What's your thought on parents using childcare when it's not needed?
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  1. #1
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    Default What's your thought on parents using childcare when it's not needed?

    How would you feel if a family had a child in your childcare setting full time and mum didn't work? Dad works and mum works weekends and maybe one night in the week, but child is always in childcare and mum is at home binge watching TV shows etc.

    I have this situation at the moment. Of course I am grateful I have a full time child and I have that income coming in but I feel desperately sorry for the child. She's with me Monday to Friday 9am to 5.30pm. Parents receive tax credits so it's no odds to the to pay for the child care.
    Mum has a baby due in a couple of months and still intends to keep 20 months old child with me full time.

    An older child also goes to after school club, which to be fair, he may enjoy.

    Battling with the sadness I feel for this child and the feeling of reassurance that the income brings.

    Child is mostly happy, clean and has suitable clothes, I have no suspicions of neglect or any other abuse. But could this be deemed as emotional neglect? Or just downright laziness on mum's part?

    Child is exhausting but a normal 20 month old.

    Is this no different to a rich family having a full time nanny?

    I think I'm just after some reassurance that I'm worrying for nothing.

    Is what they do while child is in my care none of my business?

    Thanks in advance for your replies.
    Last edited by HTSMumma; 14-05-2015 at 08:49 AM.

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    Each to their own. Sounds like the mum is depressed
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    Have you ever asked this Mum what her reasons are?

    It might be that she is going through a hard time with this pregnancy, or she feels that her children need routine and contact with children of similar ages that comes with being in a childcare or after-school setting, or something else entirely.

    If she feels that she is doing the best for her child(ren), then it's up to her.

    Have a chat with her. You might be surprised.

    All the best,

    L

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    Not a lot we can do about it - there will always be parents like that from all classes and cultures. As long as the time that they do spend with their child is quality time then that's good enough. Some people just don't 'get much' out of being with little children, even though they love them.

    Sometimes, come 6 o'clock when I am desperate for some 'me time', I see the parents faces light up when they collect their children and I think, awwww, the children are going to have a lovely couple of hours now with someone who really wants to be with them, whereas if they had been with them all day long it might have been more in terms of quantity but would it have been pure quality? Not all day long. Some parents would be resentful at having to do that and who knows, it might be detrimental to their relationship in the long run.

    Your situation does seem a little extreme - five days a week, but we just don't know what underlying reasons there are for this. x

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    It sounds as if you have a very low opinion of this mum and that may be clouding your judgement.

    As you say, if mum was rich and using a nanny you wouldn't think the same. If mum was wealthy, used you for full time childcare, but spent her time out having lunch, visiting friends, going to the beauty salon and going to the gym would you feel the same? Would you suspect her of emotional neglect? But you worry this child is suffering from neglect because they are with you full time while mum stays at home 'binge watching TV'?

    To be honest, it's no business of mine what parents do while their children are here. I offer a childcare service. It isn't only for working parents. It's for anyone who wants to send their child to me, for whatever reason. You don't always know what's going on at home. Maybe mum is lazy, maybe she finds it hard to cope, maybe she just isn't very maternal. Whatever the reason I bet the child benefits hugely from coming to you - maybe they're better off full time with you than being at home?

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    I used to nanny for a family where mum said she loved her 4 children to pieces but couldn't be with them 24 /7. She was a great mum at weekends and bedtime but on holiday just couldn't do it! (They always took the nanny away with them too!) Mum just ran out of patience/ enthusiasm/ energy after a couple of days!
    When I had holiday granny would come to stay or even a temp nanny!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mouse View Post
    To be honest, it's no business of mine what parents do while their children are here. I offer a childcare service. It isn't only for working parents. It's for anyone who wants to send their child to me, for whatever reason. You don't always know what's going on at home. Maybe mum is lazy, maybe she finds it hard to cope, maybe she just isn't very maternal. Whatever the reason I bet the child benefits hugely from coming to you - maybe they're better off full time with you than being at home?
    I agree with mouse here, the child is probably gaining a lot more from being with you.
    Maybe mum is depressed and if she's pregnant is possibly tired too. A 20 month old can be very demanding and mum may not have the energy to be 'hands on'
    There are lots of reasons for parents to want their child to be looked after, better being with you than passed from pillar to post ;-)

