4 year old girl has started hitting me and Im not sure how to handle it

**juslh** · 20-09-2011, 06:25 PM

She is just 4, and I have had her for 2 days a week for about 9 months now, and to be honest find her hard work generally, although I am genuinely fond of her too. I know she is incredibly hard work at home, I have seen some fairly shocking behaviour with mum, but over the months I have had her her behaviour here has got so much better. Until now! Today she had a tantrum when I asked her to sit with us for her snack at soft play, and ended up hitting me in a temper screaming 'Its not fair' when I insisted. We went home as a result and she screamed all the way home. Last week I asked her to move away from the edge of the road, so she pushed her scooter into the road smling at me, and when I removed her scooter she had a tantrum then, and hit me then too. Basically she has always challenged instructions, previously with either a scowl or a smiling repitition of the behaviour, but now she is going ballistic and hitting. How should I handle this? She seems such an angry little girl.

**rosebud** · 20-09-2011, 07:10 PM

I use "time out" for any aggressive behaviour towards other children, toys or me (only once so far). This is the only time I use "time out" as prefer to focus on being positive and using distraction techniques but I don't think that its fair to everybody else to simply ignore this kind of behaviour. I would very calmly tell her that it is not acceptable to hurt somebody else and she needs to think about about her behaviour on the "thinking" chair / step / mat. I would talk to her mum and tell her that this is how you intend dealing with it as it is not fair on the other children to simply ignore it. She needs boundaries and for them to be consistently applied.

**juslh** · 20-09-2011, 07:17 PM

I use time out too, and she continues to scream and will kick the door for most of it, then calms down enough to allow out (!) only for her to continue huffing and muttering and scowling the worst imaginable of scowls!! Out of interest, how do you do time out if you are out of the house?

**Dragonfly** · 20-09-2011, 07:18 PM

I would or should i say do use (had some difficult children over the years) sitting away up the table for a few minutes and not being able to play.
I dont have a naughty step, i just tell them if they cant behave they cant play, so go and sit up the table on their own.Its not punishment of the year and it does work.(have permission from parents for this when i take the children on)

**Dragonfly** · 20-09-2011, 07:20 PM

p.s the scooter wouldnt go out with us again until the behaviour got better.

**NicoleW** · 20-09-2011, 07:20 PM

Just going to put this out there

Do you think maybe she's copying what she's seeing or experiencing at home?

**juslh** · 20-09-2011, 07:23 PM

yes, issues at home for sure. But how to cope as her CM and how to help..?

**NicoleW** · 20-09-2011, 07:25 PM

I have no idea, sorry not much help. Hope she settles soon.

Just try and explain to her that it makes you feel very sad when she acts this way and upset. Not sure what else to do

**juslh** · 20-09-2011, 07:35 PM

Thanks Nicole; hope you didnt feel I was dismissing your comment, I wasnt, I was just thinking out loud!

**blue bear** · 20-09-2011, 07:46 PM

Would a reward chart help? So instead of punishment for bad behaviour give her a treat for good.

Big things like hitting are immediate removal and sit and think for a minute(s) to calm down and say sorry. Little things I try and ignore and praise other childrens good behaviour so she will copy the desired behaviour.

**Helen79** · 20-09-2011, 07:52 PM

try a happy/sad/angry face chart where she can point to the emotion she's feeling after she's had a tantrum and then you can talk about it together and why she's feeling that way. When we're out time out is holding onto the pushchair for a few mins until I know that they've calmed down enough to listen to me properly so I know that they're safe.
The best thing I did with my own dd was to actually ask her what I could do to help her when she was feeling like that. One idea was to squeeze my hand really hard when she was angry so she knew I was still there.
If she's having a hard time at home, like someone else said on another thread she'll be looking to you to give her the boundaries and reassurance.
Tantrums at this age are often due to tiredness, is she getting enough sleep at home and if not is there time for her to have a power nap or rest at your house.

**The Juggler** · 20-09-2011, 08:45 PM

firstly I would tell her hitting anyone is totally unacceptable (sure you have already though). Likewise kicking and banging your doors when in time out. Sounds like she is struggling with the boundaries a bit.

Then I would call a meeting with parent(s) and tell them that it is unacceptable that she does this to any child, or you, in the setting. Tell them you need to tell her that together.

