apologising

[Helen79]

I was just wondering what age you expect children to start to apologise for unwanted behaviour & what age they actually understand it?
Also what do you do if a child refuses to apologise?

[sarah707]

I never ask a child to apologise!

You are putting them in a corner from which there is no escape if they refuse to comply... and it often just makes the situation worse.

Instead I make it clear that their behaviour is not acceptable and I apologise on their behalf.

hth

[aly]

I was told at my behaviour management course, not to make them say it as it's not them saying it but you putting words in their mouth!.

[Helen79]

Thanks Sarah thats kind of what what I've been thinking but dd is getting upset when she always apologises but mindee never says sorry to her when he has hit her, he is a lot younger but I've been trying to encourage saying sorry as he does at home.

How do you encourage children to take responsibility for their behaviour & understand that it''s nice to say sorry?

[Helen79]

sorry cross posts, thanks Aly aswell.
How do I explain to dd about him not saying sorry? She thinks he has 'got away with it' & ends up more upset.

[sweets]

If children are at an age where the understand what they are doing then i ask them to say sorry but if they don't then usually say 'ok i will say sorry for you this time as its the polite thing to do when you have hurt someone and it make ? feel better' Never back yourself into a corner by insisting they say it, i have done this before and believe me they always win! lol

[Blackhorse]

I have to confess that I am a bit surprised to read this..

I was always brought up in a way that I had to say please, thank you and I had to apologise and to be honest that's how I think it should be..

So if we don't ask children to apologise how will they learn to apologise? What do they suggest at the behaviour management courses?

pls don't think I am criticising I am reading, learning wondering and want to know more!!

[sarah707]

At behaviour management courses they say that you must not make a child apologise... positive behaviour management is about praising the good, not criticising a child.

It's not about backing a child into a corner or forcing him to say words he doesn't mean or making him feel small by talking to him in anything other than a positive way.

At my dp's school recently he was told not to expect or ask children to say please or thank you in the lunch queue as they might see it as a negative and a reason not to have lunches!!

The world might have gone mad but if you want to do what the latest advice says, then I would suggest you put yourself on a course. It was quite an eye opener for me!!

[Helen79]

I was always brought up in a way that I had to say please, thank you and I had to apologise and to be honest that's how I think it should be..

So if we don't ask children to apologise how will they learn to apologise? What do they suggest at the behaviour management courses?

I'm the same which is why I'm looking for new strategies after backing myself into a corner several times with one mindee with neither of us refusing to budge & making the situation 10x worse than it needed to be

dd has always been asked to apologise & always has, ds (18months) has started signing sorry already (I'm well aware he hasn't got a clue what he's doing, he just likes to look cute lol)

so I'm not sure what to do now with the mindee who refuses to say sorry or even acknowledge he has done anything wrong.

It's more that dd is getting upset that he hasn't said sorry, rather than me trying to punish him for hitting iyswim.

[Helen79]

sorry Sarah, crossed posts again. Thanks for explaining.

I totally agree but how do children learn manners then if no one expects them to say sorry, please & thank you? Surely it's not negative to politely ask a child to say thank you.
I expect all my children to say please & thank you & it's one of the first signs both my children have learnt (mainly to stop them uh uh ing it at me whenever they want something though)

I've done the positive behaviour course but sometimes I forget & have to take a step back & assess how I approach certain behaviour. This is one of them.

I'll try a different approach tomorrow when he comes & just hope he doesn't hit dd

[Blackhorse]

At behaviour management courses they say that you must not make a child apologise... positive behaviour management is about praising the good, not criticising a child.

It's not about backing a child into a corner or forcing him to say words he doesn't mean or making him feel small by talking to him in anything other than a positive way.

At my dp's school recently he was told not to expect or ask children to say please or thank you in the lunch queue as they might see it as a negative and a reason not to have lunches!!

The world might have gone mad but if you want to do what the latest advice says, then I would suggest you put yourself on a course. It was quite an eye opener for me!!

Thanks Sarah.
I think I will find out if there are any courses around in my area
I fully agree with praising good behaviour, but does this mean we shouldn't tell them off for anything ? And yes, I think the world has got mad...

[~Chelle~]

Well that is just crazy!!! No wonder there are so many rude children about.

If a minded child does something wrong, they are told that it is wrong and I ask them "what do you say" and straight away they will say sorry, because they know that this is what they are meant to do.

If they do not say please and thank you, I always ask "what do you say" and they will say "please" or "thank you" because they know that this is the right thing to do.

I always work with the parents in regards to this and ask what they do at home and usually they always tend to do the same as me.

I always praise good behaviour so it is not always being negative.

I think that most of these courses have really "far out" views - in MY opinion children need to be taught manners and saying sorry for their actions is part of that, it was how I was brought up too. A lot of courses now contradict things that we have been told in the past.

