Would you put up with this?

**melco** · 13-09-2012, 08:48 PM

Hi,

I look after a lo whose mum I find talks to me like I have never looked after children before.

She tells me what time to change his nappy and seems to give me a lecture when she drops him off about making sure he wears his coat etc. He has a cold and has only been with me a week and she is blaming it on the germs in my houser when no one else has a cold!!

Then when she picks him up at 6.30pm which is what time I finish she sees he is tired and then in the middle of my floor makes him up a bottle to help him go to sleep so ends up being at mine for another 10-15 minutes!

He is 14months so shouldn't be having a bottle anyway and she tries to make me give him a bottle when he is with me but thats only 2.30pm-6.30pm and he doesn't need it. I also have 2 children of my own so want that as soon as 6.30pm comes for all the minded children to be gone so I can spend time with my own kids before they go to bed.

They live 5 minutes down the road so how can I polite tell her to leave or should I just put up with it?

Thanks

melco

**Ripeberry** · 13-09-2012, 08:59 PM

Is it her first child? If yes then she has no reason to be telling you all of this. You may have more experience of raising kids than she has. Sounds like she wants to be in control of everything.
As for the bottle thing, just tell her straight that 6.30pm is the end of your working day and you would rather not have her feeding the child in your home. You could comprimise and feed the child just before she arrives?

**rickysmiths** · 13-09-2012, 09:11 PM

Originally Posted by melco

Hi,

I look after a lo whose mum I find talks to me like I have never looked after children before.

She tells me what time to change his nappy and seems to give me a lecture when she drops him off about making sure he wears his coat etc. He has a cold and has only been with me a week and she is blaming it on the germs in my houser when no one else has a cold!!

Then when she picks him up at 6.30pm which is what time I finish she sees he is tired and then in the middle of my floor makes him up a bottle to help him go to sleep so ends up being at mine for another 10-15 minutes!

He is 14months so shouldn't be having a bottle anyway and she tries to make me give him a bottle when he is with me but thats only 2.30pm-6.30pm and he doesn't need it. I also have 2 children of my own so want that as soon as 6.30pm comes for all the minded children to be gone so I can spend time with my own kids before they go to bed.

They live 5 minutes down the road so how can I polite tell her to leave or should I just put up with it?

Thanks

melco

My children at that age would have had drink of milk in a four hour period. My daughter was still only taking milk out of a bottle at 14 mths, she drank water out of a spouted cup. My son never had a bottle went from breast to a spouted cup.

It is not really for you to say the child doesn't need a bottle in a four hour time span. Some may, some may not and if it is what this child normally has then you should give it to him. My children still drink milk to this day and they are 18 and 20! They have always been great milk drinkers and when they were 2 and 4 we went through 24 pints of milk a week.

I have mindees at the moment all under 3 and 4 of the 5 of them drink at least 3 x 8oz of milk in a 8-9hr day when with me and they have water as well.

No I would not let the mum make up a bottle at 6.30. As it is last pick up I would have him and bag ready and hand over at the door, the parent would not be allowed into my house. Quick hand over chat and bye bye shut the door.

**The Juggler** · 13-09-2012, 09:12 PM

ok, you can only give advice re: bottles - doesn't sound like she's going to listen though. BUT you can tell her it's not on to come in and make bottles and feed them at end of day - your day is long enough.

I'd invite her in for a cuppa one night and whilst she is feeding her LO a bottle, tell her you know he is tired at end of day - it is late for him - but LO needs to get home, you are sure she wants to get home and you are already finishing late and need to get your children sorted. Persuade her it would be better for her to get him home and ready for bed and then bottle before bed.

Maybe offer to get a bottle ready for her to take with her and feed to LO at home.

Then I would maybe in a few weeks tell her you "came across" some interesting articles which you copied for her - re: moving from bottles to cups of milk and effect on speech etc, etc.

good luck xx

**melco** · 13-09-2012, 09:22 PM

Originally Posted by rickysmiths

My children at that age would have had drink of milk in a four hour period. My daughter was still only taking milk out of a bottle at 14 mths, she drank water out of a spouted cup. My son never had a bottle went from breast to a spouted cup.

It is not really for you to say the child doesn't need a bottle in a four hour time span. Some may, some may not and if it is what this child normally has then you should give it to him. My children still drink milk to this day and they are 18 and 20! They have always been great milk drinkers and when they were 2 and 4 we went through 24 pints of milk a week.

