Advice Please

[saintsue]

Morning Everyone
I have been with my Hubby for 16 years and always thought we was happy, we do everything together,
well over xmas he told me he had been seeing someone else while working, my world fell apart. All my friends
keep telling me split from him cos he will only do it again. But i love him and dont know if i could cope on my own.
But i dont think i can just forget what has happened, he has said he is not seeing her anymore or speaking to her, he says he just want to be with me. He has also told me he had another affair about 6 years ago. My head is in bits
just dont know what to do. Has anyone else been though the same thing? Love Sue xxxx

[shortstuff]

Oh hun. I havent been in the same situation but really sympathise. You have to do what is right for you. Even if that means taking time out to think things over. Dont feel rushed into making a decision no matter what anyone tells you. Take care and try to stay strong.

[nipper]

Oh your poor thing just sending you a big hug x

[jillplum]

Oh Dear sorry to hear this. It happened to one of my parents and they are still together and are stronger now. They had many many frank discussions on what went wrong and what each wanted for the future. They had just drifted apart. Each was busy with work and thier own hobbies etc. One partner had an affair. Now they do a lot more together as a family and as a couple and seem really happy.

Only you xan decide what you want for the future. Hugs and good luck.

[jelly15]

No advice but sending hugs

[VeggieSausage]

Very difficult, so sorry for you, this really must have turned your life upside down. I suppose if I was honest my view would be that if he is interested in other women then he is not 100% satisfied with his life and I would in your shoes not be able continue in a relationship with him. Why did he decide to tell you if he was not leaving, why upset everyone if he had already decided he wanted to remain within the family and with you? I would be asking if he intended to leave but seeing your upset is feeling guilty and so is temporarily deciding to stay?....sorry don't want to upset you further just important that you don't stay with him just because at the moment you feel you can't manage without him (which of course you can)....

[RuthJ]

How awful for you. Can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling :group hug:

Reluctant to give advice because I've never been in your situation, but what I would say is please don't stay with your husband if it's just because you are scared of being on your own. Your relationship needs to be built upon trust and love and you may find yourself hurt again in the future if you just let him get away with it because you don't think you could cope. I hope he is very sorry for what he's done to you.

Hope you can come through this stronger than ever. Hugs :group hug:

[The Juggler]

oh hon Im so sorry :(. this is such a personal thing. Only you know how you feel and whether you can truly give him another chance.

If it were me, it would be no. I'd never be able to trust him again but that's me. There'd be no point us trying again as I'd always feel resent/anger/worry if he'd do it again.

Lots of people do forgive and forget and go on to have long happy marriages - maybe try couselling together first before you decide?

[harleyrider]

Not really advice but if it were me it would rock my world and I really dont know what I would do:-(
Hoping you find the strength to get through this and move forward, what ever you decide xxx<3

[saintsue]

Thank you all for your kind words. I always said if anyone ever cheated on my i would not be able to stay with them but when it happen to you its so hard. one day i think yeh we can do this and other days i think i cant. we never fall out or anything like that we do everything together we dont go out without each other, so i always thought he was happy. When i asked him why he did it he said because he could get away with it. My head in bits, I have told him i can only take each day at a time and see what happens> Thanks Sue xxxxx

[dette]

bless you xxx only time will tell with this one ,you may feel less hurt as the years go on but you will never trust him again, only you will know whats best,my advice would be take it day by day,you will feel hurt wether he's with you or if you leave him at first so either way in the short term you wont feel better but you may find that the daily reminder of his betrayal too much to bare and never get over it on the other hand you might be able to push it to the back of your mind and try again,i personally would cut his bollocks off in his sleep but i'm sure thats not the kind of advice you were hoping for .sending hugs xxx

[mazza58]

Sending hugs I have never been through this and so dont think I could give advice, and unless you have faced this yourself how can you give the right advice. All i can say is someone I know her husband did the same thing and I always used to think that if it happened it could never be forgiven and that you should chuck him out, but after seeing them deal with it and it wasn't easy for them and see them still together 8 years after it happened it made me think about what I used to think, having said that it does not mean that everyone can do that, so thats why I say the only person that can make that decision is you, but hopefully you have friends and family around you to support you through this horrible time :littleangel:

[AliceK]

Thank you all for your kind words. I always said if anyone ever cheated on my i would not be able to stay with them but when it happen to you its so hard. one day i think yeh we can do this and other days i think i cant. we never fall out or anything like that we do everything together we dont go out without each other, so i always thought he was happy. When i asked him why he did it he said because he could get away with it. My head in bits, I have told him i can only take each day at a time and see what happens> Thanks Sue xxxxx

Yes I understand that completely. I have been in a similar situation. I'll be honest you will always feels that way. You will probably feel bitter and angry and even though you try to bury it you will never completely forgive and forget, it's always there. I gave it 5 years and then I was let down again big style (not in the same way). I threw him out 5mths ago and although we are trying to make a go of things and he no longer lives with us I know a part of my love for him has died and although I do still love him I'm not sure it's enough anymore. I feel very very very angry. He has ruined my life completely. Like you, sometimes I think it's worth fighting for and other times I think whats the point. I can never never trust him again. I can't tell you what to do but I do know whatever you decide it wont be easy :(

xxx

[cathtee]

:group hug: like a lot have said only you can decide, take your time, we are all here if you need support

[Maza]

Sending you hugs and strength. xxx

[wendywu]

I would ask him why he decided to tell you because the affair was over and he wanted to be with you. He must have known he was going to hurt you really badly and for no reason at all as he was staying.

Was he just being selfish and wanting to offload his guilt. So in his mindset he comes first and foremost your felings dont count for toffee. If you decide to keep him just be aware of that.

He could have kept his affair to himself and just concentrated on being a super loving husband. Not impressed :angry:

[Kiddleywinks]

I would ask him why he decided to tell you because the affair was over and he wanted to be with you. He must have known he was going to hurt you really badly and for no reason at all as he was staying.

Was he just being selfish and wanting to offload his guilt. So in his mindset he comes first and foremost your felings dont count for toffee. If you decide to keep him just be aware of that.

He could have kept his affair to himself and just concentrated on being a super loving husband. Not impressed :angry:

I too agree with these sentiments, why did he tell you now?
In my experience, people that have affairs are too weak in themselves to be the one that 'calls time' on their long term relationship/marriage, so tell the other person as a means of passing the buck, particularly if they have strong views on cheaters.
By telling you now about the 2 affairs he's had, is he, for want of a better word, hoping you will end the marriage so he doesn't have to?

A relationship can only be saved if it's what BOTH people want, otherwise you will be fighting a losing battle.

Although time has passed for him, it's very new and very real for you right now, and you're going to need ask deep questions and get answers to those questions for you to make first, a decision about whether the relationship can survive, and second, how you're both going to be able to move on from this.
The trust has been broken, and it is very difficult to bring it back to a higher level, is he prepared to do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to put that right?

So so sorry you're having to go through this, it's not nice, and it's not pleasant when it's the last thing you expect :group hug: