Grandparents as carers.

[nikki thomson]

I made a very interesting observation today at the park, a few years ago when going to the park in the hols especially you would see many a cm with an array of children but today there was non that I could see but there were absolutely loads of grandparents with there grandchildren in fact 9 out 10 I would say we're grandparents.
I got chatting to one lady with her 5 grandchildren and she was saying there mums 2 of them had a cm term time only and use to have them part time in hols with care provided half and half with her but they didn't want to pay cm 50% when they wern't there so changed to term time only and now she cares for them all in the hols (all boys) aged from about 5 -10yrs, she said its really hard work as she's 75 !!! But wants to help her children.
I think more and more people are calling on there parents to help out with childcare to help keep costs down. No replies needed just an observation i thought I'd share. X

[sarahjane]

I have this alot during term time too, parents share the care between myself and grandparents and although I can see the reason why (financial) and the benefits that the children get from time with their grandparents I do sometimes wish they didn't do this as their behaviour is often worse after a couple of days with grandparents :rolleyes:
I also feel a little sorry for the grandparents as when you are in your 60's and 70's a small person is alot of hard work, but like you say often they feel they want to help their children out financially so carry on uncomplaining when really it may be a bit too much.

[Mouse]

I had sibling mindees a couple of years ago who I had until they started school. I then had them a couple of days after school and was supposed to have them 2 or 3 days a week during holidays. Parents then decided to send them to grandparents instead during hols. By the end of the six weeks summer hols mum was phoning me up to ask if I could fit them in for the final week - it had got too much for granny.
These 2 children were very well behaved for me, but I know they could be very hard work for granny & I think it wore her down having them so much :(

[caz3007]

I have shared care with grandparents and one particular pair were really challenging, I am sure it was all the different parenting styles, as there was myself, mum and 2 grandmas.

At our toddler group there are more and more grandmas with small children who attend weekly and my Auntie looks after her 2 year old granddaughter one day a week and she finds it really hard work.

Personally I feel that my mum has done her share of child rearing, so wouldnt dream of asking her to give up her time to look after my children for any length of time, it just seems unfair to me

[Bridey]

My SIL has just had twins and has made some noises about going back to work part-time because she gets fantastic perks and private healthcare. She has hinted that mum and I could share the care of the babies for her in our capacity as auntie and grandma.

As much as my mum and I love the new babies we've both made very definite noises that neither of us will be offering to look after them while she is at work. (If they want to use me in an official capacity then that is is different matter).

We do not want to give up our free time (or two childcare places) and be tied down to someone else's routine, exhausted running after two toddlers for nothing while my bro and SIL benefit from extra salary and private healthcare. He has a really good job (has a much, much bigger income than either myself or mum) and she doesn't actually have to work. If she chooses to (nothing wrong with that) then they have to organise and pay for childcare like everyone else.

I really admire my mum for being firm on this one. She's raised 3 kids and worked and is determined to enjoy her retirement on her terms.

Of course, as auntie and grandma we are both available anytime for cuddles, play and babysitting :)

[Ripeberry]

My SIL has just had twins and has made some noises about going back to work part-time because she gets fantastic perks and private healthcare. She has hinted that mum and I could share the care of the babies for her in our capacity as auntie and grandma.

As much as my mum and I love the new babies we've both made very definite noises that neither of us will be offering to look after them while she is at work. (If they want to use me in an official capacity then that is is different matter).

We do not want to give up our free time (or two childcare places) and be tied down to someone else's routine, exhausted running after two toddlers for nothing while my bro and SIL benefit from extra salary and private healthcare. He has a really good job (has a much, much bigger income than either myself or mum) and she doesn't actually have to work. If she chooses to (nothing wrong with that) then they have to organise and pay for childcare like everyone else.

I really admire my mum for being firm on this one. She's raised 3 kids and worked and is determined to enjoy her retirement on her terms.

Of course, as auntie and grandma we are both available anytime for cuddles, play and babysitting :)

Too many parents are afraid to say NO to their kids even when their adults. So does anything ever change? I never had the luxury of calling on my own parents or parents in law as my own mum was very ill and there is no way they could have had the kids not even for 1hr and my MIL/FIL they were not well either.
So I've never had any family look after my own kids, always had to find babysitters or friends. Makes me angry sometimes when some of the mums up at the school moan that their own mum won't look after their grandchildren for a weekend so they can go out and party :mad:

[nikki thomson]

Too many parents are afraid to say NO to their kids even when their adults. So does anything ever change? I never had the luxury of calling on my own parents or parents in law as my own mum was very ill and there is no way they could have had the kids not even for 1hr and my MIL/FIL they were not well either.
So I've never had any family look after my own kids, always had to find babysitters or friends. Makes me angry sometimes when some of the mums up at the school moan that their own mum won't look after their grandchildren for a weekend so they can go out and party :mad:

That's a very interesting point you make, I live along way from my parents so it's not an option anyway but you know my sister use to leave her 3 with my mum every weekend when they were little, I use to say to mum say no, my mum works 5 and a half days a week and has done since I was 6 when she went back to work.
Me and my dh who have 3 children the eldest being 8 Have never ever spent a night together away from them apart from our wedding night. My mum has said bring them up here and leave them with us for a few days but I honestly feel they've done there bit and mum works really hard and she's well into her 60's now so I don't want to put on her, there my children my responsibility. X

[jumping j]

my mum currently has my niece and nephew every wednesday and as much as she loves spending time with them and wants to help out it tires her out. At a time when she wanted to be relaxing and winding down she's suddenly busier than she used to be.
At playgroup about half of the people there are grandparents.

