Sensitive advice needed please

**benandjerrys** · 13-01-2014, 02:46 PM

I mind a girl who is 4 next month along with her baby sister. The girls have 2 teenage sisters and live with mum. Mum is my friend and I have known them all a very long time. I have no safeguarding concerns atall. The problem
M is the four year old. She is very very affectionate. She will hug me lots through the day. She has tried to hug my partner. She has tried to hug older boys at my setting. Today she has tried to hug and climb all over my 14 year old son and he has pushed her away. I have tried explaining several times that we only hug people in our own family as this is the only thing I can think to say. I think part of it stems from very limited contact with others outside the family unit as mum has no family. I,
M thinking she may think that you treat everyone as you do with your own immediate family. I have discussed this previously with mum. How do I go about dealing with this?

**FussyElmo** · 13-01-2014, 02:53 PM

Arr bless.

Is there a reason you don't want her hugging people. Do the others not like it?

**shortstuff** · 13-01-2014, 02:54 PM

thats a very tough one. Have you tried suggesting that your ds doesnt hug girls?

**benandjerrys** · 13-01-2014, 03:01 PM

Its not the fact that she's affectionate it's the level if it and it does seem to make other children (older ones) uncomfortable.

**kellib** · 13-01-2014, 03:05 PM

I would just keep it simple and say that so and so doesn't want a hug right now and distract her with something else. Don't think a big deal needs to be made.

**watford wizz** · 13-01-2014, 05:35 PM

What about a cuddle cushion or soft toy specifically for when she needs/wants to cuddle some children just need more cuddles than others. You could encourage her to cuddle you at more appropriate times, sometimes they need a cuddle to know they are excepted or for confidence.

**benandjerrys** · 13-01-2014, 05:38 PM

That's a good idea, she is a very sensitive child but quite extrovert at the same time.

**blue bear** · 13-01-2014, 05:44 PM

I"d be more inclined to teach the others how to avoid getting into theosition where she is snuggling in. Like moving when she zones in, asking her to go get you etc.

I looked after a girl very much like this at scouts (cubs) she was very innocent loved cuddles had no idea it made some people feel uncomfortable but she did work out those who felt uncomfortable, it just took some work and consistency.

**mrs owl** · 13-01-2014, 05:57 PM

Originally Posted by emmalita

I mind a girl who is 4 next month along with her baby sister. The girls have 2 teenage sisters and live with mum. Mum is my friend and I have known them all a very long time. I have no safeguarding concerns atall. The problem
M is the four year old. She is very very affectionate. She will hug me lots through the day. She has tried to hug my partner. She has tried to hug older boys at my setting. Today she has tried to hug and climb all over my 14 year old son and he has pushed her away. I have tried explaining several times that we only hug people in our own family as this is the only thing I can think to say. I think part of it stems from very limited contact with others outside the family unit as mum has no family. I,
M thinking she may think that you treat everyone as you do with your own immediate family. I have discussed this previously with mum. How do I go about dealing with this?

I think it must be a northern thing but we all hug each other around these parts! But seriously if you are concerned I think that you should say ' hugging is lovely but not everyone likes it all the time' perhaps you could say 'hug when you first arrive and then big hugs when it's home time'

The children that I care for do hug my husband who is also my assistant and he's fine with it, but everyone is different! My DS probably wouldn't have appreciated being hugged in those circumstances either and if he's pushed her away she'll probably get the message anyway.

Like adults some of the children want lots if hugs, some hardly ever so I tend to go with the flow! Hope this helps x

**Bluebell** · 13-01-2014, 09:00 PM

There's a book called 'your body belongs to you' it explains that sometimes we don't want to be hugged or touched, even by those we love, and its ok to say no - might help her understand that sometimes other people don't want to be hugged and its not anything personal to her that might upset her.

While you have no concerns about the family with safeguarding issues are you sure there are no other extended family members or close friends that may be a concern? - the mum may not realise that this kind of over-affection and inappropriate behaviour may be a cause for concern.
Having said that some children are just very cuddly!

**benandjerrys** · 13-01-2014, 11:49 PM

Thanks for the advice, definitely some good points to think about. I will have a look at the book mentioned.

**yummyripples** · 14-01-2014, 01:03 PM

I think sometimes the over hugging and over friendliness comes from a desire to be liked. I would have thought that if it was a safeguarding issue she would be less likely to want a hug.

**skatie** · 14-01-2014, 01:43 PM

I understand what you mean as I look after a 3.5 year old who likes to hug everyone which is fine and lovely when appropriate. It's not fine and lovely when she stands between the poor guitarists legs at toddler group and he looks so awkward he could die or when she hugs the thighs of my brigadier general father in law when she has only just met him that day. It's the over familiarity that I really don't like. She is always in the other children's faces trying to kiss and cuddle them and wonders why the littlest smacks her in the face, no idea of personal space. I don't want to change who she is but I have been encouraging her to ask the person if she can cuddle them first and to accept that some people might say no. Mum doesn't see it as a safeguarding issue, she thinks it's cute.

**mama2three** · 14-01-2014, 02:33 PM

Years ago I had to speak to a parent of a playgroup child who was always hugging the other children , to the point that they couldn't get on and play. Mum struggled to understand how it was an issue as she saw it as cute too.

**benandjerrys** · 14-01-2014, 02:41 PM

I also don't want to change who she is but it's the over familiarity that can create awkwardness. I worry that I sometimes think the way my kids are is the way all kids should be. We all bring our kids up differently and that needs to be respected. My own little girls would not hug people they know VERY well but I must realise all kids are different. Her own baby sister tries to shoo her away as she finds it too much aswell.

**Bluebell** · 14-01-2014, 07:18 PM

Originally Posted by yummyripples

I think sometimes the over hugging and over friendliness comes from a desire to be liked. I would have thought that if it was a safeguarding issue she would be less likely to want a hug.

The safeguarding awareness course lists (within signs of abuse) indiscriminate affection or seeking physical comfort from strangers as something that could be a possible sign of abuse. In the older age group (5-10) it can be demonstrated as inappropriate attachment to carers.
It doesn't mean it is - some children are cuddly and she is obviously very cuddly and very close to the OP's family, but it is something that we should all be aware of because perhaps there are inappropriate behaviours going on somewhere else that a child doesn't even realise is wrong. There are other types of abuse such as neglect and emotional abuse that may prompt seeking affection and reassurance elsewhere.

In general we may know a family really very well and not have concerns but is it up to us to make that judgement? or should we pass on behaviour that may cause concern? we may not know the full situation and however well we know a family we don't know that perhaps a 'trusted friend' of the family or neighbour babysits every Saturday night or that gran has a new boyfriend, or anyone that comes in contact with a child who actually is not that trustworthy IYSWIM.