furious!

**carolyn01** · 10-08-2012, 07:09 PM

I am now pacing up and down fuming!

I had a little girl start on tuesday 8 - 6 pm no problems. She is only 10 months old but a sweet little girl. Today dad drops her at 8.30 (thought she was coming at 8 but he said don't worry 8 or 9 don't worry you will still be paid from 8 (as he and wife claiming tax credits).

Anyway today he came to pick her up at 5.30 (thought he was coming at 6) and I was upstairs with her. She had been crying as she was asleep and dog has barked at children playing outside and it had woken her (dog was downstairs). Anyway, I picked her up and she was quite upset and I heard banging on door, so dog barked some more, which made her cry again. I went downstairs, put dog in other room, and door banging again. I opened it and dad said ' why is my daughter crying? She has been crying for ages I can tell I know my daughter' as she was now crying a lot and catching her breath as they do when they get themselves in a state). Then he said,' I phoned you twice and you hung up I'm not stupid!'. I was so shocked I said 'I don't even have my phone on my it's in my bag I didn't hang up I hadn't even heard it!'. He said 'I'm not stupid'. I said 'I'm not lying' and he said 'I'm not arguing with you'. Then he took his daughter and left saying he will drop my money in on Tuesday as I'm on holiday on wednesday and he asked this morning if he could pay me tuesday. I said I needed the money for my holiday and he said tax credits arn't n paying his wife until wednesday. Stupidly and because I'm desperate for children I agreed to start last Tuesday with no deposit etc and do contracts after my holiday if we are both happy. He has paid me today for Tuesday worked. Anyway after he went home I checked my phone and no missed calls!

I phoned him to tell him and he said 'are you saying i'm a liar' and why are you phoning me to tell me this? I said 'to let you know I'm not lying and I didn't cut you off as you said i did!' He said 'so are you saying i'm a liar' I said no but I wanted you to know Im not lying either! He said 'maybe it was a bad signal then'. I said ' do you still want me to have your daughter then?' and he shouted at me 'yes you still have her'. I am livid and I don't ever swear!

**migimoo** · 10-08-2012, 07:26 PM

I'd bring it up with mum if she drops off or collects and just stress that you would never leave her child unattended and were upset by the accusation-hopefully dad's just a bit overprotective.

I just think with my parents a lot of the time it's the dads who can be a bit abrupt,
I care for a little boy from Ghana and his parents are always so grateful and very respectful as they say i'm 'so gentle' with their baby and that in their culture they have had very strict,authoritarian upbringings.

Hopefully it'll all be ok once everyone's calmed down.

**carolyn01** · 10-08-2012, 07:30 PM

Thank you for your reply - I know I'm really not racist but I have had two incidents in twelve years and both same culture and they speak to me like i'm a stupid woman! The mum unfortunately hardly speaks any English so its all done through dad but I would love to explain to her how he has been with me.

**FussyElmo** · 10-08-2012, 07:50 PM

Then dont be spoken to like that.

When you have calmed tell him you dont appreciate being spoken to like that in your own home and if it happens again you will be giving immediate notice. As for the missed calls has he actually got your number right in his phone. if not then someone may have hung up on him - just a thought.

I think that a lesson to be learnt here is never to be paid in arrears and with no contract regardless of how desparate you are for children . With no contract in place if he doesnt pay you you will find it extermly hard to get it from him.

**mushpea** · 10-08-2012, 08:04 PM

I think I would ring him back when I was calmer and ask him to come around for a meeting regarding the incident so you be given the chance to explain everything,, i would also be telling him that he obviously has the wrong phone number and giving him the correct phone number.
at the meeting I would tell him whilst you understand his concerns you are not happy to be spoken to in that way .

**watgem** · 10-08-2012, 08:16 PM

also make sure you log everything in a diary, dates times, what was said etc. Do you have unnacceptable behaviour by parents (or something simliar ) in your policies? I state in mine that if any parent is abusive/threatening/racist etc I will immediately terminate the contract and will not refund any monies paid. Perhaps he needs to be reminded of your policies?I realise that you probably do not want to lose the money from this LO but I would think very carefully about whether you arre willing to tolerate this behaviour-it could have been very frightening for other minded children, how would their parents feel knowing their children may have witnessed this? good luck sending you big hugsxxx

**carolyn01** · 10-08-2012, 08:18 PM

Hi Ladies,

well the strangest thing is he does have the right phone no as he phoned me in the morning to tell me he couldn't pay me and would i still have her today. I think he just had a poor signal and thought I cut him off but he wouldn't let me even justify myself. I get the feeling he is just an unreasonable person and as its short term (mid October) I am not going to bother even discussing it further with him. I am still mad and its 4 hours later!

