What to say to a parent

[Kaybeaa]

Ok first of all, I'm sorry for the long winded potentially confusing nature of this post. Looking for advice about how to deal with parent!

I currently mind a baby 10 months 3 days a week and a 2 year old two mornings a week.

The 2 year old is a lovely boy, plays well with my DS also 2 and no trouble. It's his mum who is the problem. Very odd and nit picky and questions everything I do.

The baby is lovely too but has attachment issues and is quite hard work at times. However his mum is lovely. Really understanding, helpful and always sending me little cards and presents. Perfect parent.

Anyway a couple of months ago parent 1 (annoying one) who has a 5 month old baby along with the 2 year old, asked me whether i could potentially have space for her baby in September (Who by then would be 10 months old.) she wanted to increase 2 year olds hours to full time along with the baby. But I said I couldn't because already got hands full with the other baby and my own DS and even through continuity of care id find it a struggle with 4 children under 3 and didn't want to jeapordise care for any of them by taking them on. She agreed to look elsewhere for 2 year old come September and I started to advertise for a space. (I was secretly relieved to say no as whilst children lovely, I'd struggle with the mum)

Anyway in meantime, lovely parent number 2 comes to me, she's pregnant and due in September! She was upset about potentially leaving me and said in an ideal world, both her children would come to me but she didn't know if she could afford to send her child to me whilst on maternity. We talked about a retainer etc and she said she would get back to me after holidays. (She's a teacher so child is TTO which I prefer)
Theoretically if the other child of the annoying parent left me in September I would have a space for 2 children. So if nice parent decided to send both children to me it'd be ideal situation.

However yesterday at toddler group I bump into annoying mum who tells me that she's heard other mum pregnant and does this mean she now has a space? Being put on the spot and hating confrontation (she makes me nervous!) I say I don't know yet, waiting for other parent to get back to me. However I got the feeling that annoying parent assumed the other child would be leaving. Not only that, but it was like she didn't consider that nice parent might want to send both children to me.

The thing that I can't get my head round is, if nice parent decides to send both children to me, it could only work if annoying parent removes her child. But I get the feeling that annoying parent will keep the child with me just to make my life difficult and she might argue that she wanted a space for her two children first, and I've give the space to the other mum. But the thing is, when she enquiried about the space, the nice mum wasn't pregnant, and there wasn't a space! And there's only a space now for nice mum because annoying mum was going to look elsewhere as there wasn't a space when she enquiried.

But am I right in thinking that the nice mum should get both spaces? Her child does more hours at present anyway so seems fair.

If so how do I explain this to annoying parent without getting in a muddle and potentially getting a bad reputation?

[karen2010]

First of all I would stop worrying about being so nice ! It's your business and your decision!
Personally I would give notice to Annoying Mum as a difficult parent makes a hard job harder. It's only 2 sessions a week so won't affect you too badly. I really wouldn't worry too much about your reputation - you have to do what's right for you and to be honest if Annoying Mum is already nit picking over everything you do she probably doesn't talk about you in hugely glowing terms anyway - but most Parents would take that with a pinch of salt.
Do what YOU want to do and decide what is best for YOU !
Good luck xxxx

[tess1981]

Annoying mum had already started look elsewhere and verbally said she would remove child in September. You said no space at this stage . I would keep nice mum on as she asked while annoying mum said she would take child out. No contracts signed so you can decide what ever you want

[The Juggler]

there is still no space for her child if mum. no 2 keeps her spaces p-time during maternity leave so she should continue to look elsewhere

[Kiddleywinks]

I think I would firstly confirm the conversation, with annoying mum, in writing, that she is indeed leaving in September due to (current) space availability.

If annoying mum then 'changes her mind' at a later date, you can use the letter as a fall back that the space she currently has was confirmed as no longer available from September (it will have been given to someone else)

I get the feeling that annoying mum probably isn't looking for alternative care as she knows about nice mum's circumstances, so maybe she'll wait to find out what's happening there before making a firm decision - keeping her options open as there's nothing in writing...?

Once you have it confirmed that annoying mum is leaving, you are then able to offer the space to someone else (nice mum) and can confidently say that due to their leaving and making a space available it has now been filled thank you

[Koala]

Definately agree with others - a word of warning though - do not discuss other parents needs and what they are doing with any other parent AND do not allow parents (particularly difficult one) to be aware of why you don't have space for her new born i.e nice mum taking the place, just say you don't have space, because now difficult mum may try and manipulate your places by liaising with nice mum to suite her and practically run your place allocation for you and then your stuck with difficult mum (if your too nice/soft to say no) which from the sound of it is the last thing you want.

I would say to difficult mum - you dont' have space full stop and confirm your discussion in writing that she will be leaving in September - job done.

If you still want nice mum to stay, tell her you have spaces but be wary if there is no commitment because of cost you may be left with nothing but from past experience i'd rather have nothing rather than working under stress and I find the biggest stress comes from the big ones and not the little ones.

Good luck - it's your business, your life so run it as you want - the parents would.

[bunyip]

The first thing I'd say is "well done you" for making the decision of how many lo's to care for based on your self-knowledge and dedication to provide the best possible care. It's such a hugely refreshing change from the more usual approach of CMs who are desperate to cram in a 4th EY lo under a self-variation, then struggle on any old how, no matter; who cares so long as the money's there? Well done.

