I dont know how to cope :(((

[desiderata]

As some of you are aware I am in the process of divorce: now my daughters Graduation date is coming up and she has just had the email about tickets and she knows I will be there but she has just rung her dad and asked him :angry: and I am upset over this. Perhaps I shouldnt be but as I said to her he doesnt want me anymore and I dont feel like spending a day in his company. At the moment she can only get two tickets and I know from previous experience we wont see much of her throughout the day so know for me what was gonna be a lovely day and turned into a nightmare.
Am I being selfish or would any of you feel like this. I tried explaining to her and she says but its not my fault and hes my dad x

[manjay]

I was divorced 15 years ago and I still feel like this when we have to attend anything together for my dd. We spent a very uncomfortable few days last month when she was rushed into hospital!

Having said that (and completely understanding how you feel) I have tried very hard over the years not to let it affect my dd. Your dd is right, it isn't her fault and she must be finding it really hard wanting you both to be there. Personally I would keep in my mind that it is only one day and try to put your own feelings to one side for the day.

Really don't envy you:(

[missymood]

This also happened to a good friend of mine and she asked me a similiar question! I said that the graduation only happens once and couldn't the two of you show your daughter support for one day. I know it's gonna be hard but is there anyone else that you know you can chat to on the day.

I would hate it if my parents spoiled it for me.

Sorry to sound so harsh.

Best of luck I really feel for you Hun xx

[EmmaReed84]

I can sort of see both sides and I guess if it were me in your position I would swallow that horrible lump and think that this is for your daughter. I be the "better" person in thsi situation.

It is only one day and it won't kill you. And if you makes you feel better take in internet phone with you and :censored: him off on here to us through the day and we will make you laugh :thumbsup:

[manjay]

It is only one day and it won't kill you. And if you makes you feel better take in internet phone with you and :censored: him off on here to us through the day and we will make you laugh :thumbsup:

What a fab idea:thumbsup:

[Bridey]

Your daughter has worked very hard for this special day of hers and you just need to swallow your own feelings and be there to celebrate with her. My mum and dad managed to do this for my brother and they hadn't spoken to each other for over 20 years! They also behaved impeccably at his wedding last year. They've now gone back to not speaking LOL

Go and be proud - you are her parents and she loves you both. What has gone on between you and him mustn't spoil the special milestones in her life.

Perhaps take a nice friend with you who doesn't mind hanging around outside the official bit for a couple of hours and who will then be there to support you when you come out.

[miffy]

It must be so difficult for you BUT this is your daughters day and she wants both of you there.

Try and set your own feelings aside, you don't have to spend the day with him and you could always ask your daughter to ask for tickets in different parts of the hall so you don't have to sit next to him.

I think the phone idea is a good one too!

Miffy xx

[ajs]

I have been to a number of graduations recently ( hubby is a serial student) and although it seems like a day it really isn't. There is a lot of hanging around where you could go and wander around the area and then sitting together in the auditorium, waiting for the graduands to collect their degrees, where it's not really possible to talk anyway then we always go to dinner after but you don't have to join them, just celebrate with your daughter later. I think it potentially could be an ok time if you allowed it to be. But I do like Emma's idea chat to us throughout and we'll support you

[singingcactus]

As with everyone else, it is your daughters day and I get that your ex doesn't want you any more, but he still wants his daughter and as such has the right to share that day with her, and her with him, as well as you. I'm sure there'll be other people there that you know that you can sit by if necessary. But it's your daughters day and she wants BOTH her parents there.

[The Juggler]

oh hon I really feel for you but I would too swallow my hurt and allow dd her day with her mum and dad there.:thumbsup:

[onceinabluemoon]

How you cope is to buy yourself a fabulous posh dress, have a professional manicure, your hair done and a fab new skincare regime. Go out feeling like a million dollars, be civil or even nice to the ex (it will make you look good to dd and will throw him as he'll be expecting you to be horrid).

I'm sure that Emma was only joking when she suggested it but don't do the mobile phone thing, that is so disrespectful of all the hard work your dd has put in over the last 3 years...

You may not even have to sit together, although it would be nice for dd if you could set aside your differences for one day. Just remember it could be the biggest thing she ever celebrates and make it perfect for her. Remind yourself that it's not about you at all and keep calm and smile through gritted teeth if necessary. (My graduation was a complete anticlimax due to my family, please don't do this to your dd)

Good luck hunni, it will be a tough day but so worth it when you see her up on that stage.

[missymood]

I can sort of see both sides and I guess if it were me in your position I would swallow that horrible lump and think that this is for your daughter. I be the "better" person in thsi situation.

It is only one day and it won't kill you. And if you makes you feel better take in internet phone with you and :censored: him off on here to us through the day and we will make you laugh :thumbsup:

That's so funny but true :thumbsup:

[EmmaReed84]

I'm sure that Emma was only joking when she suggested it but don't do the mobile phone thing, that is so disrespectful of all the hard work your dd has put in over the last 3 years...


:blush: Erm well kinda being serioius actually lol.

I didn't mean just slate him all day long and ignore everything going on and just be a you know what. More of a if he is being an :censored: then she can have a bit of a moan and we are all here to support her.

[WibbleWobble]

i went to emily's graduation 2 years ago in london.

She asked her dad to attend....a man who....nice as he is (he has a drug problem -reason why i left him when she was born) he has never provided anything towards her upkeep.

My hubby has treated her like his own....it is always him who she runs to if she needs any money or ahand like putting up shelves, driving her to uni and unpacking all her stuff etc.

