Child won't join in

[shimmy]

Hi, I am very new to minding and after some advice please!

I have a little boy aged 4 who will be coming to me after school from September but is coming for 2 full days a week over the holidays to get settled.

His mum hasn't completed the all about me questionnaire I sent her even though I have asked 4 times now and hasn't given me any ideas of what he enjoys/dislikes despite me keeping on asking in different ways. She said he eats everything but so far he has refused dinner at mine everyday and asked why I keep giving him funny dinners and when i mentioned this and asked for ideas on what he does like to eat, his mum and dad have given me nothing.

We went out to feed the ducks and he froze a he was scared of the water, I told mum and she said "oh yeah, he does get like that".

We go to the park and he stands outside the fence and runs up and down the hill the whole time while the other children play.

I plan activities but he doesn't want to have a go. He plays by himself with the toy cars or trains. I try to involve these in what we are playing but he doesn't want to know.

I have asked him to let me know what he enjoys and he just says playing on the wii. I setup the wii for a little bit today but then after it was turned off, he asked all day again.

I'm really struggling as I don't want him to be unhappy but it is hard to look after my own 3 when they are playing with the shaving foam or outside but he doesn't want to join in with anything or anyone.

Is this normal? I'm not sure if it is just that he isn't settled but I am struggling to plan things to do as I don't know what he likes. I have asked mum again this evening over email but no reply as yet.

He gets very cross if he has played with a toy once that day and another child then goes to play with it. he was physically pulling my 2 year old off of the toys today even though he had moved on to look at something else. He raises his hand and says he is going to smack her and gets very cross.

I'm sorry for the waffle just grateful for any advice anyone has please?

Thank you
H x

[blue bear]

Has he been to pre school, has mum been given lj and or summative assessment you can have a look at. Maybe offer to go to her house to look at if if she never remembers to bring anything to you.
It could be he is not used to being in a group abdwill take a little while to come to terms with it and will need to do his own thing for a while. Possibly the activities are a bit off the wall for him if he ususally just plays on the wii.
Have you been to his house, what is the set up like what sort of toys does he have, may be forget something at home time and pop it round so you can take a look inside?

I'd probably steer clear of the wii and keep offering a variety of resources, let him set his own pace and maybe give him some space to play alone until he is ready to mix with the other children.

I would be writing up obs and concerns over his behaviour which is not typical for his age and maybe have a chat with teacher once he settles at school and yours.

[migimoo]

If you look at my posts i've got one almost identical to yours-only interested in the Wii and will sit and look sad or trail behind when everyone else is having fun-if I offer him a choice of A or B he'd want choice C!
Have mentioned it to mum but she looks at me oddly as if i'm the one with a problem...tbh it's very hard to be enthusiastic when he arrives as I know he'll just whinge and moan all day and spoil the other children's fun -tried to include him in our planning and he suggested going on the Wii!!

SO frustrating i know and i've found nothing to get him out of this i'm afraid so i'm not much help, just nice to know you're not alone.

[AliceK]

I think sadly that some children just don't know "how" to play. They spend all their time on electronic games, wii, DS etc that they have never really had the chance to do some good old fashioned playing.

xxx

[mushpea]

i would let him play and get on with it, ask him once if he wants to join in then if he says no dont worry about it, you cant force him to join in, if your outside doing somthing or in a different room then I personally would insisit on him being in the same room or the garden with me incase somthing happend to either him or one of the others, prehaps he can bring the toys hes playing with with him.
if he has finished with a toy and gets grumpy with another child for playing with it then I would tell him he has to share and that if he cant share the toys then prehaps he shouldnt be playing with them. If he gets nasty towards the others remove him from the room and have a chat about how he feels, what makes him feel angry, why dosent he want the others to play, and then explain its not nice to talk to others this way.
If he is an only child and never been to playgroup or had to share this may be a new concept to him , at home he may be able to put a toy down then go back to it later and cant understand why your other children wont leave the toys alone. I appricitate he is olde enough to understand sharing but it may be hard for him if hes never had to do it.

[shimmy]

Thank you for replying to me. I think he is my challenge and I'm determined to get somewhere with him. As far as I can tell, he just plays on computer games at home or watches tv. It makes me quite sad really as he is so little. He starts full time school this week but he is going to be with me before school and after school most days until 6. I have managed to get him to join in afew times over the holidays but I think he just needs to sit on the outside a bit first and see how much fun the others are having and gradually join in.

I'm going to find something I can engage him with, it's just hard when the parents give you no pointers at all!

[sarah707]

Some children really struggle with any kind of activities - like alicek says they are probably experts on the wii and using a remote control

All you can do is keep offering and keep encouraging but don't be upset if he chooses not to participate.

And remember - you are brilliant for worrying about it and trying so hard to engage him!

[gegele]

i had 2 brothers like this when i started minding. only played wii at home as family of 4 children and it was what kept them busy from trashing house!!
when not on wii would always just start play fight but like sibing do...til on cry!!

anyway my 2pennies worth:

OUTDOORS as much as possible i'e long walk with climbing and gathering, picking up things....

they quite enjoyed a mission : let's do an autumn big sticking and painting: I put strip of wall paper on a piece of ply wood outside that they painted with brushes and sponges and then we went for walks with pickes acorns, sticks....and stuck them on with double sticky tape.

I asked them to create an obstacle course outside for all of us to go through so they had to think of lo as well

INDOORS: JUNK MODELING
collect as much as you can, maybe create a robot make a story.....

He needs to have his brain working like when he plays game.

I used the wii as a reward with those boys. If they made an effort during the day and behave ( we had behaviour issues) then they could have 30min on the wii if we couldn't go swimming.



he probably won't join in anything messy at the beginning. The younger one discover quite a liking in crafts after a while.

maybe talk about his favourite game to start conversation and see if you can plan something from conversation. the oldest was really shy, suspected asperger, but once i started him on subject we had great chat and she got closer.

good luck
good luck

having a