Death and Funerals

[Pipsqueak]

sorry for the morbidity of this. having attended a close family members funeral today has set me - and the kids (who coped brilliantly) thinking.

Do you have funeral plans and who are they with - any company recommendations? Its made me think - I need to get these plans sorted and a will made so my family don't have to do all that at a difficult time. Plus it will be how I want it and I don't want a really solemn service.

Also, it got my older two discussing it - Rob was asking me how we would do his funeral.... (bought tears to my eyes) and so I asked him, how would he want it. He is going to think about it and tell me and we'll write it down. I told him that I would make sure it was a celebration of his life and reflective of him.
(This is the deep thinking child who at the age of 7 decided that he wanted to be an organ donor because if he could help someone else live then so be it). Deep deep thinking.

[PixiePetal]

Hope your day wasn't too bad - we have had our fair share of family funerals. DS was 10 at the last one, DD 12. As we had 2 within 3 weeks, there was a lot of talk about what we wanted for ourselves.

I really should get our wishes written down somewhere, just to make sure our thoughts when alive are taken into account when we are no longer here.

I have discussed what people should wear, who needs to come, cremation and where I would like ashes scattered as well as music I love. Might sound morbid but better to be prepared and then put it to the back of your mind and enjoy life.

My children are pretty deep too.

[nikki thomson]

i think it is good to talk about these things but my husband is a soldier and is due to go back to afghan in a couple of weeks for a six month tour i can't even comprehend thinking about death, i try to shield the children from media coverage about afghan because they get so upset but my husband always writes me a letter before he goes, until now and hopefully always i never know what the contents are, only to be opened in the event that he gets killed.
i just can't think about it. x

[Pipsqueak]

i think it is good to talk about these things but my husband is a soldier and is due to go back to afghan in a couple of weeks for a six month tour i can't even comprehend thinking about death, i try to shield the children from media coverage about afghan because they get so upset but my husband always writes me a letter before he goes, until now and hopefully always i never know what the contents are, only to be opened in the event that he gets killed.
i just can't think about it. x

I cannot imagine just how hard it is for you and other military OH's.
I can remember how hard my sister found it when he (now ex) husband was in the Navy and posted out to The Falklands during the war. It was such a worrying time and I was only quite young at the time.

Hats of to your hubby and his colleagues - wishing them all a safe deployment and that they come back safe and sound

[Ripeberry]

Make a will and make sure everyone knows where it is. I've made one, did when my first child was born. Yes it's morbid, but even a basic funeral costs more than £3,000 and when my DH's mum passed away the year before my own mum, we made sure that we knew exactly what we would want to happen.
Funerals are about the celebration of a life. Yes we will be sad, but it's what you did in life that is important.
I'm dreading Mother's day this year as it will be the first time that I've been without my own mum. I so DON'T want to do Mother's day crafts with the mindees this year.
I think the parents will understand

[The Juggler]

not really funeral plans as such but we have all picked our funeral song - the kids included - it changes regularly but we openly discuss what we'd like.

we are just doing our will - i know .... we should have one already but the main reason is guardianship of the kids if we both go horrible subject

hope you and Bri are ok after today honey

[clorogue]

Enduring power of attorney is worth thinking about too....

[nikki thomson]

I cannot imagine just how hard it is for you and other military OH's.
I can remember how hard my sister found it when he (now ex) husband was in the Navy and posted out to The Falklands during the war. It was such a worrying time and I was only quite young at the time.

Hats of to your hubby and his colleagues - wishing them all a safe deployment and that they come back safe and sound

Thanku, it usually doesn't bother me with him going away, done it so many times before but I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach this time, I think maybe it's because we lost 6 soldiers just two days ago? It's really bothered me, i'm sure once he's gone I'll be fine, the lead up to it is the worse time tbh. X

[Roseolivia]

We haven't discussed funeral wishes but we have just got our wills sorted, mainly for the kids. We want to make sure they're safe if anything happens to us both at the same time.

[chez]

nikki thomson just wanted to send your family huge hugs, I was brought up with dad always going to sea as a Royal Navy Sailor and so I know a bit about what you guys are going through. Even now them memories bring me to tears and he came back safely every time. Thinking about you all in this build up I agree knowing its going to happen is always worse.

[Kiddleywinks]

My brother died in a motorbike accident a couple of years ago and it was a harrowing time for us all as a family, not just because we'd lost him so unexpectedly but because his mum had died 12 months earlier - again unexpectedly and my siblings were still paying for her funeral at the time.

