Feeling bad about my own children

**JCrakers** · 08-02-2011, 12:48 PM

Ive been childminding for the past 3.5yrs and its going well. My only concern is when I am working till 6pm and I have after school children that need feeding as well as my daytime under 5's, my own two children are coming in from school and doing nothing.

My daughter (nearly 9) sometimes plays with the older children as she knows them well. If she doesn't want to play, she watches TV and when I have time I can sit with her etc.
My son is nearly 12 and comes in at 4pm...he goes straight to his room and plays his xbox, sometimes alone but recently online with his mates.
Because I'm so busy downstairs I forget that he's up there half the time.
He comes down for his tea and usually goes back upstairs. I'm knackered by 6pm but have mine and hubbies tea to make so by the time we've finished tea my son has been in his room for 3hrs playing xbox.

He does footy 3 times a week,rugby at school and i'm not concerned about his health and at weekends its not very often we stay in but I'm just realising how much I dont see him in the week because of my job

He doesnt want to join in downstairs anymore like he used to but what can I do to spend time with him that will interest him?

Becky

**Bridey** · 08-02-2011, 01:04 PM

My 13 year old son is exactly the same. He's also like that when I'm not working if he can get away with it. His mates also spend time in their rooms rather than with their parents. Its their age - they like their privacy and time to themselves so don't beat yourself up about him. He'd be up there anyway. Its very 'uncool' to hang around with mum and if he's playing online with his friends then he's having some social interaction (in the strange way that us old folk just don't get!).

Your daughter seems to have a good balance of playing and resting. Children are often very tired after school. I have 8/9 year old girls that come here and they are very into arts and crafts. Maybe stock up on some new materials that her and the afterschoolers could use?

Also, its been a very cold, hard winter. I'm sure things will change a little when the weather brightens and everyone feels like going outside again.

At least you are there at home for them if they need you and they know that

As for the cooking side of things. I feed 8 children, my son and myself every evening. We all eat the same food, not separate dinners, (Casseroles, chilli, currys, shepherds pie, bangers & mash, pasta etc). I just keep mine and my son's warm for after 6 when all the LOs leave. Doing this will allow you some time after the kiddies have gone to spend with your own children rather than starting to cook again.

**rickysmiths** · 08-02-2011, 01:14 PM

Originally Posted by Bridey

My 13 year old son is exactly the same. He's also like that when I'm not working if he can get away with it. His mates also spend time in their rooms rather than with their parents. Its their age - they like their privacy and time to themselves so don't beat yourself up about him. He'd be up there anyway.

Your daughter seems to have a good balance of playing and resting. Children are often very tired after school. I have 8/9 year old girls that come here and they are very into arts and crafts. Maybe stock up on some new materials that her and the afterschoolers could use?

Also, its been a very cold, hard winter. I'm sure things will change a little when the weather brightens and everyone feels like going outside again

As for the cooking side of things. I feed 8 children, my son and myself every evening. We all eat the same food, not separate dinners, (Casseroles, chilli, currys, shepherds pie, bangers & mash, pasta etc). I just keep mine and my son's warm for after 6 when all the LOs leave. Doing this will allow you some time after the kiddies have gone to spend with your own children rather than starting to cook again.

I agree.

My two have big desks in their rooms so they can do their homework in peace. I also have never allowed X-box etc in bedrooms, in fact mean mum that I am,

my son only got an X-box for his birthday/Xmas last year when he was 16yrs. We have never had one or a Wii or Playstation. I feel if they have them in their bedrooms it encourages them to be alone for long periods of time. Ours is in our living room, thanks to our new extention it is only used during the day for sleeping babies in travel cots. He goes in there after school but I can hear him and it doesn't feel so isolating.

**sarak31** · 08-02-2011, 01:21 PM

My eldest is 8 (my mindees are all under 2) and she has started going in the other room to watch TV a lot more - so I have started to get some crafty stuff arranged for her to get her in with us and also have stopped allowing the TV so much - I find she comes and joins in then so we are together a bit more. I find I am better at getting her included if I think of her as a mindee and plan stuff for her - does that make me a bad mum that I have to think of her as a mindee to get stuff organised for her - sounds awful now!