My sons always comment on children who dont say sorry or please or thank you and say that they are rude for not doing so.

Sorry to sound like I am ranting - written things always come across that way - doh!

[Ben10mad]

I have to confess that I am a bit surprised to read this..

I was always brought up in a way that I had to say please, thank you and I had to apologise and to be honest that's how I think it should be..

So if we don't ask children to apologise how will they learn to apologise? What do they suggest at the behaviour management courses?

pls don't think I am criticising I am reading, learning wondering and want to know more!!

Im the same always been brought up to say please, thank you and sorry.
All my minded children have been with me from a young age so i started early learning them whats right from wrong, dont get me wrong they all have there moments, but i.e if to say a child hit a another child whist in my care all i would have to do is look at them and say now thats not exceptable, and they would apologise i wouldn't have to say, say sorry for what you have done. Quite lucky really lol

[~Chelle~]

Sorry, forgot to add that if the child keeps hitting your daughter, have a word with the parents to see what they do at home if he mis-behaves, they might handle a situation differently to you.xx

[Blackhorse]

pretty much my thoughts Chelle...

[~Chelle~]

pretty much my thoughts Chelle...

Phew, glad I am not alone.

Half these courses make you feel so inadequate - I hate feeling so scrutinised and left feeling that I am incompetent.

I have my own children and know right from wrong so is it so bad to teach children manners?

The world has gone mad

[Schnakes]

Obviously talking about certain issues helps and if one child hit another we would have a discussion about why they did it and how it made the other person feel.
However!! Repeated physical behaiour like that is rewarded with a time out and I dont give a what a behaviour management class says about that, this is my house and I will not tolerate certain behaviours.

I'm the same which is why I'm looking for new strategies after backing myself into a corner several times with one mindee with neither of us refusing to budge & making the situation 10x worse than it needed to be

Gotta say, this would be one of those behaviours. I guess Im pretty old school but I would absolutely not be having a child arguing with me unless it was a valid debate.

Lastly, I do expect the children to speak to me and everybody else with respect. That includes your pleases, thank yous and sorrys.

Oooh, Im so old-school!!

Sx

[atmkids]

Have to say I agree with Chelle on this one. Manners cost nothing and to not say sorry is basically bad manners. I even teach my children that you should still say sorry if it was an accident as this helps towards making the other child feel better and prevent bad feeling between them. I now know to avoid any behaviour management courses as I'm very proud to have brought up 3 children with good manners who get plenty of praise for good behaviour. At the end of the day what they're teaching now will probably be 'out of fashion' in the future. Sorry for the rant but I feel very strongly about this.

[Minstrel]

Well that is just crazy!!! No wonder there are so many rude children about.

If a minded child does something wrong, they are told that it is wrong and I ask them "what do you say" and straight away they will say sorry, because they know that this is what they are meant to do.

If they do not say please and thank you, I always ask "what do you say" and they will say "please" or "thank you" because they know that this is the right thing to do.

I always work with the parents in regards to this and ask what they do at home and usually they always tend to do the same as me.

I always praise good behaviour so it is not always being negative.

I think that most of these courses have really "far out" views - in MY opinion children need to be taught manners and saying sorry for their actions is part of that, it was how I was brought up too. A lot of courses now contradict things that we have been told in the past.

My sons always comment on children who dont say sorry or please or thank you and say that they are rude for not doing so.

Sorry to sound like I am ranting - written things always come across that way - doh!

Agree with every word here!

I'm definitely a positive parent. My children are both well behaved and have lots of confidence. They are always praised for their wonderful manners and they see it as something to be proud of.

I dont 'force' them to and i dont' back myself into a corner when they don;t want but i do teach it from birth really. I use please thank you excuse me sorry etc etc from when they are tiny and it becomes second nature to them.

I speak to them exactly how i would like to be spoken to myself with regards to manners and i don't see how mutual respect can be regarded as negative parenting.

As above - this is world gone mad and we wonder why we are getting rude teenagers!

[Pipsqueak]

I always tell the children what it was that wasn't acceptable and then I suggest that its would be nice to offer and apology. Its rare that I demand an apology (ok perhaps with my own kids lol) as I feel that sometimes by telling they have to say sorry then it might not mean anything - after all its just a word isn't it. I try to get it across to kids that the 'right thing to do or the nice thing to do' would be to say sorry I didn't mean to do xyz (smack you over the head with the wooden hammer 3 times just to see what sort of noise it would make )

I must admit, I won't say sorry to someone if I am feeling particuarly mutinous - even if I know I am in the wrong and I know that I would be wrong to say it unless I meant it. Sorry (lol) if I am not making sense here. Generally when I have calmed down a bit I do apologise and its heartfelt.

Yes I expect children to treat others as they wish to be treated and manners cost nothing do they.