Feeling useless

[Leela]

we look after a little boy now aged 2.4 months very intelligent but very spoilt and he has constant meltdowns eg if he can't have someone else's toys, if he trips, if he can't have a biscuit, a bottle or his own way. This morning we worked really hard with him, had discussions, re explained rules - no bottles or biscuits in Isabel's house- anyway by the afternoon he was lovely and then mum came to pick him up. He wanted a tennis ball another child was playing and went into meltdown, she said to other child 'can T have the ball when you have finished' I explained to mum that we had been working all day to teach T not to have melt downs or to demand others toys. She said 'he is allowed a melt down when he sees me' I said 'look he isn't even crying just yelling' another mum was there picking up her child she just cringed and I was so embarrassed. I sent T's mum an email saying that we are redirecting T rather than asking other children to give up their toys ( and there were several tennis balls laying around!). Last week the children had stickers on, when his mum came T decided he wanted B's stickers, guess what! mum took stickers of B and gave to T. I was speechless but also feel like I am a coward and not being assertive enough with this mum. Today I feel so angry with her and that she is undoing the work that we do with her child.

[Nicola Carlyle]

Omg............. She took the stickers off another child to give to her own???? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! I wouldn't care what she does outside of your setting but this is absolutely NOT ON! I'd have to say something along the lines of "I don't think so. Please could you give them back to the child! Your child has stickers. If they are not happy with them I'm sorry but it is just totally unacceptable to remove them from another child just because your child wants them."

I'm shocked really that any parent would do that. Unfortunately she must love the meltdown when she see her child otherwise she wound be trying to disscourage it. x

[miffy]

Sounds like mum just gives in for an easy life and T knows a meltdown gets him what he wants!

Has mum replied to your email? I think you will have to be as firm with her as you are being with T - taking stickers off another child to give to her son is not on you can't have mum undermining you in your own home. If she won't agree to your rules for T then have her wait outside until you can hand T over.

Miffy xx

[madredann]

I would have him at the door ready to hand over that way there is no interaction between other children and the parent and the child-its like a triangle lol but it sounds like you are doing fab work so keep strong x

[Leela]

I feel even more desperate now. She has replied in respect of what he ate today and potty training update etc but has totally ignored the behavioural issues discussed in email. This mum ignores any 'negative feedback'. I think I will have child ready and waiting at the door from now on. I will email again and tell her that I will be doing this to avoid meltdowns at pick up time. I also did the two year progress check which shows that in aspects of PSE he is lagging behind. She agreed with this and also agreed that we needed to work together. She is definitely the cause of meltdowns and behaviour, it's also not fair on the other children I look after is it?

[sing-low]

You are not useless! You are working very hard to undo the poor parenting and it is not your fault if Mum can't see that this is ultimately to her son's benefit. I completely understand about not saying anything about the stickers. I probably would have done the same! Firstly because I would have been astonished that an adult would behave like this and secondly because I would not have wanted a confrontation. But it is completely unacceptable behaviour. I agree with others - hand child over at the door. Do not allow Mum to come into your house and undermine you.

[Kiddleywinks]

If I was you, I would be calling mum in for a meeting to discuss her son's behaviour and HERS!

For your hard work to pay off, you both need to be on the same page, and sounds like mum absolutely isn't nor has any intentions of being, and this needs to be addressed ASAP.
Your rules are for everyone that come to you, parents included, how dare she undermine you in your own home!
Until you have had chance to sit down face to face with mum, I would also be having LO ready to leave so as soon as she knocks, without the need for mum to come in.

[KatieFS]

Naughty mummy!!!!

You need to agree ground rules with mum, how you're dealing with his behaviour, how she deals with it. Think of a strategy of how this child asks to share. He can't just have it, he needs to ask and wait for his turn. That's life after all!

The meltdowns.. How can they be a positive thing? Seriously!!!!

[SYLVIA]

Agre with having child ready to hand over and not let mum into the house. If she questions this, I'd take the opportunity to say that you're not prepared to put up with her behaviour towards the other children as it is not a good example when you spend all your time teaching children to share

[Leela]

I feel even more desperate now. She has replied in respect of what he ate today and potty training update etc but has totally ignored the behavioural issues discussed in email. This mum ignores any 'negative feedback'. I think I will have child ready and waiting at the door from now on. I will email again and tell her that I will be doing this to avoid meltdowns at pick up time. I also did the two year progress check which shows that in aspects of PSE he is lagging behind. She agreed with this and also agreed that we needed to work together. She is definitely the cause of meltdowns and behaviour, it's also not fair on the other children I look after is it?