But I was having this same conversation with someone the other day and she said to me - you have to remember that you are still here for them. They might choose to go off and do their own thing, or they might find it boring playing with the little ones etc, but you are the one there when they come out of school and you are there for her to talk to if she has any problems. She was recently bullied at school as I was soooo thankful I was the one that was there for her - so when I worry about her on her own watching TV in the other room or upstairs on her own on the DS then I remember that!

**Bridey** · 08-02-2011, 01:23 PM

My son does have it in his room now (its a fairly recent move) but it was mainly because I have up to 10 afterschoolers in my downstairs everyday!

**RainbowMum** · 08-02-2011, 02:33 PM

And if you worked outside the home and didn't finish till 5 - it would be at least 5.30 till you got home, you'd still have tea etc to do............ Dont beat yourself up about it - as already said - at least you are there for them if they need you xx

**MrsShell** · 08-02-2011, 04:51 PM

My son is 11 and is exactly the same. He goes to his room when he gets in and plays online with his friends for a while even if I'm not working. I then prepare tea and we eat together. He then does his homework and goes back upstairs on his own rather than sit with me downstairs.

My son also plays football 3 times a week so I am not worried he isn't getting enough exercise and I am sure when the warmer weather arrives he will be over the park playing footy rather than locking himself in his room.

I too was worried that he was spending too much time alone and not interacting with me but I understand from other parents that their boys appear to do the same thing.

As others have said I think it is an age thing and your son would probably be upstairs on his own whether or not you were working at home or not. At least we are only downstairs if they need anything!

Michelle x

**tracey36** · 08-02-2011, 04:58 PM

Originally Posted by Bridey

My son does have it in his room now (its a fairly recent move) but it was mainly because I have up to 10 afterschoolers in my downstairs everyday!

OMG!!!!! 10 you must be a saint i dont think i could cope with that many lol

**xdirtydancerx** · 08-02-2011, 05:05 PM

I'm thinking back to when I was 12 (even though I'm female) and to be honest all I can picture is listening to music in my room or being out with my mates or at their houses. Oh, or chatting up cute boys

So I think it's probably normal and nothing to do with you being a childminder. I'd ask him if theres anything he'd like you to do together but be prepared for him to tell you no

**buzzy bee** · 08-02-2011, 05:15 PM

When I was younger I was lucky enough to have my mum at home when I got home from school... BUT to be honest, most of the time I would have a quick chat with her while I had a drink, and then I'd either veg out in front of some TV (aah... the Queens Nose and Woof... those were the days!!) or go up to my room and listen to music or do my homework.

And I'm fine now (HA HA!) So I would try not to worry too much. If your kids are anything like I was then they'll just be happy that you're downstairs if you need them and it's just nice to have you there.

**xdirtydancerx** · 08-02-2011, 05:18 PM

Originally Posted by buzzy bee

Queens Noese

I used to watch that. Great book too - must get it for my dd

**mufftie** · 08-02-2011, 06:41 PM

Originally Posted by rickysmiths

I agree.

My two have big desks in their rooms so they can do their homework in peace. I also have never allowed X-box etc in bedrooms, in fact mean mum that I am,

my son only got an X-box for his birthday/Xmas last year when he was 16yrs. We have never had one or a Wii or Playstation. I feel if they have them in their bedrooms it encourages them to be alone for long periods of time. Ours is in our living room, thanks to our new extention it is only used during the day for sleeping babies in travel cots. He goes in there after school but I can hear him and it doesn't feel so isolating.

i agree i must be a mean mum too , we only have 1 games console in my huge household (5 adults and 3 children live here at the moment ) and thats a wii in the lounge , i wouldnt dream of allowing such a young child to have an x box in his room as this is the cause of his isolation , my 19 never had a tv in his room ,and my daughter 17 has only just bought herself one , and wish i hadnt allowed it as she never comes out of her room now

**xdirtydancerx** · 08-02-2011, 06:43 PM

Originally Posted by mufftie

i agree i must be a mean mum too , we only have 1 games console in my huge household and thats a wii in the lounge , i wouldnt dream of allowing such a young child to have an x box in his room as this is the cause of his isolation , my 19 never had a tv in his room ,and my daughter 17 has only just bought herself one , and wish i hadnt allowed it as she never comes out of her room now

