A member needs our support

**sarah707** · 07-11-2008, 08:27 AM

I have been talking to one of our members over the last few days about a very sad situation.

She isn't ready to come onto the forum yet and tell everyone, but she has asked if I can pick your brains please.

One of her mums died in her car on the way to collect her children the other day. Her children are 5 and a baby.

The baby keeps looking around for mum, coming for cuddles and looking sad.

The 5 year old needs support and as much help as she can give.

Our member wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation and might have some wisdom to share.

Thank you xx

**miffy** · 07-11-2008, 08:32 AM

Oh how dreadful - it must be so heart-breaking to see the children looking for their mum.

I can't offer any advice but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and even if you don't want to talk about it on the forum I'm glad you're talking to Sarah

Miffy xx

**shopshelleyd** · 07-11-2008, 08:32 AM

Oh that is so awful I am lost for words. I don't have any words of wisdom, would perhaps NCMA if she is a member be able to help, perhaps offer some counselling for her and advice on how to help the children and their family. Sending lots of love and hugs to her and the children's family. xx

**sparky** · 07-11-2008, 08:33 AM

(((((((((( hugs )))))))))) such an awful situation to be in

Unfortunately I dont have any words of wisdom to share but had to reply to show my support x

**lucytownsend** · 07-11-2008, 08:34 AM

That is so very sad and upsetting, I can't even begin to imagine what her and that family must be going through.

It might be worth having a word with the dad (or guardian) and asking him how he is answering their questions, as it would be less confusing to have just the one set story, e.g Mummy is in heaven now but she is looking down on you and will always be there for you etc.

He may also give her some ideas on how he copes with them when they are sad.

Otherwise, just give them as much love and support as they need, be sensitive to their sadness and let them grieve.

Hopefully someone else will come along after me too!

Lx

**wendywu** · 07-11-2008, 08:37 AM

JUst lots and lots of love and support. Depends on how long she has had the children and if they are full time or not as to how important she is in their lives. But at least she can be a source of comfort to them

Pipsqueak · 07-11-2008, 08:37 AM

Oh goodness how terrible, that has bought tears to my eyes.
Don't know what to suggest but massive hugs and love (((((xxxx)))))

Can her development officer, early years team, health visitor, NCMA, doctor advise or offer any support.

BIG BIG hugs

**ajs** · 07-11-2008, 08:40 AM

brought tears to my eyes too

sorry no words of wisdom i was 12 when my father died and he had been very ill so it wasn't unexpected

just to send my love

i am glad though as mffy says that at least you're talking to sarah

big hugs to you and the family concerned

**PixiePetal** · 07-11-2008, 08:40 AM

Thankfully never been in the situation. Love and thoughts to them all.

If you have been minding for some time you will be a constant in their lives and an important person. I am sure you will offer all the support you can and you will need support too from family and friends. Contacting Sarah will give you support from outside the family and counselling would be beneficial when the time is right.
x x x

**kindredspirits** · 07-11-2008, 08:45 AM

i wish i could offer more support - but i've never been in this situation. as others have said, i think keeping the story straight for the 5 year old is very important, poor little mites.
all involved will be in my prayers.
anna xx

**Lottie** · 07-11-2008, 08:45 AM

Oh my goodness... this is tragic. Poor darlings.

I have recently lost a loved one, my cousin who was 28 died in traffic accident on the 28th Sept.

From my own very fresh experience I doubt the Father/guardians are in any 'fit state' emotionally right now. The shock and pain is overwhelming. It maybe that the member should look for some advice on her own, on how to communicate to the little one's, i.e Cruse bereavement - 0844 477 9400. Any information and support she would get she could then pass on to the parent/guardian/family.

In the meantime I would answer any questions, with regards to their Mum in very simple terms, nothing too complicated.

**katickles** · 07-11-2008, 08:48 AM

Oh my gosh thats terrible. I am lost for words as its so sad.

I have never been in a situation any thing like it, so am unable to offer advice, I am sos sorry this has happened to the family though.

Big hugs to everybody involved x x

**mum2two** · 07-11-2008, 08:51 AM

That is so sad. I don't really know what to offer in the way of advice, other than just being there for them, and offering them lots of love and comfort.

The 5 yr old will have lots of questions, that do need to be answered in order for them to be able to get through it, but in simple terms.

I was 17 when I lost my mother figure, and it was unbearable at that age. A 5 year old must be so confused.

Will be thinking of them all.

Kelly xx

**crazybones** · 07-11-2008, 09:02 AM

How incredibly sad. I dont have much advice to give other than when my mum died and Ciaran was 4 (he was incredibly close to my mum - saw her every day) we were just totally honest with every question he asked and encouraged him to speak about her when he wanted to. We put her photo in a prominent position because he started to panic that he couldnt remember her face but could remember her dressing gown. My dad bought all the grandchildren a silver cross and chain and said that it was from Grandma so she could carry on looking after them. What has always worried me was Jamie - who was 6 refused to talk about my mum from from that day onwards.

Its hard to know what advice to give but in my experience I would say just be honest and answer every question so the 5 year old knows its ok to talk about her whenever he wants to and encourage his dad to do the same. Not sure what to advise about the baby. Its so sad.

**Polly2** · 07-11-2008, 09:04 AM

How terrible!

I've not been through anything so awful so have no advice sorry just wanted to let you know I care and we are here whenever she wants to talk xx

**LittleMissSparkles** · 07-11-2008, 09:09 AM

Sending my love to you, so so sad for the children and the family xxx

**berkschick** · 07-11-2008, 09:14 AM

How sad, poor children.

I dont really know what advice to offer.

I hope she os ok though.

**peabo_84** · 07-11-2008, 09:16 AM

I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling, sorry I don't have any advice.

You are in my thoughts, my love to you, the children and their father.

Peabo_84

**Blaze** · 07-11-2008, 09:20 AM

How old is the baby? I might be able to help..when C was in reception a classmate's Dad died unexpectantly & the youngest sibling was just a wee thing...will give the Mum a call later. Very sad.

**HFC** · 07-11-2008, 09:21 AM

I would imagine missing mum would only be a small part of it for the kids just now. It will be how everyone around them is grieving that will be affecting them more than anything. Everyone will be falling apart which will be very confusing for the little ones.

The best thing she can do is to be calm emotionally and try to keep a tiny bit of normality for the kids. Give cuddles and let them know why people are upset, let them know its okay to be upset and that it will get better. Suggest to dad/grandparents that a grief counselor would be good for the kids - they are far better trained to deal with it than us. My friends daughter passed away earlier this year and she takes her 2 younger children to a family centre where they made 'happy boxes' which hold good memories of their sister etc.

Most of all she just needs to support the family with their wishes.

Good luck