should i give up on a difficult child

**Beenletloose** · 28-02-2011, 02:38 PM

Hi it's my first mindee and i am into month 3 with him, not a good start to my new career.
I think we should be past the settling in time now but it has'nt really changed, i have tried and tried with much pateince but i feel i have failed.

He seems very spoilt and if i say no or does not get a toy striaght away if my little boy is playing with it, he screams and cries, then for about 2 hours keeps calling for mummy, the other day he arrived a little upset and my little boy was having his nap, this mindee starting to get upset for no apparent reason and cried all the way through lunch, then screamed at me to put the telly on, which i did not as i am quite scrict about politeness and explained that he must stop crying and ask me nicely, anyway i had 2 hours of crying before i finally gave in.

as i am not very experienced i feel this boy would be better off with someone who has more knowledge of a difficult child, i would like to take on others, but i feel so consumed with this one, it is really getting me down, he seems to have the attention all the time, and i am starting to ignore my own little boy as he he being good and quiet. this i think is having an affect on him too.

**Vickster** · 28-02-2011, 02:55 PM

Have you spoken to the parents about it and explained the issues?

**annabee** · 28-02-2011, 03:59 PM

Poor you - he sounds very difficult to manage. Is this his first experience of being away from his mum? If he has been to another childminder and/or nursery perhaps you could talk to them as well as the parent.

It sounds as though you are trying to be as consistant as you can with him. How does he respond to being distracted when he is crying and screaming? Does he have a favourite activity that might stop him crying?

If a child has a tantrum I usually ignore it and give all my attention to the other children and how much fun they are having!

Good luck, hope this helps a little. You are doing a great job and are obviously very caring.

Anna

**mufftie** · 28-02-2011, 04:05 PM

3 months is more than enough time to settle in , if you've tried everything then maybe it is time to give notice , they at not all like this infact most kids are a delight and generally well behaved so don't get down about it but you do need to make a decision else you may end up hating minding altogether

**Louise0208** · 28-02-2011, 04:05 PM

i found the more i try to distract tantrums the more they do them or the longer thay last, i simply ignore & make a big deal of having more fun with the other children so they realise they are 'missing out' on the fun & it snaps them out of it a lot quicker.

**BlondeMoment** · 28-02-2011, 04:11 PM

Gosh you poor thing!

I'd explain the problems you're having with his parents. Maybe the parent can help. Maybe they can talk to him about his behaviour when he is with you and help by rewarding a good report at the end of the day from you. If that doesn't work you may then have to give notice. Nothing is worth sacrificing the happiness of your own child and you sound like you've really tried with him.

Don't feel bad and don't be put off. This one sounds a right nightmare. Children are people just like us and sometimes our personalities just don't match. It's the same working with anyone

**Mrs.L.C** · 28-02-2011, 05:14 PM

Sometimes this just happens and it doesnt matter what you say or do, nothing works.

I had a child few years ago which made me want to gave up the job and I had been doing it for 4 years at this point (I had loved it up intill this point and again do love my job now).
In the end I just said to the parent, I just dont think they are suited to this environment anymore (I had had the child for just over a year) and would recommend they look into a nursery where there are more staff available to offer more support when it is needed.

parent was fine with me saying this and appreciated I had expressed my concerns and the child went to a nursery a month or so later and all calm was restored to the house (well the best if can be lol)

**Deb** · 28-02-2011, 05:20 PM

How old is the child? tbh that all sounds like fairly normal fayre to me. He doenst sound settled and you dont sound confident with him. Expecting politeness out of a tantruming child is a bit daft tbh.

there is no shame in 'giving up' tho, we all have children that we dont get on with/gel with/find difficult, I'm no exception.

I would try a good strong routine for the day - and possibly do him a picture chart so he can see what 's going to happen and let him have one at home to talk about with mum. I would put my child's toys away and only have the midning equipment out.

I would also have a good look at what he chooses to play with too, find out where his interests lie and what his schemas are - then resource around that and him.

Good luck, it's not easy when you have a challenge on your hands.

