Managing behaviour...I need advice please!

[retha]

Hi everyone
Not sure if I am posting this in the correct category but did not know where else it would fit.
I really need some advice and support with something and I hope someone on here will be able to give good advice.

I currently have a 3yr old mindee that has been hitting and hurting my own 4yr old daughter constantly since he started coming. He does not just hit, he gets really aggressive and often jumps on her, grabs and pulls her hair out and his attitude is very overpowering for a 3yr old. The mindee would sometimes for no reason start chasing her until she runs into a corner and then grab her by the hair and pull! He often does this when his parents are there as well. It has happened a few times that he pinned her to the floor and pulled her hair with such a grib that it took both me & the parent to get him off her. The parent's reaction is that he does not really mean it, because immediately after he would say to his mom - 'I did not mean it mommy'. They use the excuses that he thinks it is a game, or he is tired, etc. They ask him to apologize - he then walks to my daughter, says sorry and gives her a hug and while hugging her he grabs her by the hair again! One day this happened 6 times in a row while parent was there!!! I have never seen my daughter so heartbroken... :(

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel it is affecting my daughter a lot and I want to protect her from this behaviour because it is so unfair to her. But I dont want to give up on the mindee because I want to help him get through this.

I really don't know what to do anymore. How would you handle this? What would you say when discussing this with the parent? What would you do to try and stop the behaviour?
Please if anyone can give me some advice or any kind of support, I really need it now.
Thank you!
(sorry for the long post :( )

[sarah707]

A 3 year old should be able to understand the difference between right and wrong and know that what he is doing is wrong!!

I would say he needs a firmer hand from his mother ... clearly informing that it is unacceptable behaviour and possibly some kind of thinking time to consider the implications of his behaviour.

Then you and the parents use the same words and ways of dealing with him so it is consistent every time.

Do you have sanctions when he does this during the day?

Hugs to your daughter xx

[Pipsqueak]

I absolutely agree with Sarah - he needs a firmer hand.

What I do have experience of is a mindee bullying, intimidating and hurting my own child - basically making my child miserable in their own home. Never ever again will I ever tolerate that so my advice to you is:

take charge and nip this in the bud now - your daughter in her own home needs protecting and needs to see that you are standing up for her.

starting noting any and ALL incidents so you have a record of it. try to incorporate triggers, behaviours, how you reacted etc.

do not allow this boy to be alone with your daughter ever - if you have to leave the room he has to stop what he is doing and come with you

at the first sign of 'trouble' you tell him with a firm, stern voice NO and make sure he knows you are talking to him.
if he does corner/hurt your child then at the 3 he is old enough to understand (learn to ) know that his actions have consqeuences

talk to the parent and tell them that there explanation is not acceptable and you cannot and will not have your daughter hurt in this way - together design a behaviour plan and put into place a time limit for behaviour to improve.

[lornaslilliputs]

I agree with that sound advice lady's! I would have a chat with parents about your policy on challenging behavouir and house rules. Explain that working together to support this little boy and help him understand there are consequences for his actions. Time out is a great tool and I use this on a day to day basis if needed and its in my agreement with parents. Positive praise in the right places for this child when his behavouir is good can work wonders! Go over the top when he shows and kindness, towards other children and your daughter. Create opportunites to use skills such as being thoughtfull, careing and keep giving the same consistent boundrais that we do not hurt each other. Start recording the behavouirs look for paterns and and ways you can distract and divert the behavouir before its dispayed.Hope this helps:) Lorna x

[CHUNKY MONKEY]

I agree with the other posts. Be firm, 1 action = 1 consequence. Talk to parents and implement a timed action plan. He is definately old enough to understand what he is doing is wrong.

:( Your poor daughter, sending big :group hug:

I hope you get this sorted soon

[Babyboos]

HI their, Firstly how would the parents feel if it was your daughter doing this to him, Second you have obviously taken this up with the parents and it needs action taken right away. Your daughter should feel safe and protected in her own home.

I am sorry to say that i would not put up with this. If the parents keep making excuses for him he is not going to learn, they need to work with you.

This is my own personell opinion but i would give notice of contract.

babyboos. x

[wendywu]

I would haul him off of her in front of mum with a VERY firm hand and a very stern ' NO I DONT THINK SO DO YOU '.

He must see that if mum is there you will still reprimand him. Im afraid i would not have allowed him to hurt my daughter 6 times in a row. It would have only happened once.