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    I do find this very odd only because the child is you five full days. I have a mum with me and I mind 2 of her 7 children. She uses me 2 days a week sometimes a third day so she can have time to herself to do messages appointment or the mountain of house work she has she does not work but really grateful she has time to herself. Even when her older children are off school I still have the younger two so she can go do things without the hassle of the younger two. They are very unruly at home but angels here
    Tess1981

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mouse View Post
    It sounds as if you have a very low opinion of this mum and that may be clouding your judgement. As you say, if mum was rich and using a nanny you wouldn't think the same. If mum was wealthy, used you for full time childcare, but spent her time out having lunch, visiting friends, going to the beauty salon and going to the gym would you feel the same? Would you suspect her of emotional neglect? But you worry this child is suffering from neglect because they are with you full time while mum stays at home 'binge watching TV'? To be honest, it's no business of mine what parents do while their children are here. I offer a childcare service. It isn't only for working parents. It's for anyone who wants to send their child to me, for whatever reason. You don't always know what's going on at home. Maybe mum is lazy, maybe she finds it hard to cope, maybe she just isn't very maternal. Whatever the reason I bet the child benefits hugely from coming to you - maybe they're better off full time with you than being at home?
    What makes you think I have a low opinion of this mum? Yes, I've been struggling to understand why she sends the child to me all day, five days a week, that's why I came here to get some other ideas.
    I challenged my own thoughts by mentioning a rich family with a nanny. The fact that they are
    A lower income family holds no relevance to me regarding judgement. We are too a low income family. You are putting words in my mouth by continuing this further by going on about a rich parent going for lunches and spas? How would I know if this hypothetical family is causing emotional neglect? Maybe, maybe not?

    I am very grateful to the suggestion that I haven't thought of; maybe mum suffers depression, not very maternal etc.
    In response to the person asking if I've asked mum why she sends the child to me full time, I guess if I'm really honest, I've been scared to hear her response. I know that makes me a little cowardly.

    The comment about binge watching tele, that's not speculation, this is fact. Something the mum has told me. Again, I didn't add this to my original comment because I have a low opinion of her, but I have found it saddening that she will send her child to childcare and then go home and watching TV for a large portion of the day.

    Anyway, I guess it really is none of my business.

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    I suppose it depends on the viewpoint of whether or not childcare is needed.

    Yes they get tax credits but that wont come close to paying it all so they have decided as a family that childcare is needed. Maybe Mum is depressed and finds that she doesn't cope very well. Going to toddler groups and activities for children isn't everybody's idea of enjoyment.

    You don't say how long you have had the child but could Mum had problems in her last pregnancies or maybe shes just shattered and thinks the child will benefit from being with you.
    When someone tells you nothing is impossible, tell them to go slam a revolving door

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    Quote Originally Posted by HTSMumma View Post
    What makes you think I have a low opinion of this mum? .
    Apologies. My assumption that you have a low opinion of this mum was made purely on your comments that mum "binge watches TV" and that you consider she may be "downright lazy".

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  17. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mouse View Post
    Apologies. My assumption that you have a low opinion of this mum was made purely on your comments that mum "binge watches TV" and that you consider she may be "downright lazy".
    Thanks. And again, the downright lazy comment was posed as a question, not a statement of belief. Although, I do have my suspicions having known the family for sometime and the comments from dad about mum.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FussyElmo View Post
    I suppose it depends on the viewpoint of whether or not childcare is needed. Yes they get tax credits but that wont come close to paying it all so they have decided as a family that childcare is needed. Maybe Mum is depressed and finds that she doesn't cope very well. Going to toddler groups and activities for children isn't everybody's idea of enjoyment. You don't say how long you have had the child but could Mum had problems in her last pregnancies or maybe shes just shattered and thinks the child will benefit from being with you.
    I don't think they pay a huge amount to top up the cost of childcare to be honest.

