Advice about difficut behaviour please

[Helcatt]

I look after a little girl, have done since she was 6 months old, she is now 32 months

She has always been a very difficult child to deal with, in that she is head strong and wants everything her own way. This is beyond the usual ego that goes along with young children.

She has been getting worse with her behaviours. In november, she was destroying other peoples duplo creations or squashing things we made with clay - if she does that to her own stuff, fair enough but not to gleefully destroy other childrens things

She calmed down for a short while leading up to christmas and then she has gradually been getting worse and again, the last week has been awful!

We had a few weeks where she was great on a monday but then went downhill as the week went on, but monday this week

Mum is pg (and too tired and ill to be able to cope with her)and dad is in a new job, ending up working much later than previously, so lots of changes and we have been trying to be aware of this and tolerant. They didn't tell me but they did tell my assistant that they could not keep her under control over the weekend

We had a few days when she wasn't here and it was a different setting. The usual that you expect from the age groups is manageable, frustration, pushing, hitting etc can be dealt with. We give her attention, but its like she needs more and more. She constantly pushes buttons wanting a reaction and you can see that she is really confused when I calmly talk and explain and remove her from the situation . My last resort is time out, we talk, we explain, we guide her away but she doesn't listen.

Sleep has always been a tricky one, she is a child who takes time to settle, chatters to herself in the cot for a while first, has been known to climb out of the cot and pull things of shelves before we can get up the stairs to her, talks at other children to try and wake them up. To the point that someone has to sit watching her until we are sure she is asleep before leaving her - which is insane when we have other children to deal with

Today, she was quiet and I thought going off to sleep. So I left her and was sat in the next room, on my laptop when I smelt poo. She has a habit of doing her poo in her nappy, even though she is clean and dry during the day, so I went through expecting to just change a nappy.(she just has it for nap time) She had both hands in it, it was in her hair, on her top and she was carefully painting the sides of the cot with it.

I had to throw the cot away, there was no way to clean it

In the afternoon, she was snatching and pushing again.When anyone was talking to her, she was clearly ignoring what was being said and carrying on with her own thing

The overly long essay I guess, is to get across that this is not a one off. Its constant, its getting worse, and more an more of our attention is being given to her and less to the other children. We have tried positive reinforcement, we have tried rewarding her with stickers - which she loves and on the two mondays that she was much better, she went home with loads of stickers

I have asked the parents to come in for a meeting. And I am trying to work out how to handle it. I don't want to give notice, I have not given up on a child yet, but at the moment, she is being deliberately destructive and it is having a detrimental effect on the other children. And dealing with her is effecting the way that we deal with the other children, which is unfair on them

Parents are strict on her too, its not like we are coming from different angles

What can I try with her? What can I suggest to parents that we can try together

Please help. I am at the end of my tether.

HX

[LG2014]

Hi,

So sorry to hear you having these issues. It sounds she does I require more info.

Can I just pick out few things - if mum pregnant this can make children retract a little and if mum and dad been telling her she a big girl now baby on way and still being put in cot for nap times it could be tad confusing. Have you thought of trying a ready made air bed for her instead now she big bigger?

If parents feeling it to maybe suggest - with permission - to seek advice from HV/Other childcare provider.

Could she be showing signs of being ready to toilet train now?

Big hugs x

[Helcatt]

Thanks for your thoughts

She is already toilet trained, just has a nappy on for nap time, so that's not an issue

She would not sleep on a bed, can hardly get her to sleep in a cot, even though she needs the sleep. My kids had given up naps by the time they were two but she needs to keep them otherwise her behaviours are even worse. I keep thinking that maybe she is ready to drop the nap, but she just can not cope without

What would you suggest talking to HV about?

We are trying to make allowances because of all the changes going on, she will be a big sister, she has a new bed, her room has changed a lot, Mum can hardly deal with her, Dad not back til late, so all of these are factors, but I just don't know how to deal with her any more. Every strategy I have tried fails to have an impact

[amylouise867]

How about ignoring her negative behaviors - when she attempts to smash something up, even if she succeeds - remove her from the situation and don't talk to her.

She is old enough now to understand that what she is doing is unkind - u have spent weeks already explaining everything to her so she knows what you expect from her and what is not acceptable.

She seems to be enjoying your reactions so simply don't give her any.

Remove her from the situation - avoid eye contact or any sort of interaction what so ever.

Instead focus attention on the children who are doing great things. Then she will look and think hold on a minute I'm not getting attention anymore for behaving like this but they are for being kind and helpful I'm going to do that too.

With you having an assistant it should be a little easier - one of u remove her from the situation while the other goes out their way to focus in and praise the other children all so she can hear.
"Ohhh wow Joey that is such a great painting you are doing"
"Eva you are sharing so nicely what a good girl well done"
"That's a big tower you are building Tommy, you can build bigger towers than me!"
"Sophie you are such a kind friend I think I'm going to have to get my special stickers out for you"

One of u can watch her insuring she is safe but pretend to sit reading a book for example. Although one of you is watching her don't let her know that.

Do this for a few minutes before allowing her back in to join the group.

If she attempts to be crafty and starts asking for the toilet etc just ignore it - you're only going to do this for a few moments & chances are she's only saying these things to get the reaction and attention.

I had a child who did this within a school setting, was an absolute nightmare - tried everything!

We had a behavior team come in to asses and support.

Ignoring the negative behaviors removing her from dangerous or negative situations she was attempting to cause worked absolute wonders. It brought out a totally different caring, thoughtful child that I had never seen before.

Try and make a note of all her 'episodes'
Day it happens
Time it happens
What happens
What you did
How she reacted to your 'telling off'
What she was like when she rejoined the group

Keep a record of this - then sit and review in a couple of weeks and see if there is any patterns?
See if you can put a finger on any possible triggers.

If mom and dad are struggling with behaviors too maybe you could suggest sharing the template with them and them filling it in for home too.

If in the future she needs to be assessed for anything or you need any support from a health visitor - the records are there for them to have a look at.

Hope that's helpful and makes sense.

Good luck - hope it all works out! It seems you are very strong and supportive and it's great you are not giving up and have already arranged to meet with parents. Let us know how things go!

xx

[amylouise867]

Some more points to consider

A reward scheme.
- could be for all children or for her individually.
*what does she like?
*Can you theme her reward chart to something she likes?
*What can you offer as a reward?

Give her lots of encouragement and thumbs up when she is doing the right thing and really make a big deal of it.

Use stickers - maybe you could make them their own sticker booklet (A4 card - on the front have child's name and their fav character/tv program? Inside have squares where they can place their stickers in.)

xxx

[merry]

I would strongly suggest to parents that they see their health visitor and push for more professional help, children can suffer mental health problems just as adults do and her worsening behaviour sounds like she is crying out for help. I can only imagine it will get worse when a new baby comes along so the sooner you can get help for her the better.

[Helcatt]

Thanks for your thoughts

We are going to try what Amylouise suggested and take it from there. I am sorting a date with parents, so that I can talk through properly that plan and we'll try to look at triggers - is there a particular child its aimed at etc etc

And review after two weeks

I think I am particularly mindful of this as we are due our Ofsted inspection and when the child goes in to one, will they think we can't cope

Last night I wanted to give notice but I have never given up on a child yet and really don't want to give up on one that I like (when she is on good form)

Hx

[amylouise867]

That's great keep us posted on how you all get on!

Hope it all works out for you all xx