Life advice, help!.

[LauraS]

Can't think of anyone else to ask, and DH and I have a big decision ahead. DHs company had recently been bought out and he (along with the entire workforce) is about to be made redundant, finishing in May. He has been there since leaving uni so 12 years, and it's a very very scary prospect

He will get about six months salary equivalent for his payoff, and he has applied for other things in the same field and had some success, so realistically it would seem he will probably be able to find another job locallyfairly quickly with perhaps a few k payrise. We had just got used to the idea of redundancy which was a shock in itself.

However, during the redundancy consultation he asked to be considered for any openings at the parent company, and was put forward and yesterday interviewed for a role in IT. It isn't what he has been doing for the last twelve years so his professional qualifications won't be relevant (and will become obsolete, no doubt, if not used over time) but it is what he studied at uni, and it's what he always wanted to do after uni. He is excited and I think it would be good for him. The job comes with an almost 50% payrise! but the catch is that it is about an hour and twenty minutes drive away. I've worked out the figures and the commute and change in package would actually mean a net loss of disposable earnings despite the increase in gross earnings. He would also be home much less, as it stands he goes out at 8.20 and gets home at 16.40. The new job would mean him being out from 6.45 til maybe 6.30 with the commute.

It would seem that the only way we would benefit financially from his increase in earnings would be if we moved, but we have lived here for the last 12 years and have family and children settled in school and extracurricular things etc. I have no idea how long it would take me to rebuild my business, if I even could. I am lucky enough to be full with a steady stream of enquiries here, but have no idea what business might be like there. On the upside, though, house prices are a bit more reasonable where the new office is, and we could perhaps have a bigger house or live a little more rurally and have a change in lifestyle.

I am completely conflicted and don't know what to do for the best. Any sage advise would be really appreciated

[sing-low]

When my DH was thinking about a career change, an older friend said to me 'better to have a happy husband working 8-6 or longer than a miserable one working 9-5'. I don't always agree with her, especially when DH and I are 'ships passing in the night' but overall she was right.

Can you do some research into Childcare demand in the new area? That might help, if you know if your business will be viable or not.

[mama2three]

my oh works in Coventry , about the same time commute as your dh is contemplating.
It does stress him out sometimes , and in the winter he always has an overnight bag in the car and stays over if there is snow etc...
He is usually out of the house from 6.15am til 7.30pm , sometimes later...

It works well for me from a cm perspective , the daytime my home is my business ...he is rarely present when im working...
I suppose we've got used to it and its just 'normal' for us.

On the other hand if you move he will benefit more from the payrise - would this be enough to cover expenses if t took you a while to rebuild your business? And what ages are your children ? If primary age then I wouldn't worry too much about them moving they will soon make friends and join new clubs etc....

Not sure that's helped really!!

[QualityCare]

As DH really wants this job l have to agree with the happy husband working 8-6 than the miserable one working 9-5, could you give it a 6mth trial to see how much the drop in income actually is and how it effects you as a family, by then DH will either enjoy or hate the commute and you and the children will know how his being out of the house for longer effects you all, then decide if a move should be considered. I wouldn't rush into moving to quickly lots of families have a commute of that length or longer and cope.

[Kaybeaa]

My DH took a new job in Leeds 3 years ago with an hour and a half commute there and back. (Although it's mostly 2 hours there and back) and despite the traveling he is much happier. We contemplated moving but decided to stay put in the end and see how he coped with the travel. We were lucky in that his job in Leeds let work from home 1 sometimes 2 days a week so it really saves on petrol. Would this be something that could be viable?

Financially we are probably only about 2k a year better off due to petrol etc (although "on paper" it looks more) but my hubby is much happier. He gets on better with the people, loves his job and has more chance of growth and promotion in the role. With all these things considered I know we made the right choice. I'd advise you to write out a list of pros and cons of moving or staying. That's what we did and it really helped us see clearly xx

[loocyloo]

I feel for you ...
Years ago the company Dh worked for was bought out... as the years passed various other companies became the parent company until they decided to sell off the company and make everyone redundant. Dh was offered a job within the parent company ... More £ but 90 min commute each way. He took job as better than being redundant (would have had 6mth pay) but hated it and the commute. He was leaving before the children woke up and got home just as they went to bed and was too tired to do anything ever! The job then turned out not to be as promised either!
He was lucky and was offered a job by an industry contact .... Just the job he dreamt of and good pay etc. Only snag was it was 250 miles away! Dh did a weekly commute for 6 mths and then we all moved. (selling house another story!)
We are all much happier and dh is much more involved with the children than he ever was as work/life balance is much better.
But it was a hard decision to make as we have no family here. ( plus I had to give up a thriving childminding business and start again from scratch. Took a while. But I've been able to run my business as I knew I should run it not as I had been with families I'd had for years! And the children had to start new school/clubs etc. But they have really benefited and I think, do more than they might had we not moved. )
Good luck

[LauraS]

Thank you all for your thoughtful answers. It's very very difficult because I don't know whether it will lead to us moving. Our eldest daughter is very very upset at the bought of us moving, and having to leave her friends. She is 14 and in year 9. The little ones are 10, 8 and 2 and are just seeing it as an adventure.

