Hi i'll try and make this as brief as I can.

Iv'e got a daughter who is 14. She is normally a lovely quiet child but she's got in with the wrong crowd at school and I feel shes started going downhill in school and out. She did something weekend before last that I found out about and I grounded her. The day she was grounded she woke up and refused to get in the car with me and the children I mind (it was half term). I had to go and suggested she went to her dads for the day as didn't know what else to do. The reason I did this is because she has said if I make her do things she doesn't want to do she will make up ive hit her. This happened on another occasion when she was being rude and I said ide take her phone off her.

She is currently staying with her dad and has been there for 11 days now. I have fought and fought to get her back going through child services, school and various other methods all to no avail.

The advice im now given as a last resort is to call the police to get her returned. This is a drastic measure and one that will break my heart but she lives here. She is not a horrible harmful child just a typical moody teenager who has done this because her stepdad gives her no boundaries.

Basically everyone ive spoken to has suggested I call Ofsted to cover my own back before she comes back so there are no issues if god forbid she should carry through her threat. I just wondered if anyone knew if there wa sa specific number I call and how I word it as it all seems so silly to me.

Any help would be appreciated.x

I think you've got 2 issues going on here.

First your dd is rebelling, gone to her dad's house, you want her home.

Second your dd is threatening to make an allegation against you which could get you shut down and lose you your business.

If you want to keep your business I really think you need to tackle them separately.

She has to understand and accept and get over the fact that you have rules - you won't be threatened - she has to live by them because they are in place to keep her safe. You agree not to sweat the little stuff in return.

Then, tackle the allegations and make sure she knows the damage she would cause to you, herself, your lives, her siblings, the house, the car, everything in her life she holds dear will disappear.

Hugs xx

Could you write her a letter explaining everything? It's hard to vocalise everything as you interrupt each other, go off on tangents etc.

Sending you hugs and strength. Come on here if you need someone to talk to. xxx

Without sounding funny and I know this might hurt but if she is choosing to stay at her dads why not just let her. She is old enough to have a say in who she stays with and if you try and force her home it will only make your relationship worse. As said above I would right her a letter explaining how you feel, try and arrange to meet up and talk and try and build bridges whilst she is still with her dad. If things improve she may eventually come home anyway. I clashed big time with my mum and always did. I was older but ended up moving in with my dad in my teens after a row with my mum. I didn't go back to my mums but I have a much stronger relationship with my mum as a result. I'm also a lot closer to my dad too and even now I would say it was the best thing I ever did. Her moving in with her dad doesn't mean she doesn't love you, teens can just be hard work sometimes. Give her some space to calm down. When she does come home I would contact ofsted just in case too.

Hun this sounds like such a stressful situation...I really feel for you x

I can't offer any advice about the ofsted side of things but unless there is a court order in place denying/limiting Dads access then the police have no power (hubby is a police officer). If Dad has parental responsibility too and she is choosing to live with him then there's not much they can do unless it's been through the courts. A policeman doesn't have the power to decide which parent a child should be living with unfortunately, it has to be decided in court.

I guess you just have to keep the channels of communication open with them both and make sure she knows your door is always open...

Thanks for the replies.

Ok something ive read back and realised I haven't put is he's her stepdad not her biological dad. He has brought her up for 10 years though. (He's also a special police officer) Apparantly this makes no odds so long as she is safe. The fact she sleeps on the sofa, is left at home on her own at times & has no rules etc doesn't seem to matter.

I went round to see her yesterday (first agreed visit in 12 days) she didn't want me there and her body language said exactly that. We went round in circles. I had no luck in anything I asked her. She has been put on report at school and I gave her a chance to tell me and she didn't. My ex doesn't know as yet re report. Tells me he knows everything going on at school and I worry too much (not what the teachers say). I told her how upset I was over threats to tell people ide done stuff that would runi my job etc..she denied it but then later said she had said it but it was a long time ago so not to go over it?

I also found out about a camping trip on Friday night, unfortunately after the event. I asked my ex if he knew..he said yes and they were fine he checked on them numerous times ( up rd from his house) what he misinformed me of was the fact there were 2 lads there, one who sends my daughter explicit things online, he is also my ex's girlfriends son.

We left the conversation yesterday as a shared care option. Dd wants 2 days with me because she has to and 5 with my ex..i said no and she argued and said it was going to be a no. She said to go to court over it if need be??

I feel totally out of control and at a loss but have decided the only route is to contact her daily and let her know I care and im here. Ive had no reply off her or my ex since yesterday. My friend rung me last night to tell me she'd seen dd walking round town at 7.30pm but still had no reply from her when I asked her what she was doing.

Not sure what to do re Ofsted or how to word it really as know she will have to come back at some point and think she will be worse than ever.

Thanks for your replies x

Oh, you poor thing.

I'm sorry, I have no advice at all, but wonder, is this something you need to tell Ofsted? If you've spoken to school, child services etc, could they keep a record of everything that's been said and back you up if the need ever arose? Are you planning to tell Ofsted because you think she might make some allegations against you? If she does, I guess they would have to investigate whether or not you had already warned them it may happen. It might be pointless telling them now if they would only have to investigate later anyway.

Personally, as it's a family matter, I would hold off telling Ofsted, but would make sure other people knew of the threats.

As Mouse has said I would deal with this as a personal situation - you need to think of you and your long term relationship with your daughter first, I would try to work with the other professional agencies like school and social services before you notify Ofsted. Teenagers are hard, my youngest is just coming up 18 and we seem to have a love or hate relationship that can change in the blink of an eye. I spend most of my time bitting my tongue!

I have been trying to research your question about Ofsted for you.

The only thing I can come up with is that there have been a number of occasions recently where children have made often quite silly / off the cuff / false safeguarding comments - when Ofsted arrive following a parent complaint they have been very tough on the childminder for not informing them.

The childminder has said - but it wasn't that important - and the inspector has said - all safeguarding is important.

I can't tell you to ring them or not to ring them. I am just sharing with you the information I have discovered trawling through recent reports.

I think your daughter has to realise how much she is risking your business and stop her allegations before it spirals out of control.

hugs xx