controlled crying

[snufflepuff]

Not minding related but im after some advice please.
My 15 month old son has only slept through in his cot a handful of times. We managed to get him going to bed in his cot but he would always end up in our bed at some point. He has been ill recently and he has gone back to sleeping in our bed all night.
I spoke to the HV about it today and she recommended controlled crying. I know lots of people who have done it and rave about but it sounds so harsh. She advised to give no eye contact, no cuddles, nothing, Just give him a bath then put him in his cot with his milk and leave. She even said that if he makes himself sick we shouldnt comfort him, just clean him up and start again.
Has anyone done this with success? Or is there something else i can try?

[sarah707]

Babies should never be left alone with their milk! You might be prosecuted for child neglect if they choked :eek:

I suggest you read 'Babies!' by Dr Christopher Greene for a more balanced view.

Controlled crying, when done properly and with lots of love and care, can work wonders.

Baby gets into a routine very quickly if he knows he is secure in his little space.

The routine involves him staying there, not being brought into parents' bed... ever for any reason.

It's not about cruelty though it's about safety and security and support and love and routine.

Hth :D

[skytvaddict]

Sorry not much advice but will watch replies for some ideas for me!

Ex H and I did it with my two older DDs very successfully and it really does work. You just have to be consistent.

Unfortunately my DP won't leave the DSs to cry but I do really want to get them sorted. They are now 3 and 21 months and share a room. They go to sleep on their milk downstairs and are carried to bed. DS2 has barely slept a whole night in his cot. If he doesn't go to sleep on his milk he can be up until 10pm.

I don't even know where to start with two of them. I suppose by getting a stairgate for their room :)

[sandy64]

hi i really feel for you its a very stressful time yes been there it did work but think i cryed more lol.
1. i sat next to cot stroking face for a few days
2. after a few nights i moved a little further back singing or talking very quietly.
3.after? depends on lo maybe a wk or days or 2wks each are different i sat at the door v.quietly on talking if she started to cry.
4.some days i did have to go back to stage 1 but within 3wks she slept all night and still does.
it was v.hard for me as i dont like leaving to cry she was over 12mths and i new for our sakes i needed to do it. my health visitor wasnt any good she just said let her scream i did an hr later she was v.distraught so i read a book not sure who it was now sorry but it was what i tryed and worked.
i understand how hard and upsetting it is and wish you all the luck in the world if you want to pm me thats fine:)

[snufflepuff]

Sarah you're right, theres no way on this earth id leave him alone with his milk. The fact she even suggested it is part of the reason im not going to be taking her advice. Maybe an adapted, kinder, more loving version of it!

[margimum]

My only advice would be buy a bigger bed!!
My DD decided to sleep in her own bed at 7 years.. just in time for ds's arrival:clapping:
He slept in our bed each night until he was 10, but would creep in occassionally until he was at least 12!
I often think now at 18 we will get a nudge in the back at 1am with him saying ... move up a bit more mum... I've got a girlfriend with me!!:D :D
It helped that DH often worked nights... but he got used to sleeping with his head on the bedside table as both kids liked to sleep spreadeagled in the middle of the bed!!
I know controlled crying does work if you are consistant.. but it just wasn't for me:blush:

[Ticktoria]

We co-slept for the first 16months and it worked well as I was breastfeeding, but she had to go into her own bed as she was a nightmare to wean off. I did the gradual retreat, but I just couldn't get out of the room, I hated the thought controlled crying, thought it was cruel, but I bought Dr Greens book Toddler Taming and how he describes it is not cruel. It worked wonders for us and worked really quickly. Now she goes down awake without a prblem.

[snufflepuff]

oooh i bought that toddler taming book and a NCT sale a few weeks ago, bit of bedtime reading for me tonight i think!

[Minstrel]

I must be a really hard hearted cow because i find controlled crying very easy! :blush:

Maybe this worked like this though because i didn't stress or get upset about it (or give in) and my babies felt this and settled quickly. So controlled crying wasn't done for very long at all. Ds1 went through at 9 weeks and Ds2 though at 10 weeks and neither have ever been in our bed. If they are ill i make up a toddler mattress next to me.

[Rubybubbles]

I agree about the milk, for me giving the milk in the evening was all about the bonding

I read Tracey Hogg baby whisperer (she did have a TV programe back when me ds was a baby, RIP Tracey:( ) and loved her methods, it goes cheap on ebay, she has a toddler one too.

I def wouldn't leave a 15 month old to cry without reasurrance:(

[jelly15]

Would any of you use this method with mindees and their daytime naps?

[sarah707]

Would any of you use this method with mindees and their daytime naps?

Yes I would because I know how effective it is.

However it does depend a lot on how parents treat the child at home.