I can tell when I'm talking to dh that he is desperate to take it, he is beyond excited at the prospect of the job.

Sigh. I think we are probably going to take it and look perhaps to move eventually.

[hectors house]

I know it's not just a question of petrol costs but hours away from home and family too - but would it work out less in fuel costs if you got a different / smaller car / hybrid car? Or he may find someone he can lift share with.

I would give it 2 years so your eldest daughter can finish her GCSE's before making a decision to move the whole family.

I think you have been very lucky with the hours your husband works at the moment - my husband only works 10 mins drive away but his working hours are longer - he leaves home at 7.15 and is rarely home before 6. He did work over an hour away for a while but with the commute he was still leaving and getting back and the same time plus had the fuel costs.

[Chatterbox Childcare]

the commute isn't that long really and it is a good time to unwind. Maybe you are used to him being close to home. Why not try it and see what happens. He can always apply for other jobs locally and this would add another string to his bow

You never know, you both might like it

[Maza]

If hubby wants the job then I think he should go for it. Most people I know commute for at least one hour each way. Like hectors house said, you have been very lucky with your hubby's hours. My hubby doesn't get home before 7pm most nights, although he usually only leaves the house at 8ish. I was also going to suggest you give it two years to allow your eldest to finish her GCSEs. By then she would probably be old enough to make train/bus journeys alone to visit her old friends, until she makes new ones. It is unsettling when we are faced with decisions which make us rethink our whole lives, especially when we also have kids to think of! Good luck. x

[LauraS]

Well we have decided to take the job. It has very good prospects, and dh is really excited. Our eldest is furious and is insistent that we wait until she has left for university to move, but if we wait four years our next daughter would be in the same obit ion that the eldest is now, so we would have to wait for her, then her sister, etc etc. I understand completely why she feels the way she does, but it would be a better life for us as a family and her siblings, so can't rule my life entirely on the basis of her friendships. I think we will probably look to save and move for the end of her gcses as suggested.

It seems that there is one other person, possibly two, from the company making the move to commute to the new offices, so dh will look to car share with them in the short term. You are all right about the commute not being that bad, we have just been spoiled thus far!

Thank you all for your advice, it really is appreciated. Sometimes I think it takes someone looking at it from the outside impartially. I feel much more at peace with the decision made xxxx

[sing-low]

All sounds good LauraS! At least these days your DD can keep in touch with her friends easily via email etc.

[The Juggler]

Thank you all for your thoughtful answers. It's very very difficult because I don't know whether it will lead to us moving. Our eldest daughter is very very upset at the bought of us moving, and having to leave her friends. She is 14 and in year 9. The little ones are 10, 8 and 2 and are just seeing it as an adventure.

I can tell when I'm talking to dh that he is desperate to take it, he is beyond excited at the prospect of the job.

Sigh. I think we are probably going to take it and look perhaps to move eventually.

it is hard when you have older children hon.

i'd give it a go and then consider moving. if dh's salary increases by 50% and you move to a cheaper house in the new area you probably wouldn't need to take on that many children to make up the shortfall in income. But from the point of view of dd's GCSE's it would be a move now or not for 2 years really I guess or you'll have to move her schools mid GCSE time.

[Maza]

You must feel better just having made a decision. It will be hard on your daughter BUT some children move houses/schools and even countries lots of times for worse reasons than a parents new job. I'm not trying to make light of it, it just helps sometimes to think of people who are worse off than you are. It will be hard on you too having to support her because if she's anything like my DD she'll know how to make you feel so guilty. Could you set a date before you move for her friends to come to your new house for a sleepover? My friends who have been in the same position have said this helps. I'm sure you'll be making quite a few trips to the new area before you actually move and so you can all gradually familiarise yourself with the new area. Could you do some exciting things there, like maybe a picnic, theatre trip, swimming trip, Bank Holiday funfair etc? Maybe let her friends tag along. She could start googling extra curricular clubs in the area. Good luck. x

[Kiddleywinks]

In light of the social media available to youngsters these days, your DD will easily be able to keep in contact with her friends. Teenagers are not known for their enjoyment with changes
As I tell my own two, my life revolves around them, everything I do is for them, but I will not be dictated to by them