How do you tell a prospective parent you don't want to look after their child?

**pinkbutterfly** · 26-04-2012, 02:58 PM

I can't say I am full by the way.
She's been nit picking ... she said I charge more than other minders and tried to get the price down. She said she wants me to be the only carer for the child (I co-mind with my husband) I explained the flexibility the co-minder gives is an advantage. She wants me to keep some days open for her at no charge which I said it's fine but she has to pay more a higher hourly charge for that reason. She wants the settling in period clause removed from the contract (i.e.she or I can cancel the contract with immediate notice within the first month) ... she wants it to change that only she can do it or remove it altogether. I know she complained to Ofsted about previous childminder (she was quite open about it) and that she had a string of au pairs before some of whom run away.
I need money badly but this stinks. I don't really want to ignore her calls or say anything rude. I just don't want to work with somebody like that. The child is lovely by the way.

**Tealady** · 26-04-2012, 03:03 PM

Either say "due to a change in personal circumstances", as it is no business of hers what they are. Or be diplomatically honest and say that as much as you would love to look after their little girl and feel she would be happy on your setting, you feel you both have quite differing opinions of how the business relationship should work, therefore you have decided not to take things further and wish her all the best in finding the right CM for her.

**rosebud** · 26-04-2012, 03:05 PM

I'm a coward so would say your circumstances have changed and you are not able to take any additonal work on at the moment, if she asks why imply it is personal and you would rather not talk about it. Your circumstances can always change again in the future so you can take more work on.

If you really don't want to do this just politely tell her you feel that you don't think it would make a good working relationship, I definitely couldn't do this and would be worried about the fallout afterwards.

**Bridey** · 26-04-2012, 03:06 PM

I would tell her that I am sorry but I would not be prepared to sign a contract under the terms she is requesting. You have told her exactly how you operate, it she doesn't find that acceptable then she has to find another minder because you will not be changing how you work for her.

To be honest, from what you said, I wouldn't work for her. I really wouldn't.

**AliceK** · 26-04-2012, 03:16 PM

Originally Posted by Bridey

I would tell her that I am sorry but I would not be prepared to sign a contract under the terms she is requesting. You have told her exactly how you operate, it she doesn't find that acceptable then she has to find another minder because you will not be changing how you work for her.

To be honest, from what you said, I wouldn't work for her. I really wouldn't.

I would do the same but then I can be quite firm and blunt and to the point in a business like way of course.
Don't touch her with a barge pole she sounds like she would be impossible to work with. Nightmare

xxxx

**rickysmiths** · 26-04-2012, 04:02 PM

Originally Posted by Bridey

I would tell her that I am sorry but I would not be prepared to sign a contract under the terms she is requesting. You have told her exactly how you operate, it she doesn't find that acceptable then she has to find another minder because you will not be changing how you work for her.

To be honest, from what you said, I wouldn't work for her. I really wouldn't.

I have to agree. No parent dictates the terms of my contract. No way would I agree that she could terminate in the first month and I could not.

To be honest I would give her a ring and just be honest and say you are very sorry but after careful consideration you have decided that you wouldn't be able to work with her and so you are afraid that you will not be able to offer her a place.

Don't feel bad just think what this woman tried to get YOU to sign up to with everything in her favour. I wouldn't touch her with her record and demands.

**flowerpots** · 26-04-2012, 04:33 PM

[QUOTE=Tealady;1090777]Either say "due to a change in personal circumstances", as it is no business of hers what they are. Or be diplomatically honest and say that as much as you would love to look after their little girl and feel she would be happy on your setting, you feel you both have quite differing opinions of how the business relationship should work, therefore you have decided not to take things further and wish her all the best in finding the right CM for her.[/QUOTE]

I'd do this, try to be honest.

**lollipop kid** · 26-04-2012, 05:23 PM

Hi, was thinking about this for you. If you use NCMA contracts, you could say that the NCMA legal team have advised you that the changes she has requested would invalidate the contract, so you can't progress, sorry, even though you feel your setting could work well for her child. Then wish her well in her search for a new Childminder.

