Can I have your thoughts on kids and funerals please? [Archive]

miss mopple

25-09-2010, 08:46 PM

As greenies will know I lost my darling Dad last weekend.Its been an emotional rollercoaster of a week (as I also had to attend my Uncles funeral this week :( ) but we are doing ok and coping as best we can. Today has been hard as the one week anniversary but its all baby steps at the moment

Anyway, I would be really interested in your opinions on children at funerals as I am totally undecided about what to do with my two for my Dads farewell. I have an almost 11yr old and an almost 5yr old and I just dont know whether they should go or not. Logistically its a nightmare if I dont take them as the funeral is 120 miles from home, but that can be overcome. I have an option to leave them with my mum, who doesnt want to attend the funeral (her and dad were divorced but still friends), but I dont want to put on her as she is really cut up about it all, and I want her to be able to change her mind and go if she so chooses.

Does anyone have any opinions/ experiences on this as I am in such a quandry :panic:

Gizmo

25-09-2010, 08:57 PM

I was 15 when Gran died and Mum didnt want me at her funeral because she was so sad and she didnt want me to share her grief

Helcatt

25-09-2010, 08:57 PM

Honey

I am so sorry you are having to go through this

Personally, I don't mind children at a funeral. Some people thought it was 'wrong' that our friends came along with thier boy when we buried DD1, but he is part of our circle of friends so we were happy to have him there, and children always lighten and sad situation. How would C be? Does she want to go? I was at a similar age when one of my Grannies died and remember really wanting to go to day my goodbyes and my parents not letting me

When my BIL was buried, my SIL asked for no children at the service but happy for them to be at the wake - she found us someone to look after E. I went along with it for their sake but was not really comfortable leaving her with someone I didn't know. Is there an option for the girls to go after the service?

Lots of love has been coming your way all week, little steps, as they say, it is a long and hard process, but you will get through with your memories

HX

PixiePetal

25-09-2010, 09:01 PM

my youngest was nearly 10 when we had 2 grandparents funerals within 3 weeks of each other - he came to both which were worlds apart. Dad was Catholic and had the full church do and cremation. MIL had village church and burial in our farm woods (amazingly legal and just what she and, a year before, FIL wanted)

DS was great at both and wanted to come. I think your younger child may not really understand it all but it may be just as unsettling to be away from you, especially as it is so far from home. Do you have friends nearby to the funeral? where your little one could go for the funeral but meet up after if there is a wake?

Mine had seen all the tears and upset with DH and myself as we had both lost a parent and they had lost 2 grandparents and it was a healing time for us all. I felt we needed to face it all together - but then my children were a bit older.

It's a difficult one but I am sure you will do the right thing for you all and hope all goes smoothly. Sorry I can't be more help x

Pipsqueak

25-09-2010, 09:23 PM

I am of the opinion children should be allowed to attend - if THEY want to.
They should be given the same opportunites to expend their grief and say goodbye.

I would ask your eldest what they want to do. I would briefly explain what a funeral is and what they can expect - right down to people crying and expressing their grief.

With the 5yr old, though, they are not really at an age they can understand, so perhaps not to attend. So that they can work through their upset, could they draw a picture to Grandad that you can take?

wonder if where you are going, any of us are near so you can get a childminder if you wanted?

Mookins

25-09-2010, 09:28 PM

my older sister died when i was 12 she was 16...our younger brother and sister i dont think went ...they would of been 4 and 5yrs, it was weird circumstances though so can understand why they didnt go,am trying to remember who they would of been with if they didnt go though:blush:

i think it would be nice for them to say goodbye....

big hugs hun
xxx

amanda1309

25-09-2010, 09:43 PM

I lost my Dad 3 years ago my dd was 5 and so was my niece. They both came to the funeral as they wanted to say bye to grandad. Its not what all people would do but we decided as a damily that the girls would be there. I think they helped my mam through the day.

Only you know if your children should go. Talk to them and see what they want to do.

:group hug:

The Juggler

25-09-2010, 10:12 PM

that's such a hard one hon. I think if they want to say goodbye they should be allowed but on the other hand you don't want to let them see you hurting so much maybe.

