Am I damaging my own child???

[Carls]

I am so confused. My DD , who is 3, has had real trouble settling into preschool even though she has been there a year she still cries when I leave her. This has also started a little even when I leave her with her dad!
I am extremely close to her and it has been really upsetting me. She is also an extremely confident child when I am around her, always taking the lead no matter how many and how old the other children are! But when she is in preschool she doent have any confidence at all.
I had a chat with her preschool lady tonight and she said to be brutally honest she thinks it is totally related to the job I do. She childminded for 7 years when her children were young and she thinks it has damaged them beyond mending as they were always pushed out an not given enough attention because we have to be seen to look after the children we are paid to care for to such a high standard!
She also said that it is unfair for my dd to be sent off to preschool while I have fun with other children!
I havent been able to explain the full extent of what she said cause it would take me forever.
My intitial reaction was that this was a load of rubbish, I feel my dd does huge amounts of things that no other child does at home because of my job! She is always doing activities and never ever gets plonked in front of the TV ect! I sit with all the children and draw and read stories. I thought it was just because we are so close and because I look after her so well.
Now I am doubting all this and feel like crying and giving up the job to look after my children properly!
My daughter , 11 is the same, very unconfident and doesnt like leaving me!
Help is my job damaging my children? Do any of you feel this way?

[wendywu]

No it is not the job itself but i would have thought the fact that you send her away to school and keep the mindees at home may have something to do with it.

It never did my two now 18 and 22 any harm though.

This teacher could say the same thing to a full time working mum, that being with a minder for 50 hour a week was causing them damage.

You cannot win really

[green puppy]

Sorry to hear your DD is unsettled but I think that the pre school are wrong to judge matters in relation to the job that you do. There is no reason why your DD shouldn't go to pre school just because you are working at home. If she has always had a very close relationship with you then she may have found the transistion hard anyway. I think I would be concerned that she lacks confidence at pre school after a year if she is usually confident. How is her key person helping her to settle and become confident? Have they been working with you to solve this? Please don't let them make you feel like you are doing something wrong. My daughter was 7 when I began to cm so abit different, I'm sure someone with lo's will be along soon to offer advice.

[The Juggler]

I think that was a rotten thing for the preschool teacher to say. as others have said i probably have activities out for my two that would never have been as varied had I not been minding.

yes, now that they are older they have to wait for my attention until little ones were gone but when they were little ones they were treated as the mindees and each was treated depending on priority of needs not on who they were.

I didn't send mine to preschool but they went to nursery at 3 and at 4 they did a day of wraparound care.

[claire'scherubs]

I think the pre school were BANG out of order for being so judgemental.

I am sorry your DD is so upset and my opinion is could it actually be the pre school itself unsettling her? Just a thought????

My DD has being going to pre-school since she was 2 years old and loves it. I started minding not long after she started and she has never ever complained about going or indicates that she is missing out at home, and believe me she is truly a mummy's girl.

Sending hugs, and please don't let that one little comment upset you, reflect on what is going on, and try and figure it out

[The Juggler]

why not just take her out of preschool for a while and see how she gets on hon?

[Mookins]

agreed...what an awful thing to say bet she wouldnt of said it to a mother working in an office!!

I have to do lots of re-assurance with my dd, she gets all quiet sometimes when im minding, lots of extra cuddles and whispers in her ears how much i love her, secret winks etc


perhapps you could tell her something like how much you will miss her whilst shes at pre-school, or how boring it will be and you bet she will have loads more fun then you will, something to boost her a bit i like to make it a big thing of how important my dd is helping me with minding and give her £2 every friday as her "wage" for a big girl helping me with the children
xxx

[birch24]

I think she is rude to have judged you like that. Perhaps she is jealous that you are able to work from home and actually be with your dd. It might be worth looking around at other pre schools.

Your dd will be fine. It takes time for them to adjust to a different routine. Is it possible to spend some one to one time with your dd after pre school so she can tell you what she did there.

If you had been working full time your child would have been at nursery instead of being at home with you. So good luck and don't let the pre school make you think you are doing a bad job.

[Mcgons]

I agree with the others and think pre school are wrong.

One of my mindees started pre school last may and it took until recently for her to not say she didn't want to go and to not cry when I left her. She is normally really confident so it was a surprise to me and mum. She has changed key person and we tried other things to settle her which has worked. She's been in my care since last march and never been upset coming to me so it seemed to be being out of a home environment that was the problem.

I would speak to pre school and work on ways to settle her in.