I would have held onto him by the arm or hand until his mum took him home.:angry:

[Helcatt]

Wise words from the above ladies.

He needs a firm hand. I have something similar and I am now noting down ALL incidents and am trying to see if there is a pattern/trigger

THis lad is 6 months older than my daughter and is so horrible at times, I have been so close to terminating the contract on so many occassions, but I do feel that these boys need stability in their lives and it is "better" to try to help them through it - rather than just walk away

But if it gets too bad, my daughter has to come first and if I can't cope and it impacts too much then I will not hesitate.

I have taken to disciplining him in front of mum as she seems incapable, and telling her what I am doing daily so she understnads how bad he can be. She really doesn't see it as an issue

HX

[teacake2]

I have had a very nasty experience of this and had to terminate with immediate effect. The girl was 3 and constantly bullying my special needs little boy, the same age. She used to bang into him, knock him over and throw things at his head from close up. He has a shunt in and has to be extra careful of this. She was definately old enough to understand what she was doing and often told me her mum said it was okay because he wasn't "normal" and didn't understand:angry: :angry: . Now I did give her the benefit of the doubt at first as to what she was saying, but after telling her mum for the umpteenth time what had gone on and what had been said she turned round and said to me that he would never make anything of himself so why bother.
As you can imagine (and I had been trying to work through this for a few weeks) notice was given. She reported me to OFSTED who came out, I had been writing every incident down, everything that was said and got the parent to sign to say that she was aware of it. OFSTED told me that I had acted quite properly and were surprised that I had managed to keep it going so long.
Teacake2

[Chatterbox Childcare]

This is totally unacceptable but I think there is more to it than just a "naughty boy".

I would have a further talk with the parents about his history, speak to the nursery/toddler groups that he has attended

Something isn't ringing true here and I think the little ones needs help.

[Andrea08]

again i have to agree also set up somehouse rules with parents and the children. my kids wouldnt put up with it and would hit back and although i dont agree with hitting back it did stop...

good luck x

[Tam's Tribe]

Also remember to constantly encourage positive behaviour with litle rewards . . . that worked really well with me and a 2 yr old LO . . . every 5 mins when he was behaving, we did 5 fives (which he loves), he chose the next game, we sat and cuddled (which he loves) and it took a good few weeks but I have to say in all honesty he is such a well behaved lovely little boy now and I love him to bits.

I am firm but fair and with all the extra attention for postive behaviour it has made a HUGE difference.

Good Luck!

[watgem]

just a word about using time out, I had an experience recently where I had to call a parent to collect their child who was completely out of control, hurting the other child and me. despite trying to work in partnership about their child's continuing unacceptable behaviour, the parent chose not to. This resulted in the parent accusing me of holding their child's hand too tightly on the school run, but reporting me to Ofsted for my policy of getting children to sit and eat at the table and for suggesting they talk to the HV about the concerns they had about their child. As a result of the child's behaviour that day I decided to update my behaviour policy to include the consequences I might use, I asked the preschools in my area(including the one that this child used to attend) about their policies, they all used a period of time out, so I included this in my policy, for children aged over 3, for a period of one minute per age, and the child to be sat or stood next to me. This policy was also recommended by the community nursery teacher. Ofsted came out ref the complaint, went through all my paperwork and said that the use of time out is unnacceptable, and an inspector would mark me down for having that in my policies, so please be aware

[sillysausage]

Ofsted came out ref the complaint, went through all my paperwork and said that the use of time out is unnacceptable, and an inspector would mark me down for having that in my policies, so please be aware

Yet 'time out' is what is recommended time and time again on TV programmes such as Supernanny and in a multitude of parenting books such as 'Toddler Taming'.

[onceinabluemoon]

OK I'm going to be brutal here:

* This child has been brutally attacking your child since he first started (I presume this has been for some time?)

* This boy has, on more than one occasion pulled clumps of your 4 year old daughters hair from her head.

* He is so out of control that it has taken 2 full grown adults to pull him off your four year old child

* He corners your child so she cannot escape and then attacks her - he knows exactly what he is doing!

* He is clever enough and manipulative enough to understand if he tells his mother 'I didn't mean it Mummy' he will get away with it.

* The parent will do nothing to work with you but just makes excuses for her son's behaviour.

* Your darling daughter is probably petrified of this child coming to the house.

* It is possible that what is happening to your daughter right now she will remember for the rest of her life

Now ask yourself how much longer you are prepared to let your child go through this...

Then you will know what you should do.