Maybe your 11 year old would cope but you can always take them to say goodbye at the stone a few weeks later maybe or when ashes are scattered?

I'd be tempted to say no to the 5 year old but maybe for your 11 year old if they really want to go.

How are you honey?

louised

25-09-2010, 10:58 PM

I personally think they are too young, I attended my first funeral when I was 12, my grandmothers, and looking back felt I was far too young. I would have preferred to remember my nana as the experiences I had with her while she was alive and not some sad, depressing funeral service I witnessed when I was 12. Maybe it would be more appropriate for the children to visit the grave with flowers sometime after the funeral

LittleAcorns

25-09-2010, 11:33 PM

This is a very individual choice I think.

A young girl passed away at my daughters school, and the head teacher spoke to the education pysycologist and they said its very important that children grieve and also that they celebrate the life of the person. any children that wanted to attend a memorial service were encouraged to.

Im sure this time is difficult enough for you, only you know your children and how they will cope, my youngest is 8 and I know it would help her to deal with the passing by the character she is, does that make any sense?

Hope you are ok and sending hugs xx

PixiePetal

26-09-2010, 07:01 AM

Just another thought, my kids both wrote letters, put in a photo etc and I sent them to my brother to put in his pocket so dad could take them with him and not forget them when he got to heaven - he was devout Catholic. I did not look or read them and I even added a copy of a poem he wrote to me about me once :o. It helped them say goodbye in their own words and recall some good times.

crazyXstitcher

26-09-2010, 07:24 AM

I am of the opinion children should be allowed to attend - if THEY want to.
They should be given the same opportunites to expend their grief and say goodbye.

I would ask your eldest what they want to do. I would briefly explain what a funeral is and what they can expect - right down to people crying and expressing their grief.

My grandad died when I was 8. I wanted to go to the funeral and say goodbye but my parents wouldn't let me. Even now I sometimes feel annoyed that i wasn't even given the choice.

When dh's nan died there were several children inc SIL's aged 5 and 3 and our 6 month old. No-one (afaik) objected and lots of people said it was nice to see children - new lives starting and all that.

caz3007

26-09-2010, 08:37 AM

My son was 5 when I lost my Grandad and like you the logistics of the travel and then having someone to look after him meant he had to come to the funeral. We explained it all to him beforehand and he was fine. Actually all the great grandchildren were there and one was 4 at the time.

One of LO's went to his great grandads funeral recently, he is 2.5. His mum didnt want him to attend but all the family wanted him there to lighten the mood and it went fine.

So do what feels right for you and your family

sarah707

26-09-2010, 08:43 AM

My 2 went to my dad's funeral - he was old and tired and it was just a few old people not much desperate grief if you know what I mean.

I let them decide and went with what they chose to do which was to go.

Luckily I had dp with me so he was with them while I had to do the family bits.

I would say yes to older children but I'm not sure if 5 is too young.

Hugs xx

miss mopple

26-09-2010, 08:59 AM

Thanks all, its very interesting to read your different experiences and opinions.

Am going to have a long chat with DD1 today so she knows exactly what it will entail. Its a cremation not burial so that may be less distressing as the service will only be 20mins long, then back to my sisters house for the after do (not a wake, thats depressing- my Dad was a 'do' man :) )

Instinct says to let my mum have DD2, and maybe see if I can dispatch DH later in the day to collect her and bring her back to me to spend a little time with the rest of the family before we head home.

I'm doing ok, thanks for the concern. Yesterday was the 1 week anniversary and that was very hard on us all, but I am lucky to have 4 sisters and we are all close so are getting through it together, and with some amazing support from our hubbys and friends.

I decided yesterday to treat myself to a big yankee candle that I will associate with dad and this sad time, and light it whenever I want to think of him. Its called Autumn fruits and it seemed appropriate as he loved the seasons and growing things. Am calling it 'dads candle'. Felt like a nice way to help me remember.

Need to go through all my family memories box today and see what photos I have of him to put on a story board. It'll be tough but I'll light his candle and know he'll be there to help me through.