Having to find money from nowhere to pay for even the most basic funeral is a nightmare, and then trying to organise it, taking into account everyone elses thoughts/ideas etc is just not an experience I want to do again in a hurry (there are 11 of us and even down to choosing the music caused ructions)

I sat down with my kids and have gone through everything with them, I made my own mum sort out her will and funeral arrangements so there could be no arguments about what SHE wanted and would recommend everyone takes the time to think about what they want and make a note of it somewhere, particularly if it's not something they want to discuss openly.

You never think it's going to happen to you, our kid was only 29 at the time, left behind a 3 yr old daughter Still miss him terribly

@Nikki I have nothing but the greatest admiration and respect for the families of our fantastic forces, father & a brother are ex forces, as are several friends husbands, so I echo Pip's words - may they all have a safe deployment and return home safely x

[rickysmiths]

Enduring power of attorney is worth thinking about too....

We have done this with my Dad and my MIL but the rules have changed now still worth looking at though while everyone is of sound mind so to speak.

[sue m]

I lost my Mum in September and we're not a religious family at all and Mum and I didn't discuss it but I decided, and I think she'd have been very pleased with it, to have a Humanist Service. A lot of people there said it was 'the best' funeral they'd been to.

A lovely lady came to see me and we chatted about Mum, her life as a young woman and with Dad and me and we put a few 'funny' bits in, everyone who knew Mum knew that she always looked on the black side of things so when she said this, everyone who was sobbing had a little giggle. I kept it light.

I've only got to enter a Church and see a vicar whether it's for a funeral or a wedding and I'm off, the tears come but this was really lovely. We didn't have any hymns, just Mums favourite record playing quietly throughout. And that's what I want when I pop off.

I made a will when I was in my 30's. I've changed it a few times since then.

I have an Enduring Power of Attorney for Steve - think it's called Lasting Power of Attorney now. (As some of you know, he's in a nursing home with advanced alzheimer's.)

As Ripeberry says, the basic funeral is over £3,000 now so I really think it's all very much worth thinking about. x

[loocyloo]

we have wills and guardianship for the children sorted out. ( i think there is a bit in our wills about providing for the funeral )

and i have a file on the computor of bits of music, reading etc that people say they like/want at their funeral. my dad died a coupleof years ago, and my mum talked alot about what she would want ( white horses, plumes of black feathers and lots of lilies ... she likes to be noticed! )

but i think i will work things about a bit more formally.

i know when daddy died, the funeral director just sent a bill to the solicitor sorting out the will and the estate paid it.

i admire all the brave men and women going to fight, and their families at home. big hugs to you all xxx

[kindredspirits]

me and DH have discussed this a lot in the past and he has made it quite clear the type of funeral he wants, or rather doesn't want - i think its really important to make sure that you have your wishes written down so that your loved ones don't have to make decisions based on what they think you'd want - and it also stops the unscrupulous funeral directors selling to you in a bereft state. when my DH's dad died in Majorca he was repatriated in a lovely coffin and they still tried to sell his mum a new very expensive coffin because the other one had got very slightly chipped - as my DH pointed out, its going underground so it really doesn't matter. you should not be guilted into spending a lot of money to prove that your loved one was special.
DH has even insisted no herse - he doesn't want his kids having to follow one doing 2 miles an hour etc.

[FussyElmo]

Its hard making decisions for someone else when my brother died i had to organise the funeral and I had to make assumptions about what i thought he would have wanted - I hope I got it right

[Pipsqueak]

I am interested in a Humanist service - do you have any more information about this please?

Also - for funeral plans can anyone recommend a good plan/company - was looking at the Co-Op - they always seem quite a reputable company.

[sue m]

I am interested in a Humanist service - do you have any more information about this please?

Also - for funeral plans can anyone recommend a good plan/company - was looking at the Co-Op - they always seem quite a reputable company.

Hi Pip,

It was the funeral director who asked me what kind of service I wanted and I sat there pulling faces not really wanting to say "not a religious" one and he suggested it so you can ask him. Mum's was in Yorkshire so not that close close to you but I'll find the stuff it you want and I can scan it and email it to you. Just to let you see what it's all about.

I'm looking at paying for Steve's funeral 'up front' and was thinking of the Co-op.

[breezy]

We've just started thinking of wills.
I want a woodland burial and all my family know, other than that I'm not fussed!

[The Juggler]

I am interested in a Humanist service - do you have any more information about this please?

Also - for funeral plans can anyone recommend a good plan/company - was looking at the Co-Op - they always seem quite a reputable company.

Pip I've been to 2 lovely (as they can be) humanist services. One even had an eco bamboo coffin. At the end we all threw rosemary over the coffin as it's supposed to be good for remembrance (and we've got and put rosemary where the ashes are scattered each year since too).

It was such a lovely service and there are lots of people that offer it. They usually ask a family member friend to read the 'life story' to tell what the person was really like and why peopel loved him.