**bunyip** · 10-08-2012, 08:24 PM

I agree. He has no right to speak to you like that. So sorry that you've been upset. It sounds like you really care about this little girl and want to do your best. Can understand your anger at having it thrown in your face like that.

I'd want a meeting to resolve a few issues. On top of what others have mentioned, I'd point out that:-

Fees will be payable in advance irrespective of when they receive their tax credits. No fee - no care - no exception.
Drop off and collection will be at the agreed time, as you plan your day around the times they have requested care. (You can't make them do this, as they have parental rights, but make it clear that you'd appreciate them sticking to what has been agreed.)
First and last warning If he ever speaks to you in this agressive manner again, the contract will be terminated immediately.
When he bangs on the door, you'll get there when you can, but the dog barks. When he bangs again, you'll still get there when you can, but the dog will bark even more. Has he got this?
Babies cry. It's what they do. If she happens to be crying when collected it's not because you're a bad CM, it's because she's a baby. If dad has a problem with that, he should get another CM, find it happens again, get a third CM, and keep going through perfectly good CMs until he finally figures out he'd have been better off not having children, getting 'it' snipped and buying a goldfish instead.

I am aware that cultural things can influence behaviour, but I'd keep it out of the conversation.

**Chatterbox Childcare** · 10-08-2012, 08:46 PM

I would make sure he has your correct telephone number too...

**Tatjana** · 10-08-2012, 08:51 PM

Originally Posted by carolyn01

I am now pacing up and down fuming!

I had a little girl start on tuesday 8 - 6 pm no problems. She is only 10 months old but a sweet little girl. Today dad drops her at 8.30 (thought she was coming at 8 but he said don't worry 8 or 9 don't worry you will still be paid from 8 (as he and wife claiming tax credits).

Anyway today he came to pick her up at 5.30 (thought he was coming at 6) and I was upstairs with her. She had been crying as she was asleep and dog has barked at children playing outside and it had woken her (dog was downstairs). Anyway, I picked her up and she was quite upset and I heard banging on door, so dog barked some more, which made her cry again. I went downstairs, put dog in other room, and door banging again. I opened it and dad said ' why is my daughter crying? She has been crying for ages I can tell I know my daughter' as she was now crying a lot and catching her breath as they do when they get themselves in a state). Then he said,' I phoned you twice and you hung up I'm not stupid!'. I was so shocked I said 'I don't even have my phone on my it's in my bag I didn't hang up I hadn't even heard it!'. He said 'I'm not stupid'. I said 'I'm not lying' and he said 'I'm not arguing with you'. Then he took his daughter and left saying he will drop my money in on Tuesday as I'm on holiday on wednesday and he asked this morning if he could pay me tuesday. I said I needed the money for my holiday and he said tax credits arn't n paying his wife until wednesday. Stupidly and because I'm desperate for children I agreed to start last Tuesday with no deposit etc and do contracts after my holiday if we are both happy. He has paid me today for Tuesday worked. Anyway after he went home I checked my phone and no missed calls!

I phoned him to tell him and he said 'are you saying i'm a liar' and why are you phoning me to tell me this? I said 'to let you know I'm not lying and I didn't cut you off as you said i did!' He said 'so are you saying i'm a liar' I said no but I wanted you to know Im not lying either! He said 'maybe it was a bad signal then'. I said ' do you still want me to have your daughter then?' and he shouted at me 'yes you still have her'.

I was with you all the way until I read your last few sentences.

I always find the statement of "I'm not racist but..." is in fact the total opposite.

Pipsqueak · 10-08-2012, 09:07 PM

Originally Posted by Tatjana

I was with you all the way until I read your last few sentences. He didn't speak to you like that because he's black, he spoke to you like that because that is the person he is. You should take people as the individuals they are and not assume anything because people are a certain race/religion.

