Don't know what to do????

**emmadines** · 07-02-2012, 09:23 PM

Hello,

We have just had a phone call from the in laws telling us that Grandad (Hubbys Grandad) has pneumonia and has had a stroke, he has already got problems with angina, the hospital are not expecting him to make it through the night. I'm not writing him off but from experience having a stroke and pneumonia is not a good mix for a 90 + year old.

at the moment things are going round in my head, I'm not feeling worried about him, prob as there is little I can do, so hubbys prob thinking I'm a cold hearted mare.

The thing is Hubby said we are going to have to talk to the kids tomorrow, I have actually put my foot down and told him there is nothing to tell the kids yet so we are not telling them anything... especially before they go to school. DD is 6 and DS is almost 10. they know about illness, death etc but I don't think they need to worry about this at this point in time.

If the worst happens I have no idea what or how to tell the children, I don't want to feed them loads of fluff that they think its a fairy tale if that makes sense!!

Heck........................ why now????

**kindredspirits** · 07-02-2012, 09:28 PM

sorry to hear this - sending prayers your way i hope he's not suffering.
i agree theres no point telling the kids until there is something to tell

hugs xx

**Cariad** · 07-02-2012, 09:29 PM

What terrible news and such a dilemma. I'd be inclined to side with your hubby though - not to tell them the whole situation but maybe just to let them know that grandad is poorly. It's a tricky situation, that's for sure and if the worst comes to the worst, somehow you find the words xx

**kellib** · 07-02-2012, 09:31 PM

I wouldn't tell them until there's something to tell, I made that decision with my son when my auntie took ill suddenly and I'm so glad I didn't send him off to school with all that information floating about his head.

I was dreading explaining to him when she died and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do but somehow you do find the words.

Thinking of your family x

Pipsqueak · 07-02-2012, 09:54 PM

'I'd perhaps lay some ground work just by saying that Grandad is really quite poorly and in hospital and perhaps leave it at that.

(gosh that sounds extremely callous of me but I don't mean it to be)

**emmadines** · 07-02-2012, 10:08 PM

Originally Posted by Pipsqueak

'I'd perhaps lay some ground work just by saying that Grandad is really quite poorly and in hospital and perhaps leave it at that.

(gosh that sounds extremely callous of me but I don't mean it to be)

your not callous, I am sitting here acting practical and this is how it is type person!

Thanks peeps

**blue bear** · 08-02-2012, 07:19 AM

I think you are wise not burdening your children and then sending them off to school, they need time to talk it through and absorb it all. What if he does pull through won't they keep worrying because it will happen again?best to let them just face it when the worst happens.

Big hugs for all of you, thinking of grandad x

**Tink** · 08-02-2012, 07:22 AM

I wouldn't say anything, it will only play on their minds whilst at school, and he may pull through and be absolutely fine in a few days, (fingers crossed) xxx
Sending you a hug xx

**QualityCare** · 08-02-2012, 09:44 AM

How close are they to grandad perhaps as others have said you should tell them that he's poorly and do they want to make a card, then if anything happens you have the opening to say you know grandad was poorly well because of his age etc etc both will understand especially DS.

**Mouse** · 08-02-2012, 09:49 AM

How are things to day?

When my FIL was ill in hospital we told the children, but didn't tell them he wasn't going to pull through. Then when he died I said "you know how grandad has been ill in hospital? Well, sadly he couldn't get better and has died". They were understandably very upset, but I was glad they'd had some pre-warning.

**dette** · 08-02-2012, 09:54 AM

I've just been through this with my children.Their great nanna (ex husbands nanna)was going down hill rapidly over xmas,she was 91 and had survived stomach cancer 8 year ago.I told the kids that she was very ill and tired and that she was really struggling with everything,even sitting down was hurting her.So when she died about a week later they were prepared for it and kind of happy that she wasnt hurting anymore.Obviously they were still upset but they had a chance to get their head round it first.

**Gherkin** · 08-02-2012, 01:35 PM

My two's great grandma died when they were 4 and 5yo. They understood that she was ill and in hospital. When I told them I explained that her body was tired and that she had died. Althought the extended family is religious we are not so I said that Grandma was with the stars watching over us. (Helped keep the inlaws happy as they are church goers).

There were lots of questions especially about the funeral which was a cremation and I answered them as honestly as possible but kept it simple. Seemed to work.