I have mindees at the moment all under 3 and 4 of the 5 of them drink at least 3 x 8oz of milk in a 8-9hr day when with me and they have water as well.

No I would not let the mum make up a bottle at 6.30. As it is last pick up I would have him and bag ready and hand over at the door, the parent would not be allowed into my house. Quick hand over chat and bye bye shut the door.

Its not that I have a problem with him having bottles but he is dropped of at 2.30pm, we go on school run, we get back have a snack, have a play before dinner, have dinner and then he goes home so I don't have the time and also she asks me to give it to him if he gets tired which he only does when its home time.

When he gets grumpy which is generally when he is tired she gives him a bottle.

I would not think it was such a problem if it was cows milk as I give that as an option for a drink but she is still giving him powdered milk and its not follow on milk either.

**rickysmiths** · 13-09-2012, 09:29 PM

Originally Posted by melco

Its not that I have a problem with him having bottles but he is dropped of at 2.30pm, we go on school run, we get back have a snack, have a play before dinner, have dinner and then he goes home so I don't have the time and also she asks me to give it to him if he gets tired which he only does when its home time.

When he gets grumpy which is generally when he is tired she gives him a bottle.

I would not think it was such a problem if it was cows milk as I give that as an option for a drink but she is still giving him powdered milk and its not follow on milk either.

Maybe she could or you could get the ready made cartons of formula? Maybe instead of her giving him the bottle then you could give it to him 6-6.15 so she doesn't need to and he won't be quite so grumpy. It is difficult at that age because 6.30 is late and she must realise that he will be tired and a bit grumpy.

**miffy** · 14-09-2012, 07:12 AM

Originally Posted by The Juggler

ok, you can only give advice re: bottles - doesn't sound like she's going to listen though. BUT you can tell her it's not on to come in and make bottles and feed them at end of day - your day is long enough.

I'd invite her in for a cuppa one night and whilst she is feeding her LO a bottle, tell her you know he is tired at end of day - it is late for him - but LO needs to get home, you are sure she wants to get home and you are already finishing late and need to get your children sorted. Persuade her it would be better for her to get him home and ready for bed and then bottle before bed.

Maybe offer to get a bottle ready for her to take with her and feed to LO at home.

Then I would maybe in a few weeks tell her you "came across" some interesting articles which you copied for her - re: moving from bottles to cups of milk and effect on speech etc, etc.

good luck xx

Good advice from Juggler.

Miffy xx

**christine e** · 14-09-2012, 07:53 AM

Originally Posted by rickysmiths

Maybe she could or you could get the ready made cartons of formula? Maybe instead of her giving him the bottle then you could give it to him 6-6.15 so she doesn't need to and he won't be quite so grumpy. It is difficult at that age because 6.30 is late and she must realise that he will be tired and a bit grumpy.

Agree with above you give a bottle about 6 - 6.15 and have him ready to go at 6.30pm

**VeggieSausage** · 14-09-2012, 08:04 AM

I wouldn't be doing a bottle for him at 6ish personally I think she could do that at home. I would have lo ready when she comes to the door pass them over and do quick chat and off and if she keeps doing what she is doing I would say, sorry hope you don't mind me saying but I am finished work now and need to spend some time with my children before bed and would appreciate it if she did the bottle at home.....this would be a big no no for me, 6.30 finish is late enough without extra on top!

**bunyip** · 14-09-2012, 08:15 AM

Perhaps she's struggling to cope. Not in the 'seriously at risk' way, but just finding some aspects of parenting a bit difficult. Sounds like she's still giving bottles of formula primarily as a soother rather than as just a feed: a coping strategy when, as you say, lo is grumpy. I've known parents do this as a 'quick fix' then find it hard to stop.

Dictating nappy change times is patently nonsense. Nappies need changing when they need changing. Strikes me this indicates that she's trying to be controlling, and often that's done by people who feel otherwise out of control.

I agree that her making up a bottle at collection time is out of order. Collection time should be about spending a few minutes sharing the lo's day and any 'business' issues as required.

If I can be a wee bit critical, I hope you won't take it the wrong way (I seem to be getting chewed off on this forum recently simply for failing to agree with posts

).

Personally, if I wanted my hands free of mindees at 6.30pm, then I'd have to make sure my last pick-up was earlier than that. I'd want to allow at least a little time for handover, sharing, getting 'bump' forms signed, etc. I'm aware that others disagree and want children off the premises pretty much 'on the dot'.