**gegele** · 28-02-2011, 05:31 PM

how old is the child? how often have you got him.
part timer are longer to settle.

i would give myself 2more weeks and totally change tactics.

talk to the child and explain that when he's finished doing all the silly noise then he can come and join the fun.

make it super fun, force yourself to laugh out loud if need be and totally ignore his crying and screaming as they're just attention seeking.

if he has all your attention when he scream why should he stop???

lots of praise, tickle, cuddles.... fun stuff when he come and join. praise every little quiet time, praise when he stops and calm down, praise whe he play, praise praise praise

BUT NEVER give in!!!!!!

if you say something stick to it! once he knows what is expected and what is unacceptable it'll be ok!

but if you feel you're not coping or you're not getting on with this kids and both of you would be bettter without each other then give your notice.

good luck

**The Juggler** · 28-02-2011, 05:35 PM

how old is he hon. his age/stage will totally depend on how you handle this. if he is older then you can reason with him a bit more but if he's under 2 that would be more difficult.

I think stay firm with the TV and your boundaries. keep trying out lots of new activies - use your 'isn't everythiing exciting' totally OTT child friendly voice to distract him from your son (if he wants what he's got) or to get him interested in what activities you have out.

Ask mum what toys he has at home, perhaps plan your resourcing activities around this i.e. does he have lots of toy story/dinosaurs or just observe those activities he does enjoy (for however short a time).

Have smallword/water play with dinos for a week, put them in the sand, make them in your arts and crafts get books from the library.

good luck x

**mushpea** · 28-02-2011, 06:22 PM

i would just ignore the tantrums and play with your when he is tantruming
you said you finaly gave in well this is what he is waiting for and the more you give in the longer he will scrream for next time as he belives if he screams long enough he will get what he wants. never give in to tantrums and certainly dont give any kind of attention for them but do praise him for all the little things when he does behave.

**Beenletloose** · 01-03-2011, 10:04 AM

Originally Posted by Louise0208

i found the more i try to distract tantrums the more they do them or the longer thay last, i simply ignore & make a big deal of having more fun with the other children so they realise they are 'missing out' on the fun & it snaps them out of it a lot quicker.

great thanks i too think it's best to ignore, but hard for 2 hours.

well done on weight loss, it's hard is'ny it, i too am trying and have lost 10lb in 6 weeks.

**Beenletloose** · 01-03-2011, 10:06 AM

Originally Posted by Vickster

Have you spoken to the parents about it and explained the issues?

yes, but they seem happy to let me deal with it, and says that he is probably tired, it is also very hard to try and get him to join in on things we do like arts and crafts so am finding it very hard to bond, he seems to just like playing with my son as if he is at a friends house.

**Beenletloose** · 01-03-2011, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by annabee

Poor you - he sounds very difficult to manage. Is this his first experience of being away from his mum? If he has been to another childminder and/or nursery perhaps you could talk to them as well as the parent.

It sounds as though you are trying to be as consistant as you can with him. How does he respond to being distracted when he is crying and screaming? Does he have a favourite activity that might stop him crying?

If a child has a tantrum I usually ignore it and give all my attention to the other children and how much fun they are having!

Good luck, hope this helps a little. You are doing a great job and are obviously very caring.

Anna

yes he used to go to nursery, but his mum had another baby and was on maternity leave so had a year off, and now he goes to pre school for 2 half hours each morning, where i pick him up from, but you don't get in to see the teachers otherwise i would ask them.

He can be distracted sometimes, but it's only a short time and he will start again, very very hard on myself and i get really tired.

**Beenletloose** · 01-03-2011, 10:11 AM

Originally Posted by BlondeMoment

Gosh you poor thing!

I'd explain the problems you're having with his parents. Maybe the parent can help. Maybe they can talk to him about his behaviour when he is with you and help by rewarding a good report at the end of the day from you. If that doesn't work you may then have to give notice. Nothing is worth sacrificing the happiness of your own child and you sound like you've really tried with him.

Don't feel bad and don't be put off. This one sounds a right nightmare. Children are people just like us and sometimes our personalities just don't match. It's the same working with anyone

thanks so much it's makes me fill so much better, knowing that's it's prob not me, it has kind of put mne off childminding

**Little Darlings** · 01-03-2011, 11:21 AM

Don't give up minding! I have been minding for nearly 3 years and for most of that time I had a difficult little one, It got so bad that I never wanted to work and would dread him coming. I was about to quit when my best mate (also a childminder) advised me to get rid of child first and see how I felt after, I did and now love my job. This child was not right for me or my own child. Speak to parent first by all means there might be something going on at home that he has picked up on but parents not told you about (trust me we are always the last to know), all else fails get rid of child NOT your job. don't let one child ruin your hard work. Good luck hunni