We have a wii but that stays in the lounge. DD can take her nintendo ds wherever she wants but to be fair she usually plays it in the lounge and chats to me and her dad at the same time

**mushpea** · 08-02-2011, 08:49 PM

my daughter is 12yrs and each day comes in from school, grabs a snack then spends all her time on her own in her room,, she spends quite a bit of time doing homework but this is her first year of hight school and she wants to be a vet and knows she needs good grades. at the weekend she also spends a lot of time on her own in her room.
My son is 10yrs and somtimes will play with the others and somtimes spends time on the xbox,, just this week i have started to let him play out on his own and he is loving it,, it is also helping him to act grown up as he knows if he acts silly it means he is not grown up enough to play out,, we also have the rule that he can play on his xbox before tea but after tea there are to be no computers, xbox etc and we do somthing together, either board games or at the moment mecanno is his favoirte.
to me its about a work/homelife balence like any other working mum,, the difference for us is that we are there for them and can give them the freedom they want such as playing out etc.
and as i frequently remind my children,, if i didnt do this job i wouldnt be able to afford all the nice things we do and nice things they have such as holidays, xboxs etc.

onceinabluemoon · 08-02-2011, 08:56 PM

Ok... trust me to be different but my sons (14 and 15 years old) do not spend their evenings alone in their rooms. They do chat to their friends on the MSN, facebook chat etc but do it downstairs in the family room. I can't imagine how hard it must be for mums whose children disappear up to their rooms...

Anyway to OP: WRT your 12 year old son, get him downstairs at meal prep times, ask him, can you stir this, can you peel that, can you just help with this pastry or can you put the veg out in this dish and talk to him all the time about his friends, his games, his life etc. Make it fun rather than a chore, ask him how he would like to make something, get his input and let him try bizarre things (do you know chicken cooked in coca cola is really YUMMMM, lol) Boys find it easier to 'sideways talk', that is talk when they're busy doing something else. This way you still get to prepare the meals but you spend time with him too - and you may be amazed at what you find out, lol!

WRT your daughter, how about some one to one girly shopping time, or beauty shop at the weekend? I have sons not daughter so don't know so much about them, lol!

**The Juggler** · 08-02-2011, 10:33 PM

haven't read all the posts but what about cooking a meal for later that you share with your children and hubby. then I agree with other posters, have a fun day, go shopping with dd, take them to cinema/bikeride - although I know teenagers would probably prefer not to be seen with us

**JCrakers** · 09-02-2011, 10:31 AM

Thanks all...Feeling better now. It wasnt the weekends that bothered me as we are always out doing things...it was the school nights. I think I worry too much about them not being bored. When I was a girl in the late 70's/early 80's I was an only child until I was 10 and had to amuse myself. We did in those days...kids took a back seat. These days we are very child focused.
I always need to be doing something with the kids..weekends are always 'where can we go?''What shall we do'? I get bored VERY easily and need to amuse myself with loads of things..

I know its his age but just felt bad...but feeling better after reading everyones post. Cant put the xbox in the lounge as we have glass doors from playroom and his shooting games arent suitable for mindees to be watching.
The wii is in the lounge but he doesnt go on it that often and he's grown out of his DS.
Think I'll feel better when the warmer lighter evening come and then he'll be out with his mates rather that in his room.

becky x

**JCrakers** · 09-02-2011, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by The Juggler

haven't read all the posts but what about cooking a meal for later that you share with your children and hubby. then I agree with other posters, have a fun day, go shopping with dd, take them to cinema/bikeride - although I know teenagers would probably prefer not to be seen with us

It was just the school nights/my working week I was worried about...we do loads of that stuff at the weekend.

**The Juggler** · 09-02-2011, 02:33 PM

Originally Posted by bexc

It was just the school nights/my working week I was worried about...we do loads of that stuff at the weekend.

ah sorry hon, just saw your last post too. can you eat a meal together in week days - that just gives a nice catch up time/sharing time.

**Chatterbox Childcare** · 09-02-2011, 02:46 PM

Your son is doing what any teenager does, regardless of whether you are working or not

Your daughter is having time out, although she may tv she is unwinding

Why not sit down and talk to them both and it should put your mind at ease.

After all if you were not childminding you would be at work and they would be doing the same thing, only on their own