Mindee frightened by my DH

**Zoomie** · 09-02-2010, 02:57 PM

I have been minding for abt 8 months now, and have had this mindee from the start. Attends +30h a week.

DH leaves before mindees come and comes home after they have left. He has obviously been 'home' on a few occassions, but it has generally been cos he is unwell or having a day off.

Have always noticed that mindee gets a 'little fright' in the morning when she comes if DH has happened to be at home. DH has nipped upstairs, mindee has settled and then DH has come back down and gone about his day, (which hasn't really been 'with' me and the children. Mindee has been fine for the rest of the day.

DH was off work for a day last week for appointments. Mindee was coming down with something that day and was very upset (very unusual) at drop off. DH went out before mum had left and mindee waved mum off okayish.

Mum had said to mindee that my DH was off to work, so I mentioned on school run that DH would be coming back later on, to prepare her. Mindee started to cry, I settled her and we went abt our morning out. When we got home mindee was 'concerned' if DH would be home when we got home and I said probably yes and DH was there. Well mindee got very upset and cried uncontrollably and I eventually phoned mum to collect. We all agreed that mindee was 'fighting something', and my DH's presence was tipping her over the edge. Mindee went home and stayed off the next day.

Anyhows this week, mindee has injected into lots of conversations about DH (or my DD's daddy) being at work and not coming back until mindee gone home etc etc, which in the grand sceme of things I wouldn't think to much about, BUT I am starting to get concerned that mindee is making herself scared of my DH.

Not sure what I am asking actually, I obviously need to work on making mindee see that DH is not scarey (she said she isn't but other things make me think she is). DH isn't here often enough for me to make him 'friendly' and he isn't really as child friendly as I am ?????????

**Hebs** · 09-02-2010, 03:08 PM

What about making her a book of things you all like to do and take pics of your hubby doing some of the activities (not all his photos but a mix) for her to take home?

**caz3007** · 09-02-2010, 03:48 PM

One of my little mindies used to cry when he saw my teenage son, he only used to say 'hello mate' and then the lo used to cry.

Strange though that she is worrying herself silly about your DH, perhaps its just cos he isnt usually there and she likes things to stay the same, ifykwim

**tigger** · 09-02-2010, 04:40 PM

I had a lo who was scared of any man who wasn't her father. It did present a problem to me as DH worked from home at the time. It wasn't something that went away but you can't not have your husband around at home just because the mindee doesn't like it. Try to make sure there are pictures of your DH around so that the mindee can see them, talk about him, try and get the mindee involved in making something and try to get her to show him what she's made.
Another thing to ask is this is he tall? My DH is 6ft 5in and this does affect some lo's because they are this big tall giant.

**Playmate** · 09-02-2010, 05:09 PM

Not quite sure what to suggest, but do symperthise. DH and I work togther and recently had to give notice on a little girl who we had had for a year. She was unsure about Mick from the start and just thought in time it would improve, but it just got worse. She wouldn't allow me out of her sight and just caused huge amount of stress. Funnily enough Mick saw her today at nursery pick up time and she actually said hello

Obviously for you it is not such a problem as he is not there all the time. The above suggestions might be worth a try. Hope things improve

**Zoomie** · 09-02-2010, 05:16 PM

there are pics of dh round the house and mindee's dad is 6in taller than than my dh.

**kindredspirits** · 10-02-2010, 09:09 AM

perhaps her own dad is the discipliner in the house so she see's men as a scary threat - i would have your dh pop in and out when he is at home and if she gets upset explain that she is safe with you and give her a cuddle, but don't make a big deal of it - and if you keep calling her mum home when your dh is around she is going to use that as a way of getting mummy early.

**Spangles** · 10-02-2010, 10:02 AM

A couple of separate mindees I had (both very little) were scared of my hubby but we think it was because all dads are in the army so it was weird for them to see them all in the same uniform. When hubby wasn't in uniform they were both fine.

Does your hubby wear glasses that the mindee's not used to? Or have a beard?

Is mindee okay if you sit with her while your hubby is in the same room? Maybe you could spend more time like that?

I think the photo idea is good.

It's a difficult situation, must make your hubby feel horrible too.

xx

**dobby** · 10-02-2010, 01:49 PM

Its hard when that happens isnt it? My poor Dh had to hide upstairs when I first minded a set of twins 3 years ago as they would scream the house donw - in stereo if he walked through the door

Luckily their mum saw it all and realised there was no malice from hubby and at home would tell them how nice DH was and encouraged them to say hello/goodbye to him when he was around. They are still with me and now run over to him as soon as he is home to get cuddles and tell him what they have been doing

We have also learnt from that first experience that DH is introduced to parents/ child as part of settling in process and if around when child here is greeted warmly, and he stops to chat with them. Natuarally there are some children who are not keen but he no longer hides away, just stays in the background, being included in conversation, meals etc until they are used to him.