Would you let Mindee go hungry if they refuse to eat? - feeling really bad at moment.

[tess1981]

Seems to me you are providing foods she supposedly likes but the child is refusing to eat it, so you're doing what you're 'paid' to do. I wouldnt be happy if parent said such a thing

If a parent said that to me about do what you are paid to do.....I would tell them I will throw in a little extra for free.. ie the road out if here!!!!! How dare she. She knows ofsted would have your guts for garters if you fed pizza and fash food to the child. You have a healthy eating policy. It's your setting your rules.. you are for want of a better word training the child in good food habits.... grrrrrrr

[Kiddleywinks]

I've been very fortunate I must admit, even the fussy eaters eat what's put in front of them thankfully, apart from one, who decided one day aged 3 that they weren't going to have tea here.
I worked with mum, obviously mum was on board, and if she didn't eat here, I packed it up for mum to reheat at home, which she did (amazingly whatever we had here for tea, was what mum had made her too lol)

This has now gone on for over a year! (Talking about LO's being stubborn lol) with a slight twist.
LO is still adamant, several times throughout the day, they're not having tea here, I agree and confirm I'm not making them tea today.
Tea time arrives, child claims to be hungry, oh, right, but you don't want tea here do you and now it's our tea time. If you're hungry, you can have some of what we're having if you want to....
Child eats

Go figure!

I do think it's a control thing with my LO, in that they feel in control of the situation (even though they're not)

If a child knows by not eating with you, parents will cave in at home and give the junk food they prefer, then you are on a hiding to nothing.
If you provide food, pack it up, give to mum and say this is what was made, your child didn't want it, but you can have the meal as it's part of our contract that I provide a meal.
Maybe when mum gets fed up of seeing their child turn their nose up at a perfectly good nutritious meal they'll get fed up of having to cook again at home after a hard day at work

Just as a giggle.
One of my fussy eaters didn't like potatoes, but they liked spuds

[tess1981]

I've been very fortunate I must admit, even the fussy eaters eat what's put in front of them thankfully, apart from one, who decided one day aged 3 that they weren't going to have tea here.
I worked with mum, obviously mum was on board, and if she didn't eat here, I packed it up for mum to reheat at home, which she did (amazingly whatever we had here for tea, was what mum had made her too lol)

This has now gone on for over a year! (Talking about LO's being stubborn lol) with a slight twist.
LO is still adamant, several times throughout the day, they're not having tea here, I agree and confirm I'm not making them tea today.
Tea time arrives, child claims to be hungry, oh, right, but you don't want tea here do you and now it's our tea time. If you're hungry, you can have some of what we're having if you want to....
Child eats

Go figure!

I do think it's a control thing with my LO, in that they feel in control of the situation (even though they're not)

If a child knows by not eating with you, parents will cave in at home and give the junk food they prefer, then you are on a hiding to nothing.
If you provide food, pack it up, give to mum and say this is what was made, your child didn't want it, but you can have the meal as it's part of our contract that I provide a meal.
Maybe when mum gets fed up of seeing their child turn their nose up at a perfectly good nutritious meal they'll get fed up of having to cook again at home after a hard day at work

Just as a giggle.
One of my fussy eaters didn't like potatoes, but they liked spuds

My dd did not like lamb but ate beef.... which went baaaa lol years later she caught on that sone days the mint sauce was set out with the 'beef' and some days it was Yorkshire puddings

[JCrakers]

I know as a Mum I've made a rod for my own back because as a family there is only 1 meal that we can all eat together.

DS doesn't like Lasagne or Pasta
DD doesn't like Sunday Roast
DS like Chicken with Mayo in his Pack up
DD likes no Mayo
DS likes Tuna with loads of Mayo
DD likes plain tuna
DS will eat cottage pie, DD hates it.....

Then list goes on. Over the years I have, as a parent been cooking 3 different meals at tea time for a long time. 1 for DD, 1 for DS and another for me and hubby....I know...IM AN IDIOT On occasion we will eat as a 3 with the other one having fish fingers or similar.


