advice needed

[JCrakers]

Hi,

Just wanted to ask everyone their opinion on this as My Mum dosnt know what to do. My brother is nearly 21yrs and he did really well at school, started uni but didnt get on as he's very shy and didnt make any friends. He had depression which he now seems to be coming out of. He lives at home and he doesnt work but has been for a few interviews.
He spends all day on his Xbox talking to various gamers online. He doesnt go out a lot but he is a lovely brother
Last week he said to my Mum that he wants to go to America for a month as a girl he talks to online has asked him to go over. Hes all up for it.
Apparently shes 25yrs and will put him up for a month and feed him.
My Mum is really worried and doesnt know what to advise him. He's 21 so she cant stop him but shes worrying. In one way she feels it will be good for him but on the other hand why would this woman offer to feed him and put him up?? I am wary but on the otherhand it could all be above board.
This just goes to show that even when your kids are grown up there is still lots to worry about.
Any advice that I could pass on.

[lolli_pop243]

Bexc, I didn't want to read and run on this- I feel for your mom. I would point out the obvious dangers to him-how does he know for sure that she is 25? And that she is not leading him on? If he is hell bent on going, then I guess all mum can do is make sure he has a return ticket, and enough money to fend for himself if things do not turn out the way he expects.

The experience will probably be good for him, as he will discover a world away from the Xbox, but I would be cautious with it all.

Hugs

[singingcactus]

I've met a lot of my gamer friends in the flesh. I'd never want to go stay in their houses for a month, but that's just not my thing. He should be able to check her out before he goes, on gaming forums and the like. As long as he hasn't been asked to keep it all quiet and secret I would imagine it was on the up and up.

[keeks]

What a difficult situation, I really feel for your mum. Has he been talking to this girl via camera at least so that he knows whether she actually is 25 and in fact a girl?

You don't want to take a new friendship away from someone who has had a difficult time, but the world is a big place filled with a lot of crazy people.

Perhaps book a few nights at a hotel where he could meet her and then if it feels ok go to her place? At least make sure he is really aware of the risks.

I hope everything turns out well whatever happens!

xx

[The Juggler]

if it were me, I'd be letting him go but with a warning that sometimes people can purport to be what they are not.

As long as he does not lend her any large sums of money whilst he is there, I can't see the harm

[mama2three]

I would be worried too.
Firstly , can he really afford it? Youve said he isnt working , he will need to have enough money to fund him for a month on top of the airfares - what would he do if they didnt get on , would he need to find accomodation etc , or could his air ticket have a flexible return date?
If all of those factors have been thought through and he is aware of all of the risks etc then actually it sounds like just the thing that could break the depression cycle.
Dont envy your mum though!

[Babycat]

Just another wee pointer.. but its great that he's made aware of all dangers etc although he probably knows. I just want to point out that when I went to America thier culture is very different. After summer camp I was invited many places free board and food. Even with people who met me only a few times. This is their way. It may seem strange to us but may not be strange to her. Just another way to look at it, but ensure that he is contactable and safe etc.

[Goatgirl]

Hi,
In your mum's position I would try to ensure he finds a way to earn enough money before he goes to cover any misfortune such as what if he doesn't want to stay at the girl's house once he's met her in the flesh, or something happens in her family to make it inconvenient. Also I would want my son to be able to feed and accommodate himself should the need arise for other reasons, such as flights home being delayed due to weather conditions, volcanic eruptions etc

In short, if my son was equiped to cope with things going pear shaped, I'd be very excited and happy for him to go. Might well be the making of him

[The Juggler]

Hi,
In your mum's position I would try to ensure he finds a way to earn enough money before he goes to cover any misfortune such as what if he doesn't want to stay at the girl's house once he's met her in the flesh, or something happens in her family to make it inconvenient. Also I would want my son to be able to feed and accommodate himself should the need arise for other reasons, such as flights home being delayed due to weather conditions, volcanic eruptions etc

In short, if my son was equiped to cope with things going pear shaped, I'd be very excited and happy for him to go. Might well be the making of him

i agree! having access to funds in an emergency is a good idea - even if it's to change flights and come home early or get a b&b for the night. thing is I would tend to advise him against going unless he's got the money to support himself for a few days at least.

One other word of warning your mum might want to raise. If this woman is interested in a "grown up" relationship with him and is expectign this in return for bed and board, and your brother just does not click/fancy her for whatever reason, the whole arrangementn might just go pear shaped or even nasty so he will need a contingency plan if this happens.

[JCrakers]

Thanks for your replies, they are very helpful
It's so difficult to know what the best option is. It could be good for him but he needs to be careful.

She's had a good chat and I think he's going to wait a while and not be so rushed. She's pleased with this, so it's on hold for the time being

Thanks for your replies, it's always nice to get different peoples perspectives

[emmadines]

could your mum surggest a "family" holiday out there I know its costly but could proove a type of "best of both worlds type thing"

[rosebud]

I think it sounds very exciting and if this was my son would definitely support him going. I would ensure he knew that if anything went wrong I was only a phone call away and would get him home if necessary. It sounds like he's had a hard time and needs something new in his life, even if only for a short time. Hope it all goes ok.