Helcatt

26-09-2010, 09:18 AM

Thinking of you honey. Such a hard task

:group hug:

HX

LOOPYLISA

26-09-2010, 09:48 AM

Ripeberry

26-09-2010, 09:54 AM

When we went to my MIL funeral it was on a day that I was not minding and unfortunately our own kids had a inset day so were not at school.
They came along, but did not attend the actual service, a friend took them to the park to play and they had a little picnic in the car when it rained.

They came to see the flowers being laid out and to meet all the relatives.
But if your 11yr old wants to go then let him/her but I think younger ones would find it too confusing.

jellybean cc

26-09-2010, 12:01 PM

I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

Personally my two are 5 and 2. At the moment i would let them come to the church service, we go to church anyway so i would also let them choose a song everyone could sing as there way of saying goodbye. I would also let them come to the wake/do after but if it was a burial i would not let them come to that part as i remember that was the bit that confused me as a child. I understood the church and service part and the wake.
A cremation would be ok as you don't need to explain what happens.
My oldest was about 15 when my husbands step dad died and he choose to just come to the wake.

Beetlejuice

26-09-2010, 12:08 PM

Bless you darling! ((((hug)))) Having met your eldest I would say she has a very mature head on her shoulders and a chat with her is definitely the best idea - to give her all the details so she can make an informed choice which I think she is mature enough to do. With little E - she's almost exactly a year older than my little A - I think time with Granny is the best plan tbh. I don't think I could take A to a funeral at 5 but you know E best.

I think the candle is a lovely idea and a great way to remember your Dad and feel like he's with you. I've been thinking of you a lot this past week - I'm so glad you have your sisters for comfort and wish I was nearer. Will give you the biggest HUG at half term when I see you!!

xx

loocyloo

26-09-2010, 02:45 PM

hi, i'm so sorry for your loss, a big hug to you and your family. take time.

my father died this time last year. he'd started chemo, but died suddenly before anyone was prepared.

we held the service at the crem and my children (7 & 4) came. i was with my mum and DH was supporting us both. my brother in law and his wife came for the children and were there to look after them so that we didn't need to worry them. we told them that we were going to remember grandpapa, and that lots of people would be sad, but not to worry about about people crying as it was because they missed grandpapa.

i did have an interesting conversation about what a crematorium is, and what would happen.

the children were great, and i thinked it help them to say goodbye and to understand. they drew pictures/wrote letters that we put in the coffin, and after the service we blew bubbles into the sky.

they then came to the wake afterwards.

i had people tell me i shouldn't have taken them, but i felt they needed to be involved and part of what was happening. they didn't come when we put some of the ashes in the grave with my grandfather, i took them to visit the grave when we were at church one sunday, so it wasn't a big thing, and now they wave at grandpapa when we pass. they did come however, and took part when we planted some roses along with the rest of the ashes.

my nephew who was nearly 2 was also at the funeral, as were a couple of other little children whose parents came.

big hug again

xxxxxx

tulip0803

26-09-2010, 03:51 PM

(((((Big Hugs to you and your family)))))

I think you should talk to your eldest and see how she feels.

My DH Grandfather died about 2 years ago and we took DS(16) & DD1(11). We explained about the funeral and that it would be very sad and emotional and DD1 felt she wanted to come. She did cry and get very upset as it was a very emotinal ceremony with military bugeler, flags and salute etc. But she was glad she went to say goodbye. We did not take DD2 (4) as she could not sit still or quiet and would not have understood the solemnity of it (DS & DD1 at the same age would have been different, purely down to character) She stayed with my Mum, the funeral was in devon and we live in Wales. She did however come to the internment in Cornwall about 3 months later as it was a small, quiet, short ceremony and she did ask a lot of questions in a whispered voice.

In Jan this year my Nan died and we took them all. My Mum wanted a distraction I think as she whizzed DD2 into a pew with her. She made people smile because she understood that it was sad and was dabbing a folded tissue to her eyes and sniffing dramatically. This was in Kent and I was going to ask whther a forum member could have her but the family wanted her to attend. I think if it is explained and properly supported they can be fine. No-one at either funeral made comments about the children being there. They were the only ones there.