The fact that she's gone from just smirking to hitting means she realises that you mean business and she's upping the protest to the boundaries she's not had before. I would tell parents they need to back you up becuase if it continues you may have to reconsider your ability to care for her.

Explain to them what your boundaries are and how you deal with children when they cross them (sounds like they have very different ideas). I agree that scooter is banned from school runs until behaviour improves and she is able to listen better as road safety is key.

Good luck honx

**stardust** · 20-09-2011, 09:42 PM

Originally Posted by juslh

She is just 4, and I have had her for 2 days a week for about 9 months now, and to be honest find her hard work generally, although I am genuinely fond of her too. I know she is incredibly hard work at home, I have seen some fairly shocking behaviour with mum, but over the months I have had her her behaviour here has got so much better. Until now! Today she had a tantrum when I asked her to sit with us for her snack at soft play, and ended up hitting me in a temper screaming 'Its not fair' when I insisted. We went home as a result and she screamed all the way home. Last week I asked her to move away from the edge of the road, so she pushed her scooter into the road smling at me, and when I removed her scooter she had a tantrum then, and hit me then too. Basically she has always challenged instructions, previously with either a scowl or a smiling repitition of the behaviour, but now she is going ballistic and hitting. How should I handle this? She seems such an angry little girl.

Hun you need to show her who's boss at 4 she knows what shes doing and she's pushing the boundaries.

next time she does it get down to her level and say something along the lines of 'NO , I do NOT like being hit, It makes me feel very SAD. We keep our hands to ourselves. If you continue to hit me you will need to have a time out do you understand' (enthasize the words written in capitals and the last sentence is a statement not a question)

The next time she does it ' NO thankyou, I do NOT like being hit, It makes me feel very SAD. We keep our hands to ourselves. What did WE decide what would happen if you hit me again?' Wait for an answer ' We decided that you would need to have a time out to think about what you have done' give her a time out walk away, don't speak to her for NO LONGER than 4 mins. then go back 'why have i sat you here?' wait for an answer 'What do you need to say?' you need to get an apology then explain that the next time she hits you you will give her another timeout. Make sure you do if she does hit you again. Make sure you use your voice, facial expressions and use feelings x

**mrs c** · 20-09-2011, 09:45 PM

I had something like this with one lo and this started when he was around 4/5. He was a nightmare at home and frequently lashed out at mum who couldnt cope with his tantrums. Dad used to have to carry him off to his room. I do think that part of their problem was that they would threaten a form of punishment for bad behaviour but not carry it out. The mum was really soft with him and he came to realise that he could basically get away with bad behaviour.
He only had 3 tantrums with me and would lash out. He was immediately put out of the room and told that badly behaved children were not allowed to be in my playroom. We would then play one of his favourite games and make him aware of what he was missing out on. I would then find he would go for several months before the next tantrum with me.
His last tantrum was coming out of school. When we eventually got home I gave all the others a treat but not him and explained their good behaviour had earned them that treat. The following week his behaviour was good so I gave him a treat along with the others as a way of praising this good behaviour. He is now 7 and is really lovely.

**Dragonfly** · 21-09-2011, 06:46 AM

Well done MrsC quite agree with your method

**angeldelight** · 21-09-2011, 08:26 AM

Originally Posted by mrs c

I had something like this with one lo and this started when he was around 4/5. He was a nightmare at home and frequently lashed out at mum who couldnt cope with his tantrums. Dad used to have to carry him off to his room. I do think that part of their problem was that they would threaten a form of punishment for bad behaviour but not carry it out. The mum was really soft with him and he came to realise that he could basically get away with bad behaviour.
He only had 3 tantrums with me and would lash out. He was immediately put out of the room and told that badly behaved children were not allowed to be in my playroom. We would then play one of his favourite games and make him aware of what he was missing out on. I would then find he would go for several months before the next tantrum with me.
His last tantrum was coming out of school. When we eventually got home I gave all the others a treat but not him and explained their good behaviour had earned them that treat. The following week his behaviour was good so I gave him a treat along with the others as a way of praising this good behaviour. He is now 7 and is really lovely.

I agree with that - my daughter was the same with my grandson, basically never carried out any punishment after threats to do so
Kids know how to play you and will do so - he knew she would not do anything so his behaviour got worse

He is 6 now and really good but it took a while and it took a while to make my daughter see she was making a rod for her own back

Angel xx