[caz3007]

That's a very interesting point you make, I live along way from my parents so it's not an option anyway but you know my sister use to leave her 3 with my mum every weekend when they were little, I use to say to mum say no, my mum works 5 and a half days a week and has done since I was 6 when she went back to work.
Me and my dh who have 3 children the eldest being 8 Have never ever spent a night together away from them apart from our wedding night. My mum has said bring them up here and leave them with us for a few days but I honestly feel they've done there bit and mum works really hard and she's well into her 60's now so I don't want to put on her, there my children my responsibility. X

We are the same, I have two grown up children and a DS 8. We go out once a year without him together and thats to hubbies xmas do. His sister babysits and I know she would do it more often for us if we ask, but she works long hours and lives about 10 miles away so I feel its a lot to ask. My family all lives 80 miles away and my hubby lost his mum a long long time ago but she would be elderley if she was still around.

We did manage a night away last year as my older DS looked after little DS but again its not something we would ask all the time, and cant see it happening this year due to cost.

But like you say he is our child and our responsibility. It was the same when my older two were small i didnt have family close by to help out and we hardly went out together

[loocyloo]

when we lived close to family, grandparents would sometimes babysit or have the children to sat overnight, not necessarily because we were going anywhere, but as a treat for the children.
when DH moved to where we now live, and the children and i stayed home, my mum used to babysit once a week so i could go to choir practice, and MIL used to come over to pick up DS and drive him to his choir practice that i couldn't do as it was right in the middle of pick up time! that was for about 6 mths in total and i still managed to get friends to help out too, so they didn't have to do it every week!
my SIL seems to constantly land her mother with her children AND cats !!! ( MIL moans about it but says she has to say yes! )

[Bridey]

my SIL seems to constantly land her mother with her children AND cats !!! ( MIL moans about it but says she has to say yes! )

That's just it isn't it. Grandparents are manipulated into helping from guilt and fear of not seeing their grandchildren if they don't. Its so sad.

[Ripeberry]

when we lived close to family, grandparents would sometimes babysit or have the children to sat overnight, not necessarily because we were going anywhere, but as a treat for the children.
when DH moved to where we now live, and the children and i stayed home, my mum used to babysit once a week so i could go to choir practice, and MIL used to come over to pick up DS and drive him to his choir practice that i couldn't do as it was right in the middle of pick up time! that was for about 6 mths in total and i still managed to get friends to help out too, so they didn't have to do it every week!
my SIL seems to constantly land her mother with her children AND cats !!! ( MIL moans about it but says she has to say yes! )

But why don't more grandparents say "No it's not convenient". Do they think that they will not be able to see the grandchildren again. Their own kids will hate them? They are adults and need to discuss things properly and not assume that they will always help out. I know a friend who needs childcare for after school. She lives far from me but she had found the perfect CM to care for the child for a couple of hours after school each day.
Oh but no! The dad insisted that his elderly mother almost 75yrs old should make a daily trip by three buses (over 1hr of travelling) to look after the child as he did not want to pay out any money.
He does not refund his mum for the bus either :mad: If I was her I'd go on strike!

[loocyloo]

my mum was good at saying it wasn't convienent :D

and in fact, my MIL seemed to be able to say it to us, ( not that we asked very often! ) but not her daughter :rolleyes: (but thats another story!)

the number of elderly and frail looking grandparents i see looking after small babies & toddlers scares me. i have a babe due to start with me in the autumn whose grandmother is a tad disgruntled that she is not looking after babe, but mum has said she wants gran to enjoy babe and want to spend time with babe, rather than be forced to!

[Ripeberry]

[QUOTE=loocyloo;1084457]my mum was good at saying it wasn't convienent :D

and in fact, my MIL seemed to be able to say it to us, ( not that we asked very often! ) but not her daughter :rolleyes: (but thats another story!)

the number of elderly and frail looking grandparents i see looking after small babies & toddlers scares me. i have a babe due to start with me in the autumn whose grandmother is a tad disgruntled that she is not looking after babe, but mum has said she wants gran to enjoy babe and want to spend time with babe, rather than be forced to![/QUOTe

That's good of the mum. I also see some very elderly people looking after little ones most of the day. I feel tired looking mindees, how do you think they feel?

[primula]

What about childminders that are grandparents being 'asked' to look after their grandchildren for nothing. A childminder friend has had all the grandchildren about 9 of them:eek: I often wonder if they have had more kids because the childcare is free!! but thats just me being a miserable you-know- what! she feels she cant say no because she did it for the first grandchild! so she has to take extra kids to make up the money, its too much for her.

[kellib]

My Mum couldn't take my son as she still has a full time job of her own!

My own Granny & Grandad retired 4 months before I had my son and my Granny made it clear that I was on my own when it came to looking after him, they'd be available for babysitting etc but not to watch every day. They haven't looked after any of us grandchildren again because they had jobs of their own! :D I wouldn't have asked them though, they've raised their 3 children, retirement is their time to enjoy. Yes they do take my son out on day trips etc but that's their choice, they do it because they want to not because they feel they have to.

[jelly15]

In my family it is the great grandparents helping out:panic:. My sister (the grandmother) works partime as does my niece (the mother) and if their shifts over lap my parents help out. They are in their seventies and my mother is not in the best of health but when I suggest it is too much for them looking after a two year old I get shouted down by all parties:(.