do I tell them or not

**mushpea** · 13-01-2013, 05:19 PM

I have had a 4.5yrold for the last 2.5yrs, they are moving home so are now leaving me, I have had a 4yrold for the last 3.5yrs who comes on the same days, they have been best buddies and are really going to miss each other although I think both sets of parents will keep in touch, I was going to get the children to make a leavning card for her tomoro to help them all understand she wont be comming anymore as shes not here but the other one is and her last day is thursday this week. I was speaking to a couple of other minders who reckon I shouldnt tell the other children, they say its nothing to do with them who comes and goes and that they will just get over it which seems wrong to me. parents of the child whose leaving havent told her yet and have no intention of doing so and really thats up to them as they have to deal with the consequences of this but i wanted the others to be able to say goodbye and understand.
so which is best, saying somthing and making the card to help them understand their friend is leaving or just letting it happen and not say anything.

**QualityCare** · 13-01-2013, 06:50 PM

As the parents of the child who is leaving haven't told her yet it would be very difficult to tell the other child and expect her not to say anything to the other child, could you do a theme about moving house, changing schools and not seeing friends again, and then incorporate a craft session on making good bye cards for a friend which you could then give to the parent of the child is leaving to give at a suitable time. If you are giving a card give it at the same time.

**FussyElmo** · 13-01-2013, 06:53 PM

Its hard as you want to mark the fact that her friends want to say goodbye but if the lo doesnt know she is leaving and you give her a goodbye card it will probably be very upsetting/confusing for her.

**LauraS** · 13-01-2013, 07:12 PM

I think the idea of a general leaving theme is the best you could do but, even then, it seems to fly in the face.of what her parents have asked.

I wonder why they haven't.told her? A 4.5 year old probably knows a good amount about what is going on, they watch and listen more than some adults realise. Handled well it could be a wonderful, positive, exciting transition for her. If ignored, it could be quite scary :s

Perhaps you could make cards for her with the other children once she has.left and post them to her. I think it would still help the 4yo to understand that she has.moved and.won't be coming back, and an actual goodbye is less.important.

**Rick** · 13-01-2013, 07:12 PM

Very difficult, I think the parents should back you up as you should be able to be honest with the children. But you should also respect the parents wishes. Maybe ask again if they will see your point of view

**crazysally** · 13-01-2013, 07:53 PM

I think honesty is always the best policy, but totally agree that the parents need to inform the child first. Maybe another chat with the parents to explain why.

**mushpea** · 13-01-2013, 08:08 PM

Originally Posted by LauraS

I think the idea of a general leaving theme is the best you could do but, even then, it seems to fly in the face.of what her parents have asked.

I wonder why they haven't.told her? A 4.5 year old probably knows a good amount about what is going on, they watch and listen more than some adults realise. Handled well it could be a wonderful, positive, exciting transition for her. If ignored, it could be quite scary :s

Perhaps you could make cards for her with the other children once she has.left and post them to her. I think it would still help the 4yo to understand that she has.moved and.won't be coming back, and an actual goodbye is less.important.

its not that they are keeping it from her as such just they havent told her and when I approached this with mum she said she has told A that she wont be with B afterh this week but thats it, she then looked a bit sheepish when I asked if she had told her she wouldnt be coming to me anymore and just said she will leave that up to me to tell her but I personally feel thats a cop out by the parents and its not my place to tell her either, trouble is the parents of the other child know when she's leaving as we have all spoke at drop off times and they are all for explaing to B as he's a child who needs things told to him before they happen and he's very sensitive.
prehaps I will do the cards to help B then tell him I will give them to her on her last day so we musnt tell her till then, then I can give the cards to mum on the last day as her last day is on a day when B wont be here.