I agree with Karen, that you need to stop thinking about 'being nice'. So many CMs make the mistake of believing our job is to like parents and be liked in return. Funnily enough, I've never seen that in any contract. The logical extension of this is that you can give annoying mum her (contractual) marching orders anytime you wish. That includes standing by your decision not to take on her baby in September and/or no longer caring for the 2yo if you wish. In fact, it'd make perfect business sense to take on both her children up to and until the nice mum's maternity leave is over, then give notice to Ms Annoying and have Ms Nice and her lovely offspring once she's ready.

OK, I'm maybe going to get flamed for this, but here's the bottom line. You're self-employed: nobody can tell you which clients to service.

As for 'reputation' there's more to consider than just being seen as 'nice' by everybody. I have an ex-client (and other playground mums) who quite happily bad-mouth me, so I daresay my reputation is shot is some quarters. That doesn't appear to prevent me from attracting clients (I'm currently having to fend off enquiries, otherwise I'd have no family life in between parent visits) and, moreover, I frankly don't need to be liked or wanted by the kind of a-holes who believe the cr4p from the bad-mouthers. Are the mums to whom Ms Annoying chats really the sort of people you're hoping will come to you for childcare?

Another thing about 'reputation'. Exactly how good is it to gain the reputation that you'll gleefully tolerate the likes of Ms Annoying and the sort of sh1t it sounds like you have to put up with? I personally can do without the sort of reputation that attracts people who'll make my working life an unhappy one. A 'doormat' reputation will always attract clients. Whether they're the sort of clients you need is a whole 'nother story.

[bunyip]

I should say I agree with Koala about knowing what not to discuss between and across different clients' situations.

One reason is confidentiality, and the other is that you do not have to justify your decisions or even let anyone believe that you should.

Personally, I'd have cut short the conversation with Ms Annoying when she mentioned Ms Nice's pregnancy. My clients' medical/family issues are not topics for open debate, and I'd have told her so. (I only wish some of my clients felt the same when they're busily publicising everyone's private lives on antisocial media. )

[Kaybeaa]

Thanks guys. I think the worry is that this parent will keep the 2 year old with me for as long as she can out of spite and therefore will be tricky of me to take this new baby on. And whilst I agree about notice I'm a bit scared of giving it to her and ending on bad terms because we live in a really small village and go to all the same groups and even have the same friends. Besides, her little boy is lovely and it'd just look really mean me giving notice. She needs to leave of her own accord haha.

Doing the letter is a good idea though. Any ideas how to word it in a nice way? Bare in mind she terrifys me haha

[tess1981]

When is your contract due a review? You could use this as an excuse to call her in an say you are reviewing contracts and then ask what her plans ar

[Kiddleywinks]

Dear Ms Annoying

Further to our conversation of xx date (some months ago), I am writing to confirm that our current contract for x (2yr old) will naturally end on xx date, due to being unable to cater for your future requirements in also caring for y (baby)

Should your circumstances, or plans change, can you please advise me, no later than 30th April (or other suitable date for you) so I can confirm whether I would be able to meet your requirements, as I will be advertising x's space from May 1st (or other suitable date) and would hate to have to let you down due to a miscommunication.

Thank you for letting me know of your plans so early

Regards




Miss childminder hoping against hope

[Kaybeaa]

Dear Ms Annoying Further to our conversation of xx date (some months ago), I am writing to confirm that our current contract for x (2yr old) will naturally end on xx date, due to being unable to cater for your future requirements in also caring for y (baby) Should your circumstances, or plans change, can you please advise me, no later than 30th April (or other suitable date for you) so I can confirm whether I would be able to meet your requirements, as I will be advertising x's space from May 1st (or other suitable date) and would hate to have to let you down due to a miscommunication. Thank you for letting me know of your plans so early Regards Miss childminder hoping against hope

Fantastic I'll write something close to that as possible. I might throw the letter at her and then shut the door on her. Genuinely terrified of her response haha.

[Kaybeaa]

[QUOTE="tess1981;1355947"]When is your contract due a review? You could use this as an excuse to call her in an say you are reviewing contracts and then ask what her plans ar[/QUOTE

Contract review in November. I guess I could bring it forward? Tell her it's a 6 monthly review?!

[tess1981]

Might get you out of a sticky situation

[Kiddleywinks]

[QUOTE=Kaybeaa;1356014]

When is your contract due a review? You could use this as an excuse to call her in an say you are reviewing contracts and then ask what her plans ar[/QUOTE

Contract review in November. I guess I could bring it forward? Tell her it's a 6 monthly review?!

You could say it's a 6 monthly review due to the conversation you had about child leaving in September...?
Then, write confirming with the more recent conversation fresh in everyone's head

[karen2010]

Try not to be frightened of her ! She sounds like a bully and you need to stand up to bullies !! I know you live in a small village but if she is as obnoxious as you say other people will have noticed it and will hold their own opinions on her - even if they daren't voice them !
It's YOUR business and YOUR decisions that matter - as soon as you are shot if her you will feel such a sense of relief !
Then work on your greetings to her as you see her in the village - you know what I mean - smiling sweetly at her whilst muttering "Cow!" under your breath !!!!
Xxxxx

[Kaybeaa]

Thankyou everyone. She's very "passive aggressive" and is always passing comment on one thing or another. After my Ofsted inspection I texted her to tell her how id done and thank her DS for being such a star on the day and her response was "great. Did I leave D's wipes at yours"? Made me feel really rubbish and unappreciated all day. This job is hard enough. It's a shame as her DS is really no trouble. X