Phil was a bit upset....i know he was but he also realised she wanted her real dad there and it was what she wanted which was inportant.

so i had to sit there...next to him....knowing all his secrets....hoping he wasnt that high and get stupid

he behaved well (thank goodness) and went down a storm with the students ....he has never got out of 1987....so he is on their level...he might be seen as cool...i see him as a man who is messed up and still thinks he s a kid even though he is nearly 50....sorry gone off on one there!


so i do have some understanding.....its hard love. esp when you could just throttle them!


mandy xxx

[merry]

I'm sure that Emma was only joking when she suggested it but don't do the mobile phone thing, that is so disrespectful of all the hard work your dd has put in over the last 3 years...


I'm sure she doesn't mean during the ceremony, but there's an awful lot of standing around waiting while your child dashes around with their friends, waits for gowns, photos etc. Even with dh to chat to during these times it was quite boring for us, and if you can't get a friend to go with you to hang around for these times at least having a phone would be some company.

:)

[caz3007]

I am also divorced from my older two's dad and whilst family stuff has been really difficult over the years, I decided that its something I had to do for the children. Its been 11 years and last November I had to come face to face with him for the first time in several years. I wasnt aware he was going to turn up at my DD's pub the day we were visiting her until we arrived. I was shaking and felt really sick, but it wasnt that bad.

You have to do it for your DD, dont miss out on sharing her special day and remember you are both her parents and if she wants you both there, then so be it.

Find a knockout outfit like someone else suggested and make a real effort so its one in the eye for him.

[LOOPYLISA]

I was divorced 15 years ago and I still feel like this when we have to attend anything together for my dd. We spent a very uncomfortable few days last month when she was rushed into hospital!

Having said that (and completely understanding how you feel) I have tried very hard over the years not to let it affect my dd. Your dd is right, it isn't her fault and she must be finding it really hard wanting you both to be there. Personally I would keep in my mind that it is only one day and try to put your own feelings to one side for the day.

Really don't envy you:(

I agree here :thumbsup:

[desiderata]

Thanks people xx knew I could rely on you x think I may just get a nice new outfit . maybe even a dress (havent worn one in years ) and be nice xxx thanks for the friendship it really means a lot at a time like this x

[miffy]

Yes, get yourself a new dress, have your hair done and then have a lovely photo taken with your dd as a lovely momento of a very special day.:)

Miffy xx

[sarah707]

I have managed parents evenings, birthday parties, even a meal one night...

He's still a complete idiot but he's not my idiot any more and I smile and let him carry on knowing he can't embarrass me or hurt me again because I am stronger now than I was before and I won't let him :D

[Katiekoo]

As the daughter of divorced parents, I can tell you, you have to do whatever it takes to get through this for your dd.
My parents remained civil and even pleasant at times (once divorce was agreed) in my presence and I am so thankful now as an adult.
You have no choice but to prepare yourself thoroughly, rise above anything that is thrown at you and support your dd.
Actually you have to remain virtually silent through the ceremony anyway, so you only have to get there, get seated, have photos and leave. it's a very long day though and it will be so hard.
Try to travel separately, then maybe suggest separate after ceremony celebrations too, and definately give any gifts seperately (always a point of argument). I would get all this agreed before hand so everyone knows what to expect on the day, dad is probably dreading it too. Dad could take her for a meal after and you could do something nice in the evening?
You will get through it, you will always remember it as an ordeal, but hopefully your dd will just remember feeling the love of both her parents.

[Twinkles]

How you cope is to buy yourself a fabulous posh dress, have a professional manicure, your hair done and a fab new skincare regime. Go out feeling like a million dollars, be civil or even nice to the ex (it will make you look good to dd and will throw him as he'll be expecting you to be horrid).


I was going to say exactly the same thing.

Take the high ground.

Look fabulous.

Be all peaceful and serene and smile as if you have a fabulous secret ( or have just had great sex that morning :eek:)

[Mel_Johnson]

My husbands parents are divorced and both attend his graduation. Unforntunatley his Mum refused to talk to his Dad and made it very awkward for him as he didn't know who to talk to without causing upset. He had 3 tickets so I was there as well (Was very uncomfortable to sit through with them both!!) We ended up just talk to his friends and their parents. His Mum refused to talk to his Dad and was miserable all day. She went home without a word to anyone at some point and made a big deal about something afterwards (I think she was having a go at my hubby for talking to his Dad too much or his Dad trying to talk to him all the time and she didn't like it). He was only 20 and had spent 3 hard years working for this and it was runined for him by them. Things were not right between him and his Mum again after that. He lost all respect for her.
Anyway what I am trying to say is be careful if can't find a way to be nice to your ex and it causes a problem it will effect your dd deeply and the last thing you want is let him effect your relationship with her.

[wendywu]

You will cope because you are a woman and a mum.

And in the grand scheme of things there are many worse situations you could have had to go through.

So grit your teeth, don your glad rags and lippy and put on a brave face. You are there for your daughter.

Woman power will overcome all :clapping:

[JCrakers]

Its something you will have to do if you want your dd to be happy.

My parents divorced 5yrs before I got married and I invited both of them to my wedding. My Mum had a new partner and didnt want to attend on her own as they were living together and my Dad had a lady friend who he saw a lot of.
But he wouldnt come if my Mum and new partner were there so he wasnt at my wedding.
I was upset at the time but it was his loss at the end of the day. I know it was painful for him but he could have put it behind him for 1 day. :( but he didnt.

[mindingmummy]

I wouldnt want to be in your shoes with this one, BUT you have to do this for your daughter....

Put it the other way around. If your daughter was with her Dad, and didnt invite you along because he didn't want to spend the day with you that would be horrid. Its her special day and she will want you both there.

:(