My Mum (in the 70's-80's) would dish up one meal....we ate it or we didn't...simple. But living in a 'have to do the right thing' society nowadays I feel so guilty giving my children food that they don't like. I remember a pie I had to eat every Monday which was ****** awful but very Monday it was served up.

With my mindees I don't do a lot of cooking. Out of 13 mindees I cook for 3 either 1 or 2 days a week so I only actually cook 1 meal on a Tuesday,2 on a weds and 1 on a Thurs. Everyone else has a cold lunch.

I do only cook 1 meal for mindees and its usually based on their likes and dislikes. If I had a fussy eater who would only eat certain foods then I would probably say to Mum that 'After trying lots of foods that are being wasted then I'm offering an alternative of a cold/sandwich type meal from now on and a hot meal can be given at home in the evening

[Tinkerbell1979]

They go hungry in this house including my own kids x

[skatie]

One of my mindees likes very plain food, like mash potato and plain mince.... No sauce. Mummy would go on and on about how dearest daughter could only eat this and that, daughter when on and on about 'my mummy lets me eat chocolate spread sandwiches for breakfast'.

It used to irk me that I was having to change my whole way of cooking for just one child. So decided to put my foot down and would cook as per normal and serve it up, as I put it on the table I would say xx this is your dinner as it's plain just has ketchup'. Who would then gobble up all her dinner? It's a control thing!

I did a 'survey' last night as all the children I feed were in the same room. I'd call out a meal and they would say if they liked it or not. I now have a list of who likes what. When I shouted out who likes macaroni cheese, the same particular child said 'me! But I don't like cheese sauce.' So basically she'll eat the plain pasta when we have macaroni cheese.

[ziggy]

They go hungry in this house including my own kids x

If a child was hungry they would eat

[fionamal]

I don't pander to them, they either eat it or they don't get anything else and that goes for my own kids too.

[Fitrix]

It never ceases to amaze me that kids are prepared to go hungry rather than eat anything they don't really like. I operate a " try your best / if you're really not hungry then you can't be hungry for pudding" approach and deny treat foods if they are being fussy rather than genuinely disliking the food (and I don't give them what I know they don't like). I work in conjunction with parents in this but am always discovering at a later stage that although the parent talks the talk and says infront of me "well you didn't eat your dinner so you'll get nothing at home" (cue major tantrum and sulks), the child gets all manner of c@@p at home. One mindee's mum keeps Jaffa cakes in her car to keep her child happy on the drive home. So invariably said child doesn't eat dinner.....

[Tinkerbell1979]

If a child was hungry they would eat

You'd think wouldn't you but they don't unless sweets crisps cake or yogurt !

[k-tots]

Moto in my house...eat it dont eat it get nothing else.....every Wednesday I cook pasta...I know my ds wont entertain it and wont sit at the table....but if hes hungry he will come to the table and eat x

[Maza]

Totally agree. Definatley stuck between a rock and a hard place!

The Parents are very busy working professionals but certainly NOT struggling. Grandma helps out on the days I don't have them, they have a cleaner and a gardener. I'm just a long list of hired help, lol. I think it's all about convenience for food and it seems that her favourites are pizza, pasta and Hotdogs!!! Not something I will be providing every day. Can you imagine Ofsted!!

Well the result was she did not eat a lot. I did not provide an alternative. I took off the Yorkshire pudding. Mum did say give it a go but maybe she won't eat it( great definitive answer) she was left with meat, potatoes and vegetable which she has eaten before but refused.
I like to provide healthy and nutritious meals but what I call real meals, I.e Roast Dinner, shepherds Pies, lasagnes, variety of pasta, fish, salads, jacket potatoes etc... I try and vary it and ensure they have plenty of fruit and veg at snack and with meals.
I discussed all this with Mum when she started, showed my Menus and explained I do provide small treats at times and quick meals if we have been out such as Pizza or if we make them. I also got a list of likes and dislikes etc...

