Am I wrong to ask?

[Gherkin]

I don't normally moan about my old man but here I go....

Myself and a neighbour/good friend have agreed to hold keys to each others houses (we live 2 doors apart).

Rather than get keys cut I suggested to my dh that he ask his parents for their set back. They live 12 miles away and in the 8 years we have lived in our house they have only ever used the keys once - and that was to use the loo as they couldn't wait the 5 minutes for me to get back from the school run.

Dh flipped his lid and accused me of shutting his parents out!!! Now this led me to flipping my lid and telling him to get some backbone where his parents are concerned.

My parents have lived near us for 18 months and regularly pop in/help us out, take the kids to their swim lessons, etc etc. His parents can't even be bothered to visit us as "the traffic will be too bad" - seriously the journey takes 20 mins maximum and thats at rush hour. These are the parents that he readily admits are miserable and live in a bubble. They are also (according to my husbands therapist - he has been suffering from depression)"toxic parents" who have vastly contributed to my husbands depression.

They do not use the keys, they do not need the keys. Am I wrong to expect him to be able to ask for the keys back?

He is now not talking to me because of this whole debacle.

Gx

[Mouse]

I don't know the answer, but I know from experience that husbands can be very sensitive where their parents are concerned :rolleyes:

[kindredspirits]

no, you're not wrong to ask - but is £5 to get a new key cut worth all the stress and heartache?

[george]

Speaking from very good experiance of depression i feel it may be much harder for your husband to ask for the keys back from his parents than u perhaps realise esp if like you/therapist say they are the main source of his depression, if he is still seeking therapy that is more draining than people actually realise, im sure with this therapy and your support one day he will get stronger in how he deals with his parents but this will not happen overnight, im sure it would help him a lot if you put your arms around him and told him that you understand how difficult it would be for him and agree to have an extra set of keys cut, i know from my own experiance when people tell me how things should be it just makes it so much harder but if i know there is no pressure to do things a certain way i feel stronger, im not taking sides and i understand that his parents are frustrating but to help his depression he needs to deal with them when hes ready than i am sure they will get the message loud n clear xx

[The Juggler]

hon, much as I see your view I think George may be right. he is worried about their reaction when he/you ask for the keys back.

it's not worth it :(

[Twinkles]

I agree with George. It's less to do with the keys and more to do with the lack of support he feels from his parents.

Be graceful on this one , say you're sorry for upsetting him and get some new keys cut.

[angeldelight]

I agree with George. It's less to do with the keys and more to do with the lack of support he feels from his parents.

Be graceful on this one , say you're sorry for upsetting him and get some new keys cut.

Yes I agree

Hope you sort it out

Angel xx

[Cammie Doodle]

Im with George on this one too, and remember it is ok for him to "Slate" his folks but not nice to hear it from others. Give him a cuddle and get a new key cut:)

[miffy]

I see where you're coming from BUT don't think it's worth the hassle, make up with your hubby and get some new keys cut.

Miffy xx

[ORKSIE]

Hope everything is ok now.

I would also find it difficult to ask my parents for a key back, as I know they would take it completely the wrong way.

I would much rather pay to get another cut.

Big hugs

xx

[rickysmiths]

I can see where you are coming from and it is completely logical but as far as where your dh is concerned it isn't.

I agree with the others just get another set of keys cut its not worth the arguments.

[Mollymop]

I'm on your hubbies side with this I am afraid.
If it were me I would just get new keys cut for my friend and leave it at that.

[Bridey]

I too grew up with a 'toxic' parent. I only realised, while doing Safeguarding, that I had been subjected to systematic emotional abuse all my life. It has taken a lot of strength (and a little bit of help) to move on from the damage this parent caused.

I still tolerate them for the sake of the family and can cope with their company in short doses. However, any in depth conversation about them brings back all the old feelings and I can react tearfully or angrily towards the person who is trying to talk to me. I can't help it, I can only cope if I can pretend nothing ever happened and everything's normal. All my life I have tried to seek approval from this parent and, now in my 40s, I find myself still continuing to do so. The pressure can be immense.

Please be kind to your husband, get the keys cut and stop comparing your lovely parents to his less lovely ones. It can be very distressing seeing other people having the wonderful relationship with their family that you can only ever dream about.

[The Juggler]

I too grew up with a 'toxic' parent. I only realised, while doing Safeguarding, that I had been subjected to systematic emotional abuse all my life. It has taken a lot of strength (and a little bit of help) to move on from the damage this parent caused.

