Unhappy with own child
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  1. #1
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    Default Unhappy with own child

    I'm having an aaarrghhh day.

    I have a rare day off - well until school pick up anyway - and went to clean my teenage son's bedroom, only to find that the heap of freshly washed and ironed shirts left on the bed for hanging in his wardrobe had ended up on the floor and look like they have been kicked around - in short a crumpled mess. This is not the first time - it is a constant bugbear that he does not bother to put his laundry way, even though I say when he comes in (as if it were not blooming obvious) there is a heap of ironing on your bed = please put it away.

    What on earth can I do about it? I have threatened not to iron them, but he would just wear them crumpled (even dirty I suspect if I did not wash them). I have tried stopping his pocket money - he is resentful but not motivated to do anything about it as he spends very little and is not very materialistic. He actually does very little to help about the house. Even if I offer to pay him to clean the car or cut the grass he has a debate with himself about whether he can be bothered and the answer is often that he can't. To be fair he does work quite hard at his schoolwork and get good results - but I think he sees that as doing his bit and that he shouldn't be asked to do anything else. I think he would live at school if he could, or failing that with his head in a book.

    It's not just about having a messy room, or even having to do the laundry again, it's that he cares so little about anything I try to do for him and that he wouldn't care a bit if I worked around the clock to keep him fed and clothed.

    I think this is sort of related to childminding in that as I work at home I feel the pressure is all on me to keep the house looking nice and nobody else in the family feels that pressure. They do a bit if directly asked but it's always to help me out, not a shared responsibility, and they generally think I will be forced to pick up and clean after them because it is me who has to be here all day and maintain a certain standard, not least because I have parents coming round all the time. They also seem to have this attitude that I am at home anyway so can fit in some jobs somehow (ignoring the fact that I am actually out quite a lot of the time and even when home generally have several children to look after and entertain). I feel at the end of my tether and that I am being forced down the track of giving up my job because I just can't fit it all in - but then it would be housework and errands all week long.

    I can feel myself getting more and more desperate and sorry for myself. Please say something wise and encouraging!

  2. #2
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    My dd is the same, she's 11 but older both physically and emotionally.
    Her room usually looks like world war 3 has broken out. I find clothes, clean and dirty everywhere. In heaps, over her bed, chair, under her bed. Dirty dishes and full cups of tea or hot chocolate with fur on top. I ask her to tidy up and she either moans or has a tantrum, I ask her to do simple tasks like emptying the dishwasher and you would think Id given her a list with the whole of the roads chores on

    Last night I asked her to do the dishwasher, she moaned and cried so I added another chore on, she moaned again so I added another one. SO she ended up emptying the dishwasher, sorting out some clean clothes in a pile and hoovering up some sand she had brought in with a friend earlier from the local sand park
    Funnily enough she stopped moaning
    She would go out like an orphan and occasionally does, with food stains and mud on her clothes, a hole or crumpled (was ironed) clothes.

    Have you sat him down and explained that you are really busy and you would just like him to do 1 thing a day?
    Its a real drag in this house but I'm being tough on dd
    Time Out.. The perfect time for thinking about what you're going to destroy next.

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  4. #3
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    I could so easily write a similar post about my son 12, all his shirts were on hangers ready to go into his cupboard hanging on his door handle, did they no they ended up in the doorway in a heap! I spent all my time when not working cooking or cleaning so I decided to get tough one day and didn't cook tea for my family just for myself (I'd had a bad day) the shock on all their faces so I then asked them out of all the daily chores that needed doing what did they help with - none, so i said why should I then be responsible to do everything and what stopped them from cooking an evening meal I did go on to make tea for everyone else but with their help. It has improved things a little my ds12 will now sometimes wash some dishes or other small jobs without being asked but don't know how long it will last!

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    I have 4 dc's all in their 20's now and they were exactly the same...

    You have a normal teenager and I'd love to say that things improve as they get older but my ds age 20 is always far to busy at work and having a social life to clean his room...

    Try and focus on the good things he does like his school work because you are lucky to have a ds that puts a lot of effort into his school work, I know what you mean about us being at home so we are expected to shop and do housework but I just remind my lot that I actually work more hours than them.

    Teenage years are frustrating for us parents but you will get through it
    Jane xxx

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    I have two boys now 19 & 20 both have always done and still do household chores hoovering, washing up, stripping beds, putting rubbish out and bins out on bin day, they will go to the supermarket etc but will they hang their clothes up no they will not nor will they put dirty washing in the basket until l ask them to, the younger one is very fashion conscious but will not hang his clothes up the other one isn't so bothered about fashion but has to wear shirts to work he will iron them if l havn't had time but nothing else is hung up it drives me mad but have decided to stop stressing if they want to treat their clothes like that let them get on with it.

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    Have to agree with Jane, unfortunately its normal! I just try and ignore the state of the bedrooms and just glad I don't sleep in them! My oldest is twenty one and has really about changed and sometimes gets in a flap with the other who is fifteen about being lazy and not doing jobs, I just giggle to myself as he seems to forget he was even worse. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

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    I think you have two choices, either ignore, or (like a previous post about tea (funny!)) make the punishment fit the crime and explain that if they can't keep their clothes tidy, then all the items not needed for school get put in a black bin bag and placed out of reach until the child changes their ways! I allowed two items back each night the room was tidy. Clothes left in a snotty heap get returned to the black bag... I still have many of them, but progress has been made! May not work so well on bigger children?

    I tried not to mind, but it's my money that paid for a lot of them!!

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    Just iron school uniform, you could even store it in your own wardrobe so it stays nice and have him ask for whatever he needs everyday. He might get the point then, although that is kind of passive aggressive but it might work.

