New mindee hurting others

**Shivvie** · 17-10-2009, 08:10 AM

Hi. I'm having a bit of a problem at the moment.

We took on a new mindee 3 weeks ago. He's the son of an existing parent's friend, who I also know fairly well too. The little boy is 22 months old.

The problem is that he keeps hitting, pushing, and jumping on the other children! I know he's too young to be doing it with malicious intent, but the other children are too young to know that too! On Thursday, one of our 3 year olds heard him arrive and said to me, "Oh no, X is here, he hurts me".

He tends to carry toys around with him and use them as weapons to hit other children on the head. We do try to step in before he manages but, to be honest, its quite exhausting having to constantly watch him, as we're not able to let him out of our site! He's also into everything, hammering the patio windows, peeling posters etc off the wall, climbing on the toy kitchens, switching on and off the plug socket switches etc. This on its own wouldn't bother me too much, as he will learn eventually not to do these things, and I know perhaps that after a while of being with us, he will learn that its not acceptable to hit other children. The problem is now. I'm not sure how long it will take for him to realise, and in the meantime the other children aren't happy (noticably the older ones try to avoid him) and hubby and I are jibbering wrecks at the end of the day

Its the end of the settling in period next week so do you think it would be ok to ask mum if we could extend the settling in for another 4 weeks? When I told her about his behaviour yesterday, she jokingly said to her child, "Oh no, they'll be barring you!"

I feel terrible, more so because I know mum fairly well, but I don't like the idea of 'giving up'. All our other children are really settled and enjoy their time with us and they're not happy at the moment, which upsets me. Although this little boy is only here 2 days a week, on the Friday we have 6 children under 5 which is proving to be a bit of a nightmare with him

The awful thing is, she has asked for 2 more days after January, to which I've said no. I've told her that we're not full, but we're as full as we want to be.

Sorry for the long post. I haven't experienced a child like this so any advice and previous experience from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks x

**sarah707** · 17-10-2009, 08:29 AM

I had a child exactly like this many years ago.

The other children were going home and moaning (quite justifiably) to their parents.

As a result of his actions I very nearly lost 2 established children.

I only found out by accident - another minder approached me and said x an y's mum came to see me last night, is there a problem? Can't you look after them any more?...

He was within the settling in period so I gave immediate notice.

The mix of children has to work and if it doesn't then the children who are established have to come first.

That's how I've worked from that day on.

Hth

**cherry pink** · 17-10-2009, 11:13 AM

[QUOTE=sarah707;552693]I had a child exactly like this many years ago.

The other children were going home and moaning (quite justifiably) to their parents.

As a result of his actions I very nearly lost 2 established children.

I only found out by accident - another minder approached me and said x an y's mum came to see me last night, is there a problem? Can't you look after them any more?...

He was within the settling in period so I gave immediate notice.

The mix of children has to work and if it doesn't then the children who are established have to come first.

i agree with sarah i have had to do this in the past and i think it mainly boiled down to the parent thinking it's a bit of a laugh and not taking it seriously..
i definately think your current mindees have to come first cos it's so sad when another mindee says about lo hurting them...and if you are constantly having to watch them then your care of the others could be compromised..
good luck with your decision

**carol cameron** · 17-10-2009, 11:49 AM

It's such an awful time when this happens but you are well within your rights to extend the settling in time. I recently had to give notice to a child who was very similar and I tried for 6 months to make it work. I talked to mum and explained that I felt my setting was not the place her child needed to be at this point in his life. When the child left I slept properly again for the first time in months and couldn't understand why I hadn't done it sooner. I hate to give up on any child though and really hope he has settled in his new placement.Good luck with your situation.

**helenlc** · 17-10-2009, 11:58 AM

I would suggest extanding the settling in period for perhaps another 4 weeks - if your nerves can handle it?

I had a very disruptive child a while back and in the end did give notice. I felt so much better after. And the running of my practice ie me and the other children in my care, our routine etc got so much better and more relaxed. I no longer had to worry about where I went and whether I would be somewhere where I could deal with his tantrums safely etc.

Also, I must say, judging by Mums comment about "They will be barring you next", she is not totally surprised by you reporting his behaviour. This suggests to me that this is his normal behaviour and not just because he is settling in with you.

Good luck whatever you decide.

**janminder** · 17-10-2009, 12:34 PM

An extended settling in period sounds the best way to go, it gives the child more time to adjust to the changes and then if there is no improvement you can let him go without feeling as if you 'gave up' on him.

It is a hard decision to make but as you say its upsetting seeing the affect on the other children. Do you know if this is his normal behaviour?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

**Shivvie** · 17-10-2009, 12:52 PM

Thank you for all your replies.

I think I will go with offering to extend the settling-in period, but I don't know what mum will do if we have to ask her not to bring him anymore, as she's only just gone back to work and came to us because she knew us. I feel so guilty!

I think I would feel better and more confident about it if the child was older; 22 months seems very young and maybe, once he has been with us for a while, his behaviour will improve. He hasn't really mixed with a group of children before and I know that is no excuse as lots of our mindees hadn't, but it makes me give him the benefit of the doubt

Although I would feel very bad and would probably give mum time to find alternative childcare, extending the settling-in period will make her realise that there is chance that he will have to leave - forewarn her if you see what I mean?

I hate this part of the job! I just want things to run smoothly and for everyone to get on well - not real life though eh??

**miffy** · 17-10-2009, 09:30 PM

I think you're right to extend the settling in period but I think you also need to talk to mum and try and come up with a way of dealing with the child's behaviour that will work at home as well as when he's with you.

Perhaps when mum realises this is serious and she might lose her childcare, she won't joke about his behaviour.

Well done for persevering - that's hard when the other children aren't happy and you're frazzled.

Miffy xx

Pipsqueak · 17-10-2009, 09:36 PM

When you extend the settling in period I think you need to broach mum about some behaviour managment. Get the parents involved as well, draw up some consistent boundaries together. I am sure you are doing all the right things anyway - praise, distraction, also get mum to realise she needs to be talking to the child about 'feelings of others' , 'our own actions' (in child simple terms) .

Good luck xx

**carebear25** · 17-10-2009, 10:05 PM

I have a child like this - not quite as bad but he is constantly hittin, pushin, pullin down .........

Unfortunately its my own child even when i watch him like a hawk he manages 2 do sumthin when my back is turned for seconds ...

It is tirin an fustratin

**gegele** · 18-10-2009, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by carebear25

I have a child like this - not quite as bad but he is constantly hittin, pushin, pullin down .........

Unfortunately its my own child

i have the same t home but he's only 15months and getting better slowly. i sat him down and removed him from others when he did hit and i told olders off as well as they were putting their hands up as soon as they saw him with a toy so he thought they were playing and he would run to them and bash them. they stopped. he stopped!

good luck