child cried, kicked and screamed when mum left

**Mollymop** · 19-09-2008, 03:10 PM

I have a new child - he has only been with me 3 times and each time he comes in fine and lets mum leave, until today!
As soon as mum gets here she had trouble getting him through my door and then he wouldn't let her leave.
So mum stayed for half an hour, but he still sobbed and clung to her no matter what I tired. I tried everything I could think of.
Mum didn't know what to do. I think she wanted to take him with her as you can see it was upsetting her as well. So I said to pass him to me and then just go. I told her it would be for the best as he would calm down when she has gone.
So I quickly took him off her (he is 3 and half, so quite heavy) and held him while she made a mad dash for the door and went. She actually ran to the door. He was screaming and sobbing and tearing at me and kicking me as I was holding him. Ouch, my thighs!!! I only actually felt the pain afterwards - must have been the adrenaline of trying to restrain him.

Mum was asking me why he is doing this now, because he was fine before, but he has just started nursery 2 days a week and cries there as well.

He was ok after about 10 mins

I was just wondering what you all do when the little ones cry and kick for their parents when they leave? This is the first time it has happened to me!

**mum2two** · 19-09-2008, 03:16 PM

Just persevere. It's hard for the parents, but you did the right thing. He's obviously ok with you, as he stopped once mum had gone.

I have lo, had her for over a year, since she was 1, and all of a sudden hated coming here. She realised she got a reaction off mum if she cried about coming to my house, but as soon as the door was shut, she'd go & play!

All fine again now! A lot of the time it's an attention thing, and purely done to make the parents feel guilty about leaving them!

Now she comes running up to us, and hates it on the one day that mum picks her up from playschool. Says she wants to come to ours...

Kids are wierd!

xx

**sarah707** · 19-09-2008, 03:17 PM

Delayed reaction is quite common especially if there are lots of changes in their little lives all at once.

He is punishing mum for leaving him... even though he's having fun when she's gone.

Next time try plonking him in a buggy and walking him round the block - much less painful for your legs and it will give him a chance to find his equilibrium.

I had one like this a few years ago who screamed until mum was out of earshot. Mum gave up her job in the end but I'm not sure that solved anything because she still kicks up a fuss every day at school except now there's no choice...

Good luck! xx

LOOPYLISA · 19-09-2008, 03:20 PM

Ah your poor legs!, my neice does this except its because she doesnt want to go home at the end of the day!, i hope its better for you next week x

**CCJD** · 19-09-2008, 03:21 PM

Sounds like this little one is suddenly feeling seperation axiety - often the first few times they come they dont understand what is going on - there's all sorts of new stuff to distract them and forget that mum has gone. Now he's got wise to the situation (what with nursery aswell) and knows that mum is about to go.
Worst thing she can do is linger unfortunately and you were spot on to tell her just to hand him over and dash - I have often watch a child escalate with every sad and worried backward glance mum or dad has made.
Ideas I have found have helped with some children :
- some children hate mum leaving them but are fine if dad does.
- at 3 yrs old most children have a favourite tv programme - agree with mum that you are only using this for settling in - but have this on already when he arrives so you can instantly distract with looks whats on tv!!!
-although this may be a pain for you first thing (what with getting kids ready for school etc) but maybe have something set out already when he comes that will not fail to interest him - gloop in a big tray tends to be a winner every time.
- last but not least if he persists you just have to grin and bear it until he settles - but make sure that once he is happy playing you taking photo's for his diary to make it easier for mum to realise that he is happy once distracted - once she relaxes (knowing that he does have fun once she is gone) he may well relax too.

Good luck

**miffy** · 19-09-2008, 03:23 PM

I'd say make the parting as quick as possible - no sense in mum staying half an hour it only delays the inevitable. I've never had a child kick me - I'd just put him down or as Sarah says into the buggy but 3 1/2 is a bit big for a buggy.

If he's only been with you a few times and is also coping with nursery two days a week it's a lot for him. The most important thing is he settles after a short time so hopefully things will improve again

Good luck

Miffy xx

**Mrs.L.C** · 19-09-2008, 03:24 PM

You did exactly what I would have done. When the parents stay, i find it can make it worst. Theres obv a lot of changes going on with him starting pre-school aswell. Its nothing to do with you as he settled almost straight away. I had this with a lad who did it now and again esp after any change

Just stick with what you did

**Mollymop** · 19-09-2008, 03:29 PM

Thanks!!

He doesn't kick out at me, like he is trying to hurt me, but more kick with his legs as he is struggling to get out of my arms, you know the struggling sort of kicking, when mum is going out the door.

It would be difficult to put him a buggy - he is a big 3 year old, he is nearly 4.

Loads of great advice as always thanks for helping!

