Your own children in the setting! sorry long

[TinyTinker]

Hi, I am having a few issues with my 5 (almost 6 year old) daughter - and am wondering if I am expecting to much from her! We have been minding since she was 13 months - and 2 children who originally joined us when she was 19 months are still with us know so she has grown up with them - other children have came and gone. So she doesn't really remember life without minding. most of the time she is happy with what we do and glad that she has the other children her age to play with, but that's where it ends - she doesn't like how certain restraints are put on her 'because of minding' and she doesn't really like having the younger children about.

Now this morning mum drops off 3 year old -and My daughter and the other 5 yo that has been here all along were playing with a house and figures that were from my daughters room -they play great and share together lovely -but 3 yo wanted to play. My dd didn't want her to (as you know 3 year olds don't often play how an almost 6 year old would like) so 3 yo was upset, and mum wouldn't leave while she was upset over this - so I asked my dd if she could play - and she kicked off saying she didn't want her to play etc. Should I expect her to let the 3yo play? how do you handle this - know it would in there eyes 'spoil' the game? It's still the same if I don't allow her her own toys down - if the older ones set up a game with something and a younger one wants to join in they don't want them to etc....

Am I expecting my daughter to be an entertainment item in the setting and have to play with the others? can she choose to play with some children and not others? how do I handle this. I think I have lost what I should be doing and so busy trying to keep existing mindees happy - in the worry that they will leave and go elsewhere if they are not happy here. So am I being too hard on my daughter to keep mindees happy - at the expense of her happiness.

BTW she doesn't like playing in her room on her own, so even tho she has the option to get away from the mindees, she doesn't want to go up when the other 5 year olds are downstairs.

Seem to be having lots of trouble at the moment with her behavior and it all revolves around her dealings with mindees and me expecting her to keep them happy - which is unfair! Think I just need someone to tell me how they deal with their own children and minding - age differences etc.

:panic:

[AliceK]

It's so hard isn't it. I have 2 of my own. My DS was 5 when I started and my DD was nearly 2 so like your DD she has just grown up with me doing this job. I often think that although on the outside it looks great us being at home with our own children but in reality I do think our own children are put upon quite a lot with the things they have to put up with. Personally I don't expect my own children to supervise or play with any of the minded children f they don't want to. I do tell my DD quite often that her own toys are not for the other children to play with unless she doesn't mind the toys being damaged / lost. Luckily I have a playroom and although my lounge is not used for work I do occasionally allow my DD and another child close to her age to sit in there together and play if they are doing something and don't want the LO's interfering. Otherwise I explain to her that although it sometimes seems not to be fair if I wasn't doing this job and I was away working in an office she would either be in after school club or at another childminders house and so wouldn't be able to play with her own toys at home anyway.
My DS is 11 and is wonderful with the LO's, tbh he is better at my job than I am lol and all the children love him and when he is downstairs and helping it takes such a lot of work away from me it's great but he knows I don't "expect" him to do it and sometimes he will just take himself upstairs to his room and although I get tempted to call him down and ask him to help I stop myself because it's not his job.
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that you can't really expect your own children to play with the mindees if they don't want to. Is there anywhere else your DD and her friend (mindee) can go to play with certain toys on their own providing they are sensible enough??

xxx

[TinyTinker]

Well my dd's bedroom is just at the top of the stairs and downstairs is open planned - so they would be within hearing range, but not sight - I have allowed them to play up there before when it's been quiet and they prefer it - but children left downstairs have then complained to parents about having nobody to play with. Even tho other 5 year old mindee is a boy and doesn't like playing what the girls do anyway. But again is it fair to make them stay down so that the others have other children to play with when, they don't want to play with them anyway?

I find myself forever saying - you can't do that while we have the children here - so can see why this would make her resentful. They don't get our full attention until after 6 some days and in the morning I'm so busy setting up the house and getting things ready for 7am drop offs. There house isn't their own until the weekend really. My 9 year old son isn't bothered as he just plays in his room or out the front with friends from school (our house opens on to a park!).

I think my main issue is with myself - business has been quiet recently (due to maternity leave, moving away, starting school etc) and I am so paranoid about people leaving I want to keep them all happy. So expect everything to be perfect for the minded children. but that's not it is it?

I think the older ones having their own space is a must....

[AliceK]

Well my dd's bedroom is just at the top of the stairs and downstairs is open planned - so they would be within hearing range, but not sight - I have allowed them to play up there before when it's been quiet and they prefer it - but children left downstairs have then complained to parents about having nobody to play with. Even tho other 5 year old mindee is a boy and doesn't like playing what the girls do anyway. But again is it fair to make them stay down so that the others have other children to play with when, they don't want to play with them anyway?

I find myself forever saying - you can't do that while we have the children here - so can see why this would make her resentful. They don't get our full attention until after 6 some days and in the morning I'm so busy setting up the house and getting things ready for 7am drop offs. There house isn't their own until the weekend really. My 9 year old son isn't bothered as he just plays in his room or out the front with friends from school (our house opens on to a park!).