Children can learn very quickly that things are different in different houses, but if parents don't feel they want their child left to cry then you do need to take their feelings into consideration.

Hth :D

[Bushpig]

Yes I would because I know how effective it is.

However it does depend a lot on how parents treat the child at home.

Children can learn very quickly that things are different in different houses, but if parents don't feel they want their child left to cry then you do need to take their feelings into consideration.

Hth :D

Ditto. It has worked for me every time, and the parents have raved about it... too scared to try it themselves, I try it, they see it works... they then do it too. :thumbsup:

[maisiemog]

It broke my heart doing it with my dd but after 16mths of not getting more than 4 hrs sleep a night I was desperate so we tried it. My one piece of advice is choose to start it when you can share the responsibility with your partner as you'll be knackered to start with!

When she woke up in the night we let her cry for 10 mins then went in to her, tucked her back in and said its still night time, time to sleep! The first night it took us 3 hrs to get her back to sleep. The second night just over an hour, the 3rd only 15mins and the 4th night she slept through for the first time ever! That was over christmas and although she's still not an amazing sleeper, we do get a heck of a lot more sleep now than we used to do!

It is hard, you need to be strong, need support from your partner and you need to make sure that you stay calm cos its not easy at 3am when you've only had a hours sleep all night!!!

Good Luck!

[MacFi]

I did controlled crying with my DS when he was 7 months old becuase he would not sleep in his cot during the day at all and was a total mess, it took three days of agony but the last ten months he has settled himself to sleep day and night with ease.

I wouldnt do it with a mindee its up to parents to take ( fairly tough ) decisions like this. I spent weeks rubbing my DM back to get him to sleep and he too goes to sleep with little fuss six months on.

Good luck and speaking from experience life is better for everyone when they get good quality sleep :jump for joy:

[PRINCESSDAISYFLOWER]

I co-slept with my son until he was 12 months as i was bfeeding him. i thought i would have murder getting him into his own room and cot. it took me a week and now he goes to sleep like a dream and doesnt cry at all, (he is now 18 months)

After his bath i would get him dressed and sit in his room whilst he had a beaker of milk and i read him a story. I would then put him in his cot give him a kiss and say "sleepy time baby see you in the morning". I would then leave him for 10 mins, if he was still crying (at first he was) i would go back in, lay him down and say "sleepy time". Leave 10 mins again, next time i went in i would just lie him down and continue this every 10 mins till he went to sleep.

As i said it took about a week and now says night night to me when i put him in his cot and goes to sleep without any trouble or tears

Good luck

[catswhiskers]

Sorry if I'm going to upset the applecart here but it's fine parents saying they don't mind if they're children do not sleep most of the night (and it is sleep deprivation) and they are up crying but what about when the children have to spend the next day at the childminders?

I look after two siblings (3 and a half and 18 months) and Mum has been telling me they both don't sleep and she is up half the night by their beds (this has been going on since the 3 year old was 6 months old and this is when I took her on).

This sleep deprivation really impacts on my day and the children are cranky, irritable and TIRED. They have both slept well for me with no problems as I know they are prob crying because they are so tired. The 3 year old doesn't have a nap for past 6 months but she is hyper irritable by home time.

I have tried gently to reassure Mum, give her advice, but it's getting to the stage now where I feel like giving notice.

Believe me, I've been through it with my own three (but I never took them in my bed) so I've got a bit of experience but I had to be firm in the end as I also would have been like a zombie everyday and I was some days.

They are 17, 14 and 11 now and it's a different story.

[Denise D]

I feel for you, as I have been there myself.

I used this method with my DD at 10 months. She was sleeping in our bed at the time and needed me to lay with her until she fell asleep. I was really against controlled crying at the time, but my HV gave me some information about it and eventually I decided to try it.

The best advice I got from her about it is to only do it if you are sure you will not give up. Because then that might be all for nothing, and in a sense, cruel, as the child does not settle into a secure sleeping pattern and then feels like parents randomly abandon him/her. Also, she told us it would be best if we only had one parent go in to her for each wakeful period. This way, she didn't think she had control over who was coming to her. I took the first shift, and then DH would take the next, and I would do the early am. We started by going in to reassure after one minute, then two, then every five minutes. Second night we did two minutes, then five minutes, then every ten. It helped to remember that she was tired and will eventually fall asleep, even if she cries herself to sleep. It took us about four nights and it was the best thing for us. We all got much better quality sleep and my dd was happier in the daytime as well.

Also, if you want to try other methods, there is a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. She is from the attached parenting camp and has lots of different co-sleeping and non-co-sleeping approaches to getting children to sleep through. I didn't find it useful for our family, but it may be an alternative if you are not up for the crying?

Hth :)