In a dilema!

[natlou82]

One of my parents has changed their profile on childcare.co.uk, they've put their status as separated and looking for a live in au pair to start next week! I'm really shocked as none of the parents have said anything to me. What would you do in this situation?

[Ripeberry]

Stay quiet and see what happens.

[Mouse]

As they're being open about it on a public site I think it's perfectly reasonable to speak to them, especially when you don't even know if you'll be having the children next week!
I would say you had seen their updated profile on childcare.co.uk, was sorry to hear about the separation and wondered if there was anything you could do to help. I would see where the conversation went, but would definitely want to know what their plans were and whether or not you should expect the children next week. At an appropriate point I'd mention the 4 week notice period, if you have one.

[chris goodyear]

I agree with Mouse.

[natlou82]

I'm uncertain as Dad has put this on whereas I mainly have contact with Mum. I wasn't even aware of any relationship problems, so I would feel uncomfortable raising the issue of separation.

[Mouse]

I guess all you can do then is wait until next week and see if they turn up. Personally I don't like uncertainty, so would have to know - I'm too impatient to just wait!

[natlou82]

I only agreed with Mum last week to do a few days over Easter, whereas Dad wants an au pair to start on the 23rd! (School age TTO).

[natlou82]

I'll have to say something on Monday to Mum as it'll eat away at me otherwise "I notice that Dad is looking at alternative childcare arrangements" "does that mean LO will be leaving soon?" Tbh I will give her the opportunity to open up first. I absolutely adore the LO so I'm very concerned for him x

[FloraDora]

I read into everything, think of a million different scenarios and my best way forward for all of them !
Like Mouse I think this is a big step for this family so I would want to know to stop me thinking of worst possible outcomes!

If it is dad that has put it on: has mum left him/ going to?
He wants an au pair which means he wants a full time carer - because mum won't be there?

If dad is lead organiser of things in house : have they had a big discussion and realised that mum can't carry the weight of being the taker and picker up anymore, it would be easier to have someone in the house to relieve her of this? She could be stressed from having to rush out of work to get to the CM on time? He could be wanting to help her as much as possible but he physically can't relieve in this area?

Are finances an issue? Have they done a financial over view and realised that they need to cut the costs? Though asking for someone next week is a bit tricky unless he doesn't realise they have to give notice ( if you have this in their contract) did just mum sign contract and dad is unaware of it? Though if this is the case the likelyhood would be dad wouldn't put the advert in, it would be mum.

And worst... dad doesn't like something you have done, the fact that you adore his LO, mum and him have been discussing it, big row dad has dictated that they need someone else soon, he always wanted an au pair, they won't give a fig about the LO, jealousy solved.

Mum or dad could be ill or a close family relative and they need someone to support at home in addition to you during the day - that's why they haven't said anything to you as you won't be affected. They need some help with the house too so au pair would be perfect, dress LO, keep her clothes sorted, tidy up, prepare her tea....alleviates the load on them at home.

SEE- it could be anything, contact them or you will worry and mither all day!

[natlou82]

Thank you Flora Dora, yes you are right. A few of these scenarios could easily be what is happening. Thank you for your advice.

[natlou82]

Thanks again, I've spoken to Mum, it's very messy and up in the air atm. She is happy with our arrangements even if they do decide to go their own separate ways. He however has other ideas. I didn't pry any further but will carry on as normal and offer support.

[Simona]

One of my parents has changed their profile on childcare.co.uk, they've put their status as separated and looking for a live in au pair to start next week! I'm really shocked as none of the parents have said anything to me. What would you do in this situation?

I would tell them that you saw the advert...I assume it is public and you would like some feedback.

You and the parents should have a professional relationship that should entail honesty.

If they intend to get an au pair that will give you a chance to fill the place they will vacate ...so you are prepared.
Your business is your first priority...those parents possibly have many priorities but you have stumbled on a piece of info that they made no attempt to hide.

[Mouse]

Thanks again, I've spoken to Mum, it's very messy and up in the air atm. She is happy with our arrangements even if they do decide to go their own separate ways. He however has other ideas. I didn't pry any further but will carry on as normal and offer support.

Well done for speaking to mum.

It sounds as if dad has made a snap decision and could well change his mind once things have calmed down a bit. I think I'd keep in mind that they could leave at a moment's notice, or dad could get funny about things, so I'd carry on as normal, but make sure all fees are kept up to date and they know they have to inform you of any changes.

[natlou82]

Thanks again Mouse, yes I'm definitely on high alert now. I do have a 4 week notice period and think Mum would adhere to it as she is a solicitor herself.

[bunyip]

I agree with most comments here by members. Definitely talk about it - it's out there in public already and you can't ignore what's happening just because it's not nice. A CM doesn't have a right to know everything, but we do have a responsibility to act upon that which we do know.

Be very cautious. I'm assuming both parents have PR and will remain that way for the foreseeable future. It's clear each parent has a different agenda on the subject of childcare, and no doubt in many other things. You must not take sides, even if one side is more favourable from a business point of view. There seems to be a tendency to take mum's side in 99% of these cases, and that temptation will be even stronger if mum wants the children to stay with the CM whilst dad wants a different arrangement. Don't give in to the temptation. In any case, the more you side with mum, the more dad will want the child to leave your setting.

With mum being a solicitor, things could be even harder. Legal types can twist what they like and make us mere mortals believe they're right when they're not. Personally, I'd be giving notice like a shot, but it's not my decision and I don't know the personalities like you do. But don't forget that Motherhood is the strongest force in the Universe (stronger than love, hate or pre-emptive thermo-nuclear strike) and the gloves come off very quickly in separation disputes involving the tinies.

You are a key figure in the child's life, so both parents are quite likely to try and play you as a significant card in their separation disputes. Be aware and be careful. Avoid acting on gender stereotypes and avoid taking sides: even if one side appears 'nicer' and 'friendlier' (even grumpy, unpleasant people have rights, and I should know. )

Don't forget a lot of this has built up and happened without the family bothering to tell you, even though you are important to the child's development. That's not to say you necessarily have a right to know everything, but you have to decide whether that constitutes a breach of trust, and how much longer you can work with the family. Dad has advertised for an au pair. You do need to protect yourself and your business, and I personally would take either parent advertising as giving me leave to advertise too for a replacement.

As long as dad has PR, he has every right to take the mindee from you and hand them over to an au pair. Sure, you can still charge whilst they have a contract, but you need to be aware of this, of the effect on all mindees, and consider if you can work with the family with this possibility hanging over you all.

I personally would get both parents round to mine for discussions about how everyone sees the way forward. This shows you are dealing with both sides equally and fairly, and gives you the platform to say you are putting the children first (and gives ma and pa the chance to say it too). But also make it clear that you have yourself and your other mindees/clients, and your business to consider and protect too. It might be a bit of a reality check for the parents to hear that you're not prepared to be a pawn and be dumped the moment it suits either of them.

[natlou82]

Thank you for your thoughts on this Bunyip. There is a lot to consider on this and I will be thinking my next steps through very carefully. I agree a meeting with both parties would be very wise.