Also, please don't take this personally, but I think you know that only you can decide whether to "politely tell her... or put up with it". Truth is, parents (like children) will get away with whatever we let them get away with. OTOH it has become increasingly difficult to tell people something, face-to-face, adult-to-adult, if they don't want to hear it. That's because people these days strangely seem to see any difference of views as confrontational and personally offensive (I blame 'soap opera morality' or perhaps I'm just an old fart who sees the past with rose-tinted specs

.) I think all you can do is to tell her, politely and in an adult way, what your expectations are, then be prepared to listen. If she kicks off, or you find the arrangement is becoming unworkable, then at least you know you've done all you can.

Good luck, and I hope it all works out.

**Maza** · 14-09-2012, 08:32 AM

Could it be possible that she is doing it to hint/get at you for not giving him milk earlier? My 14 month old mindee has a late afternoon bottle and couldn't do without it yet. He holds it himself (obviously I am right there keeping an eye on him) and so it doesn't impact my day at all, not that I would mind if it did. What did you decide regarding routine when you signed contracts? You do need to have a friendly discussion on this one asap before it really festers for you both. Maybe mum thinks he is too thirsty to wait until he gets home - perhaps you could reassure her that he does have water throughout the day. I think once you get the milk issue sorted she might start trusting you a bit more and stop the lecturing! Good luck. x

**caz3007** · 14-09-2012, 09:02 AM

I am wondering if he falls asleep on the way home and then she pops him into bed. At 14 months all 3 of mine had a bottle of milk before bed, I dont see the harm in it to be honest. But if he isnt asleep on the way home, cant see why it cant wait.

I think you need to sit down with her and have a chat about how you can make it easier for both of you. Would suggest you have a bottle ready for her to give and they leave and LO has the bottle in pushchair/car seat, should be big enough to hold himself

**blue bear** · 16-09-2012, 07:17 AM

Sit down with mum and explain why you need to finish prompt, come to some sort of compromise over the bottle, does she want you to feed before whe arrives, does she want you to have bottle ready and mum take it with her?
It's all about give and take, you are not winder woman and need to see to your family, explain it to her mother to mother, obviously she struggles a bit bit being a mummy, let her see you do to, there's no harm being honest.

**melco** · 16-09-2012, 08:23 AM

Hi,

I spoke to her on Friday and said about giving him a bottle at 6.15pm so he is all sorted and ready to go when she arrives. She was happy with this but also said she was not sure he would take a bottle from me as only takes it from her!! Which is funny as she has asked me to give him a bottle before.

Then she said that he gets thirsty after dinner and its always for milk. I told her that he is offered water by me while he is in my care, he has water with his snack and at dinner also. But I am happy to give bottle before home time.

Anyway so Friday I gave him a bottle at 6.15pm and he was happy for me to do it and drank the lot

she was very surprised but also pleased that he feels comfortable with me to feed him.

Also I have found since the week has progressed the los mum is becoming calmer when dropping him off and is not so demanding she just lets me get on with it now. Hopefully as she can see he is fine, happy, clean, dry and well fed when she arrives that things will be ok from now on.

Someone did mention about me changing the time I close and in hindsight I would not have said my finish time is 6.30pm as I am not getting to sit down until late due to sorting my family out but I will lose 3 customers if I do this. I will carry on and hope that like they say things can only get better!!

Thanks for your advice

melco

**The Juggler** · 16-09-2012, 08:33 AM

well done hon. sounds like it was not so much about milk as worrying about little one being happy with you. obviously as you passed the giving milk "test" she feels he is very comfortable with you

so hopefully she will get a little more chilled as the weeks go on.

**Roseolivia** · 16-09-2012, 08:33 AM

Glad things got sorted out with this parent. My ds is 2 in a couple of months and he still has cows milk in a bottle before bed and when he wakes on a morning. By 6pm he starts to ask for his milk. I've tried to get him off the bottle but it's his only comfort thing so let him have it. I'm going to take it away at Christmas time though and give him a cup.

**caz3007** · 16-09-2012, 09:31 AM

Glad you have found a solution that both of you are happy with. Her demands in the beginning as to coats, changing ect were just probably cos its hard to hand your precious bundle over to someone you dont really know that well.

Hope you now have a long and happy relationship with the family