Good luck!

**Bridey** · 26-04-2012, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by lollipop kid

Hi, was thinking about this for you. If you use NCMA contracts, you could say that the NCMA legal team have advised you that the changes she has requested would invalidate the contract, so you can't progress, sorry, even though you feel your setting could work well for her child. Then wish her well in her search for a new Childminder.

Good luck!

I don't think its a good idea to lie. What if she asks another minder about this and gets told its a load of rubbish? Your best bet (in this and life in general) is to tell the truth or just give as little information as possible

onceinabluemoon · 26-04-2012, 05:42 PM

Originally Posted by Tealady

Either say "due to a change in personal circumstances", as it is no business of hers what they are. Or be diplomatically honest and say that as much as you would love to look after their little girl and feel she would be happy on your setting, you feel you both have quite differing opinions of how the business relationship should work, therefore you have decided not to take things further and wish her all the best in finding the right CM for her.

I like this idea, Its polite and to the point without being horrible to anybody.

**boxtree7** · 26-04-2012, 05:51 PM

Wow ........... I am sure the mum would not be considering anyone's feeling if she had to terminate the contract. I have never the heard the likes.

BucksCM · 26-04-2012, 06:34 PM

Originally Posted by Bridey

I would tell her that I am sorry but I would not be prepared to sign a contract under the terms she is requesting. You have told her exactly how you operate, it she doesn't find that acceptable then she has to find another minder because you will not be changing how you work for her.

To be honest, from what you said, I wouldn't work for her. I really wouldn't.

Yep...Bridey has it in a nut shell as usual!!

**Chimps Childminding** · 26-04-2012, 07:00 PM

I'm with Bridey!! Its your business, your contract, your rules!!! She can either accept them and you look after the child, or she can go elsewhere and see if she can bully someone else into getting her own way

Personally I wouldn't touch her!!

**lollipop kid** · 27-04-2012, 08:17 AM

Originally Posted by lollipop kid

Hi, was thinking about this for you. If you use NCMA contracts, you could say that the NCMA legal team have advised you that the changes she has requested would invalidate the contract, so you can't progress, sorry, even though you feel your setting could work well for her child. Then wish her well in her search for a new Childminder.

Good luck!

Bridey - I offered the above suggestion in good faith, as I've actually been told something similar by the NCMA legal team when I wanted to insert a clause into their contract. First I was told the whole contract would be invalidated, and after challenging this, I was told the bit I was inserting would be invalid as it might affect a clause elsewhere in the contract, so their advice to me was to leave it alone. You're right, though, I should have suggested that the lady call them first to see what they said about the requested amendment, as she may have been told the same as I was. (I was very surprised that the NCMA effectively wanted to dictate the terms of my contract, as I thought theirs was a guide, but hey, that's my issue.)

I didn't mean to give the impression I was encouraging anyone to 'lie', as I agree that honesty is the best policy, so I apologise for the misunderstanding.

**Bridey** · 27-04-2012, 08:40 AM

Originally Posted by lollipop kid

Bridey - I offered the above suggestion in good faith, as I've actually been told something similar by the NCMA legal team when I wanted to insert a clause into their contract. First I was told the whole contract would be invalidated, and after challenging this, I was told the bit I was inserting would be invalid as it might affect a clause elsewhere in the contract, so their advice to me was to leave it alone. You're right, though, I should have suggested that the lady call them first to see what they said about the requested amendment, as she may have been told the same as I was. (I was very surprised that the NCMA effectively wanted to dictate the terms of my contract, as I thought theirs was a guide, but hey, that's my issue.)

I didn't mean to give the impression I was encouraging anyone to 'lie', as I agree that honesty is the best policy, so I apologise for the misunderstanding.

I'm really surprised. I honestly thought you had just come up with it as a suggestion and, like yourself, am quite taken aback that the NCMA wanted to effectively dictate the terms of your contract!