As my Mum did they can be a distraction but you also need to be able to grieve and say goodbye properly.

sillysausage

26-09-2010, 04:37 PM

We've always taken our lads to family funerals and to a couple that were of close family friends. I think it is important that children see that grieving is part and parcel of life and that it is ok to get upset etc. Not to mention that once the sad part is concluded it is a good time to reminisce and for rarely seen relatives to catch up and everything. It helps children see the bigger family picture includes lots of people you don't see very often.
I have to say that at every funeral I've been to with my kids someone has said how nice it is to see them and that it is a shame that it is only at such events that they get to meet everyone.

TheBTeam

26-09-2010, 06:03 PM

My two were just 10 and 6 1/2 two years ago when my mil died, we gave my son (10) the choice but he was unable to make the decision, so we suggested that he went to school during the day and then a friend would bring him over to the 'party' to celebrate their life after, this really worked for him and we did this with our 6 1/2 year old too.

My niece and nephews who were 16,15 and just under 13 went and they seemed to cope okay with it, but the funeral was one where everyone wore bright colours and although very sad, my mil was such a funny, quirky full of life person that through this were able to smile with the odd funny story of her and laugh.

Maybe your mum could make the journey with you but you could find somewhere local for your mum to take them until the service etc are done with, i think it depends if you feel that they will get enough support if they attend and you will be able to express yourself in a way that you want.

Mollymop

27-09-2010, 07:30 AM

I am so sorry to hear abut your Dad's passing. I lost my dad 10 years ago and it does get easier I promise.

I wouldn't take your children to his funeral. x

spowage

27-09-2010, 08:41 AM

so very sorry to hear your sad news. my father died 5yrs ago and i had just start childminding.i have tw0 boys at the time one was 5yrs and the other 3 yr i thought long and hard about it and decided that the 5yr boy should go as he saw hjs grandad in hospital and we had been very open about everything he also went to a catholic school which made it easier to decide cos he had already told me the angels would take him to heaven and look after him so we took him and he was fine with no long term effects we took pics of flowers as well so we talk about the day... in a way kids lighten the day and they do need to expeirience grief as sad as it is good luck with your desision but i think over 5s should be ok. my 3 yr old joined us later xxxx

atmkids

27-09-2010, 08:57 AM

My Grandma died earlier this year and I took my 3 children aged nearly 6, 8 and 12 with me. The chapel at the crematorium was packed and my 6 year old got up and sung Over the Rainbow. Everyone clapped and my dd felt really proud that she'd sung for her Great Grandma.

However, if it had been a burial I don't think I would have taken them.

Sending hugs at this sad time.

sunnysmile

28-09-2010, 08:13 PM

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope you are bearing up ok.
It is a tough one for me, I was brought up by my grandparents and attended my first funeral at about 11 with my granny, being honest I had no clue what it was all about really. My best friend dies when I was 13 and I attended her funeral on my own, which I should never have been allowed or expected to do, even now I wonder what on earth the adults around me were thinking. I was in pieces.
My Daughter is 15 and has never attended a funeral, her grandpa died 2 years ago and she did not want to go and I respected that. She came along to the wake. I feel children should be able to make the choice for themselves if they are old enough. My daughter was only 5 when her great grandad died and they were very close but I know he disagreed with children at funerals so I never took her.

miss mopple

28-09-2010, 08:29 PM

Thanks everyone, and am so sorry that so many have suffered losses :(

I think that we are decide that our youngest will go to my mums. Mum is adamant she doesnt want to attend the funeral and wants to have the children. My eldest is still deciding but I suspect she will opt to stay with her sister at their Grans. They will both be able to come to the 'do' after as its taking place at my sisters so they wouyld like to be there.

We are doing ok, thanks for the concern. I am finding I am just so tired all the time, don't know if thats normal but nomatter how much I sleep I just need more!Am feeling quite strong though and am trying my best just to carry on as thats what Dad would want.Not always easy but I'll get there

PixiePetal

28-09-2010, 10:39 PM

Been thinking of you.

