angry with the school

My ds6 has had issues going into school since starting in reception (now yr2).

We make sure we arrive at school at 8.40 (school doesn't start til 9) he then goes and gets into his line and waits for the bell to ring. He is always the 1st there and when his friends arrive they go off and play. My ds will not move from the line!

We started doing this half way through reception year when we realised he would happily go into school if he has been stood in line for about 15mins before the bell rings, maybe he uses that time to mentally prepare himself, he will often just stand and stare at the school.

On the last day before summer hols he came out saying his teacher had said that from this year he wasn't allowed to be 1st anymore. I asked him what he meant and he just shrugged and went off to play so I didn't think much of it.

This morning We get to school, he lines up. His teacher marches out of the class room and tells him he's not to line up yet and needs to go and play and isn't to be at the front when the bell goes.
He came running over to me in hysterics and refused to go into school.

It took 3 teachers to peel him off me and take him into the classroom.
It has taken me nearly 2 years to perfect our routine so he goes in with no fuss.
I small comment from his teacher has very likely put us back to square 1 where he screams and clings to me every morning.

I am so angry. She is ringing me at lunch time to discuss things. Need to calm down a bit before then.

That's crazy poor thing has got used to his little routine and it works for him. What does it matter of he lines up early? I don't get why the school are making a big issue about it xx

I fully understand where you are coming from and offer hugs.

My DS is the same it took us to walk round and wave at his classroom window for him to be able to get on with his day. He has now gone into juniors so for about 6 months we have been preparing him that we wouldn't be able to do that in Juniors so would start not waving then to help him.

Well all I need to say is there is a child in his class which is known as being very physical with children that decided to put his hand on DS's throat on Friday to strangle him! Needless to say all of my hard work has now been wiped out and he cried going in again!! It wouldn't have been so bad had the school even mentioned it to me but I didn't find out till mid morning Saturday so then had the rest of the weekend to try to boost him up again, which obviously wasn't long enough for him.

Some teachers really just don't 'get' anxiety and think it's something a child can control.

My DD suffers badly with anxiety (although we have made huge improvements lately) and has always had certain routines to help her get into school. Sometimes it was going in early and sitting in the office before lessons started, sometimes it was going in late so she could go straight to her class room. We would find something that worked for her, then stick to it for a while.

Unfortunately, there would always be one teacher who thought that because she was 'managing' it meant she was 'cured' and should no longer need her routines. They just didn't understand that she was managing becase of the routines and that they were vital to her well-being. They'd say "she came in happily yesterday, so why can't she do it today?"

It is a constant battle with some teachers, so I hope you manage to explain to your son's teacher that this routine is necessary to him.

Do you think some petty parents have complained about him being first every day? I know that certain parents at our school can be like that.

Hope the school come to their senses about it!

Your poor son. I hope you calm enough to polite but firm and totally get your point across. Good luck and let us know how you get on. Xx

How rude. How would she feel if her boss 'marched out' first thing in he morning and told her off for being the first one to arrive?! What a rubbish start to he day. My DD is similar so I also know how you feel, and like someone else said, some teachers just 'don't get it, but one who does can make a real difference. My DD went in to school happily, without looking back for he first time last week and I was honestly walking on sunshine all weekend. Parents who have not experienced this type of anxiety could never understand the immense relief you feel when it does finally happen.

It sounds like she has got a bee in her bonnet over it. Was it the same teacher who told him last term that he wasn't to be first in line? If there really is an issue (can't think what it could be) then she should have still spoken nicely to him or worked with you to overcome it. I hope your DS is okay and that you get your point across. x

This is madness, we have hoards of kids truanting and your son get told off for wanting to go into school!! I'd be speaking to a senior member of staff and getting your sons routine written up so he's supported with what he needs x x

I am sorry to hear of your upset.

It sounds as if the teacher has really got the wrong end of the stick and it's not about being first for your little one. It's more about the routine and as you say mentally preparing himself.

All children want to be first in line - does he insist on being first in line throughout the day? Is this causing upsets and arguments amongst him and his peers or is this just first thing where he likes to be first.

Maybe you could suggest to the teacher that she creates a special job of a capital letter (first in line) and full stop (end of the line) and request that to help your childs anxiety that he is capital letter for the first couple of weeks and for all children to understand this. Maybe they could display these special jobs in a poster in the classroom. Do they have support staff? Maybe they could help him prepare and understand as his role of first on line is coming to an end?

Do they do nurture at your son's school? Would he benefit from talking to a mentor about his feelings about coming to school etc.

I really do feel your hurt and upset. It's a difficult time as it is, without your son going to school upset. I hope that once you have spoken to the teacher she understands more about your son and helps his anxiety as he adjusts to a new teacher, classroom and routine.

As suggested I would take it further if the class teacher doesn't seem to understand and insists on her initial remarks.

Your first port of call should always be the class teacher. It will help build your bond and respect for one another if you can work things out together.

I wish you and your little man all the best x

How did you get on?

I went in for a meeting with her before school today. She said all she had said to him was "you've got ages yet, no need to line up go and play".

She said that he's so happy during the day, has plenty of friends and is doing well with his work so hasn't ever had any reasons to be concerned about him.

She's going to be watching him closely for the rest of the week and we're going to have another meeting on Monday to talk about it more.

I had masses of problems getting my son to school (he is now 35) and he still gets stressed doing some things. It had had such a profound effect on him, more than we realised I think that he has missed a lot of time off work due to stress and has also self-harmed. He is believe it or not a primary school teacher now and some of his problems were caused in later life by bullying members of the teaching staff at some schools he worked in, so some teachers just don't pick on children.
He has moved from primary teaching at the moment to working in referral units where children with difficulties go when they can't cope with school, home life etc. He seems to have found his niche as he understands so much the heartache some of these children are/have been going through.

I understand totally what you are going through, it used to break my heart some mornings having to leave him at school, home tutoring wasn't an option then, but I would certainly have looked into it if it had been.

Teacake2