Split personality?

**snufflepuff** · 02-09-2010, 07:58 AM

I have a mindee, 19 months, who is a real angel when she is here- never any trouble, always plays nicely, kind to the other children, eats well, goes off to sleep no fuss etc. But she is causing real trouble at home. I go to a toddler group that she goes to with Mum and she is a nightmare there too- tantrums, hitting, throwing things, screams for attention, headbanging etc. Apparently she can be alot worse at home too. She plays up as soon as Mum arrives to collect her- often heading straight for my son to hit him! I know most children tend to behave differently when way from their parents but not quite to this extreme.

It seems to be really bothering Mum that she is so good when shes with me but awful at home. Is there anything i can do to help? Mindee is almost the exact same age as my son so have explained how i deal with tantrums from him and what works for us i.e ignore it as long as he cannot hurt himself or someone else. I think Mum has been trying to reason with LO or distract her with snacks or milk which is obviously giving her the attention she is seeking and won't help.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

**Ripeberry** · 02-09-2010, 08:47 AM

That's the answer isn't it. You can't really reason with a child under 3yrs old as they are driven by needs and get overwhelmed by emotion.

You are doing right by ignoring, the child is worse with the parent because she knows that mum gives up but CM is a harder nut to crack

**snufflepuff** · 02-09-2010, 09:09 AM

because she knows that mum gives up but CM is a harder nut to crack

Lol! I suppose i am quite a no-nonsense kinda gal!

**blue bear** · 02-09-2010, 04:25 PM

this LO sounds like she is taking it to the extreme, have you talked to mum how show she handles dicipline?

If she's worried maybe ask her to do a diary of what happens what is said and the outcome is. See if you can find a pattern. might be threats that are not carried out, or inconsistant parenting from mum and dad confusing child.

If she is fine with you, it must be something that happens differently at home, sometimes in the end you just have to be blunt and tell it how it is, so if for example mum is causing it by not using appropriate sanctions, then you have to tell her.

**jadylasa** · 02-09-2010, 04:34 PM

other peoples comments are right, but along side this I would write it up in your concerns section of your accident folder. Probably nothing to worry about but there could be something going on at home. I know it's extreme but it covers all eventualities. Good luck with this hun.

jumpinjen · 02-09-2010, 04:35 PM

One of my little ones pushes it with mum..... mum does say that she isn't firm enough as she feels guilty that she has to work so gives in as she wasnt Lo to be happy.... perhaps mum isn't providing firm enough boundaries?

might help to start it off as agreeing the same boundaries with mum so sit down and talk about it and agree what you both will do but during the course of the conversation mum might well get some tips as to how firm to be and what boundaries a LO needs.... you could print her off somethign from the net to read about boundaries and structure bnenefiting children or how to handle tantrums..... nursery world have some good articles on line aimed at parents

jen x

**WibbleWobble** · 02-09-2010, 04:48 PM

This afternoon i was changing LOs nappy on the patio with my back to the back door. DD had let in mum and she stood watching me. I didnt know she was there.

She was gobsmacked as LO puts up a fight at home when he is changed. Here he lies there chatting away saying "bum bums" he is great, no fighting, no shouting etc.

I think kids are like other little animals....they smell fear!

mum is uptight thinking LO will act up = LO acts up!

i agree with ripeberry...i am a tougher nut to crack...i have been round the block, bought the t shirt and wrote the manual!

simples....

jumpinjen · 02-09-2010, 04:59 PM

Originally Posted by parsleypetal

She was gobsmacked as LO puts up a fight at home when he is changed. Here he lies there chatting away saying "bum bums" he is great, no fighting, no shouting etc.

Ditto... i had little one overnight for a week when mum had to work away.... she slept 12 hours through the night every night, without a dummy and went off in five mins flat every night.... mum was gutted as it takes 1 1/2 hours most nights at home with dummy, singing seahorse, three teddies and two books... oh and a particular blanket...... ooops!

jen x

**snufflepuff** · 02-09-2010, 06:10 PM

Thanks ladies- i think next time she brings it up i'll have a proper chat with her. I have already spoken to her about making sure we are consistent/ following the same routine etc and she agreed but doesn't seem to carry it out. Fine by me of course because i get the angel child

but i really do want to be able to help. Mum has been suffering with mild depression and today actually told me that she's decided not to have more children at least until this LO is in school because she hates the stage she is at/ the way LO behaves and just cannot handle it. Apparently she had to deal with a tantrum at 1am this morning, bless her.