Feel a bit blue

[buzzy bee]

One of my mums told me today mindee (26 months) doesn't want to come to my house. Apparently for the last 2 months he's cried every time she's mentioned me.

I knew he got upset whenever mum / dad / nan drops him off, but he also sometimes doesn't want to go home either. He has fun when he's with me although obviously there are 2-year-old moments when he wants a toy / doesn't want to do something etc.

[The Juggler]

i think in these circumstances it is often more the parents want to hear/need to hear this than the children.

the child does not want to leave yours as he's having fun, that doesn't mean that he doesn't want to go home ever again. Mum is probably feeding it a bit, oh are you going to be upset when we go to 'x's' house, then he cries, there she has her evidence.


I had a mum who was so anxious and everytime she left her child she would almost cry and say 'don't worry, you'll be ok' in a very shaky/tearful voice, not sounding convincing at all (clearly indicating to child that there was somethign to worry over) hence child took ages to settle in.

I would call a meeting with mum to discuss without the child there. How long has he been with you hon? is he newish? Is he still settling. Has anything happened that might have spooked him (another child/pet etc). If not then it may just be boundary differences i.e. he gets his own way/doesn't have to share at home a lot more maybe?

I would discuss with mum how happy he is with you, show photos, perhaps video him and show these to her to convince her. You could tell her (from my experience) that babies who have been fine for 2 years with a minder can have blips of up to a year at around 2-3 years where they get tearful about being separated from a parent and it is often more about not wanting parent/carer to go rather than being unhappy at being left with yo the childminder

However, at the end of the day if she truly believes he doesn't want to come you are not going to convince her either way.

sending a hug. I'd be feeling the same as you if a parent told me that but you shouldnt'

[candy cat]

I have a mindee who I have had for 18 mths ......she has cried at every drop off. don't feel bad some children find the seperation so tramatic. chin up x

[buzzy bee]

Thanks for your reply.

He's been with me over a year so it's a bit of a shock really. Obviously I had noticed him getting upset when he's left here, but to be told he cried at the mention of my name is a shock!

Apparently he's fine going to nan's but then I suppose going to nan's is almost like being with mum!

I'm hoping you're right about it being the whole having to share me / toys etc... and not getting his way as much.

I've been a bit slack with my obs since xmas, so I'll get back on it and do some photos and videos like you've suggested.

I had this before with a 3 year old who used to hate coming to me, so I'm wondering if maybe it's just me!!

[sarah707]

No it's not you! It happens to us all from time to time.

It's usually not that the child doesn't want to come to you but rather they would prefer to be at home... which is fair enough really when you think about it like that.

it's just that their immature brains cannot verbalise it in that way so they get upset and it starts a vicious cycle of being upset... so parents ask them if they are upset... so they cry and so it carries on.

Chin up! xx

[The Juggler]

Thanks for your reply.

He's been with me over a year so it's a bit of a shock really. Obviously I had noticed him getting upset when he's left here, but to be told he cried at the mention of my name is a shock! i'd take that with a pinch of salt hon. unless something awful has happened to him I doubt the mere mention of your name would set him off. i know it could happen but I doubt it

Apparently he's fine going to nan's but then I suppose going to nan's is almost like being with mum!

I'm hoping you're right about it being the whole having to share me / toys etc... and not getting his way as much.

I've been a bit slack with my obs since xmas, so I'll get back on it and do some photos and videos like you've suggested. def, do some obs and videos more to make mum happy but also see if there are triggers for what does upset him when he's with you. this might provide some questions for the conversation with mum i.e.. what do you do when such and such behaviour occurs - if she does nothing or something different, bingo, he's going to feel very upset that he gets told off at your - then that gives you something to work with mum on. also ask mum for something of hers to keep with you, a scarf, jumper etc or set of keys so he knows she is coming back - he might just be proper anxious she's not returning every day. I say that because a 7 year old girl next door is like this about her mum and dad at the moment - they had several family deaths and she was worried they wouldn't be ok when she wasn't with them - just something worth thinking about . if it is that, what about asking her to send a text or e-mail during the day to remind him she is coming to get him after naptime or whenever

I had this before with a 3 year old who used to hate coming to me, so I'm wondering if maybe it's just me!!

NO! it's not you

[dette]

My own son(3) cries every day that he doesnt want to go to nursery school(but to be fair they did give him a massive black eye a couple of weeks ago ),but then he sometimes cries when i pick him up because he wants nanna to get him and not me..they do just cry sometimes He'll get over it x

[buzzy bee]

Thanks for the support / ideas. You have (as always) made me feel much more positive.

I just need to prove to mum now how happy he is here before she gives me notice!!

[stardust]

I have a 2 year old who cries when mum leaves and is then fine all day and cries as soon as mum comes. I'm working with mum on it but its just on of those things tbh.
Plus mum may be dramatizing it a bit as well. Saying he cries at the mention of your name! Chances are he cries when mum mentions going to your house because he associates it with mummy going and not coming back ect.

try a time line with him and then you can discuss the day and 'we have to blah blah blah and then mummy will be back ect. Take the pictures off once you have done them so that he can see it getting shorter. x
I might help mum to see what you are doing to make sure hes feeling happier x
Oh and the baby owl book works wonders as well all about mummy not being there then she comes back x

[buzzy bee]

Mum has just called to say LO is off sick today... do you think I should email her to put down some of the things you've said? I just feel a bit nervous leaving her to dwell on it for the weekend...

[Pipsqueak]

Oh BuzzyBee you have my sympathy - sending you a hug.
On top of other things going on this week I have been dealt a couple of low blows by clients - one stated she will be sending her child to nursery as she thinks 'he will come on faster' (not sure what she expects) another stating that nursery will be more beneficial to her child for socialisation (double) and then another who states that her child (who is 16months) doesn't like eating here because her cooking is better than mine - this one really confused me because he eats like a starved piglet (he is a great eater) and i have NEVER given her any indication otherwise to faciliate this very bizarre and random comment!

Like Jugs says it is often what the parent needs and wants to hear!

[Mollymop]

It is only natural for a child to get upset and not want Mum/Dad to leave, i have had it lots of times with most of my under 5's but like you say, most of them don't wanna go home. It might be just a phase and will soon end.