up' thing to do. Tell him it has put you in a difficult position and it needs to be cleared.

I have good relationships with my 2 nephews and as teens acted as a go between more than once

My own children both wanted accounts and I made them wait, which they did. I am friends with both on the understanding I don't comment! or at least not on stuff with friends, they can do private messages if they like without me seeing and I private message them if I think something is a bit out of order or may upset someone. They are now 18 and 16 so adults or nearly and we have done OK

**VeggieSausage** · 08-12-2012, 03:14 PM

This is difficult isn't it. My niece was on fb in her early teens and I noticed that her friends list was lots of older boys/men that were topless etc and I told my sister in law about it.....niece said that she was interested in music thats why she had friended them (these were not groups/bands or promotion pages they were individual personal pages of these random people), but my point was but why are they interested in a 13 year old....glad I told my sister in law but my niece was furious with me and deleted me immediately but I felt I needed to keep her safe.....I would say to you nephew that you need to tell your mum again and give him the opportunity to, tell him that you will stick up for him with his mum and that you will keep an eye on what he is doing maybe if he is friends with you? ....to put her mind at rest...

**Ripeberry** · 08-12-2012, 06:55 PM

Why can't people just stick to the rules of NO under 13yr olds on Facebook in the first place then people don't get put in difficult situations. The artwork site that I use has a robust age limit and when people find out someone is under age on there they get the account closed pronto!

**rickysmiths** · 09-12-2012, 01:04 AM

The min age to have an account on FB is 13 end of no child younger than that should have an account and if they are allowed to they are been sent a message that it is OK to fly in the face of rules.

Personally I think 13 is too young, I think it should be at least 16.

I would be telling him to delete his account or I would report him to FB. Simple.

**nipper** · 09-12-2012, 11:29 AM

I have closed my facebook account, personally can't stand the thing.

**Bob** · 09-12-2012, 12:46 PM

Originally Posted by nipper

I have closed my facebook account, personally can't stand the thing.

Ditto. I also found out they don't actually delete it properly for 14 days. Apparently that give you a chance to change your mind!

**bunyip** · 09-12-2012, 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by mandy moo

Ok so Im on Facebook, My Sister isnt, she is really against it, doesnt see the need for it when you can email or call someone and other reasons known to her.
My 16yr old neice is on FB has been since she was 13.. She wasnt allowed an account until she was 13.

Now heres my problem, I went on to FB the other day, and my Nephews face popped up (He was 12 in October) as someone I might know! so I PM'd Hello him to see his reaction that I knew he had opened an account, He asked me not to tell his Mum, rightly or wrongly I said ok, but you really ought to tell your mum..

But now Ive had a day or so to think about it, I feel I should tell her, because I know that when she finds out that I know hes on FB, shell want to know why I didnt tell her.. She will be angry..
But on the other hand I have a really good relationship with both neice & nephew, and want them to feel if they ever need someone to talk to and dont feel they can with their mum & dad, they can come talk to me!!

For what its worth both my boys (11 & 14) are on FB, Im friends with both of them and check their accounts regularly. I have also accepted friend requests from their friends.

Am I in the wrong.. should I tell her.. Your thoughts please..

It is a tricky situation, and I do feel for you.

I'm not going to judge whether you're right or wrong, I'm just going to say how I'd approach it.

I personally don't see anything that appeals to me about Facebook, but I'm not sure that's really the issue. If a child has been told not to join a website until a ceetain age, then they shouldn't be doing it in my view.

I think the bigger issue is that I would not want a child, not even a relation, believing they could always tell me something in absolute confidence without it going any further or there being any consequences. Don't get me wrong, it is lovely and flattering and a credit to you that your nephew trusts you, but I think there are potential dangers to it.

I would not want any child believing that they could tell me all sorts of 'secrets' and them stop with me. They do have to understand that some things carry consequences, whether they confess them to me or I just happen to be the one that finds them out. If I give that impression, then I'd be thinking, "what happens if I were to find the child doing something really bad? or if they told me something that really needed to be reported (like a child protection/safeguarding matter?)"

In the FB case, I think I'd speak to the boy and give him the chance to own up to his parents, and a deadline by which to do it. And make it absolutely clear that, if he didn't do it, then I would. I'd explain that whilst I appreciate and respect his trust, some things are important enough to go beyond a matter of keeping confidences, and that it's an important lesson to learn in growing up. I'd also be ready for a bit of a backlash, as I think that might be a distinct possibility as a 12yo may well see these things in black and white. But loving a child isn't the same thing as treating them 'friends'. We often have to do the right thing and be prepared to take the consequences, unpleasant as they are, whlst still being there for when they can understand that.

Hope this helps, and hope it all works out well.