Funeral etiquette ASAP please

[venus89]

A quick question. My poor next door neighbour lost a very long battle with cancer a couple of weeks ago and her funeral is today. They'll be leaving in about 15 minutes, from outside next door, and I don't know whether etiquette says that I stand and watch them go or whether I keep my head down indoors? It's probably a dumb question. They know I'm in as I've just moved the car for them (And, yes, left a baby unattended for 30 seconds, asleep in the cot upstairs. Ah well)

[Mouse]

If it was me, I'd stay quietly indoors.

I don;t know if there is an actual etiquette. I suppose it depends how well you knew the neighbour etc. Perhaps peep out of the curtain & see if any other neighbours go out?

[jellytot]

I'm not sure what the 'done' thing is but I would suggest you do what you are most comfortable with. If you want to watch the cars leave then go and do so. xx

[venus89]

If it was me, I'd stay quietly indoors.

I don;t know if there is an actual etiquette. I suppose it depends how well you knew the neighbour etc. Perhaps peep out of the curtain & see if any other neighbours go out?

:) Oh I don't know if there's any etiquete, it's just I don't want to do the wrong thing. I'd rather stay indoors, though as I'm at the computer by the front window I'm hunched really low so they don't think I'm prying. We only found out last night as not seen them lately, what with the snow, then today I bumped into her husband twice :( I'll stay indoors and pop a card through their door later. Thank you x

[Mouse]

:) Oh I don't know if there's any etiquete, it's just I don't want to do the wrong thing. I'd rather stay indoors, though as I'm at the computer by the front window I'm hunched really low so they don't think I'm prying. We only found out last night as not seen them lately, what with the snow, then today I bumped into her husband twice :( I'll stay indoors and pop a card through their door later. Thank you x

I think that sounds like a good idea.

I got caught outside once when a big courtege went by the house. I was seeing a mindee off & was standing chatting to his mum when it came by. It took ages to pass as they were walking. Neither of us dared move till it had gone by as we didn't think it would be the done thing for her to get into the car & drive off & for me to go back indoors.

[wendywu]

If you want to stand at your front door and pay your respects and say goodbye then by all means do so.

I think it would be a nice gesture x

[venus89]

I think that sounds like a good idea.

I got caught outside once when a big courtege went by the house. I was seeing a mindee off & was standing chatting to his mum when it came by. It took ages to pass as they were walking. Neither of us dared move till it had gone by as we didn't think it would be the done thing for her to get into the car & drive off & for me to go back indoors.

It's really awkward, isn't it? They're just leaving....

I got stuck behind a hearse on the dual carriageway and wasn't sure if you still had to drive behind them.... There should be a rule book about these things!

[jelly15]

When I was a child and a neighbour died all the other neighbours would use to shut the curtains until the funeral hearse had gone past.

[venus89]

:( their poor dog is howling away next door.

[PixiePetal]

If a courtege (sp) passes me in the street I always bow my head a little - no idea why, I just do out of respect I suppose.

DD was passed by a line of cars and hearse (5 in total) along our lane - only 1 car width - she had to stand up on the grass verge and felt very awkward. She just kept her head down :o

[Pauline]

Years ago the etiquette was to close your front curtains until after the hearse had gone but no one does that nowadays.

Something to do with the windows being the eyes of the house and they were closed as a mark of respect.

[jane5]

My dad who was a black cab driver died a few years ago. We had the usual hearse and cars and family and friends cars, about 8, but because he was a taxi driver his work friends wanted to pay their respects.

So we had about 8 of our cars and 21 black cabs :thumbsup:

That was a sight to be seen and held all the traffic up, people who didnt know us were talking about it for weeks :blush:

[dlissaman]

I was going to say what Pauline said about closing the curtains. In my area, Warwickshire, this is still done by the majority of my neighbours.

[curlycathy]

We close curtains too.

You have to do whats comfortable for you.

When we buried baby Isaac it meant an awful lot to us to see the curtains drawn and then as we passed people (we do only live round the corner from church so wasnt a long journey thank goodness couldnt have coped with more) it meant so much to us when they bowed their heads and waited.

So whenever you do see a cortege (is that right? dont know what you call it) please dont feel embarrassed - it does mean a lot to the bereaved to see people paying respects.

[venus89]

Thank you all - it's not about embarrassed, it's about not wanting to hurt people who are already hurting.....

To walk into the centre of town, about 5 minutes, we walk past the undertakers. At first it was really hard to do, emotionally. We sometimes have the car with the bodies wrapped in blankets drive past us as we walk into town - it's a Volvo estate so you can see into the back. At first it gave me the heebie jeebies but now I accept the inevitability of it.

Well, we raised a glass to her tonight - she fought very long and very hard and now she's resting.

[RachelE]

When my step father died, I was 17.

I remember passing one of our neighbours and he took his flat cap off and held it to his chest and bowed his head. I'll never forget that. I remember thinking how respectful he was.

We also drew the curtains before we left for the funeral.

I think its ok to go outside, its not like you'd do it just for the sake of it. If you stand with repect, I dont think anyone would mind.

Rachel x

[Louise B]

I vaguely remember my mum and dad closing the curtains when there was a funeral in the street too, this has jogged my memory of that. I remember my dad telling me that men with hats should stand at the side of the road and take their hats off. At the time, when I was a child, I thought it sounded ridiculous, but now I think it's a really nice gesture. When my dad died we drove past the funeral directors and the lady who had arranged his funeral was stood at the door to see us pass by, which I thought was really lovely of her.

From another point of view though, when we had my baby son's funeral, we were driven the long way around our village, and passed the ducks on the brook. I'd always imagined taking him to feed the ducks, so that was really special. However... my sister's friend saw us pass by, only one hearse as we had his coffin in with us, and she asked my sister "why did they have such a big funeral?"!!!!! I think she meant, why bother, he was only a baby! Cheeky moo!:angry:

xxx

[venus89]

From another point of view though, when we had my baby son's funeral, we were driven the long way around our village, and passed the ducks on the brook. I'd always imagined taking him to feed the ducks, so that was really special. However... my sister's friend saw us pass by, only one hearse as we had his coffin in with us, and she asked my sister "why did they have such a big funeral?"!!!!! I think she meant, why bother, he was only a baby! Cheeky moo!:angry:

xxx

:panic: I guess she's never lost a baby or a child then.... That's really bad, I am sorry :(

[Louise B]

:panic: I guess she's never lost a baby or a child then.... That's really bad, I am sorry :(

Awful isn't it, she's obviously lucky enough not to have to know why. Thanks for your reply though. xxx