Anyway on collection, I explained to Mum what happened. She was not very happy because said child was saying"Mummy I'm hungry, I'm Hungry". I got told I get paid to feed her!!! And I should have just given her a Pizza and saved myself a load of hassle!! DEFINATELY CATCH 22!!! I said I was fed up with throwing good quality food away and pulled out my healthy eating policy and leaflets from my bumph that I had lying around. But maybe I should just give her Pizza not sure I can stand the stress, lol. Not sure she is happy but I think I will try and have a chat with her next week and see if we can come to a compromise. But it will not be Pizza everyday!!
Thanks for all your replies

I suspect child was saying she was hungry to get a reaction as she knows there is an issue here. Mine (including those who have chosen not to eat that day) are just so happy to see their parents that it doesn't enter their heads to say they are hungry at that point. I'm sure they say it shortly afterwards because they probably are genuinely hungry, but I would be suspicious if they were saying it as soon as mum/dad arrived. Maybe, going forward, agree with mum that you will not mention food in front of the child. Is it all written in a daily diary? If mum needs to say any more on the issue she could email you later in the evening, away from her LO's ears. Very rude of mum, by the way. x

[Simona]

We should ask why 'would a child use food to attract attention'?
why are we saying to children 'if you don't eat your food you can't have any pudding'?.... sounds just like the famous song in A Brick in the wall...remember?...with definite connections to educating children to good eating habits?...or not

Is food being used as a challenge to children? why prepare something they do not like and present it to them?
if someone gave me something they knew I truly disliked I would find that offensive...would you not?

My point is that we either include food in our fees or charge separately...as we are 'paid' for that service should that not reflect children's likes and dislikes?
so why offer food children dislike...then tell them to get off the table? why not work out a menu with them that reflects everyone's needs and likes?
within that we can use our professional judgement to encourage better eating and knock bad practices on the head maybe?

why use eating as a sort of gentle blackmail....maybe my opinion is driven by my culture where food is eaten and enjoyed by all and where no one would offer food someone dislikes.

Some parents maybe are very busy and not go the extra mile ...but some do struggle financially and we must respect that...we will never know all the ins and outs of their private lives ...is the govt not offering free childcare to families on low income?
are we not seeing food banks feeding working families?....there is always another side to the story

[jo hawkins]

I've got a 2 1/2 yr old that's just the same parents provide food & snacks but she just wont eat it i've even tried not giving her anything else till the afternoon but she still wont her lunch

[lilac_dragon]

I only provide the snacks in between meals, usually fruit or veggie sticks.
My Cottage Pie doesn't taste like my Mum's, or my sister's, or my daughters even though it's basically the same - this seems to be the most common issue, so I get the parent to supply the child's meals if they eat here.
Never had a problem, and as my family are all now working age rather than school, it means I only cook once - when my family are home from work rather than after school etc.

works for me!

[VeggieSausage]

In countries where there is not enough food there is no such thing as a fussy eater, it is created by parents. I would not give a fussy child snacks and just present meals, if they are not eaten then they cannot be that hungry and can wait for the next one. Of course I do not purposefully feed children the few things they don't like, but a child who is just mega picky can just get what they are given quite frankly. I have never had a long term picky child if they start off picky it soon stops (if I have them enough days, and sometimes they eat everything at mine and are still mega picky at home).

It is hard when picky eaters arrive. I also think that we are possibly teaching children to over eat by having 2 snacks and 3 meals a day rather than just 3 meals a day., it seems like a constant grazing culture.....also I seem to get a lot of parents who feed children a lot of snacks and yoghurt - blinkin endless yoghurt, sweet, fatty yoghurt - ok in moderation but not all a meal substitute.....oh now I have got started I can't stop - my other bugbear is pouches of food which children suck out of the pouch, how is that normal?

I'll get off my soapbox now!! lol

[Maza]

We should ask why 'would a child use food to attract attention'?
why are we saying to children 'if you don't eat your food you can't have any pudding'?.... sounds just like the famous song in A Brick in the wall...remember?...with definite connections to educating children to good eating habits?...or not

Is food being used as a challenge to children? why prepare something they do not like and present it to them?
if someone gave me something they knew I truly disliked I would find that offensive...would you not?