I think my main issue is with myself - business has been quiet recently (due to maternity leave, moving away, starting school etc) and I am so paranoid about people leaving I want to keep them all happy. So expect everything to be perfect for the minded children. but that's not it is it?

I think the older ones having their own space is a must....

I have children who moan that they are not allowed upstairs (no mindees ever go upstairs). I just explain once and then ignore it. It is your house and your business so if you want to allow 1 mindee up to play with your DD that is your choice and other mindees moaning is not important. Mine moan about all sorts but they soon realise that moaning doesn't change anything.
I think you are right in saying that this is more about you being scared of losing any further business and so worrying needlessly if any mindee moans or gets upset. Try to relax about it. I'm sure the parents can see that their children are happy and cared for and will be used to the moaning. We can't please everyone all of the time.

xx

[TinyTinker]

Thanks! In my sensible non worrying part of my mind I know we have a good setting, with great facilities and the children get to do lots -and when there are only one or 2 we go to toddler groups and activities so that they get more social opportunity - I have to remember children are not always happy with what they do - not matter how great it is. they always want more.

It's nice to have a group of children to play together, but if the age groups/interests etc don't get on - they shouldn't have to - as long as there is opportunity for everyone to do something - it doesn't have to be together right?

I tried explaining once that if we didn't do this job that they would be in childcare themselves etc and in someone elses home and they actually liked the idea - maybe being a mindee sounds more appealing than being the child of a childminder!:(

[Maza]

Oh Tiny Tinker I could have written this post. I have a six year old DD and have experienced all the same issues. I think you are feeling it more because today it happened in front of the mindee's mum. It's soooo difficult.

As long as your DD is generally nice and not unkind to the mindees then I think you're fine. Unlike a playdate, the mindees are not our children's chosen friends, plus play dates usually only last for two or three hours, where as a mindee can be at our house all day. I think it would be unrealistic to expect peace and harmony 100% of the time.

At the same time, I can understand the mum not wanting to leave her little one in a state. Maybe have a word at pick up time. Say that you are sorry about what happened this morning and that little altercations like this happen from time to time with different children being on the receiving end (probably true...). Explain how you tackle it (distractions are often the quickest, most effective way) but that it is always harder to deal with it when parents are there. End the conversation with something nice that your mindee did that day, preferably something that they all did together. Maybe tomorrow have something special out for mindee, something that you know they love, to distract them with.

I always think that if it was two mindees involved in the dispute then you would just deal with it effectively and not agonise over it like we do when it is our own child. We are so aware of how our children have to 'put up with things' when our house is full of mindees, and we all desperately just want our children to be happy. x

[loocyloo]

Big hugs.

Been there and got the tshirt. I have been minding since ds was 1 ( and prior to that, he came with me to my 'nanny' family ) and dd has never known any different.

When they were younger it was hard as their toys also seemed to be shared toys, but I always made sure that they had their own toys that lived in their bedrooms and were not shared (unless they chose to). Mine have also always had the option of 'escaping'.
I currently have a 9 yr old schoolie who is not impressed that one afterschool my 10yr old dd goes to a friend and then dancing straight from school and doesn't return until much later, and then another evg, my dd goes dancing ( again! ) after being home for half hour-during which time she has to get changed/do her hair and have a snack! Dd would like me to take her to dancing-but I can't as too complicated with mindees plus it's just round the corner! I also explained to schoolie that dd has things of her own to do and that it is her house! Last year I had a mum tell me that I could mind her 8yr old boy afterschool as he could play with ds ( 13! ) I said no as a) ds has homework and clubs of his own, and most importantly, ds is not part of/an attraction of my setting. She was very put out!
That said both my 2 love the LOs and are generally really helpful. Like Alice. My ds is adored by everyone, and is better at the job than me!

My children do moan about mindees sometimes, but understand that my minding means they can do activities and be at home, rather than being minded themselves.

[Mouse]

I think it would do the 3 year old good to learn that they can't always have everything they want! If I had older children here happily playing a game and a 3 year old arrived wanting to join in I wouldn't let them. If they got upset I would try distracting them with another game.

I have a new 11 month old mindee who is desperate to play with the 3 & 4 year olds I have, but of course they don't want him to as he just pinches everything or sits on it! While the older ones are playing I keep the little one away. But I do explain to the older ones that there are times when they all need to play together. Yesterday I got them building block towers for the baby to knock over. They loved doing it, but would have hated it if it had been a game they'd been playing themselves and he'd been crawling all over it.

In your situation I would tell your daughter that as long as she's kind about it (I have heard mindees saying "ha ha ha, you can't play with me" in a really unkind way) she can play with who she wants for most of the time, but there will be times when you'd like all the children to play together. When my children were little I always explained that minded children weren't allowed to play in the bedroom as I wasn't registered for them to be upstairs. It meant they never asked for minded children to go upstairs and knew that if they wanted to play with them it had to be downstairs. I would make arrangements so they could play away from younger children - let them go into another room, sit them at the table instead of on the floor. And, as I said before, I would teach the younger children that they couldn't always play with the older ones and that they had plenty of their own things to do.

It's tricky getting the right compromise with our own children - yes, this is their home, but we are also doing a job and it's a place of work.