Sorry...please...thank you

[Simona]

This is going to be interesting but please do not misunderstand what I am asking:
How do you teach or guide children into learning how and when to use the words: please, thank you and sorry?

We live in a multicultural society...for English culture saying those 3 words is very important...not being English myself I have learnt what is required and say those words without thinking but I understand why I say them.
In my home language it is often the 'intonation' in our voice that implies the words

Are we teaching children to say 'please and thank' you by rote or do we allow them to understand it is part of their Social development and learning manners? if so at which age should children be expected to say the words and understand why?
For instance I hear people say to children 'Look at me when I am talking to you' but in some cultures not looking at people directly is a sign of respect

I am sure you have often witnessed in a Stay and Play a child bumping into another and being asked over and over again 'say sorry' ...I am sure someone has bumped into you while walking and you automatically say 'sorry'
It would be interesting to share how we guide children's behaviour and expectations when teaching manners...are we good role models ourselves?!

[Glitter]

The mother of my 18 month old mindee has just taught her son to say 'ta'. He now says it all day and I don't think he understands what it means, or why he is supposed to say it. I would be interested to find out what age other people think the child would understand the meanings of please, sorry and thank you -it is probably much older than we would all think.

My own children learnt through example, I never set out to teach them the words, they just picked it up through copying. Interestingly neither of my children will say sorry to each other (they will say 'porridge' instead), I sometimes think this is because I say it too often, I tend to say it even if something wasn't my fault.

[sarah707]

I just say it automatically and I think the children copy and say it in appropriate situations.

I never force a young child to say sorry though - they have to understand it and what it means.

It is a tricky one but as a society we expect certain level of respect and we have to teach children so they fit in society / prepare them for school etc

[christine e]

I am currently learning Spanish and one of my teachers (she is Spanish) is always saying the we (English) over use the word 'sorry'. When she first came to UK she could not understand why to buses displayed 'sorry not in service'.

Like Sarah I hope that I set a good example to the children in my care and that they learn to say please, thank you and sorry. I encourage children to say sorry but do not insist on it because I want them to say sorry and mean it.

[Maza]

I think you have a very important message here Simona, and one of which we all need to be aware. The best way to teach is to be a good role model ourselves. It is belittling to publicly demand that a child say those words and makes them very self conscious and uncomfortable. I do believe that manners are vital and that we need to teach the child the manners appropriate to the country in which the child currently lives, otherwise we are doing them a disservice. I have taught DD to sign 'thank you' as she doesn't always feel comfortable speaking. Role play with puppets can be very effective for modelling those words in a fun impersonal way.

[loocyloo]

I used to do holiday care for a little boy with additional needs and very little language. he came for 2, 3 hour sessions each week. after going back to school in September, his teachers told me they were amazed at the improvement in his language, and that he said thank you in context every time, and please pretty much when ever he wanted anything. I said I hadn't actively taught him these words, just that we used them and he must have picked them up! ( is it dreadful to say that I hadn't really noticed that he wasn't saying them in the first place? ... but I think because he copied what I said, I just didn't notice )

[AliceK]

I don't ever try and force a child to say anything but I model expected behaviour all the time. So for instance when I put childrens meals down in front of them at the table I say thankyou, for younger ones it seems to teach them to say it too, for older ones it's a reminder to them to say it. I always say please and thank you to the children and when they show me the same good manners back I praise them for it. I don't tell any child to say Sorry to anyone but I say sorry if I have accidently bumped / poked someone etc. My 2 x 2yr olds will sometimes say sorry but most of the time they will either hug or stroke another child if they have upset them / hurt them. I think children learn by the behaviour they see around them so if I model good / polite behaviour they seem to naturally copy it.

xxxxx

[MessybutHappy]

With my own, the one time I do ask for a "thank you" is if the children have been given a gift, or entertained, for example at the end of a play date. If the don't say it spontaneously, I remind them, either with "what do you say" or "X, you've had a lovely time, so you should say thank you", depending on their age.

We also expect a "Thank you for my dinner play may I leave the table" from each child.

I mind an 18 month old who's mum is very clear that she wants him to sign please before he gets anything!

I don't demand sorry, but am clear on when I think its called for, and I also pull them up when they say it but don't mean it - e.g. sorry I'm kicking the table, but still doing it!

We sometimes comment that the please or thank you bank seems a bit empty and could they (please!) disappear and find some more? This tends to be when they're dropping into "I want" mode, rather than "may I have" mode, with the latter, a missing please isn't an issue, with the former it definitely is!!

[charlottenash]

With sorry it's best to get them saying it, by teaching 'when we do something wrong, or we make someone feel bad we say sorry'. Once they seem to grasp this, I ask them 'you've made X feel sad by kicking them, what do you think we could say to make it better?' If they say sorry, great eventually they will do it unprompted. If they say something else, let them, then say 'if I made someone feel sad in that way, I would have said sorry'. This gives them the confidence to do the right thing.

Never implement sorry with any physical contact - hug etc.

[Zoomie]

Yesterday I went into my DDs school and spoke to her class about the country where I was born, and I made some traditional food. I am only fluent in English but know 'words' in various indigenous languages. However I wanted to tell the children how to say please and thank you in a certain language and when I asked DH what please was (already knowing thank you), he didn't know. He called a friend who also didn't know. Finally they found the word on line and everyone we have asked since then (know language as a second / third language), has never heard of the word either.