**EmmaReed84** · 08-02-2012, 01:46 PM

It is such a hard situation and I can see both sides of not telling or telling the children now.

I think if it was me I would use tonight to have a bit of a sit down and a cuddle with the kids and explain that their great granddad is poorly, I would explain that it is ok to feel upset and even have a little cry, it just shows we care. Maybe even get the kids to draw some pictures for their granddad.
I would be as honest as possibly but very sensitive.

If the worst does happen at least you have prepared them emotionally and can then have another sit down and a cuddle and even some tears together.

I never had this as a child and things were kept from me until the worst happened. I felt like my whole world come crashing down at once and didnt know how to cope, no one else was distraught because they kind of new it was coming so I bottled it all up thinking "well no one else is bawling" What I didnt realise is that they already had their tears, but away from me. The result of this is a find it very hard to show emotion like that when bad things happen. I dont think it is healthy and wouldnt want my kids to feel the way I have in the past. It is only thanks to DH that I am learning to be more open.

Just remember whatever you do make sure it is right for you and your family and that you kids will remember it... just encourage them to be honest and that it is ok to cry

**The Juggler** · 08-02-2012, 01:50 PM

oh hon, I'm sorry to hear this. i too, would prepare the children a little by saying grandad is not very well.

**mindingmummy** · 08-02-2012, 02:02 PM

Im so sorry for what your family is going through.

I guess it really depends how much the kids see their Granddad, how close they are to him etc.

When I was a child and my Nan passed I was VERY close to her. My parents told me she wasn't well and 'preped' me for what was going to happen, it was terribly heart breaking but in the long run i'm so grateful that they included me instead of telling me afterwards (which often happens to kids) It wont be easy for them or you.

All my love for you all!

**loocyloo** · 08-02-2012, 02:03 PM

hi there, hope things are as ok as they can be today. hugs

when my dad was (very) ill, we told the children grandpa wasn't very well, and thats why he was tired and needed lots of medicine and rest. then when he went into hospital, we told them he was in hospital and was really ill.

they were upset, but when we told them the next day that he had died, they seemed more able to cope with it, as it wasn't such a surprise.

xxx

**little chickee** · 08-02-2012, 03:24 PM

Mu mum died nearly 5 years ago. She was ill for a while and i gently told my boys ( then aged 3, 6 and 10) that nana was a bit poorly but the doctors were trying to make her better.

During her last week when it was clear that she didnt have long left I told my boys at the weekend that she was not going to be around long. On the Wednesday I kept them off school and we went and spent a couple of hours with my mum ( who was at home) just chatting and the kids were playing.

She died at 7am on the Friday. I didnt tell my boys and sent them to school ( except the 3yo who wasnt at playgroup that day) because I needed time to accept it and be with my dad to help him out.

I told my boys the next day. Im glad I had prepared then as it wasnt so much of a shock although they were still upset. When i sat them down I said I've something to tell you and my eldest said its about Nana isnt it?

Maybe try and wait til the weekend when you can spent time together as i found that their thoughts and questions occured to them gradually and its best if you can answer them as they occur and the kids dont have to ponder on it all day until they get home from school.

**emmadines** · 08-02-2012, 04:32 PM

Hello,

Thank You for your replies, The kids are quiet close to their grandad, I'm going to talk to them about it this afternoon and send them to school with a letter for the teacher Hubbys family are quiet close generally. Grandad has made it through the night and is comfortable and stable, at this time that is all I know. There's talk of him requiring a lot more after care if he pulls through and a DNR in place. (something Im aware off as Ive worked with many people who have survived a stroke!)

I guess times gonna tell.

**emmadines** · 08-02-2012, 09:37 PM

Hello,

well, I told the kids this eve that their great grandad was in hospital and was not very well. they seemed to have taken it well.............. well until my DD (6) came down in a right old state saying that she didn't want great grandad to die.

So we have had another little chat about whats happened and that at this moment in time Great Grandad is seeming better then what he was which is a good sign. she has now gone back to bed a little more settled.

xxx

**loocyloo** · 08-02-2012, 10:21 PM

Originally Posted by emmadines

Hello,

well, I told the kids this eve that their great grandad was in hospital and was not very well. they seemed to have taken it well.............. well until my DD (6) came down in a right old state saying that she didn't want great grandad to die.

So we have had another little chat about whats happened and that at this moment in time Great Grandad is seeming better then what he was which is a good sign. she has now gone back to bed a little more settled.

xxx

big hugs xxx