My point is that we either include food in our fees or charge separately...as we are 'paid' for that service should that not reflect children's likes and dislikes?
so why offer food children dislike...then tell them to get off the table? why not work out a menu with them that reflects everyone's needs and likes?
within that we can use our professional judgement to encourage better eating and knock bad practices on the head maybe?

why use eating as a sort of gentle blackmail....maybe my opinion is driven by my culture where food is eaten and enjoyed by all and where no one would offer food someone dislikes.

Some parents maybe are very busy and not go the extra mile ...but some do struggle financially and we must respect that...we will never know all the ins and outs of their private lives ...is the govt not offering free childcare to families on low income?
are we not seeing food banks feeding working families?....there is always another side to the story

Simona, you don't have to think the worst of us. Most of us, including the OP DO include children/parents in the planning of menus and DO NOT offer food that children 'truly dislike' - or tell them to 'get off the table'. How are you coming to those conclusions?

[jackie 7]

With my fussy eaters I reduced snacks to very little.most eat everything. I got fed up with throwing away food they LOVED at home Now I do eat it or don't I'm not bothered!!

[bunyip]

Simona, you don't have to think the worst of us. Most of us, including the OP DO include children/parents in the planning of menus and DO NOT offer food that children 'truly dislike' - or tell them to 'get off the table'. How are you coming to those conclusions?

.....and where are all the parents who "...are struggling financially..." in London's most affluent Borough (average property price now touching £1/2 million) ? I never saw many.

I, like most people on this thread, am speaking from my own experience, and would prefer not to be dictated to based on the assumptions someone else has made about my clients.

I call my fussy eater such, because she is fussy about her eating. I'm a bit out of touch, rather old-fashioned, and prefer straight-talking to the current fashion for beating about the linguistic bush. What do I call it when a child refuses the exact same meal she "loved" last week, or makes vulgar noises and pulls rude faces at the mere mention of a meal she's never even seen? I don't happen to know the current fashionable term for this in the 'professional' 'educare' circles, when they're pontificating in between blowing the froth off their double-skinny-cappu-lattes in the college refectory. I have no problem calling a spade a spade (or a ******* shovel, if I prefer.) I'm not calling her to her face, or her parent, so I'm not "labelling" her in a harmful way. As Sherlock would put it, "I'm not insulting [her], I'm describing [her]".

Yes, Veggie is right: so much of this is down to the parents. Every time I get a 'fussy', I find they are being pandered to at home and spoilt by other relations they go to. Anything for a quiet life, whilst grandma supplies a constant flow of 'treats' to make them 'love' her more. It's not at all about parents being too busy in the evening (unless you count their social life as a jolly good reason for being 'too busy' to consider their child's health) - it's about convenience and taking the path of least resistance, then expecting the CM to deliver on nutritional requirements and civilising the child (presumably with the school then taking up the baton in due time.) And note how the Gove-rnment seems to think it's going to solve all the child health woes with school food (especially since the Olympic 'legacy' is proving a bit too flabby and tired to fix anything.) (OMG - just got sympathetic with schools - must've forgotten my tablets. )

My mum had up to 3 jobs going at any one time, and frequently had to leave a meal for me to come home to whilst she was out. I was an awkward s0d about food, but I can at least say she took the trouble to leave a good meal. The parents I've had of fussy eaters are not giving them quick & easy meals cos they have to dash off to work of an evening: their evenings are spent with the TV or going out.

Ironically, if I'd been a child in this day and age, I'd probably be in care. Mum leaving a good meal whilst going out to work to support us would be classed as 'neglect' by the 'professionals'. Presumably, preferring a quiet no-fights evening with the TV over making an effort to feed them properly falls into the category of 'perfectly acceptable'.

[bunyip]

Btw, I'm done with the soapbox now Veggie, if you need it back..........................................







It must be Sunday: I never did get the hang of Sundays.........................