    I've had the child since she was 9 months old.

    Mum hasn't always not worked so little.

    You know when you just hear things and then the actions don't add up? I think that's what led me to ask for other thoughts. Something's not adding up and I'm just worried that when new baby comes, the middle child I look after will end up feeling pushed aside, especially when new baby and eldest stay at home and she has to go to childcare.

    Thanks for your comments.

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    Quote Originally Posted by HTSMumma View Post
    I don't think they pay a huge amount to top up the cost of childcare to be honest.

    I've had the child since she was 9 months old.

    Mum hasn't always not worked so little.

    You know when you just hear things and then the actions don't add up? I think that's what led me to ask for other thoughts. Something's not adding up and I'm just worried that when new baby comes, the middle child I look after will end up feeling pushed aside, especially when new baby and eldest stay at home and she has to go to childcare.

    Thanks for your comments.
    If you've got concerns about these children, then you should be noting them down and keeping a record. It's not our job to investigate - we can only record what we see, hear and feel.

    I hope that helps.

    L

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  21. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by lollipop kid View Post
    If you've got concerns about these children, then you should be noting them down and keeping a record. It's not our job to investigate - we can only record what we see, hear and feel. I hope that helps. L
    I think I will start writing down facts. It will be interesting to see whether her plans change when baby is born and if she decides to keep 20 month old home a few days a week.

    I spoke to my assessor about this and she has said the same, to start recording any concerns I have.

    Thanks.

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  23. #16
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    You mention that older child is a "he" but not the gender of the 20 month old, just wonder if that child is a boy also and the fact that mum is pregnant again if she was really disappointed that the 2nd child was another boy and maybe has got post natal depression and hasn't bonded to this child. All speculation on my part, just know how much I had my heart set on finally getting a boy with baby no. 3 and having post natal depression because it was a 3rd girl.

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    Maybe mum hasn't bonded well with middle child through some sort of mental health issue or even a tragedy she can't accept around the time of this little one etc... I can understand you feeling uncomfortable to ask. I have also looked after children for same amount of time when mums not worked as when they have. It feels odd to us but then we have often chosen this type of job as we don't want to leave our children at all so it is difficult for us to understand anyway.

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  26. #18
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    Interesting loophole with tax credits where you can claim for childcare used when you are not actually working?
    I presume the hours mum works at weekend dad looks after the children?

    I've had non working parents send their children to me I've never really thought anything of it, after all the 2 3 and 4 year old funding isn't given provided you are working is it.

    Something is obviously niggling you though, always document everything.

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    Quote Originally Posted by samb View Post
    Maybe mum hasn't bonded well with middle child through some sort of mental health issue or even a tragedy she can't accept around the time of this little one etc... I can understand you feeling uncomfortable to ask. I have also looked after children for same amount of time when mums not worked as when they have. It feels odd to us but then we have often chosen this type of job as we don't want to leave our children at all so it is difficult for us to understand anyway.
    Oh my gosh, possibly the nail on the head there!

    Mum's father sadly passed away not long after child I mind was born.
    This is something I haven't considered and thank you for thinking of it.

    20 month old is a handful and maybe that plus father passing away has meant that she is struggling with some undiagnosed depression and can't cope with any challenging behaviour from the child.

    You're also right, I chose this profession because I wanted to be around my own children, which is why I've found this mum sending her daughter to childcare when it's not needed so distressing.


    Thank you for responding.

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    Quote Originally Posted by blue bear View Post
    Interesting loophole with tax credits where you can claim for childcare used when you are not actually working? I presume the hours mum works at weekend dad looks after the children? I've had non working parents send their children to me I've never really thought anything of it, after all the 2 3 and 4 year old funding isn't given provided you are working is it. Something is obviously niggling you though, always document everything.
    Is this an actual loophole with childcare tax credits or are they being dishonest by not disclosing mum isn't working? I truly don't know. Not that it's any of my business.

 

 
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