**tulip0803** · 19-09-2008, 03:33 PM

When I was minding before I had a lovely little boy 3 days a week from 3 months old. After a couple of years he suddenly started causing this type of fuss. We found that if Mum came into the house he kicked and screamed but if Mum stood at the end of my path and he walked down with his little bag he was completely happy. Only thing we could think was that he felt Mum was leaving him if she came into the house but if he came in alone he left Mum

and felt differently.

**katickles** · 19-09-2008, 03:43 PM

Hi Sandra

One of my mindees does this at the moment. We used to manage it by going getting his breakfast but he's used to that so it started again this week. We are now tryinga new stratagey (sp). Dad goes & we go into the dining room (they don't really go into that room usually) then we wave from the window, seems to be going well, but saying that ask me again next week

Hope he settles for you x

**crazybones** · 19-09-2008, 04:22 PM

One of mine does this when mum drops him off. He is fine when dad drops him off - runs in, picks some toys and ignores Dad saying goodbye but when Mum drops him he screams, crys and clings. Dad had told Mum its her fault as he knows how to play her. I tell her to get to the top of my road and phone me and she will hear him happily playing because the second I shut the door he stops.

**peggy** · 19-09-2008, 07:29 PM

Originally Posted by sandra79

I have a new child - he has only been with me 3 times and each time he comes in fine and lets mum leave, until today!
As soon as mum gets here she had trouble getting him through my door and then he wouldn't let her leave.
So mum stayed for half an hour, but he still sobbed and clung to her no matter what I tired. I tried everything I could think of.
Mum didn't know what to do. I think she wanted to take him with her as you can see it was upsetting her as well. So I said to pass him to me and then just go. I told her it would be for the best as he would calm down when she has gone.
So I quickly took him off her (he is 3 and half, so quite heavy) and held him while she made a mad dash for the door and went. She actually ran to the door. He was screaming and sobbing and tearing at me and kicking me as I was holding him. Ouch, my thighs!!! I only actually felt the pain afterwards - must have been the adrenaline of trying to restrain him.

Mum was asking me why he is doing this now, because he was fine before, but he has just started nursery 2 days a week and cries there as well.

He was ok after about 10 mins

I was just wondering what you all do when the little ones cry and kick for their parents when they leave? This is the first time it has happened to me!

Go with a quick change over, the child knows that mum is gonna leave him so i wouldnt prolong the ineviatable!! It may be best to let him say goodbye to mum and her leave straight away after a kiss goodbye etc...

The child will eventually get used to it, you have to perserve, some children are helped by distraction after mum / dad has gone, some like cuddles, some like to be left alone to calm down do what ever needs to be done until the child comes round and then stick to it, i used to put mine in the "quiet room" (my son's bedroom) when his dad left and let him come out of it, and he did....in the end!

**Pauline** · 19-09-2008, 07:51 PM

Can't add much more advice but wanted you to know that it is quite the norm. Had quite a few like that over the years!

Try to discourage mum from staying, it only makes matters worse for both of them.

Good luck, with time it will get better - promise!!

**Rubybubbles** · 19-09-2008, 07:55 PM

just to add (great advice everyone) maybe let mum peek in after 5-10 mins if calm after a while to make her see how quick the child does settle

I used to have lo cried like this and it really upset the mum, so her watching after made a huge difference to her day! Hubby also used to sneak them in on hometime and it's amazing how they can all be playing so lovely then all hell breaks lose once they spot the parent

**Mollymop** · 19-09-2008, 07:57 PM

Originally Posted by Rubybubbles

just to add (great advice everyone) maybe let mum peek in after 5-10 mins if calm after a while to make her see how quick the child does settle

I used to have lo cried like this and it really upset the mum, so her watching after made a huge difference to her day! Hubby also used to sneak them in on hometime and it's amazing how they can all be playing so lovely then all hell breaks lose once they spot the parent

That's a great idea em,

His mum owns the shop which is only over the road and he is at mine for 4 hours, i have to walk past to get my son from school and she often pops her head out the door to wave. Today he waved happily to his mum as usual. So I think that put her mind to rest.

**balloon** · 19-09-2008, 08:06 PM

I know it's not quite the same but I mind an 8 month old LO who cries when mum goes, last week I introduced the 'drop at the door and run' idea for this LO and now she is settling much better then when mum was coming in for a chat before she left her. Might this work for you?

**charleyfarley** · 19-09-2008, 09:01 PM

One of my mindees went through this a few months ago, had been fine up till then.

Was fine on the Monday then Tuesday all hell let lose, clinging to dad and screaming but within 5-10 mins he was fine.

It lasted about a week so it was just a phase he was going through

Good luck Sandra, it's horrible when they are like that but it will pass.

Carol xx

**donnahay0** · 19-09-2008, 09:20 PM

I think they do it to make Mum or Dad feel guilty. When I used to drop my own off at pre-school they never even looked back (huh).

I used to have a little girl who would be fine with me unless my DH came home at lunch time and she would have a right old fit. It got to the point where I told him not to come home to his own house if she was there (she came 3 days a week).

The advise already given is all good - I hope he soon settles in.