My own child is finding it hard to cope now that I am a childminder

Has anyone else got any experience with challenging behaviour from their own early years aged child due to you childminding? My daughter is 3 and she is very jealous of the children I look after and her behaviour is very challenging, to the point some days I worry I've made the wrong career choice and should just give up as it's making her so miserable.

I've been minding 5 months now so not very long. She is aggressive and unkind to the children and I've tried so many different ways of dealing with it but nothing seems to help. I broke down about it tonight on the phone to my mum and she suggested it must be fairly common. I really could do with some advice on this if anyone can help. Thanks.

Big hug, I think it is quite common as suddenly your children have to share not only their home and their toys but their mum too. AND their mum seems to be more interested in these other children.

I don't really have any advice as I was a nanny before childminding and ds came with me and then the children came to us, and I had dd whilst already a childminder! So my children don't know any difference! ( and in fact, when we moved and I didn't work for a few months ... They missed having children around! )

I have always made a distinction between MY toys that everyone shares and my children's toys that they keep in their bedrooms and don't have to share ( although if they wanted them downstairs during the day then they had to be available to share ) also, even though I have my whole house available for minding in, I don't allow mindees in my children's bedrooms. ( when my children were younger, I sometimes used their rooms for travel cots but I don't now as I can put travel cots downstairs )
When I am working I try not to distinguish been my child and a minded child ... who ever needs me at a certain point gets my attention! I then try at evenings/weekends to spend time doing things with my children and not getting caught up in paperwork etc! ( 12 yrs later I am still guilty of getting caught up in paperwork! And saying 'in a minute' to my children! )

Do you work full time? Can you arrange things so that you have some time just for you two to do something special?

Xx

Thank you loocyloo I appreciate your reply. I work 4 days a week, keeping Fridays as a day just for me and her. We have the same arrangement with toys in my house, so my kids tend to keep their special toys upstairs.

How is best to deal with her behaviour as it's happening? It is pretty constant so i can neither ignore it nor have the ability to spend all my time focussed on her. Putting her in time out and her room constantly doesn't make for a very nice atmosphere for the other children, her or myself!

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Originally Posted by bigfuntime

Thank you loocyloo I appreciate your reply. I work 4 days a week, keeping Fridays as a day just for me and her. We have the same arrangement with toys in my house, so my kids tend to keep their special toys upstairs.

How is best to deal with her behaviour as it's happening? It is pretty constant so i can neither ignore it nor have the ability to spend all my time focussed on her. Putting her in time out and her room constantly doesn't make for a very nice atmosphere for the other children, her or myself!

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:-) glad you have time for you both.

I think she is just telling you she isn't happy about the situation! (sorry, that's not much help!) Have you tried talking to her? Depending on her maturity she might be able to tell you what makes her unhappy. ( I had a 3 1/2 yr mindee who became vile at home when older sibling started school. Finally mum got her to explain that she really missed sibling and wanted to go to school too and thought she was behaving like a 'big' girl! )

Does she respond to star charts , stickers etc?
I know it's really hard but if she can do a helpful job for you ( even if it's holding the babywipes when you need them, looking after that very special pen/book/paper for you etc ) and then focus focus focus on the positive and try very hard to ignore the negative.
(If stickers work I would try giving one every 10 minutes of 'being helpful, kind, etc ' and if not able to give one, don't make a fuss, just look for the next opportunity to give a sticker. I like to plaster the child in stickers as it is more immediate than putting them on a bit of paper (to start with!)

Xxx

My DS was 5 when I started minding and he didn't seem at all bothered by it in fact he liked having constant playmates around! My first DD was 13 months and we had two similar age children join and she has grown up with them and they are all now in reception together. My second DD was born on a Friday and we carried on minding on the following Wednesday - so she has known no different (she's now 11 months).

I do find my older daughter is annoyed by the minding sometimes as she always has to make sure she doesn't leave toys down and I have to say no to things she wants to do because the minded children are here etc. But on a whole she is glad of the other children, although as she has grown up she now gets very annoyed with anyone younger than about 3 because 'they do not play as she does' and 'spoil' games and 'take toys'. So that becomes difficult when she is constantly telling younger ones to go away and the older ones moan that xx is spoiling the game etc. I manage this by having 2 separate play areas and setting up different activities 'age and stage' appropriate when this occurs and make sure you have somewhere the older ones can go to play their games when they want to. Obviously there are activities that they can all do together.

Are the children you currently mind younger than your daughter? if they are younger you can play on the you can help mummy to look after them thing - help the younger ones put on coats, find things, pass mummy wipes etc. if they are the same age then it may just be she needs to get used to the new situation - it's no different from a new sibling which they do not get used to quickly! Get them all involved in group activities or things they can do sitting together but are doing their own thing - if she is not nice to the others remove her from the activity and sit her in view so that she can see things are continuing without her - then bring her back after a few minutes - get her to say sorry to child etc. And just keep repeating this, and reassuring her that your still mummy and you love her etc. Ensure there is time each day where you can have special time with her with no interruptions and you are focused on her.

I hired DS as my assistant. He passes me wipes, lays the table and does other silly tasks that I could very easily do myself but it helps him feel different to the Mindees. We signed a contract for £3 per week. Which he used negotiating skills to get a pay rise to £5 per week.

He still has days where he likes to lay on his bed after school and read a book but that is fine as he does need his own space too. I should point out that he was almost 6 when I started and is now 8 1/2.

I love your idea of employing your own child, I have done the same with my 8.5 year old son but haven't made a contract up. Can I ask what's in the contract so I can do the same please? X

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Originally Posted by Emmalou77

I love your idea of employing your own child, I have done the same with my 8.5 year old son but haven't made a contract up. Can I ask what's in the contract so I can do the same please? X

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I cant remember if im honest. I think it was just a couple of sentences saying he would help when asked and in return i would pay him every week.

It's working really well as he actually saves the money snd has even bought himself a galaxy tablet.

love this idea - my 9 year old son wanted to know if he could earn money somehow around the house ;)

Great idea! Might try the assistant idea at Easter as have a few days with my kids and mindees too