Unsettled Child

[Chanelle]

Hi Everyone.

I'm after a little bit of advise about one of my mindees who I have had for nearly a year.

She is going to be 3 in April. The problem I have is that she has issues with changes in routine. I don't mean that if our regular routine changes I mean in the fact at certain times of the day she becomes upset and cries but the tears are often over very trivial things like putting on her coat and hat, she has to know where her bag is and gets upset at nappy times ... Generally she is very happy and settled during play times, enjoys joining in and playing, taking part in activities and new experiences but its just at times like getting near to pick up times I will say, 5 more minutes play then its time to pick up .... from Pre-school, this is immediately followed by tears and she repeats my hat! my hat or my coat etc ... During these times and during the day I reassure her that Mummy is collecting her as she often says this at these times.

I've tried all the obvious things like trying not to draw too much attention to these change over times, I've tried reassurance, I've tried lots of praise etc .. But to be honest I am at a loss. This little girl has had alot of illnesses like general coughs and colds and always seems to have something wrong with her but never anything bad enough to warrant time off. I have a good connection with this child and she is happy to come and talks about me at weekends and on days she is coming but I have no idea why she is doing it or how to stop the constant tears during the day. What I don't want to happen is for her to become unsettled more.

Its just to the point now where it is starting to irritate me as I know there is nothing wrong but no matter how much reassurance she has nothing helps so I'm hoping someone has some advice or even has had a child like this?

Sorry fir the long post and thank you in advance

Wendy x

[amylouise867]

I can't think of anything more than you already done really....

She's still pretty young so maybe it's just the way she is & the way she copes with changes she doesn't want to happen -

ie - you asking them to tidy away for home time but she's buy having fun.

There really is no way round that as she needs to learn that she has responsibilities too & you all work together to tidy up & it's something that needs to happen etc.

Does she behave the same way at home?

Maybe at home she gets OTT reactions if she cries & ends up getting her own way - could be just learnt behavior.

If you have tried all the reassurance, lots of notice before change happens etc - try (if you are as you say you are certain she's ok) not focusing on her tears, pay her no attention. Praise the other children who are helping & just wait until she settles down before giving her attention.

As for her getting stressed with her hat coat etc can you put them in a place where she can see them maybe, and make sure they're always in the same place.

Good Luck
Amy xxx

[Chanelle]

Thank you Amy,

She doesn't have any problem tidying up as she does this willingly and happily its when I prepare her that its almost time to get ready for pick ups, I've also done this the other way round and not said any thing at all just .. Its time to collect ... now. This doesn't work either .

With her hat coat we have pegs with photos outside the playroom door which is in view all the time too.

She does the same thing at home too. I've been working with her parents to try to get her out of this crying habit ands when we have tried each thing they have both been really supportive and done the same. When we try new things we do them for a good 6-12 week period to give time for it to work.

It's just that as she gets upset my other little girl mindee (18 months) starts to sniffle when she sees her cry and I really don't want her to start to become unsettled too.

Wendy x

[Tealady]

I think you may be right that it may just be a habit.

I've been working with two very unsettled girls. The Older one would start crying at similar points of the day or just randomly start crying again for no apparent reason.

How I managed it in the end was just being matter of fact about it. I know we are supposed to acknowledge childrens feelings and all that but I truly couldn't see any reason why she would get upset at times. In the end I would just say "We are going to do x, y and z now." The tears would then start. I would then tell her that we "are only doing x, y and z so there really isn't any need to cry is there?" I would then tell her to take deep breaths and calm herself down. All said firmly but gently. She would take the breaths and calm down. At first as soon as she stopped she would start again and I would remind her about the deep breathing. It has taken a few weeks and we no longer will have tears. Occasionally she will choke up, but when I ask her what the matter is she will take a few breaths, tell me what ever it is that is bothering her and I will then reassure her again in a matter of fact way that all is OK. We have no more tears (Unless for a more real reason... I'm not that harsh!)

[karen2010]

Same with my 3 year old mindee. When its time for school run she often doesnt want to go. I just say to her - well we cant just leave the other kids at school can we? Wont they get a bit cold? Mostly works but if it doesnt I just crack on with it - the more atttention I give her tears the more she will do it. She is fine once in the car.
Also had her a year and she is an adorable happy child who sometimes doesnt like to be told what to do!!

[Chanelle]

Thank you ladies,

I find that there is nothing I have done so far that has helped. Ive tried the firm voice and reassuring her but this doesn't work. Maybe I need to continue the way I deal with her and pay less attention to the my hat comments and try distraction to see if that helps too. I just need more perseverance I guess lol x

[tigwig]

I did some training a while back on how some children find transitions very difficult and to me it sounds like this may be the case with your mindee. Sometimes with children its not just the drop off from parents that affects them its all the other comings and goings that we have throughout the day too. I think you just need to continue to reassure her and give lots of cues about what is coming next and distraction techniques and hopefully she will realise there's nothing to get upset about.

[smurfette]

There was a thread here a while back about a book called 'the highly sensitive child' it's avail from amazon on kindle and very good., I have mindee like this and this helps me understand her a bit! Some days I am patient and reassuring (which for her nearly makes her worse!) other days I am no this is what's happening end of, and ignore the tears and she soon stops (again not if there is a genuine problem!) I know it's quite wearing!

[Kiddleywinks]

Would a visual timetable help?