please don't do that...please come here...PLEASE be good!

**Helen Dempster** · 27-01-2010, 04:38 PM

Ok, now I've got tons and tons of patience and it takes a heck of a lot to get me riled, but my own 3yo ds is being...shall we say, challenging at the moment, and all I seem to do is SHOUT at him. I always try so hard not to shout, and I never shout at mindees...so why, oh why do I shout at my own son?

My question is...how do you all go about NOT shouting, and keeping calm, even when on a very tight schedule to get out the door, to the school in time, but lo is running around, not doing as told, not putting coat/gloves/shoes on, hiding.....you know there score!??

**ajs** · 27-01-2010, 04:46 PM

no hlep at all sorry i shouted at mine loads

funny though the mindees don't wind me up as much as my own did

**nannymcflea** · 27-01-2010, 04:51 PM

Can you make it into a game..who can be the first to....find their coat, put their shoes on, put their hat on.

If he is older by a long way could you get him to help find the others coats etc and pass them to you, so concentrating him a bit more?

Alternatively strap him in the pushchair until you have the others ready then he can get out and you have the hands free to sort him...he may not like this idea though, so perhaps the last warning if he won't listen?

I'd also start gtting ready 10 mins earlier too.

**little miss chatterbox** · 27-01-2010, 04:55 PM

that's because the emotional attachment is not there with your mindees as it is with your own children! I'm afraid I have no advice as I'm exactly the same as calm as anything with mindees and then lose my rag with my own children!

**littletreasures** · 27-01-2010, 05:03 PM

You and me both.

One mindee I have had since he was 3 1/2 months old. He is now almost 4. His behaviour has been really challenging over the last 4/5 months, at home and here.

Mum told me last week he was acting up as she was trying to get him dressed. She said "stop mucking about, nobody finds you funny". He turned round and said "My daddy does!!!". and that is it exactly, Daddy is far to easy on him and thinks everything he does is cute and funny.

I try not to raise my voice at the kids, and generally don't need to, but I he is really getting me down and I can see myself shouting at him before the week's out.

Sorry, not much help really

**madasahatter** · 27-01-2010, 05:23 PM

I do the face LOL!
If children don't listen to me I crouch down at their level and put my hands either side of their arms, holding them gently and speak calmly, but firmly directly to them.
I do sometimes raise my voice (not really a shout) but it tends to be with the much older ones. When I was pretty new to childminding I bought a book called Discipline without shouting or spanking (please feel free to do a link that benefits the forum Pauline). It was ok and gave me some ideas but is quite american IYSWIM and whilst it says for preschoolers, many of the discipline issues are ones that you find in primary school children.

**sweets** · 27-01-2010, 05:39 PM

i have to admit that i did raise my voice at a 4year old mindee today

i asked him nicely not to swing on my wicker chairs, i said they are not strong enough and you might bang your head on the windowsill. i didnt think it was an unreasonable request!

he then called me a stupid young lady and a dirt brain

he was promptly put on a chair and wasnt allowed to watch the large family, which is his favourite program.

mum was horrified when i told her

He has an older sister that is picking up playground talk which were we assume his names came from!

**Graham** · 27-01-2010, 10:04 PM

Originally Posted by madasahatter

When I was pretty new to childminding I bought a book called Discipline without shouting or spanking (please feel free to do a link that benefits the forum Pauline).

Thanks for that I have changed the link to benefit the forum and also put it in the forum shop.

**Blackhorse** · 27-01-2010, 10:14 PM

I have shouted at my dd in the past too. Not very often but sometimes it happens. to me anyways.
I was quite upset about it and spoke to my mum that night. she said to me that she doesnt think it does them any harm if ONCE IN A WHILE you get to the end of your tether and actually shout at them. Not that she says shouting is good but that children realise that their behaviour can affect other people and they have a hard time dealing with it too. that made sense to me and made me feel a bit better.

I shouted at a mindee once but I was panicked. she dashed off without warning towards a busy road. I think it was more the surprise and the worry more than shouting because I was angry or anything like that. I told mum about it and she fully understood.

I try and go down to their level and talk to them as well directly ...and I will change the tone of my voice but I try not to shout. but we are all only human and you can have a bad day where you maybe shouted. I think as long as it is not a frequent occurance and you are open and honest about it it is fine.

will check out the book. thanks for the link

sometimes when a LO starts to wind me up or I can tell that I am getting frustrated etc I will ask myself the question. In the bigger picture is what x is doing really worth having raised bloodpressure about. and mostly the answer is no!!

**The Juggler** · 27-01-2010, 10:19 PM

my dd is v. challenging - or spirited as we call it in our household

i do shout occasionally (when mindees not here) but keeping calm is exhausting. sometimes when I droop her to school I'm exhausted and def. when I put her to bed.

keeping a calm front when all is turmoil underneath takes a lot of energy....

**madasahatter** · 27-01-2010, 10:48 PM

will check out the book. thanks for the link

.

Check out your local library first!. Whilst the book has good reviews, if you are an experienced minder it won't tell you anything new IYSWIM. Mind you if you get a secondhand copy for £2.76 (inc postage) off amazon marketplace you've hardly wasted much money either. I found it helpful when I was relatively inexperienced, but knew I didn't want to be the sort of person who was continually shouting.

**Blackhorse** · 28-01-2010, 07:41 AM

Originally Posted by madasahatter

.

Check out your local library first!. Whilst the book has good reviews, if you are an experienced minder it won't tell you anything new IYSWIM. Mind you if you get a secondhand copy for £2.76 (inc postage) off amazon marketplace you've hardly wasted much money either. I found it helpful when I was relatively inexperienced, but knew I didn't want to be the sort of person who was continually shouting.

thanks for that...I am a new cm and I think reading up on things wont hurt. I got the cheapest of amazon ....so it really only was something like 2.76 or so....

**mushpea** · 28-01-2010, 10:08 AM

I get down to their leval and talk in a firm voice and say if you dont get ready you will walk down the street with no shoes or coat on, if they are old enough to do it themselves but dont get ready on time then i make them take two or 3 steps outside then ask again if they want to put their shoes on, normaly it works, I had a 6yrold that wouldnt do their zip up or get ready so walked all the way to school carrying their scarf and hat and decided at school that they would then get dressed properly, ever since we have got dressed in time.

**twiggy** · 28-01-2010, 11:37 AM

I'm always shouting at my DD as she knows what buttons to press to wind me up. I usually take her into the front room away from the other mindees and then shout.

I have found the last few mornings that it works if I give her a choice e.g you get dressed or you go to bed early, you choose.

She is 6 but I guess it would work on younger children. It works on my teenagers. I learnt this from a teenager behaviour management course I went on.