(Another reason to add to the list why I don't use them LOL)

Please don't apologise. I do have a habit of talking very plainly and didn't mean to cause you to feel bad. I was just a bit concerned about this particular parent, I wouldn't have put it past her to check on anything she is told and cause trouble if things are not to her satisfaction.

**lollipop kid** · 27-04-2012, 09:00 AM

Thanks Bridey. Appreciate it. I've been with the NCMA now for three years, and I've always struggled with their legal team any time I've needed their help. I'd just had a situation where a parent left after three months (they moved) and as I hadn't used any holiday in that time, I charged some retrospectively - 1 week for each 3 months worked, which I'd told the parent up front that I would do (as I tell any parent), so they were fine. As it wasn't in the NCMA contract, I called them to ask if I could add this going forwards, and this is what they said no to. Apparently, we're not entitled to any holiday that we actually haven't taken during the contract, which floored me! I also pointed out that they don't have a bit in the contract for contract length, leaving it open to parents not to tell you they only want a short-term contract, so you can't plan and could potentially lose out on longer-term children, then be left high and dry. So they expect us to take a hit at the end of a short contract too. For this reason, I've now decided to go with Morton Michel so I can use my own contract, which is based on one my own childminder from 10 years ago used, so I'm not exactly reinventing the wheel. The clause they objected to was: "If a mindee leaves part way through the year, remaining holiday to be paid proportionally, calculated as one week for every 3 months worked" (for 4 weeks leave), which I thought was fairly standard.

Going back to the original poster, hope all gets resolved. Sometimes I think childminding is such a minefield - then I look at the kids' faces, and listen to their new words, and remember why I'm doing it, so I just keep going with crossed fingers.

**uf353432** · 27-04-2012, 10:01 AM

when I have a child/parent visit I observe the child in my setting to check they 'fit' but more than that I am checking the parents to ensure I can have a proper business relationship with them. I think going into a meeting with the view that you are interviewing the parent is a healthy perspective since any problems you encounter with the child will only be resolved with the parents full support. On the basis of what you have said I would suggest that this parent is not right for your setting, and I question whether she could stipulate her terms in that manner to a nursery. She appears to have a history of childcare where she dictates the terms, and the relationships don't appear to be productive, long lasting or meaningful. Even if you were able to iron out these kinks - I don't know that she sounds that she would be terribly supportive if any problems with the child arose - and if it ended badly I wouldn't put it past her to be making your life difficult afterwards.

I do agree though that honesty is the best way to go, say that you have very clear business terms that have worked time and again. That you are not comfortable with the changes that she is trying to make to the terms, and therefore you don't feel that you can work together. But that you wish her well in finding alternative care.

Don't feel for one moment guilty for her feelings on this one - its clear as day that she has shown little regard for your feelings.

onceinabluemoon · 27-04-2012, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by boxtree7

Wow ........... I am sure the mum would not be considering anyone's feeling if she had to terminate the contract. I have never the heard the likes.

I think we are advising that the OP plays the subtle card because the parent has already complained to ofsted about another minder. No sense in courting trouble when it can be avoided is there?

**Babycat** · 27-04-2012, 03:07 PM

A parent cant complain about this. What I'd do is stick this in an incident report as you are worried it may go forward when you refuse.

Tell her the truth her daughter seems lovely and would fit your setting but you are not comfortable changing your business terms as all your families are under the same rules etc so that no-one sees it as discriminating etc.

Just be to point no fuzziness nothing that can make her angry or sit going 'personal circumstances hmmm'

Im not good at direct but I have found this and honesty has got me by so far x

**primula** · 27-04-2012, 04:08 PM

Try to tell her that it is important to you that you have a good relationship with the parents and you dont feel in this case that you will see eye to eye on some issues, therefore you do not think that in everyones interested you should go ahead with the placement. As we all know commuication with parents is key when looking after children! good luck and deep breath!!