[hannahemilie]

Aw I feel for you. This was how my boy started. I finally gave notice as it just got worse. He was totally spoilt at home and parents just ignored me. I only had him 2 days a week but any good work i did just got undone. I feel so much better now I know it's coming to an end. You have to do what's right for you, but in my experience parents like this don't get any better. Hugs

[Koala]

I feel even more desperate now. She has replied in respect of what he ate today and potty training update etc but has totally ignored the behavioural issues discussed in email. This mum ignores any 'negative feedback'. I think I will have child ready and waiting at the door from now on. I will email again and tell her that I will be doing this to avoid meltdowns at pick up time. I also did the two year progress check which shows that in aspects of PSE he is lagging behind. She agreed with this and also agreed that we needed to work together. She is definitely the cause of meltdowns and behaviour, it's also not fair on the other children I look after is it?

OMG, I've got one just the same - Thank you for sharing.

[Ripeberry]

Some parents just can't think of what they are doing. Sometimes you just wish you could video it, just like in the TV show 'Super Nanny' just to show them what they are doing wrong. If they can see it from another point of view it might just 'click'.
Hope the child who got the stickers pinched off him wasn't upset about it

[Leela]

Aw I feel for you. This was how my boy started. I finally gave notice as it just got worse. He was totally spoilt at home and parents just ignored me. I only had him 2 days a week but any good work i did just got undone. I feel so much better now I know it's coming to an end. You have to do what's right for you, but in my experience parents like this don't get any better. Hugs

I have this little boy for two days as well and as you say progress we make is undone by the parents. Mum was pretty subdued this morning saying that she thinks he is going through a phrase, but this phrase has been going on a long time. Little boy is cooperating this morning but mum was reluctant to leave him this morning, she kept saying 'I know I should go but I can't leave him crying, I know other mums do' . The thing is he was clinging to her but not crying. she left and he was fine but she is extending the morning torment for everyone. There was a good article in Teach Nursery about mums who won't leave.

[Leela]

Thank you everyone for your support. I have taken all suggestions and advice on board and putting a plan in place. This job can be hard and I do spend sleepless nights worrying about children and families and impact on my family. I gave up a pressurised and very stressful profession to do this because I thought it would be EASY! Haha, out of the frying pan.

[Dent]

Hi I'm not a childminder yet so may be talking a load of rubbish but my previous job was helping schools and parents deal with difficult behaviour. And yes the parents are usually the cause of the behaviour.

Anyway how about putting together a behaviour management plan and getting parents to sign, this is what I used to do. Stating what the problem behaviour is and what the triggers are and then how you are going to deal with the behaviour in your home (e.g when the behaviour is shown I will use a distraction technique and give praise for alternative behaviour) and what your expectations are of the parents whilst in your home e.g whilst in my home I request that parents support my technique, to assists in a smooth quick handover to avoid a situation that causes the behaviour. Give to parents to read and sign or have meeting to explain and arrange a review date in a couple of weeks time
Stress the importance of their agreement and support
Good luck

[kellyskidz!]

Wait, WHAT?!?????
She took stickers off another child in your care to give to her own son?
I'm sorry but what the hell! What was she thinking? I'm not saying you are useless but you definitely should have said something to her then! She's taking the mess out of you from the sounds and trying to use your setting as an extension of their home, where her son is worshipped and given in to.
They think their child will like them more or be better behaved if they give them everything LOL, wake up, that is never the case and they'll come to learn it when they have a child who doesn't respect anything, including them.
I'd have them in for a meeting and make it crystal clear that their son has rules to follow in your home and if he doesn't, see you later.
You say she ignores negative comments about her son, don't let her ignore them. Tell her your problems and ask for her feedback and say you all need to be working together on his behaviour.
You sound like you're doing a great job with her son, and they're turning your steps forward into steps backwards at home and that's only going to confuse the poor boy!
Time to get tough before you end up as a doormat, or with a child who is impossible to deal with!
Good luck xxx

[emma04]

I would have him at the door ready to hand over that way there is no interaction between other children and the parent and the child-its like a triangle lol but it sounds like you are doing fab work so keep strong x

I would do the same and always have done!

I cannot abide children that show off and create when parents hover!!!

So lo's are suited and booted with rucksacks and bags in hand ready to be handed over! I briefly handover any significant info or ask them to call me later, everything else is written in their daily diary! My relationship with parents is still good and I think they appreciate the quick turn around to be honest.

What a stupid and vile mother! Poor child. I would have exploded if she had done that in my house!
Some parents have a lot to answer for!!!!

[jackie 7]

How dare she take stickers from another child. Hand over at door and say to mum that as she liked melt downs she can have one but NOT on your property.

[Kirstylob]

I think Dent's advice is very good. Have a meeting with mum and work out a plan of action that you both agree to stick to. You say that she has said that she realises that you need to work together,well nows her chance.
Good luck x