I always find the statement of "I'm not racist but..." is in fact the total opposite.

oh i think that is a bit hasty and harsh.
I don't think the OP meant in that way but was aware of how it was going to come across - hence the justification clause.
I get where she is coming from , a very good childminder friend of mine has has three very similar problems with parents and all the parents were asian. She concluded it was a cultural thing in the way that she was spoken to... that is ALL - she never thought it was because they were brown/pink/orange or purple....cultural rather than colour

no different to me growing up ( a good few years ago) and the towns first black family moved in just across the road from us. I was extremly good friends with the children the same age and their mum was just amazing.. to me she was very exotic i suppose is the word. however, the way she talked to people was different and it was a cultural thing not because she was black .

please don't see racism where there is none

**carolyn01** · 10-08-2012, 09:09 PM

Hi Tatjana,

I know I shouldn't have put about his afro carribean origin - it wasn't relevant and I apologise for that. I just didn't feel respected by him and he wouldn't even let me justify myself and I have never had that problem before with other people. I do wonder though if a different culture do treat women differently?

**Tatjana** · 10-08-2012, 09:39 PM

Originally Posted by carolyn01

Hi Tatjana,

I know I shouldn't have put about his afro carribean origin - it wasn't relevant and I apologise for that. I just didn't feel respected by him and he wouldn't even let me justify myself and I have never had that problem before with other people. I do wonder though if a different culture do treat women differently?

Yes of course, I would agree that certain cultures do treat women differently, but we have to remember that not all people in those cultures agree with it or behave in the same manner, I hope you understand what I mean.

Thank you for realising his origins weren't relevant to the story, bringing his ethnicity into it is what I found alarming.

Regardless of this, he was rude to you and I wouldn't stand for it!

**Tatjana** · 10-08-2012, 09:45 PM

Originally Posted by Pipsqueak

oh i think that is a bit hasty and harsh.
I don't think the OP meant in that way but was aware of how it was going to come across - hence the justification clause.
I get where she is coming from , a very good childminder friend of mine has has three very similar problems with parents and all the parents were asian. She concluded it was a cultural thing in the way that she was spoken to... that is ALL - she never thought it was because they were brown/pink/orange or purple....cultural rather than colour

no different to me growing up ( a good few years ago) and the towns first black family moved in just across the road from us. I was extremly good friends with the children the same age and their mum was just amazing.. to me she was very exotic i suppose is the word. however, the way she talked to people was different and it was a cultural thing not because she was black .

please don't see racism where there is none

It started off with a gripe about a parent, then the OP brought up the parents race and a previous problem with the same race that always think they're right....I can only read what was written, so I don't think I was harsh, op put herself in that position.

I have never seen any purple people.

**carolyn01** · 10-08-2012, 09:52 PM

Ha ha that made me laugh - purple people

Am feeling a bit calmer now.

Pipsqueak · 10-08-2012, 10:07 PM

Originally Posted by Tatjana

It started off with a gripe about a parent, then the OP brought up the parents race and a previous problem with the same race that always think they're right....I can only read what was written, so I don't think I was harsh, op put herself in that position.

I have never seen any purple people.

I reguarly see purple people but that could just be my radged state!! lol

**jaja** · 10-08-2012, 10:18 PM

Would ask the parents for a meeting, i would also start a diary and write down everything which was said, when, where, response ect it helps when you look back over things and can pin point when things were said, i always write stuff down even if i dont need it then you might in the future xx

**carolyn01** · 10-08-2012, 10:26 PM

I honestly don't think I will get anywhere with a meeting, mum hardly speaks English and I find it hard to understand dad. Im on holiday for a week next week and then only four weeks and I'm finished with them. I am just going to do my job best I can, but i'm a bit worried if she was ever to cry just before he picks her up again.

Thank you for everyone who has replied and given me support. I love this forum

**gegele** · 11-08-2012, 12:34 AM

hello,

I'm not black, nor white, apparently "olive" in english -yet not green

BUT I'm french and when i started speaking english i had LOADS of problem! I am a straight forward person who says things as they are which in itself isn't always the best thing to build relationship

but more importantly my poor knowledge of english grammar and "culture" had a few people upset.

I was working in the bar and the bar staff thought i was a rude tyran because i would say : "you do the glasses and you clean the ashtrays" I was told by an other french speaker that i was suppose to say "can you...." to which i answer " but i know she can i showed her how to!!"

i'm better now, but still struggle at times so i tend to aologize first ah ah ah ah ah

he heard his child cry, he got upset.... I wouldn't have phone him, i'd wait until everyone calm down...especially me

**Kiddleywinks** · 11-08-2012, 08:25 AM

Originally Posted by gegele

I was working in the bar and the bar staff thought i was a rude tyran because i would say : "you do the glasses and you clean the ashtrays" I was told by an other french speaker that i was suppose to say "can you...." to which i answer " but i know she can i showed her how to!!"

I do that, nothing to do with any culture, just me being 'bossy'