I still tolerate them for the sake of the family and can cope with their company in short doses. However, any in depth conversation about them brings back all the old feelings and I can react tearfully or angrily towards the person who is trying to talk to me. I can't help it, I can only cope if I can pretend nothing ever happened and everything's normal. All my life I have tried to seek approval from this parent and, now in my 40s, I find myself still continuing to do so. The pressure can be immense.

Please be kind to your husband, get the keys cut and stop comparing your lovely parents to his less lovely ones. It can be very distressing seeing other people having the wonderful relationship with their family that you can only ever dream about.

hugs hon. how awful for you. I remember you posted about this before :( this realisation has recently come to a close friend of mine - also in her 40's - it's so awful that she is now grieving - it's hard to help. in some ways it's a relief for her. What's worse is she was adopted so you think her parent would be even more eager to give her a happy childhood :(

[Bridey]

hugs hon. how awful for you. I remember you posted about this before :( this realisation has recently come to a close friend of mine - also in her 40's - it's so awful that she is now grieving - it's hard to help. in some ways it's a relief for her. What's worse is she was adopted so you think her parent would be even more eager to give her a happy childhood :(

I have huge sympathy for your friend. I found a few sessions of cognitive hypnotherapy a big help in getting me to accept it wasn't my fault and to stop judging myself by my parent's unreasonable standard. I also accepted that my parent was very damaged by their own terrible childhood and has no idea that what they are doing is wrong. Some broken people just can't be mended but I'm not one of them and your friend doesn't have to be either.

[The Juggler]

I have huge sympathy for your friend. I found a few sessions of cognitive hypnotherapy a big help in getting me to accept it wasn't my fault and to stop judging myself by my parent's unreasonable standard. I also accepted that my parent was very damaged by their own terrible childhood and has no idea that what they are doing is wrong. Some broken people just can't be mended but I'm not one of them and your friend doesn't have to be either.

thanks honey. that's good to hear. do you know she only found out because she had an NLP session to help with panic attacks following her divorce. She thought it was weird because her and ex hubby were getting on quite well so they should've stopped. That's when she found it was down to her mum :( I think for several years her mum had turned her toxicity towards my friends ex-hubby but after he was out of the picture it was refocused on my friend.

I know what you mean about the cycle (I remember doing lots of theory on this in my degree) and it is so lovely to hear that the cycle can be broken. I'm so glad the CBT has helped you hon :)

[CH1957]

I too grew up with a 'toxic' parent. I only realised, while doing Safeguarding, that I had been subjected to systematic emotional abuse all my life. It has taken a lot of strength (and a little bit of help) to move on from the damage this parent caused.

I still tolerate them for the sake of the family and can cope with their company in short doses. However, any in depth conversation about them brings back all the old feelings and I can react tearfully or angrily towards the person who is trying to talk to me. I can't help it, I can only cope if I can pretend nothing ever happened and everything's normal. All my life I have tried to seek approval from this parent and, now in my 40s, I find myself still continuing to do so. The pressure can be immense.

Please be kind to your husband, get the keys cut and stop comparing your lovely parents to his less lovely ones. It can be very distressing seeing other people having the wonderful relationship with their family that you can only ever dream about.



Its surprising how many of us grew up with toxic parents. If it hadnt been for my very loving grandmother I would have been a lot more damaged! I too am still seeking approval and constantly being rejected, whereas my siblings can do no wrong!
Give your husband a break and get new keys cut, its not worth the argument :)

[Twinkles]

Sadly I can relate to this only too well.
Although my mother has changed somewhat now she's nearly 80 the damage to my self esteem was immeasurable.

I thank God that my DH saved me from my path of self destruction.

Every now and then she will still strike out and it still hurts but now I try to back off and let her get on with it.

Sometimes , I will be very sad/jealous/ when I see how close and loving other mother/daughter relationships can be.

[Jiorjiina]

I don't think you're wrong to want the keys back, I do think you might be to expect your DH to ask for them.

Perhaps sit down together and calmly talk about why you feel it is a logical choice, and why he feels it means you are shutting his parents out.

Possibly reassure him that you aren't trying to shut his parents out, that they are always welcome anytime they want to come, and that collecting their keys from them is not taking away an open invitation to your house.

[george]

Hi
Just wanted to check how things are for you and your hubbie?

Hope you are talking and managed to work things out?

Take care

George xx

[EmmaReed84]

I know you have already had loads of answers the same but I also think it is easier to just get another key cut. I live in a small town and my Neighbour, MIL, and DH's Nan all have a key to our house, in the 3 years we have lived here they have never needed it, but you just never know. It is sods law, that you ask for it back and something happens then you say "I wish I had just let them keep the key"

Hope it is all sorted out now xxx