I am sure you will do what's best for you all, your dad would be proud of you.

Louise B

28-09-2010, 11:08 PM

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, and hope that the day of the funeral goes as you've planned, it's such a difficult time.

My dad died just before Christmas 2007, I just had my two oldest girls then, they were 6 and a half and nearly 3. We had the service at the crematorium, then came back to our village for a memorial service, with his photo at the front of the church, and the kids met us there. They loved being part of the day, they still talk about it, and I'm glad they were there. My sister is a bit different in her view though, she would've preferred for her kids not to attend at all, and in fact their other grandad died a few weeks before my dad, and they didn't go to any part of his funeral, which I think is a shame.

The only regret I have is that we let the children come to see dad's ashes being scattered into a hole in the church grounds. I've never seen it before, and hadn't realised how shocking it would be to see someone's ashes. The kids were asking which part of him it was, me and my sister were in a state about it all, but the kids seemed to be oblivious to how awful it all was. That part wasn't nice and I wouldn't take kids again.

My baby son died before I had my girls, but if they'd been around before him, I would've let them meet him and say goodbye. That's just my personal view though, I don't think kids should be shielded from death and goodbyes, but just tread carefully on how much involvement they have. Let them choose things, like a song for the church, etc, so they feel involved with the nicer parts of the day.

Sorry I've waffled a bit!!

Thinking of you all ((( ))) xxxxx

red_rose

29-09-2010, 05:07 PM

Hi agree with you it might not be a good idea to bring your child to that funeral, as it can be a devastating time and distressful. I think hiring a nanny or letting your child at his/her friends house could be a good option.

sunnysmile

29-09-2010, 09:05 PM

Sleep is the body's way of healing naturally, if you need to sleep then take as much as your body needs.

sfox2003

29-09-2010, 09:52 PM

I say, you know your children best & if you think they could handle it then let them go.

I was 7 when I went to my nans funeral. I could handle it, so it was the right decision.

My own grandmother died earlier this year. My daughter (5) had been with us visiting her in hospital. When she died I too wondered whether to take her to teh funeral. I decided yes to take her. Thought it would help in someway. Maybe give her closure rather than her great-grandma just disappearing. She dealt with it great. It was teh right decision.

The other thing we chose to hide from her was the fact that it was a cremation not a burial. We told her that after the funeral her coffin was to be buried.

Very, very tough. Im so sorry for your loss. hugs.

xxxx

EDITED to say - I agree with whats been said a few times. Children shouldnt be shielded from death, I think it makes them fear it more. It unfortunatley is part of life. You wouldnt hesitate to take your children to visit a new born baby, so why not show them what happens at the end of our lives. If handled carefully it can be the right decision. And like someone else said, a welcome relief. People at my grandmas funeral were so pleased to see my children. They were her only great-grandchildren. To see their smiling faces were what it was all about. My grandma wouldnt have wanted us all blubbing. She wanted us to remember her & the children were a big part of her life. - Sorry to go on & I certainly dont want to offend anyone.

michellethegooner

29-09-2010, 09:54 PM

Firstly sorry for your loss,

My hubby's brother passed away over a wk ago his funeral was last Fri, our kids are 15 (dd) and 11(ds) our dd didnt want to go (funeral was in birmingham) but my son initially did and I wasn't too happy about it as I think he wouldn't have coped very well with the emotion, my hubbys mum had to fly from ireland to bury her eldest child, she herself is 87 and not in the best of health herself. so I was concerned as was all the family about how she would cope, so I talked to my son about it, I explained how sad everyone would be, and that myself, & him and my dd would instead go to our local church and say a prayer and light a candle which we did and that his uncle would still know he was thinking about him even if he wasnt there.

If push came to shove I would have let him go and I was relieved when he said ok he wouldnt go
I do think it depends on the child tbh my son is super sensitive and I think it would have been a huge burden on him to see his dad and his elderly nan so upset, his nan had to be physically carried out of the church by a family member she took it so bad, so in hindsight I made the correct decision, like I said it really depends