Do parents over praise children?

[Simona]

Listen to this with Tanya Byron and Michael Rosen

BBC Radio 4 - Radio 4 in Four, Do parents over-praise their children?

[bunyip]

Some do; some don't.

On the one hand, we have the current fashion for praising everything whether it deserves praise or not. (I blame Mr S0dding Tumble, not to mention a good number of EY 'professional' trainers on behaviour management courses: "good clapping" - "good waving" - "good breathing" - where oh where does it end?) This is setting an entire generation up for a fall when they enter the real world and don't get praised by their bosses, etc. for doing no more than they're expected to do. Or can I look forward to being accused of harassment and bullying in a few years if I don't give the checkout person a sticker for selling me my Steradent "nicely"? Presumably, well-behaved teenagers will have it worst: being kept awake on Friday nights by grinning police(wo)men knocking on their doors to thank them for not smashing up bus shelters.

On the other hand, there's the sort of excessive expectations - and I'm going to risk suggesting these are made worse by many childcare 'professionals', political agendas, and developmental tick-lists - that get heaped on children instead of letting the poor little blighters have their childhood back.

The latter is exemplified by a mum I heard in a pub last weekend, reprimanding her DD (10yo at most by my estimate) for low scores in some or other school test. Mum quite seriously told the poor child, "I was embarrassed." Am I missing the connection? What on doG's Earth has a sweet 10yo's spelling test score got to do with mum's emotional response to her status amongst the cabal of yummy playground mummies?

I think much of this stems from a basis crisis in parenting and society. People know they want children, but don't really know what they want them for. Some, particularly middle-class parents get very aspirational for their children. But they don't do it for their children's sake or in their children's interests. It's as if the child is merely a projection of the parent: a shop-window or advertisement for the parent's parenting skills, achievements, even the parent's worth as a good and proper human and member of society.

I think this, in turn, is a result of us all becoming so "nice" and "respectful" and "undiscriminating". It is entirely unfashionable to judge, criticise or (dare I say) risk offending anybody. Everybody's lifestyle and values are equal, valued and - most importantly - above criticism. So (apart from one's choice of football team) the only thing people have left to judge, criticise and compete on is the way their children perform.


(In my view.)

[cookiesncream]

Praise where praise is due. I could wallpaper the house with th certificates and stickers my kids bring home. Over praising or more likely over rewarding in infants school has had a bad effect on my youngest now in year 3, where they get less of this. She cant be bothered to learn her spellings, because "you dont get anything for getting them all right!"

[moggy]

Absolutely- an interesting read on the subject: Punished By Rewards

[loocyloo]

:-) My dd is in yr 5 and the other day gave me a pile of 'certificates' she had got so far this term for participating in school gym and athletics competitions, for being a play leader, for 100%spellings and tables and more! She herself says they don't mean anything and isn't interested in keeping them!
I can see that some children ( and parents ) need the 'visible' recognition but I do think it goes too far!

[Simona]

Absolutely- an interesting read on the subject: Punished By Rewards

I think that maybe a good read...thanks for the link

[clareelizabeth1]

I think the over praising thing started to happen when I was at school. When I started we got certificates at the end of the year for consistent goodness by the time I got to year 6 it was every half term. Now I've been out of school for 10 years I can only imagine how bad it's got.

Interestingly I have my own boy who does get praise but only when it's due. He gets it for say completing a hard puzzle but as for putting on shoes well he is just expected to do that when asked no fuss. But a mindie the same age I have who used to put shoes on when asked started at nursery and now suddenly doesn't do anything without several words or praise before during and after each action. It's madness but he has gone from being a capable 2 1/2 year old to being able to do less than a 12 month old. Drives me nuts now if he doesn't get constant praise he just sits there and then starts telling you "I'm special" which is the nurseries key praise phrase.

[ziggy]

an amusing story:

my daughter (now 25) fell out with her best friend at school in year 2. She came home saying "I'm never speaking to that Amy again, she tried to tell me she is the most beautiful girl in the world and I told her she cant be because I am"

It was at this point I realised I had over done it a bit by telling her she was the most beautiful girl in the world

[loocyloo]

:-) :-) :-)

When I worked in nursery a particular little girl sat on the bench watching 2 children putting their boots on, discussing what they were going to do outside and said "my mummy says I'm a perfect little princess and I don't have to do anything I don't want to"
Another small girl looked at her witheringly and said "if you were a perfect princess you wouldn't need to tell us" and another small boy said "we don't want you to play anyway"
I had to turn away so they didn't see me laugh! 'princess' was dumbstruck!

[TFIFriday]

Listen to this with Tanya Byron and Michael Rosen

BBC Radio 4 - Radio 4 in Four, Do parents over-praise their children?

Hi I am new to this and this is my first post. Years ago we were heading on a family hol to Blackpool - hotel booked, theme park booked etc - we were 80 miles into our journey there (another 80 to go) and our car broke down, needed a new engine - so basically needed scraped. We had to abandon holiday and get 3 trains home. God love my girls 4 and 6 at the time, they never complained and it was the first time they had saw me cry. I will always remember my aunty (who has 5 grown up kids) say to me "well the children need to learn disappointment" I had never looked at that as a parent before then, as I would tend to fix anything or make things better all the time, but from that moment on I understood that kids need to learn that not everything is Rosie! And I have to say my girls have become better for that

[smurfette]

:-) :-) :-) When I worked in nursery a particular little girl sat on the bench watching 2 children putting their boots on, discussing what they were going to do outside and said "my mummy says I'm a perfect little princess and I don't have to do anything I don't want to" Another small girl looked at her witheringly and said "if you were a perfect princess you wouldn't need to tell us" and another small boy said "we don't want you to play anyway" I had to turn away so they didn't see me laugh! 'princess' was dumbstruck!

Lol that took her down a peg or two!

Ziggy I don't have that problem as I have three girls so have resorted to 'you are the best (insert name) in the world! Or my favourite (name) etc

All well and good Til they meet another with the same name (unusual enough names though) but they are 9,11 and 13 now so hope past fighting about it!

[bunyip]

:-) :-) :-)

When I worked in nursery a particular little girl sat on the bench watching 2 children putting their boots on, discussing what they were going to do outside and said "my mummy says I'm a perfect little princess and I don't have to do anything I don't want to"
Another small girl looked at her witheringly and said "if you were a perfect princess you wouldn't need to tell us" and another small boy said "we don't want you to play anyway"
I had to turn away so they didn't see me laugh! 'princess' was dumbstruck!

Any chance I could borrow those two?