Hope it works out. Don't be hard on yourself, you're not to blame. X

[mr man]

ive been warend about this by a few people ( no childminders) and be honest its got me thinking about it more than id cared. worrying more really that it may happen, when im sure it wont as mentioned ealrir i do a lot more than i wold have done, plus i worked fulltime in a shop.
i did feel a little paranoid, also a mum at school said to me
"your kids must feel left out, as yo'll need to give the children you mind your attention cause your getting paid"
i was mortified, and in iddle of playgroud too. i just said, " not really i treat them all the same". i just couldn't beleive it.
it got me thinking then, not that i should, but do people really think that.

how about - if she has a friend in play group, maybe meet up with or have round for tea (when not working). this could be a confidence builder for her to see you interact with her frind possibly. just an idea.

[mushpea]

i also think the preschool were wrong do judege you and your child on your job.
when my son went to preschool he clung to me and they had to peel him off me,, he took ages to settle and it broke my heart , I wasnt childminding then,, infact I didnt start untill he was almost 6yrs old,,, my daugter when she went to preschool , on her settiling in day looked at me and said 'you can go now mum' not bothered at all and she is 2yrs older than my son, it just depends on the child.
we recently found out my son has ADHD and the lady who diagnosed him told me my job was having a bad affect on him and that I should give up because he cant cope with a lot of people around him,,, but this wont help him deal with this situation , when he goes to work he cant ask everyone in the office to leave cause he dosent like the noise etc!
infact i somone ways the job has helped as he has become more social and now enjoys helping the little ones and the other day when baby fell over and started crying he ran to give him a cuddle where as normaly he would run away cause of the noise.
so no,, I wouldnt say it was your job, have you thought of taking her out then starting her at a different preschool after easter? it could be she just dosent like the preschool

[FussyElmo]

Sounds like a bitter preschool worker to me. Think she is allievating some of her guilt onto you and making you feel bad.

I think that the preschool is to blame if she hasnt settled there. Confidence is a funny thing your dd may have all the confidence in the world with you but might not with other people.

My ds hated going to preschool however he danced into the nursery at school and loves going (touch wood). So looking back it was the preschool that he didnt like

[blue bear]

Wicked woman piling on guilt like that! We suffer enough wondering if sharing our home affects our children without this pre school worker blaming your job on the actual fact that she is unable to settle your child, give her confidence and feel 'at home' in the preschool. Bet you would be horrified if one of your mindees had not settled after a year.

Go and look at other pre schools, see how your daughter reacts, she does not have to go to pre school at all, I had a mindee who just did not rake to preschool and stopped going, she bounced into school no problem, she just was not ready at 3.

Look at what you do at home do you play with the children constantly, do you give her the opportunities to play by herself and with others, do you take her to mix in large loud groups. When I left mine at preschool I was always
heading home to do the beds/ washing/hoovering etc (not really) and kept the exciting activities for when they got home.

[Blackcat]

I think the pre school were BANG out of order for being so judgemental.

I am sorry your DD is so upset and my opinion is could it actually be the pre school itself unsettling her? Just a thought????

My DD has being going to pre-school since she was 2 years old and loves it. I started minding not long after she started and she has never ever complained about going or indicates that she is missing out at home, and believe me she is truly a mummy's girl.

Sending hugs, and please don't let that one little comment upset you, reflect on what is going on, and try and figure it out

I have a mindee starting , and her mum said when she is at school she doesn't interacte because there are too many children, my LO was like this too,
It was just a stage.
maybe she doesn't like crowds?

[Roseolivia]

I am so confused. My DD , who is 3, has had real trouble settling into preschool even though she has been there a year she still cries when I leave her. This has also started a little even when I leave her with her dad!
I am extremely close to her and it has been really upsetting me. She is also an extremely confident child when I am around her, always taking the lead no matter how many and how old the other children are! But when she is in preschool she doent have any confidence at all.
I had a chat with her preschool lady tonight and she said to be brutally honest she thinks it is totally related to the job I do. She childminded for 7 years when her children were young and she thinks it has damaged them beyond mending as they were always pushed out an not given enough attention because we have to be seen to look after the children we are paid to care for to such a high standard!She also said that it is unfair for my dd to be sent off to preschool while I have fun with other children!I havent been able to explain the full extent of what she said cause it would take me forever.
My intitial reaction was that this was a load of rubbish, I feel my dd does huge amounts of things that no other child does at home because of my job! She is always doing activities and never ever gets plonked in front of the TV ect! I sit with all the children and draw and read stories. I thought it was just because we are so close and because I look after her so well.
Now I am doubting all this and feel like crying and giving up the job to look after my children properly!
My daughter , 11 is the same, very unconfident and doesnt like leaving me!
Help is my job damaging my children? Do any of you feel this way?