    Let him either iron his own civi clothes, or wear them crumpled. It's not really going to hurt you, honest. I know cos my teenagers clothes look shocking sometimes, and I survive lol. If they are going out though, they have to iron their kit or they don't go out. End of story.

    Pick your battles.

    But clothes, bedroom etc shouldn't be getting you upset. It really really is normal. Kids do not see the need to maintain order in their bedrooms, so just go with it. As long as he doesn't take food in there he isn't really going to come to any harm.

    The other stuff though, having no interest in his role in the family, gotta say he needs to get a grip. He NEEDS to be given responsibility in order to learn responsibility. He needs something within his family that he is responsible for. His family need to know they can count on him, and he needs to know he can count on them. So to that end dad needs to step up too and find something within the home that he is responsible for and seen to be responsible for. And not paid to do something like cut the grass, wash the pots etc, but just responsible for. All of us in families have responsibilities to be a contributing member of that family, to be part of what keeps us all together. His school work, your childminding, dads job, they don't count as familial responsibility.

    I think I might sound bossy and mean there, but I don't mean to.

  11. #9
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    Thank you all - definitely feeling a bit better now.

    I think I will have to do a combination of these approaches. Maybe be a bit more laid back about the general state of the bedroom while taking a firmer line on helping out around the house more generally. The thought of not making tea for everyone made me laugh - they would all be in tears or die of shock. I may have to hold that in reserve!

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  13. #10
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    My son is 11 and actually very helpful, I dread the day it changes!

    He will make his bed, strip it on a tuesday, washing makes it into the basket, empty the dishwasher/load it, hoover as soon as I finish work all without asking (I think going to boarding school has made him realise tidy is better, his dorm must get in a right state with 5 others haha!)

    His 9 yr old sister on the other hand...............

  14. #11
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    ...now there's an idea - boarding school!

  15. #12
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    Don't stress over it life is too short and the only one that suffers is you!! kids, husbands don't 'see' mess like we do!! I will wash my kids clothes if they put them in the wash basket or by the machine! I shut the door on my daughters room and let her get on with it really! I fold her clothes and she will iron when she needs to..
    I have tried so many times to get them help, helping out sat mornings etc. But now I just say can you do such and such NOW!! Think of yourself! Have you heard of Flylady?!! I have taken on board some of her thinking! You are not alone

  16. #13
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    I have 3 teenagers 15, 17, 19 and two step teens at the weekend...I will wash any clothes that are bought down in a basket and them put them in the basket and return to the landing outside their bedroom door...after that I take no responsibility...school uniforms I ask for at the end of the week and work clothes and have always made them iron on a sunday since starting year 7.....I have a rota for emptying the dishwasher, kitchen bins, feeding rabbit etc and each has a price next to if that person doesn't do it straight away its offered out to anyone wanting extra pocket money...it works brilliantly and my stepsons often pick up the weekend jobs giving them extra cash as they don't recieve pocket money at home and gives my kids a day or two off....they all have good work ethic now 3 having small jobs babysitting etc and the older two now work full time so do less at home leaving extra jobs for the youngest to pick up and earn more money from. I ignore bedrooms only asking for pots to be bought down at breakfast and once a month have a total ban on friends/girlfriends visiting etc until bedrooms are "mum cleaned" ie to my standard including clean sheets etc...its not perfect but it works and I even managed a week away with hubby and came home to a clean tidy home at the end

  17. #14
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    I love your pocket money ideas! Brilliant!

  18. #15
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    I have two boys, 18 and 14. I do not go into their rooms, I can't stand the mess and got to the point if they want to live like they do, it's their problem.
    I just keep the door shut so I don't have to view it.
    The 18yr old now does his own laundry, and has done for about a year. We had to let him make mistakes, not have the clean clothes he needed, go out less 'smart' than we liked, but he soon found his stride, now we make sure the washing machine and dryer is free on a Saturday afternoon so he knows it's time for his use. My younger son is now at the stage that if his washing is not in the utility room it doesn't get washed. This has resulted in no clean uniform on a Monday and no washed sports kit..... but they soon learn. As for chores they are required to empty and fill dishwasher arranging it between themselves; if they are in at meal times we cook for them, if not they cook their own food and clean up after themselves. My advise is decide what you would like them to be doing and stick to it; let them learn by there own mistakes. If they have to go out in dirty crumpled clothes, don't worry sometimes peer pressure can work to our advantage too........
    God Bless xx T

  19. #16
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    My dd has to do jobs to earn pocket money but it's a flat rate and she's starting to get lazy with them. So the money will reduce. I used to do 50p a job when she was little and she loved it at first. I'm thinking of introducing an earnings.chart so she can earn more if she wants extra. Maybe she can be my accountant! She's 16 and better at maths than me. But what price do you put on each job? Sorry to jump in on your thread!
    I also get frustrated at her room but now just make sure she shuts the door! Amazing how spotless she leaves it of a morning if her friends are coming round though!
    Last edited by littlemiss60561; 17-10-2013 at 11:26 PM.

  20. #17
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    I work it so that if each child does their job as written on the rota by the end of the week it adds up to £10....of course if they don't its less....I don't pay out for friends birthday presents, cinema or rollerworld etc it all comes from their pocket money so less money means they can do less but on the upside if they need a little extra they bargain with their siblings to do their jobs....my daughter dances until late 3 nights a week but is home at 3.45 so her jobs involve helping me over tea with the minded children ie playing with babies or helping with crafts and she hoovers and mops the playroom one evening cleaning all my toys etc when I go to zumba to get her pocket money.

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