What to tell DD?

[Tealady]

I recently found a small lump in my abdomen which a MRI has shown that is not a fatty lump or cyst and in my GP's words "needs to come out"

I have a specialist appointment on Monday to find out more. At this point it looks like I will have an op, and we are hoping that will be that, however until it's all been done and analysed I can't help but think that possibly I'll need further treatment.

Anyway, my DD is 6.5 and quite mature for her age. Hubby and I have discussed what we will tell her and we were going to be honest and say that Mummy has a small lump in her tummy that the doctors want to take out. If she asks why? we were going to say it's because it makes me uncomfortable. Then if I need further treatment we were going to say that I need to have medicine to make sure it doesn't come back.

However, before all this, we lost a close family friend to cancer earlier this year and DD wanted to know why he was ill and then why he died so we did explain that sometimes lumps can make you poorly and they can grow and spread and stop your body working so well.

My Mum and sister reckon that we shouldn't be so open with her, especially as she has some understanding of such illnesses. I have back problems from time to time so they suggested telling her I'm having an op to sort that out. They feel she is too little to handle such news, especially as my Dad was diagnosed with Leukaemia when we were 10 & 12 my sister went a little nuts.
I'm not comfortable with this as what do we then tell her if I do get ill / need treatment. My Mum says "cross that bridge when you get to it... they will offer you help with that one"

I don't want to upset or stress my little girl. The thought of that breaks my heart but equally she's a bright bunny and needs to be told something.

What do you guys think? I'd appriciate some opinions of people with experience of children as none of my close friends have any.

[miffy]

She is your daughter and you know her best of anyone. If you and hubby have discussed it and think that telling her the truth is the best way then I would go with your instincts - that way you can answer any questions she has and support her through any fears.

Sending you my best wishes for a speedy recovery

Miffy xx

[karens knippers]

I agree. You know your daughter best. My son is 4 and already he knows alot about illness and death after losing several close family and friends.We have been open and honest with him and let him ask questions.We answer them so he understands but not so he worries. We find he is more confident about what happens in the world and not frightened to approach us on the subject. Hope all goes well for you and to you all xxx

[Bridey]

I would listen to your mum. Mums are very wise, especially when they talk from experience. As she says, if you do become ill or require further treatment then you will get help and counselling on how to tell your daughter.

I really hope it doesn't come to that and wish you all the best xx

Edit: I didn't mean lie - I don't like that bit - but being sparing with the details, avoiding mentions of lumps and not talking about what could be next before you know yourself is something I would do.

[caz3007]

I am a firm believer in telling the truth in a way a child can understand. Having seen the other side of the coin and several children having the truth hidden from them, not just about death and then finding it extremely hard when things went wrong.

Do what you and hubby feels is best, but dont lie. Perhaps not mention lumps at this point, just an operation on your tummy.

I do hope it turns out good and nothing to worry about

[Mouse]

What a worrying time for you all.

I have to say, I wouldn't give my child too many details at that age. You say she has an understanding of illness because of friends & family suffering, but it is completely different for them when it's their own mum who is facing possible ill health. No matter how mature she is for her age she is going to worry about you being ill. There's a difference between them knowing about an illness affecting someone else, and experiencing it within their own family. If it turns out to be nothing, she could have been stressed and worried for nothing.

I wouldn't worry her at this stage when you don't yet know what you are facing. She is bound to have questions, which you couldn't answer, as you don't know the answers yet. I would take it a step at a time. Tell her you're having an operation, but don't talk about lumps etc. Hopefully that'll be the end of it, but if it does turn out that you need more treatment, talk about it with her then.

[funemnx]

I don't have any experience of this but just want to send love and best wishes - it's clear what a great mummy you are and whatever you tell her will be the right thing for her ((( ))) xxx

[The Juggler]

oh hon, I'm not sure what is best. As little info as possible at this stage but see how things go. I wish you all the best and hope that it is nothing to worry about

[Twinkles]

I would avoid the word 'lump' as she associates it with cancer and associates cancer with death.

I would say ' Mummy has a poorly tummy and the doctors are going to try to make it better'.



And another thing , if it is cancer and be honest that is what you are worrying it is , it is not an automatic death sentence.

I had cancer in 2010. I had a major operation and chemo. I am fit and healthy now and feel better than I have done in years.

Please feel free to pm me and we can chat when you are ready. X

[Tealady]

Thanks for all your advice and kind words.

We will just go down the "Mummy has a poorly tummy" route rather than the back thing or mentioning the word lump.

Twinkles... good to hear you are well again (and thanks for PM). Most days I am quite positive. MIL had a huge lump removed. It was cancer but needed no further treament and was fine. Equally, when we have told a few close friends many know somebody who have had things removed and been fine. However, I do get the odd black moment, But also I worry about being out of action, and the logistics of everything.

Oh well, we will find out more on Monday. Keeping everything crossed.

[Bridey]

We'll all be thinking of you and wishing you well x

[WibbleWobble]

sending big hugs and lots of love

mandy xxxxxxx

[Lilylulu]

please try not to worry about it too much, just tell her briefly and honestly but spare as many details as you can. I would never lie to my kids, even to protect them, but just buffer her from anything that doesn't need to be said.
Take good care of yourself and think positive, hopefully its just a scare, we will all be rooting for you xx

[Hayley102]

She is your daughter and you know her best of anyone. If you and hubby have discussed it and think that telling her the truth is the best way then I would go with your instincts - that way you can answer any questions she has and support her through any fears.

Sending you my best wishes for a speedy recovery

Miffy xx

That's just what I was going to say. Hope it all goes well for you.

[francinejayne]

I think what you have decided is for the best. Just to let you know I had a lump from my tummy removed 2 years ago - we didn't know what it was, it turned out to be endometriosis. It was a worrying time waiting for the diagnosis though.

Good luck on Monday xxx