I sometimes think children who are always with their parent can be clingy and sending your child to preschool would benefit her greatly. What this teacher is saying is a load of C***!!! Your child needs to learn to be independent and learn how to play with other children or by herself. Maybe she doesn't like that teacher

[caz3007]

I am gobsmacked. Most working mums feel guilt about working. We do too but in different ways. How wrong was she to judge you.

My DS is 8 and is still clingy, but I put that down mostly to the fact he is with us all the time, we dont have family close by so he doesnt get left with other people, only once a year when we go to hubbies works xmas do Hubby and I persue our own friends and interests. It works for us, not saying we wouldnt like to spend quality time alone, but at the moment it just doesnt happen.

But our DS is clingy at school, doesnt like change but does go in ok. The pre school should be working with you to sort out your LO and make their experience happy. Perhaps they are more clingy because we are at home all day, but the same can be said for mums who go out to work too.

[Flisspaps]

Utter rubbish.

What about children from large families - are they pushed out too as they have to share their parents attention? Or because one of them goes to pre-school whilst younger ones stay at home with mum?

I dread to think what she would have suggested you do if the minded children were actually your own and DD was the same? Ebay anyone

It's her problem if she chose to give her mindees more attention than her own two and has caused them to be damaged beyond mending (what a terrible thing to say about your own kids)

[Helen Dempster]

I agree that the pre-school teacher was out of order saying that to you - and maybe for putting that idea into your daughter's head!

I used to work full-time in London before I became a childminder, so was leaving my ds (now 4) at private nursery from 8am-6pm. He was there from 6m old to 2 years. I think giving up my job in London was the best thing I ever did FOR HIM! I'm now able to take him to school, stand at the gate and wave him goodbye, then be there for when he comes out. You can't beat that!

Don't let a silly comment from a silly woman make you feel sad. In my opinion, being home for your own child/ren is what matters most. Ok, this may change as they get older - I've also got a 12yo ds and he's not too keen on having some of the little 'uns under his feet, but he's at the age where everything's annoying him anyway!!! lol

You're doing great, in both your occupation and being a mum - keep up the good work!

[sillysausage]

As with others I don't think the preschool leader has a clue.
Whilst your daughter may not get quite as much attention when you have a group of children, as when you just have her, I bet you give her all the attention she needs!!!
You said...

She is also an extremely confident child when I am around her, always taking the lead no matter how many and how old the other children are!

....I think this says that the problem is with preschool.
How many children are at the preschool and how big is the building? Some children can struggle when there is a crowd of children. Also as the staffing ratios are 1:8 for 3 yr olds (1:4 for 2 yr olds) it may be that there are not enough adults there to give her the support she needs to grow in confidence whilst there.
Personally I would be looking at cutting the number of sessions she attends, alternative preschool provision or removing her until she goes to nursery. Many people seem to think that just because 15 hours of free provision is available to 3 yr olds that we must use it. I think 2 or 3 preschool sessions per week is about right for many children and helps prepare them for 1/2 time nursery.

[Pipsqueak]

I am so confused. My DD , who is 3, has had real trouble settling into preschool even though she has been there a year she still cries when I leave her.

I had a chat with her preschool lady tonight and she said to be brutally honest she thinks it is totally related to the job I do.

?

I only read to the second paragraph because I knew what was coming.

And my reaction to what you have been told:

bull888888
twaddle
poop
rubbish


never heard such piddle.


Just to let you know I have childminded for a long while now - 3 of myu own kids later - NONE of them are damaged.

My youngest (now age 6 Year 1) cried and behaved like a rejected child from the time I took him to playschool (age 2.5yrs) right through nursery, right through reception and it was only just before xmas that he suddenly started going into school without clinging, crying or needing me to walk him in. Not sure whats changed but it was a constant reassurance, support from his teachers, getting his friends on board, and a bit of straight talking.

He is NOT damaged, he loves the minded kids, he understands the benefits of mummy working (in his age related world)

So carry on, reassuring your child, stop worrying and continue if YOU feel its ok.

Just because the woman you spoke too obviously couldn't juggle the demands doesn't mean she should pass on her bitter experiences